I'm so annoyed! AOL is fucking up big time so I can't update this ting like I wanna. Right now I'm typing this from my mobile & it's so long!
Hopefully my net will be up & running tomorrow so I'll catch up witcha.
Saturday, 30 June 2007
Friday, 29 June 2007
Friday Randoms
It's Friiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiday, and it's paaaaaaaaaaaydaaaaay!! Whoo hoo!! Lawd knows this day took way too long to come!
Went to Bingo last night for the very first time!!! I went with my mum, sister, my aunt and cousins (both of whom are pregnant!) It was good fun....but I didn't win a damn thing! I've got the bug now though, and I wanna go back. It's addictive!!! It's really not just for the old folks (though there were shitloads of em!!)
Still haven't fully decided what I'm gonna do about Mr Man...spoke to him yesterday, and things were cool and all...and I do think about the life that we'd have together, being together. I think my biggest problem is I have no patience, and I can't see a way to make things happen...there's no real plan in place and that's what's frustrating...
Anyway-moving on....I had Nando's for lunch-mmmmm it was sooo good! Boy how I love Chicken! Right now, I'm jamming in my office not doing work (but what else is new?) listening to Brownstone's album-the 1st one....wow-that brings back some memories.....
As you can probably tell, I don't have much to say at the moment-so there's nothing but randomness!! Guess I'll leave it there for now....I'm bout ready to sleep now anyways....
I'm out...
Went to Bingo last night for the very first time!!! I went with my mum, sister, my aunt and cousins (both of whom are pregnant!) It was good fun....but I didn't win a damn thing! I've got the bug now though, and I wanna go back. It's addictive!!! It's really not just for the old folks (though there were shitloads of em!!)
Still haven't fully decided what I'm gonna do about Mr Man...spoke to him yesterday, and things were cool and all...and I do think about the life that we'd have together, being together. I think my biggest problem is I have no patience, and I can't see a way to make things happen...there's no real plan in place and that's what's frustrating...
Anyway-moving on....I had Nando's for lunch-mmmmm it was sooo good! Boy how I love Chicken! Right now, I'm jamming in my office not doing work (but what else is new?) listening to Brownstone's album-the 1st one....wow-that brings back some memories.....
As you can probably tell, I don't have much to say at the moment-so there's nothing but randomness!! Guess I'll leave it there for now....I'm bout ready to sleep now anyways....
I'm out...
Thursday, 28 June 2007
30th Post....30 Things About Me
Ok, so as this is my 30th post, I figured I'd list 30 things about me...not sure if they're interesting, but here goes:
1.I’m number 2 of 7 children
2.I live at home with 4 of them children
3.I’m a virgin
4.I’m VERY bad with money
5.I failed my driving test 3 times
6.I now own a 2006 Smart Fortwo Passion Car
7.I want to do Music Production & Engineering full-time
8.I am going back to college to set said ball in motion
9.My feet are different sizes (Left is 3 3/4 & right is 4)
10.I love Gadgets
11.I’m very good at DIY & building shit
12.I’m short-sighted & wear contacts (though that should also include Glasses-but doesn’t)
13.I’m very shy
14.I trust very quickly & then wait to be hurt
15. I have a VERY sweet tooth
16.I have tried to quit smoking 3 times-the longest was for 3 months
17.I've contemplated suicide (back in the day)
18.I'm quite secretive
19.I hate shopping
20.The last time I wore a dress I was 10 (school summer dress)
21.I'm very affectionate & love hugs
22.Of late I'm very forgetful
23.I love cartoons (especially The Simpsons)
24.I (apparently) look under 16 (get ID'd everytime I buy cigarettes-though not anymore cos I don't smoke....)
25.I sometimes can be easily influenced (major downfall)
26.I'm a picky eater
27.I've seen 4 real life births (and I'm having NO kids....only kidding I want 2)
28.I can be 100% honest about my thoughts and feelings on blogger
29.I want to migrate to the US of A
30. I have very little patience, and get annoyed quickly
31. (I know I said 30-but it's my blog, so I can have one more if I want...lol)My myspace page is : www.myspace.com/milz_a_manna ...come see me...and be my friend ;-)
1.I’m number 2 of 7 children
2.I live at home with 4 of them children
3.I’m a virgin
4.I’m VERY bad with money
5.I failed my driving test 3 times
6.I now own a 2006 Smart Fortwo Passion Car
7.I want to do Music Production & Engineering full-time
8.I am going back to college to set said ball in motion
9.My feet are different sizes (Left is 3 3/4 & right is 4)
10.I love Gadgets
11.I’m very good at DIY & building shit
12.I’m short-sighted & wear contacts (though that should also include Glasses-but doesn’t)
13.I’m very shy
14.I trust very quickly & then wait to be hurt
15. I have a VERY sweet tooth
16.I have tried to quit smoking 3 times-the longest was for 3 months
17.I've contemplated suicide (back in the day)
18.I'm quite secretive
19.I hate shopping
20.The last time I wore a dress I was 10 (school summer dress)
21.I'm very affectionate & love hugs
22.Of late I'm very forgetful
23.I love cartoons (especially The Simpsons)
24.I (apparently) look under 16 (get ID'd everytime I buy cigarettes-though not anymore cos I don't smoke....)
25.I sometimes can be easily influenced (major downfall)
26.I'm a picky eater
27.I've seen 4 real life births (and I'm having NO kids....only kidding I want 2)
28.I can be 100% honest about my thoughts and feelings on blogger
29.I want to migrate to the US of A
30. I have very little patience, and get annoyed quickly
31. (I know I said 30-but it's my blog, so I can have one more if I want...lol)My myspace page is : www.myspace.com/milz_a_manna ...come see me...and be my friend ;-)
It's Official: I'm A Punk!!
We'll get to that in a mo....
I text my friend yesterday to ask her how the bubby was doing and she text me back saying 'hard to say at the mo-just pray...' so that's just what I'm gonna do-pray that he makes a full recovery!
*****OMFG**** Timothy 'Timbaland' Mosely is touching London on 12th July....and I'm reaching!!! It's his album party or summink & he's gonna be there with DJ Freestyle (?) and some of the big UK DJs...I'm sooooooooooooooooo excited!! I absolutely L.O.V.E the musical genius that is Timbo....and he's touching my ends, so of course I have to go!! I'm so excited, you have no idea!!! Yayyy for Tim!!
Ok, so now on to the title of this post! I'm so mad at myself right now, but then I'm also so very confused!!! This morning I listened to Mary Mary's 1st album on my way to work, and cried the whole ruddy way there!!! So yesterday I decided I wanted to end things with Mr Man....All evening, I was preparing myself for the conversation. I've never had to break up with someone before-especially under these kinda circumstances, and with him I can be soooo mad at him, and then as soon as I hear his voice I forget that I was actually mad.
So I call him, and he answers, and we do the pleasantries. Then I ask him if he got my text yesterday. He tells me that he can't see the screen on his phone, and the other one isn't fixed yet, so he can't see anything. In my head I'm thinking 'crap & shit-so he has no damn clue'. so anyways, I then ask him how he feels about our current situation. He tells me that he hates it, and that more time, it hurts so bad, but he looks forward to hearing my voice.....then he asks me how I feel about it....now looking back, this was the PERFECT opportunity for me to say how I felt about the situation, and end things right.....wrong!! I told him that I hated the situation, and that I wasn't happy anymore....that I hated the fact that I couldn't see and speak to him whenever I wanted, and it wasn't how I wanted things to be. He asks me how I feel when I hear his voice (why would you ask me that-this is not part of my plan!!) So I tell him that I feel bad...cos when I don't speak to him, I get mad, and then I hear his voice and I feel happy, but then feel bad for being mad, and then when I come off the phone to him I'm sad again (confusing???) So he then starts telling me that things will get better, and that though he knows that it hurts the both of us, things will change....he's like what do you think....I'm like yeah, I hear what you're saying....AND THAT WAS ALL I SAID!!!!!! Then I was like, well I gotta go (cos T-mobs was charging me the earth for this phone call) and he was like 'bye baby...I love you' I didn't say it back-just said bye again and then hung up. Am I a punk or what?? One simple thing and I couldn't bloody do it. I've been kicking myself ever since...I guess I wanted to prove to myself that 1) I really could do it and 2)that I'm not feeling him as much as I think I am.
See the thing is, a part of me doesn't want to give up on the relationship, but the other part of me is telling me it's pointless trying to believe that things will get better & we'd be together properly. I hate the fact that we're so far apart, and that hurts more than anything...and is the driving force behind me wanting to let it all go....and I'm thinking, am I trying to hold onto to this relationship because I feel so strongly for him, because I'm scared no one else will want me, because I truly believe that he is the one for me, because I WANT him to be my prince, because I don't want to hurt him by breaking up? Should I let it go because it hurts so much, because I'm not sure whether I should be willing to fight......dammit...I JUST DON'T KNOW!!!!! Why can't shit just be easy for ONCE!!!!! What do I do???
On other news.....I'm into my 3rd day of not smoking.....and I don't have any cravings thus far-all I wanna do is cry!!!!
I text my friend yesterday to ask her how the bubby was doing and she text me back saying 'hard to say at the mo-just pray...' so that's just what I'm gonna do-pray that he makes a full recovery!
*****OMFG**** Timothy 'Timbaland' Mosely is touching London on 12th July....and I'm reaching!!! It's his album party or summink & he's gonna be there with DJ Freestyle (?) and some of the big UK DJs...I'm sooooooooooooooooo excited!! I absolutely L.O.V.E the musical genius that is Timbo....and he's touching my ends, so of course I have to go!! I'm so excited, you have no idea!!! Yayyy for Tim!!
Ok, so now on to the title of this post! I'm so mad at myself right now, but then I'm also so very confused!!! This morning I listened to Mary Mary's 1st album on my way to work, and cried the whole ruddy way there!!! So yesterday I decided I wanted to end things with Mr Man....All evening, I was preparing myself for the conversation. I've never had to break up with someone before-especially under these kinda circumstances, and with him I can be soooo mad at him, and then as soon as I hear his voice I forget that I was actually mad.
So I call him, and he answers, and we do the pleasantries. Then I ask him if he got my text yesterday. He tells me that he can't see the screen on his phone, and the other one isn't fixed yet, so he can't see anything. In my head I'm thinking 'crap & shit-so he has no damn clue'. so anyways, I then ask him how he feels about our current situation. He tells me that he hates it, and that more time, it hurts so bad, but he looks forward to hearing my voice.....then he asks me how I feel about it....now looking back, this was the PERFECT opportunity for me to say how I felt about the situation, and end things right.....wrong!! I told him that I hated the situation, and that I wasn't happy anymore....that I hated the fact that I couldn't see and speak to him whenever I wanted, and it wasn't how I wanted things to be. He asks me how I feel when I hear his voice (why would you ask me that-this is not part of my plan!!) So I tell him that I feel bad...cos when I don't speak to him, I get mad, and then I hear his voice and I feel happy, but then feel bad for being mad, and then when I come off the phone to him I'm sad again (confusing???) So he then starts telling me that things will get better, and that though he knows that it hurts the both of us, things will change....he's like what do you think....I'm like yeah, I hear what you're saying....AND THAT WAS ALL I SAID!!!!!! Then I was like, well I gotta go (cos T-mobs was charging me the earth for this phone call) and he was like 'bye baby...I love you' I didn't say it back-just said bye again and then hung up. Am I a punk or what?? One simple thing and I couldn't bloody do it. I've been kicking myself ever since...I guess I wanted to prove to myself that 1) I really could do it and 2)that I'm not feeling him as much as I think I am.
See the thing is, a part of me doesn't want to give up on the relationship, but the other part of me is telling me it's pointless trying to believe that things will get better & we'd be together properly. I hate the fact that we're so far apart, and that hurts more than anything...and is the driving force behind me wanting to let it all go....and I'm thinking, am I trying to hold onto to this relationship because I feel so strongly for him, because I'm scared no one else will want me, because I truly believe that he is the one for me, because I WANT him to be my prince, because I don't want to hurt him by breaking up? Should I let it go because it hurts so much, because I'm not sure whether I should be willing to fight......dammit...I JUST DON'T KNOW!!!!! Why can't shit just be easy for ONCE!!!!! What do I do???
On other news.....I'm into my 3rd day of not smoking.....and I don't have any cravings thus far-all I wanna do is cry!!!!
Wednesday, 27 June 2007
The Who's, What's, Where's, When's & Why's
Ok, so I came across Monie's blog and began reading....and as I was reading, I was informed that I had been tagged (who whooo for the 1st time!!) So here goes....
THE WHO'S
Who is in the house with you? I'm actually at work, wishing I was at home!! At home : my mum & siblings, here at work 3 other mofo's.
Who are you thinking about now? Well now ya mention it...Mr Man (dammit!)
Who did you last talk to on the phone? My mum-to tell her the car people were coming to take my old piece of junk!
Whose house did you last go to? My older sister's
Whose birthday is next? My older sis
Who was the last person you had dinner with? As in went out to dinner? My girlies
Who do you hope will take this survey? Everyone who's reading....
THE WHAT'S
What was the last thing you ate? Choc chip cookies dipped in tea
What was the last thing you drank? a Cuppa tea
What color pants are you wearing? Blue jeans.
