Rambling, Ranting, Raving.

Ok, so I've only just finished typing that last post, but as I've thought about everything concerning my brother, my brain is now flooded with thoughts. As I sit here at my desk (not working), I'm feeling sad. Depressed almost...most definately deflated. Of late, there's been so many deaths, heartache and sadness. And I know they say that life is hard, and that God never gives you more than you can handle, but damn, it feels like I'm bout to break. I mean, like right now, my eyes are filling up, and my heart hurts, and I'm bout ready to cry...why? My friend's mum died, my friend's cousin got killed, lil Keiton Knight lost his fight for cancer aged 8, my aunt's friends parents died-withing 3 months of each other....I mean I really could go on. Sometimes I think I wanna know when my time is up. I have so much I want to do with my life, and though I'm trying to accomplish as much as I can do before my time is up, right now it feels like everytime I take a 3 steps forward, I end up taking 4 steps back. Maybe ignorance really is bliss....Why would I want to know how long i have left? I dunno, just typing this I'm getting frustrated cos I'm not making sense. My mind is so full of thoughts, and I'm feeling all these feelings, and it's like, when are things gonna start making sense? When's this thing gonna start going my way for a change?

I know I have unresolved issues, I have alot of anger-towards my dad in particular that I haven't dealt with. To be honest, I'm refusing to deal with. I've got all the emotions & anger packed away in a nice little box, stored in the cupboard, not be opened until I'm ready. But will I ever be ready? I can admit that I'm envious of other people who have great relationships with their dads. I try to see what his daughter has that I don't-why he can love her but not me. I mean, even when he tore off the lid of that can of worms-he opened it, and again walked away. I hate the fact that I allowed him to do that-to get at me-to have that effect, and then when he walked away, it was me that had to put it all back together. I hate selfish people. I hate inconsiderate people. I'm just so frustrated right now.

Mr Man: Am I fooling myself into believing we can actually work? With the Atlantic Ocean and 5,000 miles seperating us? Am I telling myself that when he comes over here, we'd live happily after, because that's all I want? Am I telling myself that I won't make the same mistakes that other people have made cos I'm not love struck-to the point where he can tell me the sky's pink and I'll believe him? Why am I clinging to the hope of things going the way that i want them to, when 99.9% of the time everyday shit doesn't go the way I want them to! Am I feeling the pressure to have a boyfriend, so that my family members will stop wondering if I'm gay? Why do they think I'm gay? Cos I dress in tracksuits, and am not fast like my cousins? Cos I'm a virgin, and very proud to say that I am such, even as I'm touching 25. Am I still a virgin by choice? No-but really...?? Would Mr Man be the one I give it to? Does he really love me..? Shoot-do I really love him? Or is infatuation? The excitement? I just don't know....

Damn-my head hurts.