I'm Out!

That's it....Me and Blogger are DONE!! I'm following my fellow blog peoples...Ms Diva & Mon, and heading over to the new digs @ Wordpress.....

Feel free to come see me: My new place.

Toodles!

P.S. And wouldn't this be the time that Blogger wants to post with absolutely NO problems! Temperamental bastid! lol!

Have You Ever...

...Wondered if you made the right choice?



...Wondered what more (or less) you could have done to prevent that situation going bad?



...Wondered why the fuck you ignored what was SO obvious?



...Questioned whether you are worthy of certain things



...Thought about a past situation and thought 'that was soooooooo fucked up?'but you still fight a daily battle within tryna remind yourself of WHY the situation was fucked up



...Felt relief cos the stormy, black cloud was gone...then felt like shit when the hurt set it....as well as the torrential rain!



...Had an idea for a post, and forgotten it as soon as you were ready to type?



...Questioned whether you're as 'great' as people say you are



...Annoyed yourself so much, you want to slap yourself? (Lol)



...Gotten tired of thinking so much?



...Been fed up with constant disappointment, failures and let-downs?



...Been scared shit-less at the thought of losing that person/those people that mean to much to you?



...Done or said some seriously stupid shit and wonder why the heck you did that?



...Said waaaay too much?



...Wondered how life/karma/the world worked?



...Why bad shit can happen to good people...? Yet the bad keep rolling on like their shit don't stink, cos everything's running right?



...Been soooo tired of dealing with shit, that you'd rather close your eyes-just to be done dealing with it?



...Been tired of trying?



...Cried so many tears that your insides feel hollow?



...Wanted someone out your life soooo badly, yet the fucker ALWAYS turns up?



...Written a totally random post that has no point, direction or meaning....but just had a whole bunch-a shit to get out, so you figured you'd do just that? No...? Me either!

Frustrated

I've been living at my Grandparent’s house for 6 days now...and everyday I've been annoyed and frustrated to some extent.

One big thing I'm struggling with is my Granny's constant fussing!! She's babying me something chronic!! I know I know-she's just doing the typical Grandmother thing-but it's driving me nuts!! I just like to chill, do what I need to as and when I want-Granny's not having it...she's in my room telling me this should go here, and this there…I know she means well, but it's driving me absolutely crazy!!! I know I can't do anything about it, so I'm just tryna grin and bear it-I mean the upside to this, is as soon as I come home from work my dinner's there ready and waiting to be eaten!!

The 2nd thing-in fact it's the BIGGEST thing: my Uncle! Love him to bits, but damn if this man doesn't wanna drive me outta my head!! This week alone he's been at the house 3 maybe 4 times....and EVERY time he's leaving he's having me drive him home. On Sunday or maybe it was Monday, he was here-I had a BANGING headache-and he still had me take him home. On Wednesday, I went to my friend's house to pick up my new laptop, and stopped by his house to pick up my internet dongle. He then says that he'll be coming to the house to give my Granddad a bath...so I take him to the house. When all's done, he makes me take him home, cos he left his bus pass at his house (though taking a bus to his house makes NO sense!!). Today-same ting…this time it’s ‘it’s raining...can you take me home?’. Whilst I know I should just say no-but I can't seem to do it. Diva-I know what you said-but I just can't do it. I don’t know what it is, but for some reason the word 'no' just won't come out of my mouth...and though I feel like he's taking the piss outta me, I feel like there's nothing I can do about it! *sigh* I know-I'm a mug!

My alcoholic uncle that I've mentioned before (can't be bothered to link to it) has managed to earn himself a bed in the hospital. The man is drinking himself to death! Last week he decided not to drink anymore...and collapsed. So my Dad, aunty and Granny have all gone down to the hospital to see him. You can imagine how happy I was to see him! In fact, he's here now....I just hi, and kept it moving!!

*sigh* in the last hour-I swear my name's been called about 50 times!! (slight exaggeration, but it feels like it's non stop!!) I'm trying to quit smoking (4 days and counting) so I can't even have a fag to release some stress!

Oh-and that whole thing with J-there’s nothing more to report except we won’t be friends. From the other day that I sent her a message, she hasn’t replied…she’s changed her profile pic-so I know she’s seen the message, but she hasn’t responded…so much for being ‘mature’ she could have just said what it was, but she’s decided not to. I’m a bit disappointed-more annoyed than anything…but I’ve decided I’m not gonna try anymore. Just gonna let sleeping dogs lie. I was going through my old diary stuff earlier today-and I see an entry dated 14th Sept 05…on this day I tried to make things right with J then-and from what I wrote on this date, I tried 2 years before that…so that’s 2003,2005 & 2008 where I’ve tried. If I'd seen this diary entry earlier in the week, I really don't think I would've reached out to her....but now I’m done trying! Clearly us being friends again isn’t meant to be…and you know-I think I’m cool with that. I don’t have to wonder anymore cos I know what it is…..besides I’ve got some pretty damn good friends in my life right now, without trying to step back to reconnect with one that’s not clearly not interested!!

Coming Of Age

I've been tagged by the lovely Ms Behaving…..Here goes….
 
The rules:
1. Put Your itunes/ music player on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT!!!
4: After you've answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they've been tagged to do the meme themselves!
 
1.      IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY? Back Again –Mr Cheeks (oh yea-cos THAT makes sense! Lol)
2.      WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?  Down & Dirty – Keyshia Cole (It's lies I tell ya-LIES!!)
3.      WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? Good Woman Down –Mary J Blige (Erm….maybe not!)
4.      HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? I Want You Back – Jackson 5 (NO I DO NOT! Don't believe the hype!)
5.      WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? They Aint JE – Jagged Edge (Ok…???)
6.      WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? I Wonder – Kanye West (All the ruddy time!!)
7.      WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? Ms Stress – Floetry (Lately, most definitely)
8.      WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS? Money Aint A Thang – Jay Z (no comment!)
9.      WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? Are You Ready – Dan Da Man (Very True)
10. WHAT IS 2+2? Never Gonna Let You Go – Tina Moore (**confused**)
11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? Magic Is A Feeling – SE20
12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Motherfather – Musiq Soulchild
13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? The Takeover – Jay Z (You'd better believe it!)
14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? I Can – Nas (When you get into the lyrics then yes!)
15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Doing It Way Big – Lil Kim
16. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? Help Me Make It Through The Night – Gladys Knight (can't see this being the thought of both parents!)
17. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? Never Can Say Goodbye – Jackson 5 (Awww…bless….maybe not at the wedding though!)
18. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? Gotta Man – Eve (LMAO!! Can't see Granny going for that-can you…?)
19. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? Celebration – Kanye West (It's a celebration BITCHES!!! Grab a drink, grab a glass……)
20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET? Supposed To – Mr Cheeks
21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? I'll Be There – Jackson 5 (This applies to some of em)
22. WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS? Coming Of Age – Jay Z
 
I'm tagging (if they haven't already been tagged that is!): Ms Diva, Monie, The Flyyest, Southern Girlie & Tam…
 

Random Ish

Yesterday, Granny was helping me unpack some of my stuff in my room. She asks me if my mum ever asked how I managed living out on my own. I said that she did ask on occasions. Granny asks if my mum ever offered to help me...I say, well she helps where she can, but for the most part she can't because obviously she has the kids. Then I say, but check even my dad though -he knows I've been struggling, yet never offers to help...Granny then says 'well...'. And that's it..then after a few minutes she tells me that she hasn't told my dad that I'd moved in with her...I tell her that I'm not gonna be the one to tell him.

After this convo I was annoyed. Granny asking if my mum helped me out, I know she was trying to imply that she should have been....but my mum has 3 young kids (and my 19 year old sister) to look bout.....when I go to the house, Mum feeds me, if I'm desperate and she has it, she'll give me £5 etc....my Dad on the other hand has 1 other child. I'm not claiming to know his outgoings, but he knows I've been struggling and what not, and never once has he said to me do have you eaten today? Do you wanna come for dinner..! And the fucked up thing is that my Granny will ALWAYS stick up for him-he can do no wrong in her eyes.