What is the first thing you think when you wake up? It's not that time already....is it?
What is the closest item near you that is blue? Other than my jeans, my desk tidy (with loadsa blue pens)
What are you wearing on your feet? Black Nike trainers.
What instant messaging service do you use? MSN
What is your favorite color? Blue & Black
What is your most used away message? I'm never away dammit!! I want it to be : I'm on holiday for the next 365 days...if you're contacted me about work shit-tell someone else cos I'm NOT interested... (or something like that! lol)
What is your favorite website? Blogger of course!
What's your favorite shoe brand? Hardly wear shoes but trainer it has to be Nike
What song do you currently hear? None before this question. Now it's 'tek weh yuself' by Mr Vegas (Da tune deh sick-it sick badd!)
THE WHERE'S
Where do you live? South London, UK
Where is your phone? On my desk
Where do you sleep? In my bed.....(where else?)
Where did you get the shirt you're wearing? Primark Babeee
THE WHEN'S
When is your birthday? Novemeber 25
When did you last burn a candle? Last night funnily enough (I usually only light candles once a year for my boy A)
When did you wake up? 7.10 this morning
When did you do laundry last? yesterday
THE WHY'S
Why does basically half the world have a MySpace or Blog? Cos you're not heavy unless you do....and everyone wants to be heavy...right?
Why did you take this particular survey? Cos I was being nosey on someone else blog & was told to do it.....besides it's fun(she says)
Why are you in love? Because my heart doesn't do what my damn head tells it to (stooopid heart!!)
THE WHO'S
Who is in the house with you? I'm actually at work, wishing I was at home!! At home : my mum & siblings, here at work 3 other mofo's.
Who are you thinking about now? Well now ya mention it...Mr Man (dammit!)
Who did you last talk to on the phone? My mum-to tell her the car people were coming to take my old piece of junk!
Whose house did you last go to? My older sister's
Whose birthday is next? My older sis
Who was the last person you had dinner with? As in went out to dinner? My girlies
Who do you hope will take this survey? Everyone who's reading....
THE WHAT'S
What was the last thing you ate? Choc chip cookies dipped in tea
What was the last thing you drank? a Cuppa tea
What color pants are you wearing? Blue jeans.
What is the first thing you think when you wake up? It's not that time already....is it?
What is the closest item near you that is blue? Other than my jeans, my desk tidy (with loadsa blue pens)
What are you wearing on your feet? Black Nike trainers.
What instant messaging service do you use? MSN
What is your favorite color? Blue & Black
What is your most used away message? I'm never away dammit!! I want it to be : I'm on holiday for the next 365 days...if you're contacted me about work shit-tell someone else cos I'm NOT interested... (or something like that! lol)
What is your favorite website? Blogger of course!
What's your favorite shoe brand? Hardly wear shoes but trainer it has to be Nike
What song do you currently hear? None before this question. Now it's 'tek weh yuself' by Mr Vegas (Da tune deh sick-it sick badd!)
THE WHERE'S
Where do you live? South London, UK
Where is your phone? On my desk
Where do you sleep? In my bed.....(where else?)
Where did you get the shirt you're wearing? Primark Babeee
THE WHEN'S
When is your birthday? Novemeber 25
When did you last burn a candle? Last night funnily enough (I usually only light candles once a year for my boy A)
When did you wake up? 7.10 this morning
When did you do laundry last? yesterday
THE WHY'S
Why does basically half the world have a MySpace or Blog? Cos you're not heavy unless you do....and everyone wants to be heavy...right?
Why did you take this particular survey? Cos I was being nosey on someone else blog & was told to do it.....besides it's fun(she says)
Why are you in love? Because my heart doesn't do what my damn head tells it to (stooopid heart!!)
Still Not Smoking....
Ok, so this is the start of the full 2nd day of no smoking, and so far it's going pretty well (I use this term VERY loosely). I was talking with my friend outside work this morning, and she was smoking-so I told her that I'd have to talk to here later, cos I was very tempted to get a cigarette off her! But I'mma put my willpower to good use, and resist!
Last night, my mum decides she's going out....I'm in bed by this point. About 2 hours later, my little sister (who just turned 3) comes wondering into my room, half asleep moaning for my mum. I was like, she's not here-and then put her in my bed. That, my dear friends was the biggest mistake of the night! Lemme take you back real quick about 2 years ago, I used to share a house. I had to leave my then employment as it was a temporary job, and the contract was up. This came about 3 months before I was due to go to Cuba...so after much discussion with my mum, it was decided that I'd move back home, until after my holiday, and I'd then move again. Cos I'd been out of the family home for so long, I lost all rights to my own room! Now 2 years later, I'm still at home, sharing a room, and sleeping on a single bed...
So my sister's now in my bed....and as I've mentioned it's a single bed. Now on the weekends, I don't mind her kipping in with me, but NOT when I've got work the next day!!!! This girl had her feet all up in my head, I was hanging off the bed at many points during the night....I barely slept! And then she had the CHEEK to wake up at 5.30 talking bout she wants tea. I just told her to go downstairs and ask her mum star! A wha yu tek dis ting fa? She's a joker-I swear down.....she's had a good sleep, and now wants me to interrupt my already broken sleep to go downstairs throughout the cold house (cos it's June, and no it's not meant to be summer cos this is England after all!) to make tea! Get outta here!! She promptly fell asleep after that, and didn't wake up until I did an hour and a half later...
Speaking of crusty weather, there's been FLOODING in parts of England. 4 people have DIED..I mean, what kinda crap is that? Technically it's summer, so there should be some sun...ha-fat chance! Rain, rain and more rain. Thankfully though, London isn't flooding, but fuck me if it isn't depressing as hell!! I've already decided that I wasn't made for England- I need to be in warmer climates-I'm just built like that, so I know I'm not retiring in the United of Kingdom.....!
Two of my girlies came back from holiday yesterday. They went to Malia, and from what I'm hearing it was nothing hype! Pure heads from around the way were there...fights everyday, and on the Monday one boy got glassed in the face, and another got stabbed...but the highlight of the holiday was chilling with Heartless Crew-they're a sound/crew....they were really big back in the day, but you don't really hear much of them these days, but they're sick nonetheless....old skool garage was the shit!!!!!
On other news- I broke it off with Mr Man. The post that I had a few days ago (Rambling, Ranting, Raving.)(dunno how to get it as a link) where I had all those questions & Black Southern Girl said maybe I should let it go....and since then I'd been thinking alot about the situation....and it was yesterday that I realised that I wasn't happy with the way things were. So I text him telling him that I wasn't happy, and that our situation wasn't working....Haven't heard back from him, but then there's that possibility that he didn't get it....and besides I guess breaking up over text is a punk ass thing to do right..? So I'm gonna call him tonight, and tell him, but be strong, cos it's hearing his voice that makes me forget I was mad & shit....I hate to do this, but to be honest I hate the feeling that my life is just dangling mid air-like I can't move forward cos everythings so unsure....I mean, how do you break up with someone???? I swear I chose the wrong time to quit!
I need a cigarette!! Just drank a cuppa tea (cos I'm a Brit of course), and usually following a cuppa, is a cigarette....but not today....cos I'm quitting.....*going to kick rocks* (Thanks C.I lol)
Last night, my mum decides she's going out....I'm in bed by this point. About 2 hours later, my little sister (who just turned 3) comes wondering into my room, half asleep moaning for my mum. I was like, she's not here-and then put her in my bed. That, my dear friends was the biggest mistake of the night! Lemme take you back real quick about 2 years ago, I used to share a house. I had to leave my then employment as it was a temporary job, and the contract was up. This came about 3 months before I was due to go to Cuba...so after much discussion with my mum, it was decided that I'd move back home, until after my holiday, and I'd then move again. Cos I'd been out of the family home for so long, I lost all rights to my own room! Now 2 years later, I'm still at home, sharing a room, and sleeping on a single bed...
So my sister's now in my bed....and as I've mentioned it's a single bed. Now on the weekends, I don't mind her kipping in with me, but NOT when I've got work the next day!!!! This girl had her feet all up in my head, I was hanging off the bed at many points during the night....I barely slept! And then she had the CHEEK to wake up at 5.30 talking bout she wants tea. I just told her to go downstairs and ask her mum star! A wha yu tek dis ting fa? She's a joker-I swear down.....she's had a good sleep, and now wants me to interrupt my already broken sleep to go downstairs throughout the cold house (cos it's June, and no it's not meant to be summer cos this is England after all!) to make tea! Get outta here!! She promptly fell asleep after that, and didn't wake up until I did an hour and a half later...
Speaking of crusty weather, there's been FLOODING in parts of England. 4 people have DIED..I mean, what kinda crap is that? Technically it's summer, so there should be some sun...ha-fat chance! Rain, rain and more rain. Thankfully though, London isn't flooding, but fuck me if it isn't depressing as hell!! I've already decided that I wasn't made for England- I need to be in warmer climates-I'm just built like that, so I know I'm not retiring in the United of Kingdom.....!
Two of my girlies came back from holiday yesterday. They went to Malia, and from what I'm hearing it was nothing hype! Pure heads from around the way were there...fights everyday, and on the Monday one boy got glassed in the face, and another got stabbed...but the highlight of the holiday was chilling with Heartless Crew-they're a sound/crew....they were really big back in the day, but you don't really hear much of them these days, but they're sick nonetheless....old skool garage was the shit!!!!!
On other news- I broke it off with Mr Man. The post that I had a few days ago (Rambling, Ranting, Raving.)(dunno how to get it as a link) where I had all those questions & Black Southern Girl said maybe I should let it go....and since then I'd been thinking alot about the situation....and it was yesterday that I realised that I wasn't happy with the way things were. So I text him telling him that I wasn't happy, and that our situation wasn't working....Haven't heard back from him, but then there's that possibility that he didn't get it....and besides I guess breaking up over text is a punk ass thing to do right..? So I'm gonna call him tonight, and tell him, but be strong, cos it's hearing his voice that makes me forget I was mad & shit....I hate to do this, but to be honest I hate the feeling that my life is just dangling mid air-like I can't move forward cos everythings so unsure....I mean, how do you break up with someone???? I swear I chose the wrong time to quit!
I need a cigarette!! Just drank a cuppa tea (cos I'm a Brit of course), and usually following a cuppa, is a cigarette....but not today....cos I'm quitting.....*going to kick rocks* (Thanks C.I lol)
Tuesday, 26 June 2007
Hangover & Random Ish
I think I have a hangover!! My mum made Guiness Punch that was TOO good, and I only had 2 cups I swear...but I'm such a lightweight! I was dead to the world-didn't hear the alarm this morning, and was very nearly late for work! Woke up to a banging headache, and an ill feeling stomach, but it was worth it-that punch was too good!!
Can I just take this time to say I have blog friends! Ok, lemme rephrase, I have comments on MY blog! How great is that!! As you can tell, the smallest things make me happy lol!! It's interesting to know that someone has read what I've said & commented on it! I'm so happy! lol!! I know, I need to get out more! But hellooooo to everyone reading! Ok, I'm done now!
As I always seem to be when I blog, I'm at work, and yep-avoiding doing work. All now I don't know why I can't get paid to just do nothing! It's not like I love the job or anything! But yep, as I'm not getting paid to do nothing, I've actually gotta go do something-can't afford to be jobless....I'm tryna be outta my mum's house by August (erm....yea....not looking hopeful, but she don't know that), and I'm looking for flats & ting, but I'm not looking tooooo hard, cos I won't have any cash money till August, and if I find a flat that's gone by the time I ready to move in I'll be hella pissed! I've also gotta try and save some money to get onto this Music engineering course. I'm hoping to get into it by December, but to be honest I doubt it-so January is what I'm REALLY aiming for. Shoot, I need a 2nd job-fuck knows how I'mma do it all, but I'm thinking if I get the 2nd job just til January, and then everything'll be alright....that's the plan anyways.
So this is the 1st actual day of trying this non smoking thing. And of course, all I can think about and all I want is a bloody cigarette! Ain't that a bitch? As soon as I tell myself I'm gonna quit, all I wanna do is smoke! Fuck!!!! Now as I think more about this, I'm working myself into a mood-so I'mma stop now!! I'm gonna put a 'don't even ask how it's going' sticker on my wall chart, cos now I'm just mad!!!
Saw on GMTV this morning, that that Paris Hilton one is coming out of jail. Whooptee-fuckingdoo....I mean, who really cares about that chick? And haha-who actually thought she'd do her full jail sentence!!! Nope-me either!! She's not getting any more air time on this here blog, so that's the enda that!!
Well, I'm gonna do some work, and NOT think about smoking..........................................................................................................................................................see how easy it is! :( (NOT!!!)....I soon come back....
Can I just take this time to say I have blog friends! Ok, lemme rephrase, I have comments on MY blog! How great is that!! As you can tell, the smallest things make me happy lol!! It's interesting to know that someone has read what I've said & commented on it! I'm so happy! lol!! I know, I need to get out more! But hellooooo to everyone reading! Ok, I'm done now!
