Gloomy Day....

Not much has happened since the last blog, but I thought I'd type something, cos I'm avoiding doing some work!! It's so rubbish outside-it's cold and rainy-I swear it's rained non stop for way too many days now! Roll on Summer I say!

My LF's mum is getting buried on Monday-not looking forward to it at all! With this passing, it's made me think alot about my boy A, who passed away 3 years, this year. I haven't been to visit his bench for ages, and I'm thinking to do it this Sunday, after church. I know death is a part of life, but it's so horrible-I mean, what is never seeing that person again? Just thinking about all those that has passed, is so depressing. And the hardest thing to digest is that until I go, there's always the knowledge of knowing that other loved ones are gonna go to.

On the plus side, speaking to my sister today, her friend's baby is coming out of hospital on Friday. She was born prem, and has been in the hospital ever since, but is now strong enough to come home. Pleased about that!!

Ok-now I've gotta do work-so I'm gone....

A New Day.....

Sup? Been mad few days, but I'm just tryna deal with it-tryna do things as normal. Went to Pizza Express with a couple of the girls-just to kinda take the mind of everything that's happened. I feel bad though, cos it's like, whilst we're here enjoying an evening out my LF is having to plan a funeral-I mean it just doesn't seem right you know?

It was a pleasant evening though, my and my SFAM was out with the Double D's (nothing to do with bra sizes!) which was nice, cos I can't think of a time when it's just been us-wasn't the usual pairing, but it was really nice. We just talked freely, and had a good time. Didn't leave there until almost midnight!

This morning, back at work (yesterday was bank holiday), can't say I'm glad to be back, but hey-gotta pay those bills somehow!! And with that said....better get on and do work!! Peace.....

Sad Weekend.....

This is possibly the most stressful weekend I've had this year!! Ok, so on Friday I got a text from a friend of mine. Basically her baby father has reported her to Social Services, and so they are coming to see her on Tuesday. I feel bad for her, cos there's not much that I can actually do. She's been through so much with him, and it's like, he won't quit until he breaks her!!

Saturday, my SFAM went out of London with her boyfriend for the weekend. They got into an arguement, she drove into the next car park, parked the car-when she got back to the spot that she'd left him in, he was gone! He was missing for 5 hours! She had to call the police and everything! The poor girl was beside herself, and I felt bad cos there was nothing I could do cos I was so far away! I was ready to jump in my car, and drive down there! He turned up though-he'd walked like 15 miles back to the hotel!

This morning, I got up-was going to my sister's house to do her boyfriend's daughters hair. I'm getting ready and I get a call from my LF. Her mum had passed away. I was in utter shock! I mean, it was only last week that she said that she was dying, and then just a week later she's gone. She was in tears-she wanted me to call all the girls and let them know. I got off the phone with her, and broke down in tears. I then started the process of calling the girls and telling them the sad news. I then headed up to my sister's house, did the little girl's hair and then went on to my granny's house. Spoke to my SFAM most of the day-she wanted to head up to LF's house, but I wasn't sure, as she did say that it wasnt what she wanted. My granny suggested that we go there tomorrow, so that's what we decided to do. My family had gone to 2 christenings. I had decided from yesterday that I wasn't gonna go, but i didn't fancy going home to an empty house, so I went to my SFAM's. We went for a drive, hung out in the car, and then decided to drive up to my LF's mum's house. Her car wasn't there, so we decided to go round to her house. The car was there. I called her, and we spoke. She told me all about what happened this morning with her mum. It was so sad-so much so, that I won't type it. After about 10 minutes, I was like, what are you up to cos my and my SFAM is outside! We went in, and then we spoke for a little while, and then she headed back to her mum's, and I headed to my SFAM's house. We both feel so much better after seeing my LF....seeing her, makes us both realise just how strong she's been. She's just thinking about supporting her siblings. All of the girls are here to support her, for when she needs us and when she does'nt.