Then she starts telling me that him, his wife and their child are going to Egypt..next month I think she said, and how my Dad's car isn't working, and neither is the wife's...how my Dad has never owned a good car-my dad drives some old school Honda Civic, and his wife drives a damn BMW that she got when she was unemployed, and my Dad was working 2 jobs! All while Granny's talking, I'm not saying anything. They say if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all...so that's what I did!

With Father's Day coming up, I know my Granny's gonna be on my back about getting him a card, or calling him...but they don't do cards for shit, wasteman dads do they? And even if they did, I wouldn't waste my money on it. He can piss off. He told me once that in regards to me it was a case of out of sight, out of mind...so to hear that from the man that's meant to love you unconditionally...shit-even a little bit...how's that meant to make me feel, or view him as a dad? He can fuck off! And watch him go on holiday and not say boo to me!

Granny's the one that tells me what's the deal with him, and tells him what the deal is with me, but I wish she wouldn't. I don't care what he does....then again, the fact that it pisses me off to no end shows how much I care.

Come Father's day, I'll give my Grandad a card and a gift...he's been more like my father my entire life so it's only right. If Granny gets on my back about my Dad then I'll go out somewhere...I tell ya she can push me sometimes when it comes to my Dad, that if my mouth was fly-way and I didn't have the level of love and respect for my Granny....boy...most importantly I wouldn't let because of him, my relationship with Granny is fucked!

I think I've rambled enough...my mind is feeling easy-i'm gonna try and sleep!

Their Conversation

*second post of the day!! A me dat?!!!??'

When I came in from work, Granny decided she wanted to go to Ikea. As she's on the stairs putting on her shoes (I was in the bathroom) the funniest conversation took place:

Gramps: where yuh goin?
Granny: me and Milz a go uppa Ikea
Gramp: What about me dinna?
Granny: yuh waan yuh dinna now?
Gramps: *mumbling*
Granny: me say yuh waan yuh dinna now?
Gramps: YES!!
Granny: Nuh talk to me so-bout YES! Yuh a get betta now...yuh mout a get big!
Gramps: *silence*

I'm in the bathroom pissing myself with laughter! I love those two...they give me the most joke! Granny always puts Gramps in his place when he tries to get a bit fresh! Lol!!

I Did It

So...I risked it....sent her a message on Facebook:
'Hey Jay, I know it's been a while, a few years in fact, and you probably still hate my guts..but I thought I'd say hi...hope things are good with you x'

And whaddya know....she messaged me back! I damn near had heart failure when I saw the message. She said:

'Hi Milz,Wow its true, its been about 3years or so years. Thanks for your message. I do not hate your guts hun. Its been too long and I am now trying to believe that life is too short babe. I really hope life is going good for you and you are doing well with whatever you are doing.. I saw you actually a few weeks back.. driving my car. For a split second I actually forgot I was in my car and someone else was driving my car past me.lolTake care Jay x' 

I told her that I was shocked that she had messaged me back, but I was glad that she did. I asked her about her car (cos I'm assuming she too has a Smartie)... And that was that.
 
Don't know what this means for us...but I'm glad that I listened to you guys and made the first move. If anything, at least I know that she doesn't hate me, and plotting my downfall! lol!!
 
If you didn't know, you guys rock! And if I'm ever faced with another dilemma-guess where I'll be coming for hel!! LOL!!
 
On other news, I moved into my grandparents house over the weekend. On Sunday I moved the bed AND the wardrobe all by my lonesome-well my 7 year old cousin was 'helping' but to be honest she was more of a hinderance-but bless her for being there! Of course on Monday my WHOLE body was in agony...the room is STILL a tip-as long as I can get in and out of the bed, that's the main thing!
 
What's really funny is my Granny's been sending me to bed at 11pm these past few nights! She's like 'It's nearly 11-don't stay up too much longer'...yes Granny! lol! admittedly though, I've been feeling real tired by this point....go to bed-you think I can sleep? I'm tossing and turning alllllll night! Up wandering the house at 2am...It's REALLY annoying! So of course, I'm stupidly tired this morning-my eyelid feel like lead...and everytime I blink it feels like someone sticking my eye balls with pins!! (lol-it's not even that serious-but it sounds it-doesn't it?!)
 
Wow-this post is stupidly long now....so I'll stop typing! Hope you have a good Tuesday!

Open Letter

J,

For some reason, you came into my head today. And when the thought of you entered my head, my heart hurt. Why? Cos I miss our friendship. I miss the way we used to be, our conversations...I miss us.

We haven't spoken for 7 years. It's hard to believe it's been that long. Looking back, I probably did over react to the situation that was....however, my Granny was being intimidated-and that shit will never ever go down well with me. I know this was not directly because of you, however they were your people who were not invited to the wedding, and I just felt like you could have done more-they were your peoples...you could've spoke to them.

Nevertheless, we did speak after that night, but I couldn't get past it...and we fell out. You felt like I embarrassed you in public...felt I did you wrong....admittedly I could've come to you and tell you what was bothering me....but I didn't-maybe that was wrong of me.

I did try to reach out to you a few years later, but I guess you felt like there was too much water under the bridge for us to be friends again...I felt rubbish, but I accepted your decision.

Every now and then, I think of how we used to be...and I do miss it...I know no matter what, we'll never be the friends that we were....thinking of you today made me want to send you a Facebook message to say hi....but I'm not about to put myself out there, only to be rejected.....so I guess this...our friendship..you being in my life was either for a season or a reason...after 7 years, I'm still not totally sure which...either way, it's done....I may always wonder whether you would respond if I was to send you a message...I think I'd rather wonder 'what if' than to reach out and feel like a prick for trying again...

I hope life has been and continues to be good to you....

Milz

At The Lights...

I saw him....and the mofo looked at me and smiled.....raised an eyebrow to acknowledge me even....I couldn't believe it! I looked at him, cut my eye and drove off once the lights turned green.

Yes, I was pissed.

Why Lord....why???

What Did She Say?

So I've been getting comments from some of you guys......it seems most of the time you guys don't understand what I'm saying because of the UK/JA words that I use....my bad! Lol! I do tend to write things straight from my head....and I do sometimes try to change a few words so you guys understand-but truth be told, that ish is HARD WORK!! Lol!

So.......I figured I'd give you the opportunity to have me translate things I've said previously that had you confused, having to run to Google etc....you can create your very own translation book!!! So in the future you'll know what I'm on about when I'm rambling....this is open-so if I say something that you don't understand, or that has you having to read the post twice (T2!!) then be sure to ask...

....So over to you....let the translations begin!!!

I Love You

For some reason, I have the overwhelming urge to tell everyone that I love them.....

So..... I LOVE YOU!!!

SATC

IS THE SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Broody

This evening, I went to go see my pregnant friend. Out of all the girls, she's the first to have a bubby....I WANT ONE!!! Lol! Went to her house, and she's got the crib up now, and she's got the pram for him, shed loads of ickle clothes for him...it's all so 'aaaaah!!!'

My sister's having anothe sprog, and my nephews ARE the sweetest things...and when I'm with them I just think ' I WANT ONE!!' I'm kinda surprised though, cos I've never really had the overwhelming need to have a sprog-but I want one!

Don't worry-I have no intentions to run out and get pregnant, it's not that serious, but with all this baby talk, all these babies popping out.....I'm just feeling real broody...

Ok, that is all....lol

What A Ting

•A friend of mine had been having pains in her leg for a little while. When the pain became too much, she went to the walk-in clinic. The woman who saw her put my friends symptoms into a computer, turned to her and said 'it's not good news I'm afraid....we're gonna have to call 999 (enmergency services). You should leave your car here. So my poor friend is worrying her ass off. The lady looks at the leg and says 'it can't be anything other than sickle cell' yes, my people you read that right SICKLE CELL!! Please note how this was diagnosed: by looking at the leg, and tapping into a self-diagnosis site ting. My poor friend, not realising that you can't suddenly catch sickle cell was in a state, managed to drive home, and got blood tests today. She's fine-the pain has gone...but my girl is 25 years old...IF she had sickle cell, how the heck would it go undetected for alllllll these damn years. I can assume that this doctor woman assumed my friend was having a crisis-anyone who has, or knows someone who has sickle cell knows that when they have a crisis, they can't be sent on their way to drive home etc..bunch of bullshit. We're encouraging her to make a complaint-cos that right there is MESSED UP!!