As I always seem to be when I blog, I'm at work, and yep-avoiding doing work. All now I don't know why I can't get paid to just do nothing! It's not like I love the job or anything! But yep, as I'm not getting paid to do nothing, I've actually gotta go do something-can't afford to be jobless....I'm tryna be outta my mum's house by August (erm....yea....not looking hopeful, but she don't know that), and I'm looking for flats & ting, but I'm not looking tooooo hard, cos I won't have any cash money till August, and if I find a flat that's gone by the time I ready to move in I'll be hella pissed! I've also gotta try and save some money to get onto this Music engineering course. I'm hoping to get into it by December, but to be honest I doubt it-so January is what I'm REALLY aiming for. Shoot, I need a 2nd job-fuck knows how I'mma do it all, but I'm thinking if I get the 2nd job just til January, and then everything'll be alright....that's the plan anyways.
So this is the 1st actual day of trying this non smoking thing. And of course, all I can think about and all I want is a bloody cigarette! Ain't that a bitch? As soon as I tell myself I'm gonna quit, all I wanna do is smoke! Fuck!!!! Now as I think more about this, I'm working myself into a mood-so I'mma stop now!! I'm gonna put a 'don't even ask how it's going' sticker on my wall chart, cos now I'm just mad!!!
Saw on GMTV this morning, that that Paris Hilton one is coming out of jail. Whooptee-fuckingdoo....I mean, who really cares about that chick? And haha-who actually thought she'd do her full jail sentence!!! Nope-me either!! She's not getting any more air time on this here blog, so that's the enda that!!
Well, I'm gonna do some work, and NOT think about smoking..........................................................................................................................................................see how easy it is! :( (NOT!!!)....I soon come back....
Monday, 25 June 2007
Monday....
Right now, I'm at work and I've hardly done any work-been too busy reading the blogs of the wonderful people out there in Blogland. It's interesting to see the things that other people go through that makes you think ' I know what you mean', or as I've found today, have been able to get some inspiration.
Today, my friend's new born bubby is having a heart op. He was born on Friday, and was transferred straight to Great Ormond Street hospital, where he's been ever since. I'm praying hard for the little mite's full speedy recovery. It's a hard time for my friend and her husband...and to some extent I know how they feel. My nephew had to have a heart operation when he was a few months old. But unlike little Yasin (that my friend's bubby), the doctors didn't operate straight away. They were aware of his heart condition, but when he had his check up, they told my sister that the problem had rectified itself-but of course that was not the case. He's 9 now, and fighting fit, though he has to have checkups often....but it's a very stressful and scary time, when the doctors are telling you the extend of the problem....I'll be praying for them.
I watched bits and pieces of 'The Last Days of Left Eye', that came on VH1 yesterday. I had read bits of this on other blogs & sites, but watching what I watched of it, I saw Lisa in a different light. I know people have said the same, but the wierdest thing is I can't explain it. It was nuts seeing the footage just before that fatal accident. I mean I'm watching it, thinking, shit in a couple minutes you're gonna be dead-and you don't even know it. And then when the car started going out of control and every one was like 'oh shit oh shit' but my body just went cold. I got the vibe though, that Lisa knew she was gonna die....I could be wrong, but that's what I got from the parts that I saw-I need to sit and watch it proper-whenever it comes back around...
The phones are blowing off the hook, and it's annoying the crap outta me-I know I'm at work and it's my job and all, but goodness-can't I get a minutes piece? Goodness!!!
I've decided to quit smoking-for real this time. This in in anticipation of July 1st, where it'll be illegal to smoke practically everywhere! It sucks, but I guess not getting a £50 fine is enough motivation to get me on track! I smoked my last 2 cigarettes this morning whilst stuck in traffic, and swiped another one from my friend at lunch time, and my chest is not happy right now! I guess I'm being reminded that I have asthma!! but from tomorrow I'm getting serious! I've got my little wall chart to monitor how I go each day-fingers crossed! The longest I've quit for was 3 months...but then my aunt died, and my god brother got stabbed, and I needed a coping mechanism-but this time I'm determined to get it right....no relapsing! I'm gonna be in some shitty moods bwoy!!!
It turns out that my friend's cousin who got killed last week was only trying to break up a fight. She wasn't involved in the beef at all-she was defending her pregnant friend or something like that. Fighting over man apparently. The girl that stabbed her is being charged with murder-was only 18 herself! So that's her life up the pisser too! I mean, what MAN is really worth you spending years in prison, what man is so important that you're gonna take someone else's live-cos lets be real, if you're coming to a fight with a knife you're intending to do some damage to someone -I lie?? Furthermore, what man is worth fighting over? Nah fuck that...if he's wanting someone else, 'mek 'im gwarn'! As it's said by the dancehall artist Spice ' me's a gal me nuh fight ova man!'...and that's the truth!! The girl's family are so broken by this (understandably), and it's hard to say whether they can take comfort in knowing that she died defending someone, breaking up a fight that had nothing to do with her and that she wasn't into the whole hype of beefing for stupidness!! From what I've read of the tributes from those that did know her, she was a sweet girl, who loved life, family & friends-she was always smiling, and was ambitious. She had her whole life ahead of her, and it's been cut short doing what she always did-look out for people. So right now, before I leave, I just wanna say Rest In Eternal Peace Sian Simpson. God needed another Angel, so be safe under God's wing, and watch over your family and friends.
Today, my friend's new born bubby is having a heart op. He was born on Friday, and was transferred straight to Great Ormond Street hospital, where he's been ever since. I'm praying hard for the little mite's full speedy recovery. It's a hard time for my friend and her husband...and to some extent I know how they feel. My nephew had to have a heart operation when he was a few months old. But unlike little Yasin (that my friend's bubby), the doctors didn't operate straight away. They were aware of his heart condition, but when he had his check up, they told my sister that the problem had rectified itself-but of course that was not the case. He's 9 now, and fighting fit, though he has to have checkups often....but it's a very stressful and scary time, when the doctors are telling you the extend of the problem....I'll be praying for them.
I watched bits and pieces of 'The Last Days of Left Eye', that came on VH1 yesterday. I had read bits of this on other blogs & sites, but watching what I watched of it, I saw Lisa in a different light. I know people have said the same, but the wierdest thing is I can't explain it. It was nuts seeing the footage just before that fatal accident. I mean I'm watching it, thinking, shit in a couple minutes you're gonna be dead-and you don't even know it. And then when the car started going out of control and every one was like 'oh shit oh shit' but my body just went cold. I got the vibe though, that Lisa knew she was gonna die....I could be wrong, but that's what I got from the parts that I saw-I need to sit and watch it proper-whenever it comes back around...
The phones are blowing off the hook, and it's annoying the crap outta me-I know I'm at work and it's my job and all, but goodness-can't I get a minutes piece? Goodness!!!
I've decided to quit smoking-for real this time. This in in anticipation of July 1st, where it'll be illegal to smoke practically everywhere! It sucks, but I guess not getting a £50 fine is enough motivation to get me on track! I smoked my last 2 cigarettes this morning whilst stuck in traffic, and swiped another one from my friend at lunch time, and my chest is not happy right now! I guess I'm being reminded that I have asthma!! but from tomorrow I'm getting serious! I've got my little wall chart to monitor how I go each day-fingers crossed! The longest I've quit for was 3 months...but then my aunt died, and my god brother got stabbed, and I needed a coping mechanism-but this time I'm determined to get it right....no relapsing! I'm gonna be in some shitty moods bwoy!!!
It turns out that my friend's cousin who got killed last week was only trying to break up a fight. She wasn't involved in the beef at all-she was defending her pregnant friend or something like that. Fighting over man apparently. The girl that stabbed her is being charged with murder-was only 18 herself! So that's her life up the pisser too! I mean, what MAN is really worth you spending years in prison, what man is so important that you're gonna take someone else's live-cos lets be real, if you're coming to a fight with a knife you're intending to do some damage to someone -I lie?? Furthermore, what man is worth fighting over? Nah fuck that...if he's wanting someone else, 'mek 'im gwarn'! As it's said by the dancehall artist Spice ' me's a gal me nuh fight ova man!'...and that's the truth!! The girl's family are so broken by this (understandably), and it's hard to say whether they can take comfort in knowing that she died defending someone, breaking up a fight that had nothing to do with her and that she wasn't into the whole hype of beefing for stupidness!! From what I've read of the tributes from those that did know her, she was a sweet girl, who loved life, family & friends-she was always smiling, and was ambitious. She had her whole life ahead of her, and it's been cut short doing what she always did-look out for people. So right now, before I leave, I just wanna say Rest In Eternal Peace Sian Simpson. God needed another Angel, so be safe under God's wing, and watch over your family and friends.
Saturday, 23 June 2007
Dear Father
It's taken many attempts to finally complete this letter. See, I've been thinking alot recently about you, about the hurt and pain I feel in my heart when I think of you and our non-existent relationship, and it's now, I've decided that I no longer want to feel this way & that I can actually take steps to fully rid myself of these feelings. Writing this letter is a small step. I've finally accepted the fact that we will never have a relationship, so I'm now working towards a happier me.
Back in the day, you used to take me to stay at your house every wekend. I remember when I was around 4 or 5, and I used to love running up and down the street outside your house-Granny has the picture still-I look at it with warmth in my heart. I remember when you bought me my 1st 2 wheeled bike. Looking back, it was so far from being a girlie bike - guess even then I was 'tom-boyish'-but I was your little princess (who hated dresses). My bike had the coolest gadgets on-and made the weirdest noises-I remember my sister & brother were jealous cos I had the baddest bike on the estate. When you gave me the bike, I gave you a hug and a kiss-I think that's the only hug & kiss I ever gave/had from you.
Shortly after my 6th birthday, your wife had a baby. The new arrival didn't phase me. I was used to having to share the attention-I knew that it didn't matter, cos I was still the no dress wearing princess.
As time went on, you would still pick me up from my house-but instead of going to your house, you would drop me off to Granny's house. I didn't mind though cos I loved being there. I loved my granny & aunty like they were my mum, and loved & climbed all over Gramps like he was you. By this point, I would only see you on Friday & Sunday when you would pick me up and take me back home.
Slowly, we stopped being the dynamic duo we once were-it was just me...and you. I only came to your house when I asked to-it was like you stopped wanting me to. I guess I realised the difference in you-so I didn't ask to be at your house very often. I guess cos you had another princess-one who would wear dresses you didn't need me anymore.
As I grew older, I saw you even less. Granny would come for me on Fridays and I'd stay there all weekend. And even though you only lived around the corner, I rarely saw you.
As I turned into a teen, me and mum would argue often. I was so unhappy at home-you knew this, and not once did you ever ask me how I was coping or offer for me to stay with you. I felt so alone, I contemplated suicide-my friends managed to convince me that my life was worth living.
Once, I asked to stay at your house for the week. You let me. It was during this week that I had my 1st asthma attack-at school, and I got taken to hospital. They tried to call you-but couldn't get hold of you, Mum met met me at the hospital, and hours later you took me back to your house. I was upset that you wasn't there, but I didn't show it. You told me that I could stay off from school the next day-but I'd be home with your wife-I'd rather be at school! You see, ever since your daughter was born, your wife became the typical 'wicked step-mother'. When you were about she was nice as pie, but as soon as you were gone she was a complete bitch. And that time she sat opposite me on the bus that day and totally ignored me-and she denied it, and you believed her over me, that really hurt. Cos she really did act like she didn't know me-but you defended her-and called me a liar.
Remember the diary I had that Mum found and read all the horrible stuff I used to write about her? When she found it, she was so mad at me. She told me I was hating the wrong person. That you didn't want me-you wanted her to abort me. Those words cut like a knife. I honestly felt like the world as I knew it had crumbled. Slowly things started to make sense. You changed towards me when your daughter came about-the child you really wanted. I was the one you didn't want. The one you wished was never born. Mum gave Granny my diary. You read it, and told me that you loved me and your daughter the same-that you'd make more of an effort with me. But you didn't. That was the 1st and last time I ever heard you use the word love in the same sentence when referring to me.
When I left school, I went to live with Aunty. You helped me move my stuff-but I never saw you much after that. I carried on with my life, but the unresolved issue of being unwanted never went away. You never reassured me that I really was what you wanted. You were always the perfect dad in public, but in reality you never were. You never had time for me.
When I got my GCSE grades-ones that I was very proud of, you shut me down. Told me that I could have done better. I had the grades to do the highest level of the course that I applied for-but that didn't matter to you. I was a failure in your eyes. When your daughter got her results 2 years later, you called me to tell me how proud of her you were. I'd just completed my course at this point. Got a Merit grade-the equivalent to 2 A-Levels, but you didn't tell me how proud you were of me. This confirmed that I couldn't do anything to please you-to make you proud of me. All I wanted was for you to be proud of what I'd accomplished-for you to see that my mum keeping me was a good decision,cos you'd have a daughter you was proud to have.
I moved out on my own. Lived in 3 different flats since-and never one did you come and see where I was living. Never did you show an interest. For all you knew, I could have been sleeping in a shit hole, and you'd be none the wiser. I paid my way through drivin lessons-failed 3 times and never did you offer words of encouragement to keep trying. When I passed, you yapped on about how happy you were. I've got a new car-but you have taken no interest in knowing what it is-or even if it's a piece of junk!
