Lost Without You

'Can't Help Myself. How Does It Feel To Know That I Love You Baby'

Well, I'm still waiting to hear how it feels. I've been away for a minute, been dealing with some emotional stuff. To be honest, alot has happened since the last time I blogged, and to be honest right now I don't have the patience or the brain capacity to remember it all.

Ok, so to the title of the blog-Now that I'm accepting the fact that I may have to deal with life without Mr Man, suddenly he's all I want. I'm feeling like without knowing that he's in my life, that I'm effectively lost. It's now that I'm realising that I really do love him-I've been trying to convince myself that I'm in control of my emotions-that I really do have an off off switch that I control in regards to him. I've been refusing to believe that I have become one of those girls who falls for a dude who's spinning them nothing but sweet words. I won't lie, some things he's said to me has made me think-'yeah right, do I look stupid to you?', but then other things he says makes me know he's being honest-or is he?

Long distance relationships are so hard-especially when all you want to do is be together. You have no idea how much of everyday I sit gazing into space-mind wondering away-thinking of the day that we would be together. When I'd come home & he'd be there to greet me, when we'd go out together, be at family functions. I imagine getting to know his son....live in a fantasy world live happily ever after! But in the very essence of real life, it's not happening.

Ok, so I met him when I went to Jamaica in September-when I first met him, me and my girls were joking, saying he was Winston..from 'How Stella Got....' and the ultimate quote 'I love you Stella' in the worst possible Jamaican accent (Taye-I aint mad at ya though!!' But anyways, we chilled pretty much every day of my 2 week stay. Nothing happened more than kissing, he respected the fact that I was still a virgin wasn't tryna give away the keys to just anyone-but I was really feeling him. But I was realisitic-the fact that we're 5,000 miles away, I knew nothing really would ever come of it-and I'd always known, and been told of the men with the 'silver tongues'.

Anywho, back at home, and we would talk on the phone all the time. Me & my girls fell in love with JA, so we booked to go back in Feb of this year-which we did. Now, this time round, the holiday was not as enjoyable-all long to get into, but let's just say it's now the 'unspoken holiday'-and it was nothing to do with me! Me & Mr Man spent even more time with each other, and of course, I was feeling him more. On the day that we were leaving, he gave me his St Christopher chain that his grandad gave to him, as well as a picture of his son. I thought, yep-he's serious! He's really feeling me too.

Back home, and things were ok. I mean there's been points where I've just gotten fed up with just the phone calls, with the fact that in order for me to see him, I'd have to get the money, book the time off work explain to the fam why I'm running off to JA so often-and I'm not staying with family....and with all those factors, ultimately not knowing when I'd see him again. I'd get mad at me, him and the situation. And then after a few days of not speaking to him, I'd really miss him, and I'd feel better. Well right now, the issue I've got is that the calls are inconsistent-to the point where it's pissing me off. I mean granted, I haven't really called him, but I send him texts to let him know I'm thinking of him and everything. When I was out there in Feb, he gave me a phone that he needed a battery for, I managed to locate a battery, and FE went to JA last Sunday, and I gave it to her to give to him for me. He knew that FE was going out to JA-but I hadn't heard from him for over a week before hand. I was mad cos it was like, you haven't called to see how I'm doing, or my LF after the death of her mum, and it's like now you know something's coming for you, you wanna call me. On the night he called I was out raving, so I only got a voicemail, but then he called again on Sunday-which is the day the FE was leaving. I dunno, maybe I read too much into it, but it just felt like he was only calling to make sure that I'd given FE the phone to give to him.

I sent him a text letting him know how I felt, and he then blew off my phone for 4 days straight-and since Thursday I haven't heard from him. I met up with the girlies yesterday-FE came back from JA yesterday, and I was hoping that he would have given her a picture of him and his son (which I'd asked him for and he said that he would give to her), or a letter or even a message-but there was nothing-absolutely nothing. I was really disappointed, but then I'm telling myself that I'm not as bothered as I think I am.

I'm trying to make sense of the current situation in my head-and disecting it, and the more I fdo this, the more I think that he's not genuine about the things that he's been saying. I never thought I'd be in this situation. In theory it's easy enough to just forget him, as he's not in the same damn country as me.....but it's now that i'm telling myself to be done with it, it's the more my heart's telling me that I love him, and that I need to stick with it and ride with the situation until it gets better-but I'm not trying to keep doing this for years to come.

I'm at a total loss, I haven't a clue what to do-I can't help the fact that I've got love for this dude, he knows-but how does he feel knowing that I love him? He does tell me that he loves me-all the time, but is this for real?

None of my girls really know how much I'm feeling this dude....so i'm pretty much battling this on my own-but we've all gotta handle our business at some point huh?

I mean really-am I wasting my time?

Damn-my head hurts....