•Went to my Mum's house today, and my bro came down. We're jamming on the chair and he says to me 'you remember that girl I told you might be pregnant for me?' I'm like 'no-who the heck is that?' Right now it sounds remotely familiar (but let's be real, my bro's a hoe, and there were a number of girls who claimed to be carrying the bro's seed). So anyways he's looking in his phone, I'm wondering what he's looking for. He shows me a picture of this cute little baby. He says this baby is the 'might be' son. I'm like 'seen, so what now?' He said he took a DNA test last week and is waiting for the results. Bubby is cute-but he doesn't look like me bro...like his boy, my brother could NEVER deny him...but then again,this bubby could look like his mum. So just have to wait for the results. His girl knows....but hey, that girl has taken some serious shit from my brother-i would NOT deal with half as much as she has..but hey-that's not my business!

•Whilst out tonight with a few of my girlies, one of em tells a story about a dude she knows. He was out at the very bar that we were at, and had 2 cocktails. As he heads home, he gets pulled by the feds. He gets breathalised, and is found to be 5 times over the legal limit. His punishment: a fine, a 2 year driving ban, community service AND a tag on his ankle. Now, I do appreciate he was over the limit (unknowingly) and drink driving is serious, and a big no-no in my book BUT considering there's all these dickheads on the road being caught with knifes and guns BUT only get a caution, this dudes punishment was harsh in comparison.....but shit gets worse for dude....as a result of his driving ban, he loses his job. He's moved back home after the flat he was renting got major damp, fucking up ALLL his clothes that the landlord refused to pay for....AND his girlfriend left him....poor sod!

There was one more crazy story, but my memory has failed me...so that's it for now........and how proud are we of me for posting so many posts in one week??!!! Huh? That's good right! Yay me! Lol!! I'm so tired, I'm going to bed!

Night!!

Relaxing

So I took the day off work with the good intentions of being productive-sorting out my crap that I've collected over the years, start packing, cleaning blah blah blah.....but I've done none of it-well actually I have done a load of laundry, but for the most part I've sat and watched daytime tv.....what? Sue me! I'm relaxing today!!!!!!!

Gotta go-Judge Judy's about to start! Lol!!

A New Beginning

So me and Soldier are no more. We officially broke up on Sunday. After 10 months of trying, I finally threw in the towel-finally got tired of his shit and drama...so I'm a singleton again, and I'm feeling like a weight has been lifted!

I'm on a new vibe now. I'm looking forward. I got diagnosed with depression last week, so I'm now looking to work on that. Get my mind right....doing everything I can to avoid going on meds...

It's a year to the day that my friend's Mum died. Today I'm thinking a lot. About life in general, and what it may hold. Remembering Mrs A, and reminding myself that life is for living....so I'm gonna hold on to that-and just live my life to the FULLEST! Avoiding hype & drama the best I can, focus on ME!

I'm moving out of my flat in the next week or so, to live with my Grandparents. I'd been thinking about it for a while, and my Grandad asked me to move in the other say, so I'm gonna do that, and get serious about clearing my debts, saving some money....I'm looking to book NYC in the next month or so...I'm SO looking forward to it!

So here's to a new beginning....a new me....a happy me!

Dedication

I've just come home-I am totally knackered!!!! My nephew got dedicated today...and I've been on the move-non stop.

I didn't too much like the way that the church service went-to be honest it was a bit boring...nothing but sermon after sermon after sermon...no singing or nothing. There was 7 babies in total being dedivated. They were all brought up to the front (altar is it?) And a member of the church had each child. The pastor preached and prayed...and that was it. In my opinion it wasn't very personal-but that's just my opinion. After the dedications, there were more sermons!! My brother, who shock horror, turned up in shoes! (With his girlfriend who happens to be Muslim but came out to show support) was hungry, and wanted to go get food. Cos he has no license, I was nominated to drive, so we went on for KFC. By the time we got back, the service was over.

Went home, got changed, and went to the hall to set up. It was pure madness. It was meant to start at 5.30, but the table didn't get opened (blessed etc) until 7.30....cos my sister's boyfriend had to go here there and everywhere to pick up somebody. My sis was less than impressed. When the table was finally open, and food was available, that's when the madness started. I was so rushed off my feet, I had to change my heels to my trainers-it just HAD to be done!!!

Then came all the tidying up, and trying to get black folks to leave! Lol! I just don't get it-I don't think I ever will....black folks always turn up late, and always wanna be the last one to leave! Lol!!!

I'm at home now, watching 'Crash'. I've seen this movie countless times, but it's so good-and definitely one of my faves...I'll probably fall asleep watching it-cos I'm so tired! Thankfully there's no work tomorrow-and I intend to sleep ALL day!!!!

4th May 2007

This is the day that I signed up to Blogger.com and created my 1st post. Without going into the archives, I actually remember a lot of that day...I remember having it on my mind all day-so much so that I did 2 posts that day.



I first decided to create a blog, cos I missed writing-just random crap about my day, my thoughts, feelings etc. I had a diary back the day-when I was in high school, and I kept it down the side of my bed. One day my Mum decides to 'tidy' my room, finds my diary, reads it and then passed it on to every member of my family....it was during this time-in the midst of an arguement, that she told me that my Dad never wanted me, and wanted to abort me (whole set of drama, for a whole other day)....and from then until now, I vowed to never have another diary. When I moved out on my own though I did have another diary, but that crap was short lived.....

Anyways, since 4th May 2007, a lot has happened, some good, some bad. But nevertheless Tom-Gurl is still here. I never thought blogging would be like this-to be honest, I didn't really have many expectations.....

But through this Blogging ting I've come in to contact with some seriously amazing people that have touched my life.....Ms Diva, Ms B, T #2, Kare Bear, Deep......there are many other blogs that I check out on a regular for my dose of laughter, thought provocation etc...

So cos my life has been hella crazy, I totally missed my blogiversary, so I'm taking this time to say happy 1 year and 19 days to tomgurl.blogspot.com...

Thank you to ALL my readers for coming by, reading and commenting..it's been good times!!

Here's to some more!! (And maybe even some regular postings!lol, *no more side eyes Ms Diva*)

Questions

Have you ever made a decision-a big decision, and wonder if the choice you made was the right one?

How do you know whether you made the right choice?

If you really did make the wrong choice, at which point do you realise it was wrong?

What do you do now?

Addicted

It's official, I suck as a Blogger! There no real reasons why I haven't blogged since when and when time, so I'm not gonna make up excuses!
 
I realised last night that I'm well and truly addicted to my Crackberry....it's deep: Last night I put my phone on silent, cos I was avoiding calls from Soldier (we had an arguement the day before, and I'm not talking to him! lol) I go to bed just after 11pm.  2am, I'm still tossing and turning....why you ask? Cos my phone's on silent, and I know it's on silent, and the thought of not hearing my phone ring (even though that's what I wanted to do) was enough to prevent me having a peaceful slumber....so you know what I did....turned that mofo off silent...and slept soundly until 6.45 this morning!!! 
 
I can't ever be without my phone. If I get an email or text in the middle of my sleep, I WILL wake up AND respond to it....it just HAS to be done....I never allow my battery to die (can you imagine NO phone calls, texts OR emails?) the funniest thing is, I don't actually like talking on the phone much....however I must be contactable at all times!
 
Hi-my name is Tom_Gurl, and I'm addicted to my crackberry!

Good, Bad & Interesting

This week has been a good'un so far...interesting...but good.

***Good points***
•Sun has been shining-no rain
•Monday was Bank Holiday so no work!!
•My Mum & siblings are not on a hype ting & I managed to spend a couple GOOD hours at the house yesterday
•Work's been kinda live (could it really be so?)
•I've felt happy and content within myself
•My older sister is pregnant and she's keeping it...so guess who's gonna be an aunty again??? (Need a hint?)