At her house, we played Street Fighter and Sonic! Then I headed home, and right now, I'm here watching Mean Girls-I luv this film!! Anyways, I'm bout to head off, and watch the rest of the film! I'm out.....

Another Day

Just a standard day...I'm totally wrecked. I haven't been sleeping much of late....alot on my mind. As a result, I look busted!!!!

Was talking to this girl I went to school & college with (we then lost touch) on MSN, and she was saying that her mum was dying as well-from Parkinson's Disease.

I mean, I don't know what's happening right now man. It's like everything is mad crazy for everyone!!

Anyways, must dash.....Me...

The Bad News

So.....yeah, it really was really bad news. My LF's mum is dying. She's been ill for a for a really long time, and of late her illnesses have gotten worse, and right now it's at the stage now where the doctors reckon there's nothing more that they can do for her. They're apparently surprised that she's lived this long, but she's defied their predictions. I'm hoping and praying that she continues to do so.

Even typing this right now, it doesn't even seem real. I just wanna cry, I mean, surely this can't be happening. I've known this woman for so long, and it's like, what is losing your mum at 24/25? I can't really imagine what my LF is going through, but I know that what I'm feeling, and for her and her family I know it's 10x worse.

Since I've heard, I can think of nothing else, and I haven't been sleeping. This morning I'm absolutely knackered, cos I didn't sleep at all. It's hard to really put things down into words, I mean, it's almost like it's a bad dream that I can't wake up from.

And you know, when we met up on Saturday, SFAM was at the table with her face all pushed up-she's clearly still pissed at me, but you know when you think, seriously, in light of everything that's happening now, surely it's not the time to be focusing on you and you're hang ups?? But nope-as self absorbed as she is, she couldn't think of anyone other than she.

After the meeting, I met my family at Nando's. It was my brother's birthday, and he went to nandos and then on to bowling.

You know, everyone's trying to keep things normal, but it's so hard. The delivery of the news, just puts things into perspective. Let's you see what is, and what is not important. Family & friends are what's important, and stupid little arguments are just that. I'm not gonna focus on pettiness, and likewise I'm not gonna waste my time & energy on friendships that are no more. It's all about my LF and her fam, cos ultimately they're going through hell right now. Please, pray for them.....

Update on News........

It's bad news......whatever it is, it's bad.

I just spoke to my LF and we talked for a minute, cos I told her about the pub being shut, and then I asked if it was good or bad, and she said bad-but that was all I was getting. But she didn't sound upset or anything. I told the girls about the pub, and another venue was put out there. I called my LF back, and told her, and I heard her mum talking in the background, and she sounded fine, My and my LF shared a sec of joking, so that's made me feel a little better, and made me conclude that my LF may be pregnant.

Having emailed MSFAM she was like, but why would it be bad news. I guess to my LF it just might be-I dunno, but it's what I want to believe, and I'm hoping that's the case.....I'll keep ya posted.

News....??

Ok, So I'm at work, and I get an email from FE, freaking out, asking if we all got the text, and what on earth it means. I've left my phone at home so I'm totally confused about what she's on about. I reply saying so, but I'm so impatient, and I'm starting to freak out myself, so I call my sister from another mother (MSFAM), and she reads the text message from my Longest Friend (LF) and the text says that she (LF) has something to tell us all, and that she can't tell us over the phone, and that we should meet up tomorrow at what was our local pub at 1pm. I mean what does this mean? What's the news? MSFAM starts crying-she's like what does it mean? We're all thinking the worst! I was like it's either something to do with her mum-who's been pretty ill for a while, or it's that she's pregnant! I know we're all hoping and praying that it's the latter.

I'm freaking out at work now-I don't know what to do-my phone's at home, and I don't know the number off by heart. So whilst I'm freaking at work, my Office Buddy (OB) tells me not to worry too much-it's probably nothing major, but she doesn't know my LF, she's not a hype chick and isn't the type to create something out of nothing. I'm seriously hoping that it's nothing bad, cos I really can't take any heartache right now!!