Last year, me and my girls had planned a really nice day out. It was summer, and the weather was nice. We were heading to the park for a picnic, and to chill. On the way there, I had a wierd feeing that I couldn't shake. I can't describe it, but I didn't like the feeling I had. Then my phone rings-and it was you:
'Hi Dad'
'Hi Stranger'
'Wow'
'What?'
'I'm just shocked-I haven't heard from you in ages'
'Well you haven't called me! I'm the dad'
And it was here I totally lost it. I told you of all the hurt and pain I'd had stored in my heart for all of these years, and how it had affected me. You apologised, said you'd do better, and you'd call me another time. I was angry at myself for allowing you to get me so angry & upset. A few weeks later, I find out that you were going into the church, and you calling me was your way of 'wipng the slate clean' So that right there, you calling me on that day showed me that it wasn't for me-or for us, but was for you. And whist you were an elder in the church-being the 'great' christian, I was left picking up the pieces to the world that went crazy with the emotions that you opened up. I had told myself years before that I didn't need you in my life, but when you told me you'd make the effort somewhere within me hoped you'd stay true to your word and be there for me. Hang out with me-talk with me. But of course those were just words to satisfy you. How dumb was I for thinking you'd really want to be in my life?
I've seen that you are who you are. I see you can't love me the way a father should love his child. I've accepted the fact that you will never be my 'dad', always the man who's sperm helped to make me. A father by name sake.
I've realised that carrying all this pain in my heart does nothing but hurt me. It has stopped me from moving forward. And even as I write this letter with tears in my eyes I now know that I deserve love and that these tears that fall down my cheeks are no longer ones of sadness, but are tears of determination and courage. I refuse to allow you to hurt me. I will strive to be the best that I can be, to be proud of me, and most importantly to love me. I will find the happiness that I deserve, have the man who'll love me for me & whom I can love without measuring his faults up to yours. I'll have my family & be damn sure that my child will not suffer the way I have.
So you can continue to live your life with your family. I hope you are happy. I for one, am getting to a happy place-one where I can love wholeheartedly, and not punish others (men in particular) for what I feel are your wrongdoings.
Sincerely
Tom_Gurl
Back in the day, you used to take me to stay at your house every wekend. I remember when I was around 4 or 5, and I used to love running up and down the street outside your house-Granny has the picture still-I look at it with warmth in my heart. I remember when you bought me my 1st 2 wheeled bike. Looking back, it was so far from being a girlie bike - guess even then I was 'tom-boyish'-but I was your little princess (who hated dresses). My bike had the coolest gadgets on-and made the weirdest noises-I remember my sister & brother were jealous cos I had the baddest bike on the estate. When you gave me the bike, I gave you a hug and a kiss-I think that's the only hug & kiss I ever gave/had from you.
Shortly after my 6th birthday, your wife had a baby. The new arrival didn't phase me. I was used to having to share the attention-I knew that it didn't matter, cos I was still the no dress wearing princess.
As time went on, you would still pick me up from my house-but instead of going to your house, you would drop me off to Granny's house. I didn't mind though cos I loved being there. I loved my granny & aunty like they were my mum, and loved & climbed all over Gramps like he was you. By this point, I would only see you on Friday & Sunday when you would pick me up and take me back home.
Slowly, we stopped being the dynamic duo we once were-it was just me...and you. I only came to your house when I asked to-it was like you stopped wanting me to. I guess I realised the difference in you-so I didn't ask to be at your house very often. I guess cos you had another princess-one who would wear dresses you didn't need me anymore.
As I grew older, I saw you even less. Granny would come for me on Fridays and I'd stay there all weekend. And even though you only lived around the corner, I rarely saw you.
As I turned into a teen, me and mum would argue often. I was so unhappy at home-you knew this, and not once did you ever ask me how I was coping or offer for me to stay with you. I felt so alone, I contemplated suicide-my friends managed to convince me that my life was worth living.
Once, I asked to stay at your house for the week. You let me. It was during this week that I had my 1st asthma attack-at school, and I got taken to hospital. They tried to call you-but couldn't get hold of you, Mum met met me at the hospital, and hours later you took me back to your house. I was upset that you wasn't there, but I didn't show it. You told me that I could stay off from school the next day-but I'd be home with your wife-I'd rather be at school! You see, ever since your daughter was born, your wife became the typical 'wicked step-mother'. When you were about she was nice as pie, but as soon as you were gone she was a complete bitch. And that time she sat opposite me on the bus that day and totally ignored me-and she denied it, and you believed her over me, that really hurt. Cos she really did act like she didn't know me-but you defended her-and called me a liar.
Remember the diary I had that Mum found and read all the horrible stuff I used to write about her? When she found it, she was so mad at me. She told me I was hating the wrong person. That you didn't want me-you wanted her to abort me. Those words cut like a knife. I honestly felt like the world as I knew it had crumbled. Slowly things started to make sense. You changed towards me when your daughter came about-the child you really wanted. I was the one you didn't want. The one you wished was never born. Mum gave Granny my diary. You read it, and told me that you loved me and your daughter the same-that you'd make more of an effort with me. But you didn't. That was the 1st and last time I ever heard you use the word love in the same sentence when referring to me.
When I left school, I went to live with Aunty. You helped me move my stuff-but I never saw you much after that. I carried on with my life, but the unresolved issue of being unwanted never went away. You never reassured me that I really was what you wanted. You were always the perfect dad in public, but in reality you never were. You never had time for me.
When I got my GCSE grades-ones that I was very proud of, you shut me down. Told me that I could have done better. I had the grades to do the highest level of the course that I applied for-but that didn't matter to you. I was a failure in your eyes. When your daughter got her results 2 years later, you called me to tell me how proud of her you were. I'd just completed my course at this point. Got a Merit grade-the equivalent to 2 A-Levels, but you didn't tell me how proud you were of me. This confirmed that I couldn't do anything to please you-to make you proud of me. All I wanted was for you to be proud of what I'd accomplished-for you to see that my mum keeping me was a good decision,cos you'd have a daughter you was proud to have.
I moved out on my own. Lived in 3 different flats since-and never one did you come and see where I was living. Never did you show an interest. For all you knew, I could have been sleeping in a shit hole, and you'd be none the wiser. I paid my way through drivin lessons-failed 3 times and never did you offer words of encouragement to keep trying. When I passed, you yapped on about how happy you were. I've got a new car-but you have taken no interest in knowing what it is-or even if it's a piece of junk!
Last year, me and my girls had planned a really nice day out. It was summer, and the weather was nice. We were heading to the park for a picnic, and to chill. On the way there, I had a wierd feeing that I couldn't shake. I can't describe it, but I didn't like the feeling I had. Then my phone rings-and it was you:
'Hi Dad'
'Hi Stranger'
'Wow'
'What?'
'I'm just shocked-I haven't heard from you in ages'
'Well you haven't called me! I'm the dad'
And it was here I totally lost it. I told you of all the hurt and pain I'd had stored in my heart for all of these years, and how it had affected me. You apologised, said you'd do better, and you'd call me another time. I was angry at myself for allowing you to get me so angry & upset. A few weeks later, I find out that you were going into the church, and you calling me was your way of 'wipng the slate clean' So that right there, you calling me on that day showed me that it wasn't for me-or for us, but was for you. And whist you were an elder in the church-being the 'great' christian, I was left picking up the pieces to the world that went crazy with the emotions that you opened up. I had told myself years before that I didn't need you in my life, but when you told me you'd make the effort somewhere within me hoped you'd stay true to your word and be there for me. Hang out with me-talk with me. But of course those were just words to satisfy you. How dumb was I for thinking you'd really want to be in my life?
I've seen that you are who you are. I see you can't love me the way a father should love his child. I've accepted the fact that you will never be my 'dad', always the man who's sperm helped to make me. A father by name sake.
I've realised that carrying all this pain in my heart does nothing but hurt me. It has stopped me from moving forward. And even as I write this letter with tears in my eyes I now know that I deserve love and that these tears that fall down my cheeks are no longer ones of sadness, but are tears of determination and courage. I refuse to allow you to hurt me. I will strive to be the best that I can be, to be proud of me, and most importantly to love me. I will find the happiness that I deserve, have the man who'll love me for me & whom I can love without measuring his faults up to yours. I'll have my family & be damn sure that my child will not suffer the way I have.
So you can continue to live your life with your family. I hope you are happy. I for one, am getting to a happy place-one where I can love wholeheartedly, and not punish others (men in particular) for what I feel are your wrongdoings.
Sincerely
Tom_Gurl
Bored!
I had big plans today, to sleep in. No such luck! Was up at like 10am-which is early to me on weekends!! Yesterday I hoovered out my car, so this morning, I figured, as it's a nice enough morning, and the inside of my car is spanking, lemme wash it. So I washed my car. I polish it all up. Go inside, to start my ironing-wouldya know? It's starts raining! And it's not any little drizzling rain, it's big muthafucking downpour! Ain't that a bitch?
Went out on the road-I just needed a quick cigarette (my fam don't officially know that I smoke-well they do, but I've never told em, and they've never seen me). Go to the ATM-pissed cos I have no money till payday. Need petrol-doubt what I have will last me til Friday-but I'mma try and stretch it none the less. Came home, my nephews were at my house. Me and my sister had a quick talk. Seems my mum's talking about going to Jamaica at some point this year-but she's not taking the kids...erm-who's looking after them then? When my mum went in May of last year she only took the youngest-it wasn't actually a holiday-my aunt had died, and she was going to the funeral. However, the year before, when my lil sis was a bubby, I had to watch the kids (minus the bubby, cos she went too). Now this time round I'm saying if she's going away, she needs to take them kids with her. She's making plans, and not incorporating them bad ass kids, and then will be expecting me to just go along with her plan, and be 'mummy' for however long she decides to go away. Nah-it's not happening!! My mum always makes me feel like I can't say no to things that she asks me to do, but most definitely, in this situation, I won't be babysitting!!
Bit of rambling there...I'm just bored out of my head right now. I ain't got nothing interesting to do, and no where to go. My sis invited me to a bar that she's going to tonight for her friend's birthday, but I'm not sure-I don't even feel like raving anywhere tonight and I'm definitely not in the mood for raving in Brixton!
Ah-well I'm gonna go wondering aimlessly about the internet, and try and occupy my mind!
Went out on the road-I just needed a quick cigarette (my fam don't officially know that I smoke-well they do, but I've never told em, and they've never seen me). Go to the ATM-pissed cos I have no money till payday. Need petrol-doubt what I have will last me til Friday-but I'mma try and stretch it none the less. Came home, my nephews were at my house. Me and my sister had a quick talk. Seems my mum's talking about going to Jamaica at some point this year-but she's not taking the kids...erm-who's looking after them then? When my mum went in May of last year she only took the youngest-it wasn't actually a holiday-my aunt had died, and she was going to the funeral. However, the year before, when my lil sis was a bubby, I had to watch the kids (minus the bubby, cos she went too). Now this time round I'm saying if she's going away, she needs to take them kids with her. She's making plans, and not incorporating them bad ass kids, and then will be expecting me to just go along with her plan, and be 'mummy' for however long she decides to go away. Nah-it's not happening!! My mum always makes me feel like I can't say no to things that she asks me to do, but most definitely, in this situation, I won't be babysitting!!
Bit of rambling there...I'm just bored out of my head right now. I ain't got nothing interesting to do, and no where to go. My sis invited me to a bar that she's going to tonight for her friend's birthday, but I'm not sure-I don't even feel like raving anywhere tonight and I'm definitely not in the mood for raving in Brixton!
Ah-well I'm gonna go wondering aimlessly about the internet, and try and occupy my mind!
Friday, 22 June 2007
Rambling, Ranting, Raving.
Ok, so I've only just finished typing that last post, but as I've thought about everything concerning my brother, my brain is now flooded with thoughts. As I sit here at my desk (not working), I'm feeling sad. Depressed almost...most definately deflated. Of late, there's been so many deaths, heartache and sadness. And I know they say that life is hard, and that God never gives you more than you can handle, but damn, it feels like I'm bout to break. I mean, like right now, my eyes are filling up, and my heart hurts, and I'm bout ready to cry...why? My friend's mum died, my friend's cousin got killed, lil Keiton Knight lost his fight for cancer aged 8, my aunt's friends parents died-withing 3 months of each other....I mean I really could go on. Sometimes I think I wanna know when my time is up. I have so much I want to do with my life, and though I'm trying to accomplish as much as I can do before my time is up, right now it feels like everytime I take a 3 steps forward, I end up taking 4 steps back. Maybe ignorance really is bliss....Why would I want to know how long i have left? I dunno, just typing this I'm getting frustrated cos I'm not making sense. My mind is so full of thoughts, and I'm feeling all these feelings, and it's like, when are things gonna start making sense? When's this thing gonna start going my way for a change?
I know I have unresolved issues, I have alot of anger-towards my dad in particular that I haven't dealt with. To be honest, I'm refusing to deal with. I've got all the emotions & anger packed away in a nice little box, stored in the cupboard, not be opened until I'm ready. But will I ever be ready? I can admit that I'm envious of other people who have great relationships with their dads. I try to see what his daughter has that I don't-why he can love her but not me. I mean, even when he tore off the lid of that can of worms-he opened it, and again walked away. I hate the fact that I allowed him to do that-to get at me-to have that effect, and then when he walked away, it was me that had to put it all back together. I hate selfish people. I hate inconsiderate people. I'm just so frustrated right now.