***Bad Points***
•I'm broke as hell, and pay day is tooo far away
•I'm tired-keep waking up at stupid o'clock for no good reason
•I'm stuck in the office whilst the sun is out!
•My ryde or die friend is leaving my workplace on Friday- what the heck am I gonna do on lunch breaks now?
•Cos the sun is out, so are the monstrosities, gross outfits, and things no young-or old for that matter, pair of eyes should EVER have to see!!

***Interesting points***
•Me and my Smartie seem to be getting A LOT of stares this week...the way people are staring you wouldn't think there's a Smart sighting every 10 seconds!
•My Smart has been the topic of conversation by random old white men
•My old driving instructor is on my case AGAIN....he's tryna take me out to dinner-and has wanted to do so ever since he starting teaching me to drive-some 5 years or so ago...he's stepped it up a notch talking bout weekend away-erm no bruv!! You are NOT attractive (picture a slimy Bernie Mac)I'm not in the slightest bit interested and I have a man...!! Back off will ya!
•Random dudes keep tryna talk to me...and they're all either Nigerian or Yardies!! 'Yuh nice girl' ...gee thanks-but please, let's keep it moving!!! (Though they are reminding me that I'm a Goodas Gyal and me have it like dat!! Lmao)

I tell ya, the Sun comes out for a minute and everybody loses their senses!
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What Say You?

A man's situation: You have a child. The child is a year old, recently you've been having thoughts that the child may not be yours. You and the child's mother or not together, and haven't been since she became pregnant. You're paying child support....and have been an active part of this child's life. You're now going to take the necessary steps to find out if the child is indeed yours.......If the results come back that you are NOT the father do you.........

a) Still be a part of the child's life. You've helped to raise, love and support the child for the past year....

OR

b)Severe all ties....never seeing the child again......

What say you?
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Random

Please excuse the randomness of this post…I'm warming myself up to blogging more regularly again
 
•WHY the heck is it so expensive tryna get to NYC? Seriously, the prices I've been quoted I need to sell every possession I own to get there! But the fight is not over I'm still reaching….just have to make a sacrifice or two…
 
•I've been getting migraines like a mofo recently….real intense like! I used to have migraines everyday for about 2 years…then one day they just stopped…but now they're back with a vengeance! I actually wanna rip my head off cos it hurts so bad! *sigh* I have been really stressed recently so that's probably the trigger…..and cos of the stress I've been looking like grater face…NOT feeling these stinking spots man! Guess it's another trip to the doctors! (great!!)
 
•You know 'they' always tell you to follow your mind…? If you're ever unsure anything, just follow your mind!!

My sister has been on my back about bring ing my laptop to my mum's house so that she can 'go on this site that helps me to revise for my exams' I'm thinking I don't wanna bring it, but true it's her exams, I wanna help her out as much as possible….so last Friday I go to Mums (for the 1st time in about 3 weeks). After 5 minutes, I'm ready to leave….my youngest sis has full roost of the house…and throws a strop when my mum tells her she can't go in the garden (which she does anyway) I give my sister the laptop…tell her not to be long, cos I'm not staying long. 

After about an hour and a half, I'm ready to leave. I shout for my sister that I'm leaving….15 minutes later, please tell me WHY I'm still waiting for this gyal to bring my laptop. I shout up to again with the added 'don't make me come upstairs'…a further 5 minutes pass…so I'm mad now. Go upstairs, pick my laptop off the bed…she's like 'lemme quickly finish this…' when I look my girl's on Hotmail…not revising…I close it, and roll on home. Later that evening, I attempt to use my laptop-I plug in the adaptor-I'm wondering why it's telling me the battery's not charging…when I look, the adaptor is broken! I'm madder than a mofo!! I only JUST replaced my last adapter….paid £35 for this new one…that lasted all of a month….so since then til now I've been without laptop as I had to wait til payday to buy a new one. I mentioned to my Mum what her sprog did…she's like 'is it' ……*fuming* So I've been taught (yet another) financially painful lesson….follow your mind and don't let people use your shit!
 
•Sunday just gone, was my friend's nephews christening. Now this means I have dress up (like a girl Ugh!!) So I had on black trousers, silver shoes, white top, black blazer and silver accessories…basically I looked good (if I may say so myself). I had to drop something off at my cousin's for my Grannys. So I park my car, and attempt to locate my cousin's flat.
 
As I'm attempting to do so, I pass a bus stop where two boys (seriously no older than about 16-17 were seated) As I'm trying to find the door, I hear 'ello, ello!' I'm not paying no attention cos well, I;m on a mission, and I'm thinking I know these young boys are not seriously talking to me!…next thing I hear 'Me know she hugly though dog, but me still waan say 'ello. (hugly was no typo-it was the emphasis on the word ugly with the JA accent lol!) I'm still ignoring it, cos it's like whatever innit bruv! If you thought I was ugly whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy are you tryna holla?! I done know it was nothing more than cos I didn't give him the time of day he felt weak and tried to save face infront of his bredrin!
 
I see my cousin pop her head out her door (which is a number of feet away from the bus stop) and I can still hear the boys chatting crap and shit…inside I'm laughing my head off….SO now I'm having to walk back past these fools back to my car….try know the boy had the CHEEK to say hello to me again!! I looked at them…and wouldn't you know it, the two of dem hugly  like!!! A classic case of the pot calling the kettle black!! I kept it moving…the poor ting…I was probably female numeral 160,516,501,234 that rejected him in his lifetime!
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I'm On My Way

So I haven't posted for what feels like a year and a day, but life's been a real bitch lately, and I haven't felt like posting about it or anything at all....so I haven't (lol), but I'm still here!

Hmmm....I actually don't have anything interesting to post about right now...Mon, I know you tagged me (grrrr!!!), but I don't have the brain space to think of 6 things to list, but I will get to it real soon (cos I know you'll hound me until I do lol).

Hope everyone is cool..I'll be back
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'You Know What You Would Do....

…for someone,
But you will never know what they will do for you'
 
My Granny always told me that-and throughout my life I've seen this to be very true.
 
I can't write about this in the context I would like, cos well…words are interpreted differently..but fuck it, I'm just gonna go at it….
 
I'd like to consider myself a good person…a good friend. One who would always be there, regardless of the situation, or what I'm going through….you ask me to do something-if it's in my power, it's done! I always believed I had the best set of friends….I thought my girls-my tight circle of friends that I've been around for a good 5-6 years (a few I've known for most of my life), were my peoples…ones that I could call on when I needed them etc…but I've seen that this really is not the case. Don't get me wrong, I'm not tryna say that they're bad friends….but what I am saying is that more recently, I'm seeing that they're not the people that I thought they were-that they claim to be…Most recently I've been dealing with some shit..and I've seen that though they say 'we're here for you' they're really talking a crock of shit, cos I'm yet to see them….
 
I'm not saying I want them on my line 24/7 or up in my face and ting, but a little something? I lie? Am I being unreasonable? Am I expecting too much? I know what I would do if my friend was going through the ish that I am, but of course, not everyone is the same…
 
…A friend that I've mentioned before in past posts, that only seems to pop up when she's in a madness-she's real flaky…I know this but it doesn't stop me from getting annoyed! It's like whenever she calls, it's always cos there's some kinda drama taking place!  Her dude was in jail for most of their relationship…and when he was being a total bastard to her, who did she call? When he came out of pen, and was still being a jerk, who was there…? Me! Now things are going well, it's like Milz who..? Just last week there was a madness, and who was there…? I hadn't actually seen her for about 2 ½ years…which is weird considering we talked a lot of this time…but I decided that I wouldn't be running down to her gaf all the time…she'd be in my area, and not swing by! But last week, I was on my way back from my Aunty's so I decided to swing by her house for a minute (that turned into 3 hours)…I spoke to her on Monday…she told me she'd call me back…try know I'm STILL waiting for the phone call….I'm just feeling like whatever! I'm there for her regardless..I've told her the madness I'm dealing with…and where is she….?
 
Just recently, I've seen that people who claim one thing seem to be about something else….If I don't call, text, email or something, then I don't hear from them….except some bullshit excuse….truth is it's all long…and I'm not even feeling it…..
 