FE calls me on my office phone, and we're in the same mode-unsure of what to think.....we ended the conversation on the hope that it's something positive.

Oh-I've just had a thought-when I passed the local pub the other day it was being worked on-I think it may even have been shut. So when I go home I'll call her, and let her know that the pub may actually be shut.........fingers crossed that it's not bad news....I dunno what I'm gonna do if it is.

On other news, it's my lil brother's birthday today. He's 9. I mean, where's the time gone? It feels like only the other day him & my nephew (they're 2 weeks apart) were born......how time flies!!!

Developments...

Ok, so since my last post, there's been a development. On one hand it's been a positive development, but of course on the other hand, it's been negative-in the sense that it's created more tension.

So on Sunday, my friend-the one who sent the fiery email last week calls me and says that we (all the girls) need to have a meeting, to talk about things to try and get everything sorted. We were to be honest with each other in order to find a resolution. Great right....? Ok...

So we meet up (some of the girls were absent), and we start talking about the issues that we've had with each other. It was good, cos it meant that we were able to understand the reasons behind certain actions, and also explain our own side of things effectively. So, yeah things were going pretty well, and then I mentioned that in the past, when I've ever had a falling out with the fiery emailer (FE), her sister from another mother (SFAM) always seemed to stop talking to me. Of course she jumped to the defensive, saying that's not true, that's not what she's about, and she doesnt get involved blah blah. So I said, ok fair enough if that's what you reckon, but I'm simply calling it how I see it, and why would I call her out, and no one else? She was like nope....i mean to be honest, I didn't actually expect her to agree with me, and I was expecting her response, but I felt like as we were in a situation where we were all trying to be honest, I felt like it needed to be said. The fiery emailer said that clearly we weren't going to agree on this, and that we should agree to disagree but the SFAM said she didn't care, and that was her attitude for the rest of the evening. She didn't say anything for pretty much the rest of the evening and her face was push up. When we were going aroung the group saying what we wanted to happen next, SFAM was still on the I don't care vibe. I thought this is pathetic! So I said, at the end of the day, the point of this was to be honest, now as a result of what I said you've now got this I don't care attitude, so if you're showing me you don't care then why should I then make an effort? At the end of the day it's a 2 way street, and I'm not gonna put in the effort if it's pointless. She didn't respond. FE tried to get her to say what was on her mind, but SFAM wasn't having it. I just thought fuck it man, I dont care! I mean from the jump she said that she was happy with the way things were-us segregated and what not, yapping on about how she just wanted people to be happy doing what makes them happy, so I took that away as meaning that being with everyone on a whole is not what she wants, and to be honest I don't care! I'm just doing me, and that's that!! So we left with not really resolving a whole lot, but bwoy.....

Since then I haven't seen or spoken to any of them-except my 'crew' and if that's the way it's always gonna be then fine. But yo-it's whatever!!!!

Anyways-I'm out....gotta actually get work done!

Oh The Drama!

So last night, the fierce emailer called me to find out what happened! I held no bars in telling her. I told her that it's ridiuculous that after all the years of friendship that we have, we're now at a point, where no one can say anything without it turning into an arguement, there's clearly a divide within the group-it's an us and them thing. I told that I'd much rather be in smaller groups, or not go anywhere than be with all the girls, and feel like I have to be on eggshells the whole time, cos it's almost like waiting for a bomb to go off, cos it's almost guaranteed that someone will blow their top over stupidness.

She mentioned that sometimes when we have our issues, we argue and then we move on, the fact that we still have petty arguments seems like forgiveness hasn't really set in. I told her that I agreed-cos it's like something minute can be said, and that triggers in your brain that you're still upset with that person for something else that happens and the little thing that should have stayed as a little thing, then blows up to become something that it doesnt need to be!