Mr Man: Am I fooling myself into believing we can actually work? With the Atlantic Ocean and 5,000 miles seperating us? Am I telling myself that when he comes over here, we'd live happily after, because that's all I want? Am I telling myself that I won't make the same mistakes that other people have made cos I'm not love struck-to the point where he can tell me the sky's pink and I'll believe him? Why am I clinging to the hope of things going the way that i want them to, when 99.9% of the time everyday shit doesn't go the way I want them to! Am I feeling the pressure to have a boyfriend, so that my family members will stop wondering if I'm gay? Why do they think I'm gay? Cos I dress in tracksuits, and am not fast like my cousins? Cos I'm a virgin, and very proud to say that I am such, even as I'm touching 25. Am I still a virgin by choice? No-but really...?? Would Mr Man be the one I give it to? Does he really love me..? Shoot-do I really love him? Or is infatuation? The excitement? I just don't know....
Damn-my head hurts.
I know I have unresolved issues, I have alot of anger-towards my dad in particular that I haven't dealt with. To be honest, I'm refusing to deal with. I've got all the emotions & anger packed away in a nice little box, stored in the cupboard, not be opened until I'm ready. But will I ever be ready? I can admit that I'm envious of other people who have great relationships with their dads. I try to see what his daughter has that I don't-why he can love her but not me. I mean, even when he tore off the lid of that can of worms-he opened it, and again walked away. I hate the fact that I allowed him to do that-to get at me-to have that effect, and then when he walked away, it was me that had to put it all back together. I hate selfish people. I hate inconsiderate people. I'm just so frustrated right now.
Mr Man: Am I fooling myself into believing we can actually work? With the Atlantic Ocean and 5,000 miles seperating us? Am I telling myself that when he comes over here, we'd live happily after, because that's all I want? Am I telling myself that I won't make the same mistakes that other people have made cos I'm not love struck-to the point where he can tell me the sky's pink and I'll believe him? Why am I clinging to the hope of things going the way that i want them to, when 99.9% of the time everyday shit doesn't go the way I want them to! Am I feeling the pressure to have a boyfriend, so that my family members will stop wondering if I'm gay? Why do they think I'm gay? Cos I dress in tracksuits, and am not fast like my cousins? Cos I'm a virgin, and very proud to say that I am such, even as I'm touching 25. Am I still a virgin by choice? No-but really...?? Would Mr Man be the one I give it to? Does he really love me..? Shoot-do I really love him? Or is infatuation? The excitement? I just don't know....
Damn-my head hurts.
Will He Be A Criminal?
This is a question that I ask myself quite often of late. I'm talking bout my lil bro-he just turned 9, and to say the least I'm worried for him! His role model is my soon to be 23 year old brother-who's worked for about 3 days out of his adult life, has been arrested more times than I can remember, and has had 3 (i think) visits to jail for stupid shit. His girl is pregnant-and yep, he still has no job. He's always going on about he's looking to get a job and all this, but up till now, nothing. Obviously his criminal record doesn't help, but he's lacking the determination!
So anyways, back to my baby bro....he's soooo much like how my other brother was when he ws growing up: Very picky about food, puts tomato ketchup on EVERYTHING, and (here's where the conceren is) steals from the house. examples: My mum sent him to the shop to buy rice. She gave him £2 to buy a big enough bag to do for dinner that night. He comes home with the smallest bag - now bear in mind that currently there's 6 mouths to feed, that bag of rice wouldn't do. So anyways, my mum says to him 'why did you buy this one' he tells her there wasn't enough money for the bigger one. Now as it's a corner shop, the prices aren't really cheap, so my mum figures ok, well I'll do potatoes as well. She asks for the change, and my bro gives it up. My mum counts, then recounts.....yep-money's missing. She asks my bro where the rest of the money is, he claims that's all the money that he was given. So he's been short changed right? Wrong! My bro took some of the money to buy bubble gum-which is the reason WHY he didnt have enough money to buy the bigger bag of rice. My mum tells him off - so when I start talking to him, I ask him why he took the money. He says he didn't. We go back and forth, and then I eventually say, ok, well since you've been shortchanged, let's go back to the shop to get the rest of the money then. He then admits the truth. I try and talk to him on a level-you know, find out why he took the money with out asking...he has no answers for me.
He has done this a few times-taking change that's not his to spend on sweets and crap. The other day I sent him to go and get my phone outta my bag-he ate all the sweets that I had in there, and just yesterday he was sitting in my mum's room eating the chocolate out of the bag-without asking. When confronted, he acts like he's done nothing wrong. I said to my mum 'he's gonna be a thief when he grows up' (not that I'm tryna wash my mouth on him or nothing) and she was like 'yeah I know'. That response got me-I thought, ok you can see the traits of my other brother, and you're not gonna try and so something to try and prevent him turning the same?
See, I've tried to talk to my brother. You know, I've told him you know that he needs to get a good education to get a good job-his response ' N (my other bro) didn't! N has a street name. my bro calls him self 'younger *N's street name*. He doesn't understand that he will face many obstacles in his life, and being armed with a good education and determination will help him get somewhere. His school as referred him to this behavioural scheme thing-his teacher has referred him as he's been identified as 'a child that has anti-social tendencies' (my words). I was abit angry when he came home with the letter, cos it's like, right so cos he's a black boy, he clearly fits the stereotype for being anti-social. But as I read the leaflet, I now see that it may be good for him. I mean prevention is better than cure right?
Back in the day, he was a very angry little boy. I told my mum that she needed to find out why he was so angry-it fell on deaf ears. I have tried to talk to my little brother-but I honestly think it's a situation where he's seeing if mum isn't telling me this-why the heck are you? And I'm not saying that he's lacking attention, but honestly, the only real attention he gets from my mum is when he's getting told off by my mum for fighting with my sister. But no one can tell my mum nothing-she's not tryna hear it. I've said try and have 1 on 1 time with each of the younger kids (there's 3), but she's not hearing me. I mean, me and my mum don't have the greatest of relationships, but i'm at an age where I don't feel like I need the attention from my mum-most definately not as much as the younger kids do.
Ok, so I've rambled a bit, but ultimately what I'm tryna say is that, the fact that my mum can see my baby bro 'becoming' my other brother, he's said he's gonna smoke weed, he's not gonna go college-all because it's what he's seen his 'role model' do, surely you gotta sit up and take notice? Honestly, my lil bro has no positive black male role models in his life-his dad's a punk, and my brother - well, what more can I say? I just get the impression sometimes that my mum isn't tryna steer him in the right direction. He's only 9-he's not a lost cause you know?? But as I said, I can't tell my mum nothing, cos she ain't tryna hear me. And yes, I know it's hard being a parent, tryna raise boys (in particular)- but I mean, at what point do you give up encouraging your child to be good??
*This probably makes zero sense-i've just typed as I've thought, and now I can't be bothered to re-read and edit*
So anyways, back to my baby bro....he's soooo much like how my other brother was when he ws growing up: Very picky about food, puts tomato ketchup on EVERYTHING, and (here's where the conceren is) steals from the house. examples: My mum sent him to the shop to buy rice. She gave him £2 to buy a big enough bag to do for dinner that night. He comes home with the smallest bag - now bear in mind that currently there's 6 mouths to feed, that bag of rice wouldn't do. So anyways, my mum says to him 'why did you buy this one' he tells her there wasn't enough money for the bigger one. Now as it's a corner shop, the prices aren't really cheap, so my mum figures ok, well I'll do potatoes as well. She asks for the change, and my bro gives it up. My mum counts, then recounts.....yep-money's missing. She asks my bro where the rest of the money is, he claims that's all the money that he was given. So he's been short changed right? Wrong! My bro took some of the money to buy bubble gum-which is the reason WHY he didnt have enough money to buy the bigger bag of rice. My mum tells him off - so when I start talking to him, I ask him why he took the money. He says he didn't. We go back and forth, and then I eventually say, ok, well since you've been shortchanged, let's go back to the shop to get the rest of the money then. He then admits the truth. I try and talk to him on a level-you know, find out why he took the money with out asking...he has no answers for me.
He has done this a few times-taking change that's not his to spend on sweets and crap. The other day I sent him to go and get my phone outta my bag-he ate all the sweets that I had in there, and just yesterday he was sitting in my mum's room eating the chocolate out of the bag-without asking. When confronted, he acts like he's done nothing wrong. I said to my mum 'he's gonna be a thief when he grows up' (not that I'm tryna wash my mouth on him or nothing) and she was like 'yeah I know'. That response got me-I thought, ok you can see the traits of my other brother, and you're not gonna try and so something to try and prevent him turning the same?
See, I've tried to talk to my brother. You know, I've told him you know that he needs to get a good education to get a good job-his response ' N (my other bro) didn't! N has a street name. my bro calls him self 'younger *N's street name*. He doesn't understand that he will face many obstacles in his life, and being armed with a good education and determination will help him get somewhere. His school as referred him to this behavioural scheme thing-his teacher has referred him as he's been identified as 'a child that has anti-social tendencies' (my words). I was abit angry when he came home with the letter, cos it's like, right so cos he's a black boy, he clearly fits the stereotype for being anti-social. But as I read the leaflet, I now see that it may be good for him. I mean prevention is better than cure right?
Back in the day, he was a very angry little boy. I told my mum that she needed to find out why he was so angry-it fell on deaf ears. I have tried to talk to my little brother-but I honestly think it's a situation where he's seeing if mum isn't telling me this-why the heck are you? And I'm not saying that he's lacking attention, but honestly, the only real attention he gets from my mum is when he's getting told off by my mum for fighting with my sister. But no one can tell my mum nothing-she's not tryna hear it. I've said try and have 1 on 1 time with each of the younger kids (there's 3), but she's not hearing me. I mean, me and my mum don't have the greatest of relationships, but i'm at an age where I don't feel like I need the attention from my mum-most definately not as much as the younger kids do.
Ok, so I've rambled a bit, but ultimately what I'm tryna say is that, the fact that my mum can see my baby bro 'becoming' my other brother, he's said he's gonna smoke weed, he's not gonna go college-all because it's what he's seen his 'role model' do, surely you gotta sit up and take notice? Honestly, my lil bro has no positive black male role models in his life-his dad's a punk, and my brother - well, what more can I say? I just get the impression sometimes that my mum isn't tryna steer him in the right direction. He's only 9-he's not a lost cause you know?? But as I said, I can't tell my mum nothing, cos she ain't tryna hear me. And yes, I know it's hard being a parent, tryna raise boys (in particular)- but I mean, at what point do you give up encouraging your child to be good??
*This probably makes zero sense-i've just typed as I've thought, and now I can't be bothered to re-read and edit*
Thursday, 21 June 2007
Why I'm Mad
At this precise moment,I'm laying in my bed tryna go to sleep. I've just come off the phone with Mr Man. Yea, I gave in and called him. I mean,more than anything i just needed answers. well long & short of it is he hadn't received the text I sent on sunday-well so he says and then goes on about a text I sent him about 3 weeks ago that he received 3 days ago. We talk for a minute,and by the end of the quick but undoubtedly expensive call I felt much better-seems once again,my mind runs away too much!
So anyway,'m lying in bed,thinking of the events of my day & it seems I remember what happened that made me angry all day-i'm a bit like Dora from 'Finding Nemo'. My short-term memory is atrocious,but remind me of something that happened in my childhood or tell the same story but adding in a few 'extras'-or tell me a lie, forget you've told me & then lie on top of the 1st lie, or worst still-do me wrong-best believe I'll remember that shit.
So back to the subject this morning,I get up-earlier than i needed to, cos i started work later than usual today-but I forgot. I'm ironing my work gear. My mum walks past me in the hallway & she's like 'you know D (her husband)called me this morning at 6.30 complaining of a toothache?' instantly my body tenses. Soon as I hear his name adrenaline pumps through my body-making my belly flip. So I'm like 'what's he calling you for? Are u a dentist?' she tells me that she told him to register with a dentist, he tells her he doesnt know what one to go to, she asks him why he's telling her that for,by which he responds, and its here my blood boils 'you're meant to look after me'. She said she then hung up the phone. I told her not to tell me anymore, cos it'll only get me more mad.
So I'm finishing my ironing, still thinking bout what was said. I swear some people have some muthafuking nerve! After everything that's been done for you, you wanna come in, shake up everyone's world & then wana try act like anyone owes you shit? Get da fuck outta here! Like,are you serious dude? Nah-you cant be!
What he did,i can't type right now. Maybe in another post,but it's deep, it's fucked up, it's most definitely unforgivable and it's made me actually think about comitting a crime-shit I was ready to kill him-no word of a lie!