I realise now, that it's long running people down….ultimately my issues and problems are mine…so I have to be the ones to deal with them…it's a hard lesson to learn but….I know what I'd do for someone, but I will never know what someone will do for me…' until I'm in a situation where I'm finding out….
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Gone

I know death is a part of life...but damn if the shit isn't hard!



This morning I received a phone call....my Aunty's friend that I've known most of my life is dead! Well, clinically dead. She had an epileptic fit last night, and her heart stopped. They put her on a life support machine...but she's brain dead.



My aunty just got a phone call from her friend's step mother...she said they have turned off the life support, and her body is slowly shutting down.....so now it's just waiting.....



My Aunty said last night she had a dream that all her teeth fell out (according to Jamaican dream interpretation, this means death) and she couldn't sleep at all.......who knew it would be her friend....



Just thinking constantly about how short life is....it's crazy how in the blink of an eye you could be dead. Laughing and joking today...being buried tomorrow....



She had like 5 kids....was about to get married....was looking forward to life.....and now those kids are without a mother...and her family is so messed up, who even knows what's gonna happen to them...!



....damn...life is so fucked up.....

I'm still here!!

I know I haven't blogged much. To be honest I just haven't been feeling it! Well, that and the fact that me and my laptop are not friends right now.....I haven't been reading/commenting much either...and it's pretty much for the same reason! Life has been a bit crazy of late, and I'm just tryna get things to slow down and just run at a normal pace!

As I type this on the trusty BlackBerry I've got a killer migraine, so I'm looking to close this post...so Rashan, sorry, I don't have the brain space to do my homework! I'll accept my punishment, whatever it is......

Ok folks, that's me...just thought I'd let you guys know I'm not dead....just tryna get the life in order....bear with me...

Also, just wanna give/say a big massive gigantic 'thank you' to my blog girlies.....you know who you are!!

Tom_Gurl
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What Do You Reckon?

It's almost 9 in the morning...and I'm in a bad mood! Soldier called me a little while ago and told me that he's got time off from work, I think next week, and that he was going to his Grandad's for a week. I'm soooo annoyed! Now before you get the wrong idea, the reason why I'm annoyed is not cos he's going to his Grandad's, not cos I'm not invited (old school folk) BUT because just yesterday the big head bwoy said that we would be going to Germany, cos he wasn't meant to be working today or tomorrow, but his work people scheduled him in, and we had plans on Monday that are no more.

I've never really thought of holidaying to Germany, but it's where he's lived for 5 years and loves it, so I'm thinking what the heck? More importantly it'll mean we get to spend time together away from the usual surroundings....so as I start looking forward to it, I discover we're not going....BUT he doesn't say this. He just changes the plan....no mention of us going anywhere anymore....it's almost like it was never mentioned! I'm annoyed not cos he's going to visit his Gramps.....cos I love my grandparents to death...and clearly there's no contest between them and going away...but I kinda feel like...I dunno....now I've written this much, I don't even know if I have the right to be pissed.....what do you reckon?



In fact, I know why I'm mad...because he can never make a plan with me, and then actually follow through with it! It's soooo annoying! It's like he says the shit I wanna hear, but then decides he's doing something else...which fair enough isn't always his fault....BUT surely something has to give sometimes......??



Ok, NOW what do you reckon....?



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My Confession

So you know you're slacking on your posting when your getting a comment on the same post almost a week later from the same person….lol
 
Ok…so it's been an interesting few days….there's been tears, anger, tantrums…and thankfully smiles and laughter…so I'm all good now!
 
Rashan has decided to make the bloggers in Makin The Blog actually do homework…..so here goes….please note that for the most part I was a good kid…the worst things I ever did was steal sweeties from the supermarket across the road from my house…..me and my brother would go to the pic n mix section, fill up the bags that they provide…and casually walk out….lol….So anyways…here is my confession….
 
Back in the day(1980's), when we used to live on a Housing Estate, my mum would always have me and my younger brother go to the shop for her….the shop was at the other entrance to our block of flats, and was literally a 5 minute jobby.  One day me and my bro were out playing, and we decided we wanted some sweets….knowing Mum would say no to our request of money, we decided to go to the corner shop…and take a few penny sweets-no biggie….
 
So in we walk…obviously we lived around the way, so it was nothing for just the two of us to be in the store…wandering around aimlessly…We felt brave, so we both grabbed a handful of sweets and tried to walk out….'Oi, what you have there?' That was Dilip (damn I actually remember his name) the shop keeper…..we tried to ignore him and walk out swiftly, but he wasn't having it. He came round from behind the till over quickly, took the sweets from us, and told us that we were banned from the shop FOREVER….we're both thinking whatever innit…there's other shops around here!!
 
Forgot all about the escapade, until the following day, when my Mum told me to go to the shop to buy something or another….as I reach downstairs, I remember what happened the day before….not about to get thrown out the shop…I hung about for around 5 minutes before going back upstairs, and telling my Mum that Dilip wouldn't let me in the shop. She's like 'why?' I'm like, 'I dunno! I walked in, and he told me to get out'….Now back in the day my Mum was GHETTO! Everyone knew about my Mum bwoy..she'd cuss you down to the ground if anybody messed with her kids! She did not PLAY!! So she's putting on her shoes now, cussing and ting…talking about how's he gonna kick me out the shop for no reason…the whole time my heart is beating fast and hard…I know what my Mum could be like…and I wasn't ready to get beats for stealing if Dilip told her…so I'm SCARED now…I try to thing of excuses to not go back to the shop with her..but she wasn't having it!
 
She drags me back to the shop….Dilip sees me….gets ready to fix his lips to say that I'm banned….soon as he opens his mouth…my mum jumps on it…asking him why he kicked me out the shop…the poor Indian dude tries to tell my Mum that I didn't come in the shop that day….then bright ole me's like 'yes I did…and you told me to get out!' He's stuttering and ting…saying he hadn't seen me all day…but Mum isn't tryna hear it…she cusses HIM OUT! Then tells him, that next time she sends her chile to HIS shop..he better not turn them away! Lol-it's funny now…cos the poor man had NO choice….even though it was HIS shop and I was WRONG…but obviously my Mum would believe little Angelic me!!!
 
In the end, she grabbed what she wanted, and just before she left the shop she was like 'Remember wha' me say Dilip…nuh make me come back here for dis again??!' Dilip didn't get to tell my Mum what me and my bro did…he got cussed out for something he didn't do…and me and brother were able to go to the shop whenever we liked..and he couldn't stop us!! To this day, my Mum doesn't know the truth about what we did…*shrugs* ah well…..Funnily enough though, the shop's still there…and I think Dilip might be there too!!

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Dear Blogger

I have tried...tried my hardest to NOT lose my patience with you....but when you allow me to type my comments on the pages of my blog fam....only to tell me there's some kinda fault...and allll that I wrote disappears....yeah, that doesn't sit well with me AT ALL!

Blogger-i beg....Fix up and look sharp, man...cos it seems if it's not one ting it's a next...and I honestly don't know how much more I can take.....so please...just fix up!

Thanks!

Tom_Gurl
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Too Much Time!

I clearly have too much time on my hands! My friend just come back from the States...and she's brought me back all these goodies!!

Yes that is my name in skittles! I did say I had too much time! Lol!

Damn...i'm soooo bored!
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Just Sharing

• My Uncle, who has been in Jamaica for the past 3 months was due to return home today...but is STILL in JA...BUT hasn't told any of us...and my Grandad (who's still really ill) has been worrying himself sick thinking something has happened to my selfish ass Uncle
• My brother's girlfriend had a miscarriage (ironically 2 days after I posted about her being preggers again)...my brother (who's a total wasteman) came by my Mum's house, saw his son there (cos his girl was at the hospital having a scrape), then proceeded to take his ass home 'to have a bath'...leaving his child with my Mother..(how about taking him home with you???) Meaning his GF had to come back to my Mums to pick up lil man before heading home....That boy makes me so sick....
• I was so close to calling my Dad this past weekend....But I changed my mind....maybe another day....another time...
• Ms Diva, Ms B, Deep & Karrie B are truly amazing women....I thank you guys sooooooo much....you know why...
• Speaking of which....where the heck is Deep?
• My baby sang the chorus of 'I swear' by All-4-One to me this evening....It was the sweetest thing...I had to laugh (silently of course) cos he can't carry a tune if it was strapped to his back...to which, he gave the excuse 'it's night time, so the strings in my throat are not tuned up!) lmao!!
• Why can I smell black cake? (I call it that cos it's the kinda cake you'd typically get at the Christenings and Weddings of Black folk...you know the soaking of the currants and stuff (dunno exactly what they are) in rum, or brandy or whatever paint stripping alcohol is used for MONTHS on end...you know...dark in colour...will knock your ass for 6 if you mess around and eat too much....Yeah that cake)..And after talking about it so much I want a slice dammit!!
• Listening to Floetry right now...and I'm still SO sad that Natalie is no more..... **wipes tear** Why the heck does she wanna go solo ANYWAY?!?!?