I told her that ultimately, I can't fight a battle for 9 people, when 8 of those people are sitting back with their arms folded. Things have been mad for a little while, but no one else seemed bothered, so I'm just rolling with it. Just see what happens...apparently everyone has this fuck it attitude towards the whole friendship ting, and I can honestly say that I think it's because of the petty arguments and the back biting! It's all long. I've fully adopted the fuck it attitude. I can't be bothered with it all. All I'm doing, is being around the people that aren't on a hype ting, who don't feel the need to get excited about every situation, and just focus on what I'm tryna do.....and if that means I dont see the others that often, then standard-it's whatever innit!

Boyment!!

Arrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! I hate girls! Shoot-I know I am one, but goodness I'll never understand females!! My girlies-I love em to bits, but goodness, do they work me!!? I mean one simple thing said and everything blows up! I mean, can we get things into perspective here please???

Ok, basically at work, and normally everyday there's email club-where we send messages to each other throughout the day. So one of my friends emails about a comedy affair that's happening next month, that features Kojo. Another friend mentions that she's not feeling him anymore. So i reply saying how come everyone's anti-Kojo....now when I say everyone, I was clearly being ambiguous, over exaggerating, and most importantly joking! Now at the time I send this email, my other friend's email delivers to me, where she mentions she's not feeling Kojo either.....then in a sec she then sends a fiery email about how she's being jumped on because she made a comment about someone in the public eye blah blah. So I'm like, ok, so everyone's getting excited, let's forget it an move on.....ha-no such luck-the same individual sends another fiery email going on about how she doesn't care who's friend or boyfriend Kojo is, she has her opinion...yada yada.....so clearly it's getting outta hand right? So I then send an email stating that clearly what I said was taken out of context, it wasn't meant to cause an argument or any bad feelings and whatever...but that if everyone (again ambiguous and exaggerated) wants to get excited because I asked a simple question then that was up to them.

So the fiery emailer's sister from another mother, then feels the need to email me to say that no one's getting 'excited' about 'simple' things, and that i need to be careful about what I say, as it can come across as derogatory......ERM.....CAN WE ALL TAKE A RAIN CHECK HERE?!?! Now please bear in mind that I've known most of these girls since I was 11-I'm now 24, and after all these years i have to be careful about what I say? I've been talking this way from the jump, and now suddenly there's a problem? Suddenly whatever I say gets taken wrong...so I've gotta run a conversation in my head, analyse it, see how it'll be taken before I say it...are you serious?? I gotta be walking on egg shells.....around these people who I've known for 13 years?!?! REALLY???

I emailed her back basically saying i say excited all the time, and it's never been a problem before-but of course if no one's excited then there's no problem right?? I mean come on, gimme a break will ya?!?! Dynamics have changed so much over time with the girls, but it's clear to me that's it's at breaking point. I mean if we're all too scared to say shit to each other, and we're always painting a pretty picture before we say shit, clearly there's something wrong right???

I'm still so pissed beyond believe.....it's at the point now where it's like, for a quiet life, I'll say nothing, and I'll chill with people on the same wave length as me-who's not overly hyped, can hear the truth when it's needed to be heard, and who doesn't get EXCITED for foolishness!!!!

I'm out.......

Catch Up

I don't have the net at home at the moment, so I've been unable to get on here at all!!! So let me update:

Saturday: Chilled at home for most of the day, and then went to Hackney Empire to watch the Dons of Comedy. The Dons being Wayne 'Dibbi' Rollins, Richard Blackwood, Kojo & Slim. I laughed my ass off!! Them guys are funny!! Went with the girls and my friend's date. It was their first official date, so you can imagine how great he felt being surrounded by his dates friends!! After the show, Kojo (who's girlfriend is a friend of my friend's) said that there was a rave he was going to at a place called Metropolis, and could get us in for a fiver....so we set off to the venue.

On the way back to the car, one of my friends had an 'I hate Kojo' session. Now, when he was on stage, she tried to make me not like him-she's like 'why's he wearing that chain' (a fat-ass platinum & diamond chain-it was baaad!!!) 'why's he wearing those shoes' it got to the point where i wanted to smack her upside her head! The man is funny!! I paid my money to be entertained, and damn it he entertained me!!