I get to work & discover my co-worker,the only other person on my account is working from another building so i have to take all the calls, and as I mentioned couldnt play music *kiss my teeth**
And then my friend L, I hooked her up with a job at my work place-doing the good deed & all. She started on Monday & gosh, how i've forgotten (dammit) how frikin annoying she is. We kinda drifted over the years but spoke most weeks over email. She's the kinda chick that always has a story-that you cant comment on cos she doesnt stop yaking for more than a quarter of a second, and has this anoying chuckle after EVERY sentence! It's actually been 2 days-cos I wasnt in yesterday,but she's really working my last nerve! Why did i hook her up you ask? Well a combination of her really needing a new job, my work place advertising @ the right time & of course my £500 bonus once she passes probation. I've always said it,but hindsight is a bitch. So with that said, i'm now thinking, I have to wait 3 months for that bonus. After tax it's not £500 again. Once that cash is spent (determined not to use it on bills) whats left? A friend, whom I love dearly who'll drive me nuts everyday until who knows when! Aint that a bitch? On the plus side we dont work on the same floor, but she comes down to sit with me for lunch. She needs to get friendlier with the chicks up on her floor! Heaven help me!
But hey,it's not all bad-is it? I'm off to bed!
So anyway,'m lying in bed,thinking of the events of my day & it seems I remember what happened that made me angry all day-i'm a bit like Dora from 'Finding Nemo'. My short-term memory is atrocious,but remind me of something that happened in my childhood or tell the same story but adding in a few 'extras'-or tell me a lie, forget you've told me & then lie on top of the 1st lie, or worst still-do me wrong-best believe I'll remember that shit.
So back to the subject this morning,I get up-earlier than i needed to, cos i started work later than usual today-but I forgot. I'm ironing my work gear. My mum walks past me in the hallway & she's like 'you know D (her husband)called me this morning at 6.30 complaining of a toothache?' instantly my body tenses. Soon as I hear his name adrenaline pumps through my body-making my belly flip. So I'm like 'what's he calling you for? Are u a dentist?' she tells me that she told him to register with a dentist, he tells her he doesnt know what one to go to, she asks him why he's telling her that for,by which he responds, and its here my blood boils 'you're meant to look after me'. She said she then hung up the phone. I told her not to tell me anymore, cos it'll only get me more mad.
So I'm finishing my ironing, still thinking bout what was said. I swear some people have some muthafuking nerve! After everything that's been done for you, you wanna come in, shake up everyone's world & then wana try act like anyone owes you shit? Get da fuck outta here! Like,are you serious dude? Nah-you cant be!
What he did,i can't type right now. Maybe in another post,but it's deep, it's fucked up, it's most definitely unforgivable and it's made me actually think about comitting a crime-shit I was ready to kill him-no word of a lie!
I get to work & discover my co-worker,the only other person on my account is working from another building so i have to take all the calls, and as I mentioned couldnt play music *kiss my teeth**
And then my friend L, I hooked her up with a job at my work place-doing the good deed & all. She started on Monday & gosh, how i've forgotten (dammit) how frikin annoying she is. We kinda drifted over the years but spoke most weeks over email. She's the kinda chick that always has a story-that you cant comment on cos she doesnt stop yaking for more than a quarter of a second, and has this anoying chuckle after EVERY sentence! It's actually been 2 days-cos I wasnt in yesterday,but she's really working my last nerve! Why did i hook her up you ask? Well a combination of her really needing a new job, my work place advertising @ the right time & of course my £500 bonus once she passes probation. I've always said it,but hindsight is a bitch. So with that said, i'm now thinking, I have to wait 3 months for that bonus. After tax it's not £500 again. Once that cash is spent (determined not to use it on bills) whats left? A friend, whom I love dearly who'll drive me nuts everyday until who knows when! Aint that a bitch? On the plus side we dont work on the same floor, but she comes down to sit with me for lunch. She needs to get friendlier with the chicks up on her floor! Heaven help me!
But hey,it's not all bad-is it? I'm off to bed!
Wednesday, 20 June 2007
Bad news
Ok, so I've received an email from FE. She tells me that a girl we all know-her cousin got killed last night. She was only 17-died from a single stab wound at 7.30 last night. She was killed cos of some beef apparently. It's just sad that the young people in particular are losing their lives over beef, repping their ends & postcodes, and just for general hype on the road.
It's some scary stuff man! It's stuff like this that make me look close to home-I mean I have a 18 year old sister! I'm scared for my siblings in this world man-it's a scary place. And just to think someone's life can be taken away so calously, at the drop of a hat. One minute you're laughing and joking, and then next you hear that that person's had their lives stolen! It's always sad to hear, but it always seems to touch a nerve when you know the family of the person.
Life's for living man-so it's all about living life to the fullest, enjoying everyday! Honestly, today, as again, made me put things into perspective. All the madness that's been happening with me of late-it's nothing in comparison. I'm just appreciating what I got-that's what it's all about!!
It's some scary stuff man! It's stuff like this that make me look close to home-I mean I have a 18 year old sister! I'm scared for my siblings in this world man-it's a scary place. And just to think someone's life can be taken away so calously, at the drop of a hat. One minute you're laughing and joking, and then next you hear that that person's had their lives stolen! It's always sad to hear, but it always seems to touch a nerve when you know the family of the person.
Life's for living man-so it's all about living life to the fullest, enjoying everyday! Honestly, today, as again, made me put things into perspective. All the madness that's been happening with me of late-it's nothing in comparison. I'm just appreciating what I got-that's what it's all about!!
Angry-for no reason!!!
I'm in a very bad mood today! I'm just so angry.....maybe it's cos I'm at work, when I REALLY don't want to be! Maybe I've actually realised that my 2 tightest buddies have jetted of to Malia, and left me here!! (and i was the one that dropped them to the airport-injustice or what?) I can quite easily think of 10 places I'd rather be than sitting at this crusty desk, listening to dry concersation-there's some inspector in or some shit, and I was politely asked to turn off Aaliyah, cos he was on his way down! So for the most part of today I'm gonna be mad.....!
I don't even have anything to vent my anger about, and that's getting me mad too! I just wanna go back home, and go back to bed man-I don't even need to be here!
I don't even have anything to vent my anger about, and that's getting me mad too! I just wanna go back home, and go back to bed man-I don't even need to be here!
Tuesday, 19 June 2007
Lost Without You
'Can't Help Myself. How Does It Feel To Know That I Love You Baby'
Well, I'm still waiting to hear how it feels. I've been away for a minute, been dealing with some emotional stuff. To be honest, alot has happened since the last time I blogged, and to be honest right now I don't have the patience or the brain capacity to remember it all.
Ok, so to the title of the blog-Now that I'm accepting the fact that I may have to deal with life without Mr Man, suddenly he's all I want. I'm feeling like without knowing that he's in my life, that I'm effectively lost. It's now that I'm realising that I really do love him-I've been trying to convince myself that I'm in control of my emotions-that I really do have an off off switch that I control in regards to him. I've been refusing to believe that I have become one of those girls who falls for a dude who's spinning them nothing but sweet words. I won't lie, some things he's said to me has made me think-'yeah right, do I look stupid to you?', but then other things he says makes me know he's being honest-or is he?
Long distance relationships are so hard-especially when all you want to do is be together. You have no idea how much of everyday I sit gazing into space-mind wondering away-thinking of the day that we would be together. When I'd come home & he'd be there to greet me, when we'd go out together, be at family functions. I imagine getting to know his son....live in a fantasy world live happily ever after! But in the very essence of real life, it's not happening.
Ok, so I met him when I went to Jamaica in September-when I first met him, me and my girls were joking, saying he was Winston..from 'How Stella Got....' and the ultimate quote 'I love you Stella' in the worst possible Jamaican accent (Taye-I aint mad at ya though!!' But anyways, we chilled pretty much every day of my 2 week stay. Nothing happened more than kissing, he respected the fact that I was still a virgin wasn't tryna give away the keys to just anyone-but I was really feeling him. But I was realisitic-the fact that we're 5,000 miles away, I knew nothing really would ever come of it-and I'd always known, and been told of the men with the 'silver tongues'.
Anywho, back at home, and we would talk on the phone all the time. Me & my girls fell in love with JA, so we booked to go back in Feb of this year-which we did. Now, this time round, the holiday was not as enjoyable-all long to get into, but let's just say it's now the 'unspoken holiday'-and it was nothing to do with me! Me & Mr Man spent even more time with each other, and of course, I was feeling him more. On the day that we were leaving, he gave me his St Christopher chain that his grandad gave to him, as well as a picture of his son. I thought, yep-he's serious! He's really feeling me too.
Back home, and things were ok. I mean there's been points where I've just gotten fed up with just the phone calls, with the fact that in order for me to see him, I'd have to get the money, book the time off work explain to the fam why I'm running off to JA so often-and I'm not staying with family....and with all those factors, ultimately not knowing when I'd see him again. I'd get mad at me, him and the situation. And then after a few days of not speaking to him, I'd really miss him, and I'd feel better. Well right now, the issue I've got is that the calls are inconsistent-to the point where it's pissing me off. I mean granted, I haven't really called him, but I send him texts to let him know I'm thinking of him and everything. When I was out there in Feb, he gave me a phone that he needed a battery for, I managed to locate a battery, and FE went to JA last Sunday, and I gave it to her to give to him for me. He knew that FE was going out to JA-but I hadn't heard from him for over a week before hand. I was mad cos it was like, you haven't called to see how I'm doing, or my LF after the death of her mum, and it's like now you know something's coming for you, you wanna call me. On the night he called I was out raving, so I only got a voicemail, but then he called again on Sunday-which is the day the FE was leaving. I dunno, maybe I read too much into it, but it just felt like he was only calling to make sure that I'd given FE the phone to give to him.
I sent him a text letting him know how I felt, and he then blew off my phone for 4 days straight-and since Thursday I haven't heard from him. I met up with the girlies yesterday-FE came back from JA yesterday, and I was hoping that he would have given her a picture of him and his son (which I'd asked him for and he said that he would give to her), or a letter or even a message-but there was nothing-absolutely nothing. I was really disappointed, but then I'm telling myself that I'm not as bothered as I think I am.
I'm trying to make sense of the current situation in my head-and disecting it, and the more I fdo this, the more I think that he's not genuine about the things that he's been saying. I never thought I'd be in this situation. In theory it's easy enough to just forget him, as he's not in the same damn country as me.....but it's now that i'm telling myself to be done with it, it's the more my heart's telling me that I love him, and that I need to stick with it and ride with the situation until it gets better-but I'm not trying to keep doing this for years to come.
I'm at a total loss, I haven't a clue what to do-I can't help the fact that I've got love for this dude, he knows-but how does he feel knowing that I love him? He does tell me that he loves me-all the time, but is this for real?
None of my girls really know how much I'm feeling this dude....so i'm pretty much battling this on my own-but we've all gotta handle our business at some point huh?
I mean really-am I wasting my time?
Damn-my head hurts....
Well, I'm still waiting to hear how it feels. I've been away for a minute, been dealing with some emotional stuff. To be honest, alot has happened since the last time I blogged, and to be honest right now I don't have the patience or the brain capacity to remember it all.
Ok, so to the title of the blog-Now that I'm accepting the fact that I may have to deal with life without Mr Man, suddenly he's all I want. I'm feeling like without knowing that he's in my life, that I'm effectively lost. It's now that I'm realising that I really do love him-I've been trying to convince myself that I'm in control of my emotions-that I really do have an off off switch that I control in regards to him. I've been refusing to believe that I have become one of those girls who falls for a dude who's spinning them nothing but sweet words. I won't lie, some things he's said to me has made me think-'yeah right, do I look stupid to you?', but then other things he says makes me know he's being honest-or is he?
Long distance relationships are so hard-especially when all you want to do is be together. You have no idea how much of everyday I sit gazing into space-mind wondering away-thinking of the day that we would be together. When I'd come home & he'd be there to greet me, when we'd go out together, be at family functions. I imagine getting to know his son....live in a fantasy world live happily ever after! But in the very essence of real life, it's not happening.
Ok, so I met him when I went to Jamaica in September-when I first met him, me and my girls were joking, saying he was Winston..from 'How Stella Got....' and the ultimate quote 'I love you Stella' in the worst possible Jamaican accent (Taye-I aint mad at ya though!!' But anyways, we chilled pretty much every day of my 2 week stay. Nothing happened more than kissing, he respected the fact that I was still a virgin wasn't tryna give away the keys to just anyone-but I was really feeling him. But I was realisitic-the fact that we're 5,000 miles away, I knew nothing really would ever come of it-and I'd always known, and been told of the men with the 'silver tongues'.
Anywho, back at home, and we would talk on the phone all the time. Me & my girls fell in love with JA, so we booked to go back in Feb of this year-which we did. Now, this time round, the holiday was not as enjoyable-all long to get into, but let's just say it's now the 'unspoken holiday'-and it was nothing to do with me! Me & Mr Man spent even more time with each other, and of course, I was feeling him more. On the day that we were leaving, he gave me his St Christopher chain that his grandad gave to him, as well as a picture of his son. I thought, yep-he's serious! He's really feeling me too.
Back home, and things were ok. I mean there's been points where I've just gotten fed up with just the phone calls, with the fact that in order for me to see him, I'd have to get the money, book the time off work explain to the fam why I'm running off to JA so often-and I'm not staying with family....and with all those factors, ultimately not knowing when I'd see him again. I'd get mad at me, him and the situation. And then after a few days of not speaking to him, I'd really miss him, and I'd feel better. Well right now, the issue I've got is that the calls are inconsistent-to the point where it's pissing me off. I mean granted, I haven't really called him, but I send him texts to let him know I'm thinking of him and everything. When I was out there in Feb, he gave me a phone that he needed a battery for, I managed to locate a battery, and FE went to JA last Sunday, and I gave it to her to give to him for me. He knew that FE was going out to JA-but I hadn't heard from him for over a week before hand. I was mad cos it was like, you haven't called to see how I'm doing, or my LF after the death of her mum, and it's like now you know something's coming for you, you wanna call me. On the night he called I was out raving, so I only got a voicemail, but then he called again on Sunday-which is the day the FE was leaving. I dunno, maybe I read too much into it, but it just felt like he was only calling to make sure that I'd given FE the phone to give to him.