Ok...I have nothing more!

Oh yeah...GO TEAM JAMEIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BRAP BRAP BRAP!! (I see Ms Diva over there tryna rep for her team...so you KNOW I have to do the same!!!

Sick And Tired

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm tired of battling withn myself everyday....for over analysing ever situation in my life. I'm so tired of having to dissect the people around me...people that I know are for real, but can't accept it....

I'm attempting to sleep...but I've got a lot on my mind. After a disagreement with Soldier, I'm here laying in my bed going over the words that have been said. I close my eyes, and I hope for a reason behind this constant battle I seem to be facing....I see my father's face....in my attempts of sleep, I envision me calling him up and arranging a meeting. At this meeting I tell him EXACTLY how he's made me the angry bitter person that I am. The one that's struggling to accept the love that's given to her by others....cos if my own father doesn't love me, then how can anyone else?! I tell him how I felt everytime he let me down. Everytime he told me he would come to see my new homes and didn't....how I felt when he told me that he doesn't think of me everyday....that it's a case of out of sight, out of mind....how everytime I feel like I'm dealing, I see him, my blood boils and I'm back to square one. How it feels to know that his congregation probably know nothing of his illegitimate child.....

I open my eyes, and there's tears...a lot of them. I think I need to have this meeting. I need to release this anger. I've tried writing him a letter...have done so twice in the past few months, and I feel better...like weight has been lifted, but something happens to trigger the crap again, and I'm back to square one.
I'm becoming a horrible person...a person so consumed with hate and hurt that I can't accept anything good around me. I feel like I don't deserve happiness, yet that's all I want. I'm tired of being this person....I think I need this meeting. But I don't know what I expect. I could tell him everything and nothing would change....how would I feel? What kinda relationship, if any do I want with him? Or do I just need him to know how he's ruined my life?

I'm sick and tired of being me, of battling everyday with the memories, the scars and the what if's, taking every word and action of another as a personal attack on me. I'm tired of pushing my loved ones away....I don't want to lose them...I'm sick and tired of being the female with 'Daddy Issues.'

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
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An Aunty Again....!!?!?!

I've just come off the phone with my sister...she has informed me that my brother's girlfriend is pregnant...AGAIN....with bambino number 2. To say I'm shocked is an understatement! I couldn't understand the words that were coming out of my sisters mouth! Like 'you what???'

I went to my Mum's today, and she said that my bro's chick was in hospital cos she was bleeding...not thinking I'm like 'why would you go hospital cos you're bleeding?? That time of the month innit?' My mum shrugs...and then it was forgotten.

My sister said that my Mum spoke to the GF, my brother came to her house and being the dyamn fool that he is, had no answers for my mum....so when she gets on the phone to the GF, she's like 'You gone back fi di dawta?' The GF's like 'huh?' My mum repeats it, the penny drops, she responds yeah....so my girl is pregnant again.....

Now I'm pleased for them, don't get me wrong, but it don't make sense...I mean, ask Tam...she'll tell ya...if a dick goes in, a baby could come out...so why did my brother tell my Mum that it wasn't meant to happen and she didn't take her pill?? Are you for real???? So it's HER fault then....right ok!!

It's the kids I feel for because:

• My brother has no J-O-B
• She has no permanent place of residence (she's current;ly in a mother-baby unit)
• Their relationbship is the pits (if I'm being honest)..from the outside looking in, it's destructive, and abusive
• She's 17 with NO form of qualifications
• My brother's a wasteman! Roaming the streets til all hours...
• Did I mention he has no job??
• My nephew is 6.5 months....so she'll be sooo run down tryna handle a kid just over one and a new born...BY HERSELF!

Like I told my sister....I wish them all the best...I'll help where I can...but damn.....*smh*....

Never Apologize....

I don't actually have much to post about today…so I'll share the contents of an email a friend sent to me recently:

 

21 things a sista should never apologize for:

 

Never apologize

 

1. For pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to quit your job, transfer schools, or move across country, always do what you really want.
2. For using proper English. Keeping it real doesn't mean you have to use Ebonics.
3. For giving your best in a relationship that just didn't work.
4. For crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself.
5. For being successful. Only haters want to keep you at their level.
6. For ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.
7. For wearing a weave or braids. You bought it so it's your.
8. For being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.
9. For treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.
10. For demanding respect. You are to always be treated as a Queen.
11. For leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.
12. For keeping the ring even if you didn't get married.
13. For setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves.
14. For dating outside of your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the colour line, doesn't mean you don't love your brothas.
15. To your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.
16. For ordering dessert or more than one dessert.
17. For being a single Mom. Babies are a blessing.
18. For saying 'No'.
19. For not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma, you know how to order a good take out!
20. For making more money than your man-you work hard and deserve to get paid.
21. For being YOU.

 

Keep your head up and keep moving forward. Always remember that God loves you and he ALWAYS has your back.

 

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Sent from Yahoo! Mail.
A Smarter Inbox.

Sunday....

Today is Mother's Day over here....so to all the Mothers: Happy Mothers Day!!!!

I purposely woke up early today...tidied my house and headed out to buy Mother's Day cards (yeah, I know I left it REEEALLLY late). I wanted to stop by the cemetry to put flowers on my LF's Mum's grave, but I didn't get to in the end...I'mma try get there one day this week! It's days like this that appreciate what you have....when you think of those that do not have....I'm sure my friend would give anything to have her Mum here now...I stopped at my Mum house-it was about 2pm....Mum was in bed...kipping....barely managed to grunt a hello...I left the card on the table...conversated with them kids, and then headed out to my Granny's. It's now after 7pm, and she hasn't called or text to say thanks for the card or nothing....*sigh* I dunno...! I'm trying to appreciate her...but she's seriously working my nerve!!

Chilling at my Granny's and my dad comes round (gggggrrrrrr!!!) I haven't seen or spoken to him since he left the A & E department of the hospital on New Years Eve. Everytime this man is in my vicinity, he manages to mess with my spirit....I always feel sooo angry. I try not to, but thus far, to no avail. He's here for about an hour....and only acknowledges me when I open the door, and when he's leaving. I'm upstairs in the spare room on my laptop, he comes in, puts his hand on my head, and asks about my laptop (that he helped pay for yet never seen...cos he's NEVER been to any of the places that I've lived at!)...then he's like, ok, see you later! Ok-whatever...I didn't even look at him.....but my blood is boiling. I'm SO mad that he has this effect on me. I'm meant to be seeing Soldier this evening...heaven help him! lol! I'm in a rotten mood now!

Looking back at the way things have been...and I've been a crap girlfriend...I almost...almost feel bad for Solider....ah..that feelings gone now! lol!!

I've got many issues....and I know it's affecting my daily life, my relationship everything...I'm just trying to deal with it all....

Ok, so this post as totally changed direction...it wasn't supposed to be all deep with emotion and crap....

Hope you're all having a good chilled out Sunday! I'm off for a nap...something about eating rice n peas, chicken, veg, roasted spuds with gravy that makes a sista TIRED!!

Randomlicious part 2

I had every intention of posting about how my manager's messing with my good spirit....tryna make me get ghetto up in the workplace....but Monie had a better idea!

Here are my 5 random pics from my crackberry....enjoy!
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Random Why's

Why.....

