Dear Father

It's taken many attempts to finally complete this letter. See, I've been thinking alot recently about you, about the hurt and pain I feel in my heart when I think of you and our non-existent relationship, and it's now, I've decided that I no longer want to feel this way & that I can actually take steps to fully rid myself of these feelings. Writing this letter is a small step. I've finally accepted the fact that we will never have a relationship, so I'm now working towards a happier me.

Back in the day, you used to take me to stay at your house every wekend. I remember when I was around 4 or 5, and I used to love running up and down the street outside your house-Granny has the picture still-I look at it with warmth in my heart. I remember when you bought me my 1st 2 wheeled bike. Looking back, it was so far from being a girlie bike - guess even then I was 'tom-boyish'-but I was your little princess (who hated dresses). My bike had the coolest gadgets on-and made the weirdest noises-I remember my sister & brother were jealous cos I had the baddest bike on the estate. When you gave me the bike, I gave you a hug and a kiss-I think that's the only hug & kiss I ever gave/had from you.

Shortly after my 6th birthday, your wife had a baby. The new arrival didn't phase me. I was used to having to share the attention-I knew that it didn't matter, cos I was still the no dress wearing princess.

As time went on, you would still pick me up from my house-but instead of going to your house, you would drop me off to Granny's house. I didn't mind though cos I loved being there. I loved my granny & aunty like they were my mum, and loved & climbed all over Gramps like he was you. By this point, I would only see you on Friday & Sunday when you would pick me up and take me back home.

Slowly, we stopped being the dynamic duo we once were-it was just me...and you. I only came to your house when I asked to-it was like you stopped wanting me to. I guess I realised the difference in you-so I didn't ask to be at your house very often. I guess cos you had another princess-one who would wear dresses you didn't need me anymore.

As I grew older, I saw you even less. Granny would come for me on Fridays and I'd stay there all weekend. And even though you only lived around the corner, I rarely saw you.

As I turned into a teen, me and mum would argue often. I was so unhappy at home-you knew this, and not once did you ever ask me how I was coping or offer for me to stay with you. I felt so alone, I contemplated suicide-my friends managed to convince me that my life was worth living.

Once, I asked to stay at your house for the week. You let me. It was during this week that I had my 1st asthma attack-at school, and I got taken to hospital. They tried to call you-but couldn't get hold of you, Mum met met me at the hospital, and hours later you took me back to your house. I was upset that you wasn't there, but I didn't show it. You told me that I could stay off from school the next day-but I'd be home with your wife-I'd rather be at school! You see, ever since your daughter was born, your wife became the typical 'wicked step-mother'. When you were about she was nice as pie, but as soon as you were gone she was a complete bitch. And that time she sat opposite me on the bus that day and totally ignored me-and she denied it, and you believed her over me, that really hurt. Cos she really did act like she didn't know me-but you defended her-and called me a liar.

Remember the diary I had that Mum found and read all the horrible stuff I used to write about her? When she found it, she was so mad at me. She told me I was hating the wrong person. That you didn't want me-you wanted her to abort me. Those words cut like a knife. I honestly felt like the world as I knew it had crumbled. Slowly things started to make sense. You changed towards me when your daughter came about-the child you really wanted. I was the one you didn't want. The one you wished was never born. Mum gave Granny my diary. You read it, and told me that you loved me and your daughter the same-that you'd make more of an effort with me. But you didn't. That was the 1st and last time I ever heard you use the word love in the same sentence when referring to me.

When I left school, I went to live with Aunty. You helped me move my stuff-but I never saw you much after that. I carried on with my life, but the unresolved issue of being unwanted never went away. You never reassured me that I really was what you wanted. You were always the perfect dad in public, but in reality you never were. You never had time for me.

When I got my GCSE grades-ones that I was very proud of, you shut me down. Told me that I could have done better. I had the grades to do the highest level of the course that I applied for-but that didn't matter to you. I was a failure in your eyes. When your daughter got her results 2 years later, you called me to tell me how proud of her you were. I'd just completed my course at this point. Got a Merit grade-the equivalent to 2 A-Levels, but you didn't tell me how proud you were of me. This confirmed that I couldn't do anything to please you-to make you proud of me. All I wanted was for you to be proud of what I'd accomplished-for you to see that my mum keeping me was a good decision,cos you'd have a daughter you was proud to have.

I moved out on my own. Lived in 3 different flats since-and never one did you come and see where I was living. Never did you show an interest. For all you knew, I could have been sleeping in a shit hole, and you'd be none the wiser. I paid my way through drivin lessons-failed 3 times and never did you offer words of encouragement to keep trying. When I passed, you yapped on about how happy you were. I've got a new car-but you have taken no interest in knowing what it is-or even if it's a piece of junk!

Last year, me and my girls had planned a really nice day out. It was summer, and the weather was nice. We were heading to the park for a picnic, and to chill. On the way there, I had a wierd feeing that I couldn't shake. I can't describe it, but I didn't like the feeling I had. Then my phone rings-and it was you:
'Hi Dad'
'Hi Stranger'
'Wow'
'What?'
'I'm just shocked-I haven't heard from you in ages'
'Well you haven't called me! I'm the dad'
And it was here I totally lost it. I told you of all the hurt and pain I'd had stored in my heart for all of these years, and how it had affected me. You apologised, said you'd do better, and you'd call me another time. I was angry at myself for allowing you to get me so angry & upset. A few weeks later, I find out that you were going into the church, and you calling me was your way of 'wipng the slate clean' So that right there, you calling me on that day showed me that it wasn't for me-or for us, but was for you. And whist you were an elder in the church-being the 'great' christian, I was left picking up the pieces to the world that went crazy with the emotions that you opened up. I had told myself years before that I didn't need you in my life, but when you told me you'd make the effort somewhere within me hoped you'd stay true to your word and be there for me. Hang out with me-talk with me. But of course those were just words to satisfy you. How dumb was I for thinking you'd really want to be in my life?

I've seen that you are who you are. I see you can't love me the way a father should love his child. I've accepted the fact that you will never be my 'dad', always the man who's sperm helped to make me. A father by name sake.

I've realised that carrying all this pain in my heart does nothing but hurt me. It has stopped me from moving forward. And even as I write this letter with tears in my eyes I now know that I deserve love and that these tears that fall down my cheeks are no longer ones of sadness, but are tears of determination and courage. I refuse to allow you to hurt me. I will strive to be the best that I can be, to be proud of me, and most importantly to love me. I will find the happiness that I deserve, have the man who'll love me for me & whom I can love without measuring his faults up to yours. I'll have my family & be damn sure that my child will not suffer the way I have.

So you can continue to live your life with your family. I hope you are happy. I for one, am getting to a happy place-one where I can love wholeheartedly, and not punish others (men in particular) for what I feel are your wrongdoings.

Sincerely

Tom_Gurl