I sent him a text letting him know how I felt, and he then blew off my phone for 4 days straight-and since Thursday I haven't heard from him. I met up with the girlies yesterday-FE came back from JA yesterday, and I was hoping that he would have given her a picture of him and his son (which I'd asked him for and he said that he would give to her), or a letter or even a message-but there was nothing-absolutely nothing. I was really disappointed, but then I'm telling myself that I'm not as bothered as I think I am.
I'm trying to make sense of the current situation in my head-and disecting it, and the more I fdo this, the more I think that he's not genuine about the things that he's been saying. I never thought I'd be in this situation. In theory it's easy enough to just forget him, as he's not in the same damn country as me.....but it's now that i'm telling myself to be done with it, it's the more my heart's telling me that I love him, and that I need to stick with it and ride with the situation until it gets better-but I'm not trying to keep doing this for years to come.
I'm at a total loss, I haven't a clue what to do-I can't help the fact that I've got love for this dude, he knows-but how does he feel knowing that I love him? He does tell me that he loves me-all the time, but is this for real?
None of my girls really know how much I'm feeling this dude....so i'm pretty much battling this on my own-but we've all gotta handle our business at some point huh?
I mean really-am I wasting my time?
Damn-my head hurts....
Friday, 8 June 2007
The *N* Word
So I finally got my replacement N95-after about 10 phone calls to stupid people at T-mobs, and a common sense-lacking delivery driver!! Only thing now is that the case that fit my other N95 does NOT fit this one. So I'm annoyed now!!
Anywho, had a discussion with my girls this morning about the whole race row thing in BB that was aired last night. A white girl (Emily) called a black girl (Charley) a n***er...Charley was shocked, but claimed that she was not offended-though she did persist to talk about it the whole entire night. Now first things first, if Emily had called ME a n***r, best believe she woulda got a swift punch in the mouth!! Emily claimed that everyone used that word where she was from....homie don't play that round these parts sweetheart!! Calling me a n***r would be a sure fire way to getting a simple beat down!! so anyways, BB kicked her outta the house-and in true media-style there's this thing now about whether BB were right to kick her out....yadda yadda. Damn right they were! But on a real, it's not like it's stops her from using the N word does it?? One other point-and one that Emily used to her defense was that Charley had previously referred to herself as being a n***r, and that it's used all the time in songs.
Now I'm not gonna jump on that whole 'n***r what, n****r who?' issue with rap lyrics and all....simply cos I'd be here all day, and will more than likely contradict myself. What I will say though, is that under no circumstances would I not be offended if I was referred to as a n***r by a white person. Simply cos of the history behind it. Shoot, I damn near slapped my colleague upside his head cos he referred to a black guy as 'coloured' I do, to some extent agree with some people's view that the word n***r only carries as much weight as you allow it, but with that said, why is it ok for other Black people to refer to themselves-and each other as such, and it be acceptable, but not from any other race?
It would be interesting to know when that word changed from being one that was and in many instances still is classed as a derogatory term, into one in which is used to affectionately acknowledge our counter parts. I dunno, the use of and acceptance of the N word will always be one that will always open up a can of worms, and unless we as Black people unify to either fully embrace it for what it is, or banish it.....then there'll always be these types of arguments! I personally would never refer to myself as a n****r, and I wouldn't expect, want or accept anyone calling me as such. If you feel like referring to my colour, for a good enough reason, then black is what I am....not coloured....other black people may use the word as they wish-I'm not here to judge, nor chastise them for such....but I for one, am not a n***r.
I actually haven't been watching BB since I saw it on launch night, but I tuned in for that episode....the way Emily said it, it did just roll of the tongue like it was nothing....but as soon as it was out, just by the look on her face, when she saw Charley's reaction, she knew she was thinking 'rah, did I just say that out loud??' It wasn't said with a malicious tone, but on a real, it was SO out of the blue, and so NOT in context to anything that was being said, that I think all of that put together made it much worse! There are rules-dunno who wrote em, but I guess the Black folks are the ones enforcing em. What a world we live in!!
On other news, I'm tired as hell.....there's just never enough sleeping time it seems!! Tonight, hooking up with the girlies, to watch BB, the season finale of Ugly Betty *wipes a tear*, and chill for the night!!!
Until next time! Sayonara..xx
Anywho, had a discussion with my girls this morning about the whole race row thing in BB that was aired last night. A white girl (Emily) called a black girl (Charley) a n***er...Charley was shocked, but claimed that she was not offended-though she did persist to talk about it the whole entire night. Now first things first, if Emily had called ME a n***r, best believe she woulda got a swift punch in the mouth!! Emily claimed that everyone used that word where she was from....homie don't play that round these parts sweetheart!! Calling me a n***r would be a sure fire way to getting a simple beat down!! so anyways, BB kicked her outta the house-and in true media-style there's this thing now about whether BB were right to kick her out....yadda yadda. Damn right they were! But on a real, it's not like it's stops her from using the N word does it?? One other point-and one that Emily used to her defense was that Charley had previously referred to herself as being a n***r, and that it's used all the time in songs.
Now I'm not gonna jump on that whole 'n***r what, n****r who?' issue with rap lyrics and all....simply cos I'd be here all day, and will more than likely contradict myself. What I will say though, is that under no circumstances would I not be offended if I was referred to as a n***r by a white person. Simply cos of the history behind it. Shoot, I damn near slapped my colleague upside his head cos he referred to a black guy as 'coloured' I do, to some extent agree with some people's view that the word n***r only carries as much weight as you allow it, but with that said, why is it ok for other Black people to refer to themselves-and each other as such, and it be acceptable, but not from any other race?
It would be interesting to know when that word changed from being one that was and in many instances still is classed as a derogatory term, into one in which is used to affectionately acknowledge our counter parts. I dunno, the use of and acceptance of the N word will always be one that will always open up a can of worms, and unless we as Black people unify to either fully embrace it for what it is, or banish it.....then there'll always be these types of arguments! I personally would never refer to myself as a n****r, and I wouldn't expect, want or accept anyone calling me as such. If you feel like referring to my colour, for a good enough reason, then black is what I am....not coloured....other black people may use the word as they wish-I'm not here to judge, nor chastise them for such....but I for one, am not a n***r.
I actually haven't been watching BB since I saw it on launch night, but I tuned in for that episode....the way Emily said it, it did just roll of the tongue like it was nothing....but as soon as it was out, just by the look on her face, when she saw Charley's reaction, she knew she was thinking 'rah, did I just say that out loud??' It wasn't said with a malicious tone, but on a real, it was SO out of the blue, and so NOT in context to anything that was being said, that I think all of that put together made it much worse! There are rules-dunno who wrote em, but I guess the Black folks are the ones enforcing em. What a world we live in!!
On other news, I'm tired as hell.....there's just never enough sleeping time it seems!! Tonight, hooking up with the girlies, to watch BB, the season finale of Ugly Betty *wipes a tear*, and chill for the night!!!
Until next time! Sayonara..xx
Thursday, 7 June 2007
Hey Shawty! What It Do?
I absolutely love that greeting! That and What it do Shawty-which is the same, but just rearranged! I say it all the time-so much so, that this is how my siblings & nephew now greet me!! Damn T-Pain! lol! I'm in love with the US-everyone believes I shoulda been born there! I'm hoping to move out there one of these fine days! Dunno where though, but I like sound of Philly, New York, Florida...dunno why-don't really know the first things about any of these states.....but anywho....
So right now, I'm at work-technically on my lunch break-though honestly I've spent the best part of my day reading other people's blogs!! There are some interesting and very funny people out there!!
I'm sick! I have a cold! I hardly ever get sick, so when I do-I'm really sick! Though this recent bout of gross germs isn't kicking my ass! Thank f**k for that!! As a result of having the lurgies, I haven't done anything interesting really!!
Yesterday I went to the supermarket straight from work for my granny, and then went to her house-where she fed me grilled bacon & fried plantain!! It was baaad!! I swear, no one fries a plantain like Granny!! So we're chilling, watching the soaps-that she updates me on, cos I haven't seen many for a likle while! She then starts talking about my dad!! **rolls eyes....sighs**. I mean, no disrespect to my granny-but all now I can't figure out WHY she thinks I actually care what that man says or does!!!
Anyways, she's telling me that one of my cousin's called him to install a telephone line in her bedroom-and he went down there-went to B & Q for supplies and shit and did it for her. Now when she tells me this, I'm thinking-that stooopid ass mofo!! His niece can call him, and he hops, skippidy jumps and does it-when I ask him, he tells me 'he'll see what he can do'...and well-I guess he never sees....cos he never does!!
Background: Me and my sperm donor have never really had a relationship, and this has gotten even more none existent the older I got. As a teenager-I had that typical-'I hate my mum' thing going on. I used to write in my diary exactly how much, and then one day-yep my mum found it. We had this arguement-and she was like 'oh, you hate me so much, but I'm the one that's been there....you're Dad didn't want you-he wanted me to have an abortion...' Those words cut like a knife, and has never left me. At this point, I didn't have a great relationship with my dayd, but I used to go to his house for weekends every now and then. This changed shortly after. I used to write about how much his daughter annoyed me-and stuff....my mum gave my diary to my granny, who then gave it to my aunty, who gave it to my dad....and we had a 'talk' in which he told me that he loved both me & his daughter the same and how he'd make more of an effort...yadda yadda......Please believe 15 years later-nothing of the sort!!
I used to go to my granny's every weekend-he lives literally around the corner....never saw him!! Last year, he called me and I went mad on him-told him exactly what I thought of him.....he 'apologised' promised things would be different-yep, nothing of the sort!! Turns out he was heading into the church-he's a preacher nor on summink, and he was 'rectifyig' his wrongs, by stirring up all these emotions within me that I had buried-and left me hanging. So as far as I understand, he's entered into the church with a 'clean' slate! I think it's safe to say that I hate him-yeah I know hate's a strong word, but that's how I feel-I can't help it!! Couple months ago he went to South Africa with his church (even though when he called me on my birthday-from some unknown number (he knew I wouldn't have answered otherwise) and told me he'd give me money (even though I hadn't asked) and hasn't mentioned it since) and had a 'great' time.....good ole' granny filled me in!!
Bless my granny-she's old skool, so as far as she's concerned, I'm the child, so I need to make the effort blah blah, and for a minute I tried that, but after a while you kinda realise, what am I doing this for? I don't have the time or energy to entertain fake shit! I'm better than that!! So as a result, I don't see or speak to that waste of space-though I do see his sprog every now and then! She's another one...I don't like her....or her mother.....but I'm not about to get into that!!
So after beign at Granny's I went and picked up my specs....seems I wear my contacts too often, and need to cut back, by wearing specs more. So I got me a pair of FCUK black rimmed ones that came in a really nice glasses case! got home, took out the contacts, put on the Specs.....F**K I'm blind!!! I dunno if it's cos it's a new prescription, cos I haven't worn glasses for a while or just that the optician fucked up and gave me someone else's glasses, but bwoy-I felt like I just got of the waltzer!! things looked kinda big (like bi-focals), and going down the stairs was NO fun!! I'm gonna firm it for a few days-give my eyes some time to adjust to the change....but if shit ain't no better by this time next week-those bad boys are going BACK, and somebody's gonna need to have a look!! I could never drive in those things!! I'd be an accident just waiting to happen!!!
Well anyways, right now, as I've said I;m at work. Lunch break is OFFICIALLY over-but who cares right? I've got shit loads of work to do.....not enough time to do it-though being here wasting time doesn't help.....nose is blocked....and I'm silently pissed cos my replacement N95 hasn't arrived yet-though it shoulda come between 8-1....apparently it'll come this afternoon-and it bloody better 'else T-mobs WILL hear my voice!! Cha!!
Well, I guess I better do some of what I get paid for and sort out a few accounts.....oh the joys of work!!!
So right now, I'm at work-technically on my lunch break-though honestly I've spent the best part of my day reading other people's blogs!! There are some interesting and very funny people out there!!
I'm sick! I have a cold! I hardly ever get sick, so when I do-I'm really sick! Though this recent bout of gross germs isn't kicking my ass! Thank f**k for that!! As a result of having the lurgies, I haven't done anything interesting really!!
Yesterday I went to the supermarket straight from work for my granny, and then went to her house-where she fed me grilled bacon & fried plantain!! It was baaad!! I swear, no one fries a plantain like Granny!! So we're chilling, watching the soaps-that she updates me on, cos I haven't seen many for a likle while! She then starts talking about my dad!! **rolls eyes....sighs**. I mean, no disrespect to my granny-but all now I can't figure out WHY she thinks I actually care what that man says or does!!!