...Have I been eating like I've never eaten before? And of course it's nothing healthy...Chinese, KFC......Guess I can't fight it anymore-I need to start up at the gym!

...Did this boy at the chicken & chip shop (money's too tight for KFC right now!) make such a big deal about having burger sauce on his chips....only to return 2 minutes after he left the shop to ask for another bag, cos he didn't like the burger sauce?

...Did a 2007 Range Rover drive at 10mph ALLLLLLLLL the way down the road? The EMPTY road? Purposely driving in the centre so I couldn't overtake...and damn near stopping whenever a car came up in the other direction????????? Grrrr...I have NO patience for shit/slow drivers!! Get outta my way! I've got chicken to eat fool!!!!

...Is it that relationships are never plain sailing? I mean, why can't it just be the good conversations, the hugs, the kisses, the great sex ;-), the laughs, the fun interaction...? Why do we need to have the stupidty, the immaturity, the dumbness (yes, this is all him), the insecurities (I'll hold my hands up and say that's me), the arguing, the make up sex (which is also great...but WHY does it feel like there's ALWAYS making up to do...??) I don't need perfect, I just need damn near perfect dammit!!! Arrggggh! Why does he frustrate me SOOOOOOOOO much?!?!?

...Does Monie wanna know what I look like???

...Am I dreading Sunday? (It's Mother's day, which means MORE hype from said relative!)

...Am I sooooo in love with my Ipod Nano 3rd gen, and not remotely interested in the Ipod touch..(which is something, considering I'm a gadget freak!)

Speaking of ipods...Why am I still so mad that my Ipod mini no longer works? (Cos it's got PURE tunes on it!!)...And what does one do with her ipod shuffle? (You'd think I had money with all the pods I've got...but I'm broker than a mofo!)

...Is stress making me break out, making my face look like a grater?!?!?!?

...Do I feel like I've eaten an house...when I really haven't

...Am I feeling like upgrading to Internet Explorer 7 was the biggest mistake ever?!?!? It won't let me comment on sooo many blogs...telling me some crap about live feeds...BUT WON'T LET ME COMMENT!!! (please forgive me if you see me on your blog & I don't comment...IE7 won't let me!) :-(

...Has my place of employment prevented me from going onto Blogs? The site isn't blocked-oh no, they're testing my ass to see if I'm gonna defy the new employee handbook! I'm sooooooo annoyed!!!

...Did I take today off work, but feel like the day was wasted..considering I didn't get to do what I took the day off to do?

...Do I bother to take days off, when my manager makes me feel like I'm at work anyways? Talking about crap that can CLEARLY wait until I get back....TOMORROW!!

...Have I got nothing constructive to post about??? Ah well, I've been told to post even when there's nothing....so this here's my post!

Toodles!

The Continued Hype

Just when I thought my Mum couldn't be anymore petty and immature acting, she's proved me wrong!

I haven't seen or spoken to her since the other day. Yesterday, on my way to my Aunty's house, I saw my Mum on the road. I was driving my Granny's car, and as we stopped at a red light, I saw her stopped on the other side of the road. I beeped the horn at her. She looked over, I smiled,the light changed and I carried on driving. I wasn't sure if she'd seen me, cos I wasn't in my car, and her facial expression have me no indication. So I called the house today, and was having an over long conversation with my youngest sister. My response was mainly 'yeah' cos I didn't understand some of what she was saying. She said 'do you wanna talk to mum?' But I said yeah, before I realised what she said...by which point it was too late.

So my Mum comes on the phone, I didn't know what to say really, so I was like have I got any mail? She was like yeah 2 letters. She seemed ok, so I was like, did you see me yesterday? She's like 'yeah I saw you grinning your teeth at me. Why're you grinning for? To show me you were with your beloved Grandma?'.....so we're clearly still being dumb. I was just like Mum, I'll talk to you, cos you're on some hype ting!' and hung up.

So WHY are we still here? Simply cos my Mum likes to forget she's a grown ass woman, and instead prefers to act like she's in a damn playground. As far as I'm concerned what happened the other day is dead now....over with....hence why I spoke to her! To me life is too short to be fooling around with stupid disagreements, but clearly my Mum doesn't think so.

I spoke to my sister, and my Mum brought a dumb arguement to her earlier in the week as well. My mum told my sister that I didn't do anything for her, so she didn't care if me and her wasn't talking. So now I'm like you know what, fine. If you wanna prolong this totally unneccesary disagreement then fair enough. It's whatever then!

I'm expecting a package that's being delivered to her house one day this week, and I've gotta give her money, and collect money from my sister, so I'm gonna go down there on Friday, and if she's still showing me bad face, then I'm done trying with her. I've got my own stuff going on, and I can't be dealing with foolishness too!

Again, if i've missed something, someone please tell me.....cos I really can't make sense of this at all!
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My war scars!

These are my wounds......I laid laminate flooring for my Aunty....and I have wounds.....WOUNDS dammit!

I got a rash from the underlay...

...got my skin caught in between the boards when I was trying to click em together (you can see the rash more in this pic) ...

...and when sawing a plank, the saw somehow managed to jump from the plank I was sawing onto my hand and take away some skin.

Now the real PAINFUL wounds are the ones you can't see, but I can surely feel. My arm muscles are sore, my back hurts so bad I can barely stand straight, and my legs hurt so bad I'm shuffling instead of walking! I look like some hunched back old woman! It's a ruddy joke! But I got PAID so it's not too bad....though tomorrow I will be cussing all and sundry cos the pain will be worse!

I must say though, for all the pain, blood and sweat, the floor looks mighty fly....now it's a shame I didn't think to take a picture of that! Ah well!

Hope you all are having a less painful Saturday!!

That Friday Feeling

It's FINALLY Friday...damn it's been a long and tiring week! Shame the weekend isn't gonna be any easier. I've gotta lay laminate flooring for my Aunty....I'm gonna be in some serious agony come Sunday, but I'm getting paid to do it, so it's not all bad.

I actually have nothing to post about, and I most certainly do NOT have that Friday feeling....though that is what this post is titled...but yeah...everything is pretty much same ole...but I thought I'd share these boots that I got yesterday...my nephew got them firstbut I love em, so I figured I'd get a pair (and he loves me enough to have the same shoe as he), ...oh how it pays to have small feet! Here they are....not to everyone's taste, and very skaterboy-ish, but I love em...here they are....(and yes, I took the pics at my desk! lol)

Hope you all have a good weekend!

Catch up with ya!!

Tom_Gurl

HYPE!!!

Why is everything and everyone so hyped right now? I mean really why is it necessary?

I've been dealing with some stuff recently, and my head's been a bit over the place....so the LAST thing I need right now is an arguement.

So I just called my mum...haven't seen or spoken to her since Friday when we all went out for my nephew's birthday. It was her birthday on Sunday, and I had EVERY intention of going to her house, like I do most Sunday evenings, I called the house, and my sister told me that my mum was sleeping. It was like 8pm. So I'm figuring there's no point going down there cos she's sleeping, and she don't get up for nobody when she's sleeping.....SO considering I was going there to see her, there'd be no point if she'd be sleeping. So I told my sister to tell my Mum happy b'day.

Didn't think anything of it. The fam went to Nando's yesterday for my sister's birthday (pure birthdays in Feb) but I didn't go cos I was stupidly broke, and u knew my mum wouldn't pay for me cos she paid for me on Friday.