Anyways on the way to Metropolis, we got seperated, we lost Kojo's car, we lost each other! We eventually got to the venue, but by this point, I wasn't feeling the raving ting. My friend who had the date dropped her date to the underground station-he decided to go home. She decided that she was going home, so I jumped in with her...went home to bed-I was absolutely knackered!

Sunday: lept most of the day. Got up and ready, went to my uncles house to look at his laptop (my family seem to think I'm an IT Technician) and we went to my granny's house. I let him drive my Smart car-which he was well happy about! Ate dinner at my granny's.....my uncle took my aunty & cousin home to Kennington, and I headed home. It was my friend's brother's birthday! 17 today! Can't believe it! I've known this boy since he was like 4! How time flies! Her little cousins were getting restless so we went to Mc D's. Got them ice cream. One of her cousins managed to drop his ice cream onto the table twice! He was not impressed! After they went home, I headed back to my house and chilled!

Monday (yesterday): Bank Holiday Monday (May Day) So whooo hooo no work! Not that I had any plans or anything! We had our dinning room de-cupboard! Basically cos we have a fairly small kitchen, in the dining room, there was a counter, and a whole bunch of cupboards in place when we moved in, and yesterday they were removed! FINALLY!! It looks better-there's much more room, but it's looking a bit like a work-site, as the walls aren't in the greatest conditions.....so that needs work that'll be taking place this week! For the rest of the day it was pretty much clean up. My friend came down to see me, and we chatting abit, after she left, it was back to lounging around the house. Mum went to IKEA with my sister, and when she came back she cooked dinner!! Hmmm....i'm hungry just thinking about it! It was fish-snapper I think, but it was just the fillet-no bones, with rice......it was too good!!! Heading upstairs, I was gliding (as you do) on the laminated flooring in my passage, and I stubbed my pinky toe, on the door frame! I hit it so hard, that i heard it before I felt the pain!! it hurt so bad, I thought I broke my bloody toe!

This morning, it took me 10 minutes to get my foot in my shoe! I've since taken it off for my weekly weigh-in at work (first to lose a stone gets £100), and now I'm wondering the office with one shoe off and hobbling ever so embarrassingly!! Anyways, that's all for now. I'll hit back with my developments for the day!

The Day...continued

Right now, I'm at my sister's house babysitting, watching Ugly Betty. Haven't seen this show for a while-I keep forgetting when it's on! I'm dog tired! Ever since I stayed up until 2am the other night to do my sister's hair I haven't caught up with my sleep, so I'm tired beyond belief right now!

Sitting at this computer, and all I can smell is hair grease!! Pretty random I know, but it's really annoying, because there's actually no hair grease present but the scent is so strong it's ridiculous! Maybe it's the smell that's sending me to sleep! LOL!!

I mean, on a real, what do people really write about in blogs? I've heard mad hype about it for ages, and I guess I can't doubt that it's a good thing, but what do I talk about? Maybe, because my day aint been great or exciting why I'm struggling to think of something to type!! Hmm.....anywho-I'm out....until something really interesting happens for me to type about!! LOL

Just Starting

Ok, so this is my first blog-I'm all new to this blogging stuff....but it beats writing diaries by hand!!

Right now, I'm at work-bored outta my skull, but I gotta pay the bills....hence why I'm here! The mood right now, is pretty cool (I guess).... The long weekend is here (yeeeaaaa!!) so looking forward to that....there's plans of raving floating around, but I dunno if I'm really up for it. Haven't been in the raving mood for quite a long time....

Tonight, I'm babysitting my nephews-Rayvone who's 8 & Khamani who's 11 weeks old...actually looking forward to it. I'm just gonna chill, and watch DVD's....

That's all I have to offer right now....will probably come back a bit later...update a lil...but for right now...I'm done! :)