Anyways, she's telling me that one of my cousin's called him to install a telephone line in her bedroom-and he went down there-went to B & Q for supplies and shit and did it for her. Now when she tells me this, I'm thinking-that stooopid ass mofo!! His niece can call him, and he hops, skippidy jumps and does it-when I ask him, he tells me 'he'll see what he can do'...and well-I guess he never sees....cos he never does!!
Background: Me and my sperm donor have never really had a relationship, and this has gotten even more none existent the older I got. As a teenager-I had that typical-'I hate my mum' thing going on. I used to write in my diary exactly how much, and then one day-yep my mum found it. We had this arguement-and she was like 'oh, you hate me so much, but I'm the one that's been there....you're Dad didn't want you-he wanted me to have an abortion...' Those words cut like a knife, and has never left me. At this point, I didn't have a great relationship with my dayd, but I used to go to his house for weekends every now and then. This changed shortly after. I used to write about how much his daughter annoyed me-and stuff....my mum gave my diary to my granny, who then gave it to my aunty, who gave it to my dad....and we had a 'talk' in which he told me that he loved both me & his daughter the same and how he'd make more of an effort...yadda yadda......Please believe 15 years later-nothing of the sort!!
I used to go to my granny's every weekend-he lives literally around the corner....never saw him!! Last year, he called me and I went mad on him-told him exactly what I thought of him.....he 'apologised' promised things would be different-yep, nothing of the sort!! Turns out he was heading into the church-he's a preacher nor on summink, and he was 'rectifyig' his wrongs, by stirring up all these emotions within me that I had buried-and left me hanging. So as far as I understand, he's entered into the church with a 'clean' slate! I think it's safe to say that I hate him-yeah I know hate's a strong word, but that's how I feel-I can't help it!! Couple months ago he went to South Africa with his church (even though when he called me on my birthday-from some unknown number (he knew I wouldn't have answered otherwise) and told me he'd give me money (even though I hadn't asked) and hasn't mentioned it since) and had a 'great' time.....good ole' granny filled me in!!
Bless my granny-she's old skool, so as far as she's concerned, I'm the child, so I need to make the effort blah blah, and for a minute I tried that, but after a while you kinda realise, what am I doing this for? I don't have the time or energy to entertain fake shit! I'm better than that!! So as a result, I don't see or speak to that waste of space-though I do see his sprog every now and then! She's another one...I don't like her....or her mother.....but I'm not about to get into that!!
So after beign at Granny's I went and picked up my specs....seems I wear my contacts too often, and need to cut back, by wearing specs more. So I got me a pair of FCUK black rimmed ones that came in a really nice glasses case! got home, took out the contacts, put on the Specs.....F**K I'm blind!!! I dunno if it's cos it's a new prescription, cos I haven't worn glasses for a while or just that the optician fucked up and gave me someone else's glasses, but bwoy-I felt like I just got of the waltzer!! things looked kinda big (like bi-focals), and going down the stairs was NO fun!! I'm gonna firm it for a few days-give my eyes some time to adjust to the change....but if shit ain't no better by this time next week-those bad boys are going BACK, and somebody's gonna need to have a look!! I could never drive in those things!! I'd be an accident just waiting to happen!!!
Well anyways, right now, as I've said I;m at work. Lunch break is OFFICIALLY over-but who cares right? I've got shit loads of work to do.....not enough time to do it-though being here wasting time doesn't help.....nose is blocked....and I'm silently pissed cos my replacement N95 hasn't arrived yet-though it shoulda come between 8-1....apparently it'll come this afternoon-and it bloody better 'else T-mobs WILL hear my voice!! Cha!!
Well, I guess I better do some of what I get paid for and sort out a few accounts.....oh the joys of work!!!
Tuesday, 5 June 2007
The Round Up
So it's been nearly a weeks since I've updated, and there's been a bit that's happened.
Ok, so last Thursday, after work, my, FE, SFAM & The Top Chick (MTC) met up in Croydon to buy flowers for the funeral on Monday. We went to the flower shop, and chose a really nice white lily spray. It was initially a small design-for a child, but the lady said that she could do it on a bigger scale for the funeral. It was quite an emotional thing-I mean for me, it was the realisation that this is really happening-that my LF's mum has really passed, and that the road ahead would be really hard, and painful! As we were paying for the flowers collectively between us 8 LF's SFAM came down to have a look at the picture-she turned up late & was in such a sour mood! She only said hi to the FE-didn't even look at me, and my SFAM came over and said hi to her, and she gave a pathetic smile. So after she went to look at the flowers, we decided to head to the pub for dinner & a drink. On route, LF's SFAM decided she was going home, and walked off-didn't say anything to anyone. You know when you just think, in light of the reason WHY we came here, and with everything going on you still wanna be dumb? She's still not talking me from when we had that 'honest meetings-no repercussions' thing, and to be honest, and despite the fact that we're all 24 year olds, she still felt the need to act immature! So she left, and we carried on to the pub, and had a good evening.
Friday-work as normal, and later in the evening, me & TTC went to Z Bar in Brixton. Was a seemingly ok night. Couple of wierds-but they're everywhere!!! So we're dancing to Funky House, and this Jamaican dude-who'd been standing beside me the best part of the night watching asks if TTC was my sister. I said no, she's my friend. He was like 'oh-cos I thought she was your girlfriend-is she your girlfriend?' I was like 'Nope' and carried on dancing, he was like 'I dont mean to offend' I was like yeah whatever....See for me, I know what my sexual orientation is-I'm secure in being straight, I'm also fully aware that I am female, and don't feel the need to wear dresses to validate myself as such-so when people think I'm a dude at first looking at me cos of my attire, it's doesn't bother me....cos like I said I'm secure in myself, knowing who and what I am. So anyways I tell TTC, and we start laughing, the dude then comes over again, and is like 'oh I thought she was your girlfriend', so TTC was like 'is he your boyfriend?' meaning his friend.He starts laughing, and then insists that I tell his friend what my friend said, I;m so not interested-more interested in dancing to the tunes that I;m hearing. The dude then decides to swtich and is saying to TTC that she's out of order-now my friend, she's not one to back down from an argument, and is getting heated. I was just like, never mind him! He then walked away....but we left the club shortly after that.
Saturday- Went to my nephew's b'day celebrations @ Pizza Hut...bless him-he had such a good time!! Also hooked up with my LF, her dad & her brother. They were shopping for drinks & things for Monday. It was nice to see her Pops-hadn't seen him for a long time-and he made sure he let me know EXACTLY how long I hadn't seen him!! My bad!! He told me to come round the house at some point before the funeral-so he could tell everyone that his daughters back! Bless him-He's like a dad to me-I wish he really was my dad....my dad's nothing more than a sperm donor-but i'm sure we'll discuss more about him at a later date.....chilled at my gran's for the rest of the evening.
Sunday-went to Covent Gardens with my aunty-spent a packet!! Chilled at my grannys-ate dinner, and then went to my LF's parents house. chilled there for the duration of the email-rolled my ass home after 10-permed my hair.....and went bed-absolutely knackered!!
Monday- morning of the funeral! Hardly slept considering i was so tired, but I was so anxious about the day. Headed to the house. when everyone arrived, the hearse came-I saw the coffin, my chest was tight.....my eyes whelled up. My LF's brother requested for some people from his church to come and say a prayer-there was no church service, so it was what he requested. We said a prayer, but I felt very unhinged about the fact that this preacher woman was going ON AND ON about the fact that they didn't believe in him etc...I thought, you're not being fair. Mrs A wasn't a church goer, and wasn't a hypocrite to want a church funeral, when she never went when she was alive, and this preacher woman, I felt, was trying them feel guilty as a result. And then they were asking if anyone had anything to say, and not many felt like they wanted to say anything, and she made everyone feel bad about that too-I mean, why does it have to be put into words, in order for the amount of pauin & grieve to be validated???? Anywho, went to the cemetry and Mrs A was buried. Her niece sang a song for her-and as she was singing, the sun came out for a minute-it was nice. From the cemetry, we went to the Wake @ a hall. There was nuff food & drink, and me, my SFAM, and another friend helped in the kitchen-by the end of it my feet were KILLING me. Back at my LF's parents house. Chilled there for the rest of the evening. I was emotionally & physically exhausted!! Mrs A had a nice send off, and it was so warming & touching to see the whole family supporting each other the way that they were. It'll be hard, but they'll be ok. We're all gonna be there to support them. Oh, and FE's SFAM realised that there was more to life that her sillyness, and was cool with me. She even hugged me as I was crying at the cemetry. We're cool now I think.......
Right back to work.....
Ok, so last Thursday, after work, my, FE, SFAM & The Top Chick (MTC) met up in Croydon to buy flowers for the funeral on Monday. We went to the flower shop, and chose a really nice white lily spray. It was initially a small design-for a child, but the lady said that she could do it on a bigger scale for the funeral. It was quite an emotional thing-I mean for me, it was the realisation that this is really happening-that my LF's mum has really passed, and that the road ahead would be really hard, and painful! As we were paying for the flowers collectively between us 8 LF's SFAM came down to have a look at the picture-she turned up late & was in such a sour mood! She only said hi to the FE-didn't even look at me, and my SFAM came over and said hi to her, and she gave a pathetic smile. So after she went to look at the flowers, we decided to head to the pub for dinner & a drink. On route, LF's SFAM decided she was going home, and walked off-didn't say anything to anyone. You know when you just think, in light of the reason WHY we came here, and with everything going on you still wanna be dumb? She's still not talking me from when we had that 'honest meetings-no repercussions' thing, and to be honest, and despite the fact that we're all 24 year olds, she still felt the need to act immature! So she left, and we carried on to the pub, and had a good evening.
Friday-work as normal, and later in the evening, me & TTC went to Z Bar in Brixton. Was a seemingly ok night. Couple of wierds-but they're everywhere!!! So we're dancing to Funky House, and this Jamaican dude-who'd been standing beside me the best part of the night watching asks if TTC was my sister. I said no, she's my friend. He was like 'oh-cos I thought she was your girlfriend-is she your girlfriend?' I was like 'Nope' and carried on dancing, he was like 'I dont mean to offend' I was like yeah whatever....See for me, I know what my sexual orientation is-I'm secure in being straight, I'm also fully aware that I am female, and don't feel the need to wear dresses to validate myself as such-so when people think I'm a dude at first looking at me cos of my attire, it's doesn't bother me....cos like I said I'm secure in myself, knowing who and what I am. So anyways I tell TTC, and we start laughing, the dude then comes over again, and is like 'oh I thought she was your girlfriend', so TTC was like 'is he your boyfriend?' meaning his friend.He starts laughing, and then insists that I tell his friend what my friend said, I;m so not interested-more interested in dancing to the tunes that I;m hearing. The dude then decides to swtich and is saying to TTC that she's out of order-now my friend, she's not one to back down from an argument, and is getting heated. I was just like, never mind him! He then walked away....but we left the club shortly after that.
Saturday- Went to my nephew's b'day celebrations @ Pizza Hut...bless him-he had such a good time!! Also hooked up with my LF, her dad & her brother. They were shopping for drinks & things for Monday. It was nice to see her Pops-hadn't seen him for a long time-and he made sure he let me know EXACTLY how long I hadn't seen him!! My bad!! He told me to come round the house at some point before the funeral-so he could tell everyone that his daughters back! Bless him-He's like a dad to me-I wish he really was my dad....my dad's nothing more than a sperm donor-but i'm sure we'll discuss more about him at a later date.....chilled at my gran's for the rest of the evening.
Sunday-went to Covent Gardens with my aunty-spent a packet!! Chilled at my grannys-ate dinner, and then went to my LF's parents house. chilled there for the duration of the email-rolled my ass home after 10-permed my hair.....and went bed-absolutely knackered!!
Monday- morning of the funeral! Hardly slept considering i was so tired, but I was so anxious about the day. Headed to the house. when everyone arrived, the hearse came-I saw the coffin, my chest was tight.....my eyes whelled up. My LF's brother requested for some people from his church to come and say a prayer-there was no church service, so it was what he requested. We said a prayer, but I felt very unhinged about the fact that this preacher woman was going ON AND ON about the fact that they didn't believe in him etc...I thought, you're not being fair. Mrs A wasn't a church goer, and wasn't a hypocrite to want a church funeral, when she never went when she was alive, and this preacher woman, I felt, was trying them feel guilty as a result. And then they were asking if anyone had anything to say, and not many felt like they wanted to say anything, and she made everyone feel bad about that too-I mean, why does it have to be put into words, in order for the amount of pauin & grieve to be validated???? Anywho, went to the cemetry and Mrs A was buried. Her niece sang a song for her-and as she was singing, the sun came out for a minute-it was nice. From the cemetry, we went to the Wake @ a hall. There was nuff food & drink, and me, my SFAM, and another friend helped in the kitchen-by the end of it my feet were KILLING me. Back at my LF's parents house. Chilled there for the rest of the evening. I was emotionally & physically exhausted!! Mrs A had a nice send off, and it was so warming & touching to see the whole family supporting each other the way that they were. It'll be hard, but they'll be ok. We're all gonna be there to support them. Oh, and FE's SFAM realised that there was more to life that her sillyness, and was cool with me. She even hugged me as I was crying at the cemetry. We're cool now I think.......
Right back to work.....
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