So Anywho, I just called her, and the first thing she says is "oh you remember me?" instantly I know she's tryna get into something dumb, so the conversation goes:
Me: what's that supposed to mean?
Her: "what I said"
Me: I'm sure you have a phone too
Her: What?
Me: Well if I don't call you, or come round you don't check for me
Her: That's cos you're always at my house
::Case in point...If I don't come to her house, I don't see or hear from her! And then when I come too regular I'm hearing 'remember you don't live here. She calls my older sister EVERY DAY...more time several times a day, but she don't call me::
Me:Ah whatever Mum
Her: Yes, well it was my birthday and you didn't even call
::Again, Case in point, ANYONE else can not call i.e. my brother, and it's NO big ting....me now it's drama::
Me: I did call, but them kids said you was sleeping.
Her: Yes cos I was tired. Why you call that time anyway?
Me: It was 8! I was gonna come down, but you were sleeping! How am I meant to know you'd be sleeping then?
Her: Cos I was tired. I am allowed to sleep you know! Where was you all day anyways?
Me: At my Granny's
Her: (Overly sarcastic) Oh yeah, the wonderful Grannyhas to come first
Me: you know what Mum-I'll speak to you later
::click!::

Erm...what just happened there? I was just calling to say hi, and I get all that? My Mum's ALWAYS has this thing that I always put my Dad's side of the family over her and my siblings so she'll always have something smart to say. It's not that they don't get on, cos they do...my mum is my cousin's godmother, and my Aunty is my youngest brother and nephew's Godmother...thought neither have seen their Godchildren since when and when time...but anyways!

I don't favour one side of the fam over another...not at all...No one can replace my Mum...same way my grandparents & aunty are irreplaceable. I think what's always gotten to my Mum is I've always had a closer relationship with my Granny and Aunty...but then, I talk to my Mum about things I don't talk to Granny & Aunty about....simple fact-the relationships are DIFFERENT!

My Grandad used to be MAD grumpy, so when them kids used to come to my Granny's, I'd shut the door quietly, otherwise it'd be hours of pure cussing...my mum would see that as me taking care of their house better than hers! I mean, gimme a break!

So when she has snide remarks to make about them, it DOES bother me, and it DOES get my back up....same way if I heard my Aunty or Granny saying anything about my Mum it'd be the same reaction...And in case you're kinda confused, I don't have the same Dad as the rest of my siblings.

So a simple 'hi, how are you conversation' has turned into something much more hyped...and I'm PISSED! I'm sooo not in the mood now, and being as stubborn as I be, I won't go by the house...unless it's to grab mail, and as stubborn as my Mum is, she won't talk to me...ah-this is SO long! Sometimes I wonder if this woman is really a grown ass woman!!

Tell me you guys-did I do something wrong? Honestly, what did I miss??????


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My Grandad

(2 posts in one day...????)

I went to investigate the deal behind my death dream. I found this:

'To dream about the death of a loved one, suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies. Ask yourself what makes this person special or what do you like about him. It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship or circumstances.'

And it made me think. My Grandfather is one of the very few positive male influences in my life. Despite the fact that my father is not his child, he never saw me as anything less than his grandchild. He treated me like a Princess, made me feel special. I remember when my cousin came over from Jamaica, and we had a fight (can't remember why) and he bit me on my arm (I still have the scar now) and my Grandad bought my this little dolly, with Ginger hair....this was the first and last thing I remember my Grandad ever buying for me, and I loved that dolly so...(until my sister convinced me to cut the hair cos it would grow back... the hair did not grow back (lol), and my mum eventually threw it out) but the relationship I have with my Grandad goes so much further than the material.

It's funny, I never really appreciated him until I nearly lost him. Grandad was soooo moany before he got sick. Like he'd always have something to cuss about, but with me and my lil cousin, he was always so gentle...never horrible...After he got ill, and he saw that he nearly lost his life twice, he lightened up a whole lot...I see now, he's appreciating life alot more, and is seeing that there is more to life than bricks and mortar....

The relationship I have with ny Grandad hadn't really been much the older I got. But in the last few months, we have become so much better. I always said, that when I got married, I'd want him to walk me up the aisle-give me away...cos he was always the Dad to me that my Dad couldn't, or just refused to be. When my Grandad got ill, I think that was the 1st time I actually looked at him as a real person-I know that sounds dumb, but to me he was always so strong, never sick, almost invincible, but seeing him on the hospital bed with tubes and machines beeping and things...I'd just never seen him so weak.

My Grandad is so special to me, he's the one that if he could, would protect me from every hurtful word, person and thing. That would move heaven and earth to make me happy. I tell Soldier all the time that he would be the person he'd need to win over...not my Granny, aunty, or even my Dad....My Grandad's the one to watch out for...he'd wanna kick your ass in a minute..lol...he'd grill your ass on everything under the sun...and if you're not a cricket fan, one strike against ya....not a Bob Marley fan....ah shit, that's two strikes...lol...my Grandad will always be my main man....Beyonce sang about wanting her unborn son to be like her daddy...I want mine (no I'm not pregnant....I'm just saying!!!) to be like my Grandaddy....He has so many great qualities...He is such a GREAT man...

'It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship'....Sounds somewhat similar to the question my sister posed to me this evening....If I'm honest...the answer is 'yes'.

Weight

Hmmm...this evening I have quite alot on my brain....alot of thoughts swirling about, alot of feelings and emotions floating about inside.

Last night, I had a really vivid dream that my Grandad died. I know dreams usually do, but this dream felt so real. I can't remember how he died, but I remember me, my aunt & granny went to Jamaica, to St Elizabeth-where he's from, to tell his family that he had died....it was so wierd cos none of us were crying.....this morning I woke up, and my heart felt so heavy. I realised that it was a dream, but I was scared none the less.

I went to see my sister this evening, and she asked me a question about me and Soldier....She asked the question, and then made some comments...I didn't think much of it at the time, but when I left her house, I began questioning the question....trying to think of an answer to that question...and even now-some hours later, I still don't have a real answer. It's weighing heavy on my mind, I'm trying to let it out of my head, but it doesn't seem to want to shift.

Someone I care about has been hurt by someone, and I feel stupidly helpless cos I can't do anything. I'm mad thinking about the situation, mad that it's happened....I dunno....

There are other little things-small things that if I'm honest I can't really make sense of...but it's there-it's adding to the weight, the weight that's not shifting.

I tell ya, overly thinking is so not a good thing-in fact it's downright annoying-but how do you stop yourself from thinking? I swear I overly think in my sleep!

Just can't seem to stop the thoughts swirling around in my head, remove the weight...

Random

Happy Valentines day people! If like me, you'll be spending said day at home...jamming, doing nothing I'll be on MSN and Yahoo messenger this evening...please note that you Americano's are at least 5 hours behind moi....and I'm an early bird these days...so in actual fact-you may not catch me at all! Lol!

I've taken the day off today. Smartie's a tad ill. He's been dropped off at the 'doctors' who are going to mend him and make him 100% again! AND I walked for a whole hour-none stop from the car garage back to my house-trust, my legs were like JELLY after! So right now, I'm sitting here waiting for the mechanical heads to call me back so I can trudge the hour journey back to get my car.

My shower drain is blocked and the Estate Agents were arranging for 'someone' to come and unblock it....um...please tell me why I got a call at like 11 (this 'person' was meant to come at 12) from said Agency saying that the landlord wants to reschedule for TOMORROW at 6pm....hmm...funny how we go from 'someone' to the landlord-that muh-fucka is ALWAYS tryna get up in my house! He's such a cheap skate! Instead of trying to mess me about,how about you allow the estate agents to deal with it! But you know what, I'm not even tryna worry about it. I say, yes-that's fine, but MAKE SURE he comes at 6 cos I've got things I need to do, and I'm not gonna be sitting here waiting for him. It was my nephews 1st birthdy on Tuesday, and we were meant to go to Pizza Hut, but he was a lil ill, so it got postponed til Friday. So instead of chowing down some pizza tomorrow, I'll be sitting here whilst this dude unblocks my drain! He'd better not try and take long either-cos I already can't stand his stupid ass!!

So yeah, dispite the fact that me & Soldier are on pretty good terms (looong story) we won't be spending this evening together...He's working ALL day....I hate it when he does these shifts, but as he is a 'spare' he hasn't got much choice. He started this morn at like 7....finished at 10 this morning, had 3 hour break and then has gone back to work, where he'll remain until they tell him otherwise! So in his 3 hour break, he came to see me....and we had a good time **insert cheeky but very satisfied grin here**...and now he's gone back to work...

And I've just had a call from the mechanical heads...seems they need a part for my car that they won't get til tomorrow...so I can either go back for Smartie and bring him back another day or just leave him there...so I'm just gonna leave him and pick him up tomorrow...which makes tomorrow after work really tight.

Ah the joys! Hope you all have a wonderful day...whatever you do!