What Do You Reckon?

It's almost 9 in the morning...and I'm in a bad mood! Soldier called me a little while ago and told me that he's got time off from work, I think next week, and that he was going to his Grandad's for a week. I'm soooo annoyed! Now before you get the wrong idea, the reason why I'm annoyed is not cos he's going to his Grandad's, not cos I'm not invited (old school folk) BUT because just yesterday the big head bwoy said that we would be going to Germany, cos he wasn't meant to be working today or tomorrow, but his work people scheduled him in, and we had plans on Monday that are no more.

I've never really thought of holidaying to Germany, but it's where he's lived for 5 years and loves it, so I'm thinking what the heck? More importantly it'll mean we get to spend time together away from the usual surroundings....so as I start looking forward to it, I discover we're not going....BUT he doesn't say this. He just changes the plan....no mention of us going anywhere anymore....it's almost like it was never mentioned! I'm annoyed not cos he's going to visit his Gramps.....cos I love my grandparents to death...and clearly there's no contest between them and going away...but I kinda feel like...I dunno....now I've written this much, I don't even know if I have the right to be pissed.....what do you reckon?



In fact, I know why I'm mad...because he can never make a plan with me, and then actually follow through with it! It's soooo annoying! It's like he says the shit I wanna hear, but then decides he's doing something else...which fair enough isn't always his fault....BUT surely something has to give sometimes......??



Ok, NOW what do you reckon....?



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My Confession

So you know you're slacking on your posting when your getting a comment on the same post almost a week later from the same person….lol
 
Ok…so it's been an interesting few days….there's been tears, anger, tantrums…and thankfully smiles and laughter…so I'm all good now!
 
Rashan has decided to make the bloggers in Makin The Blog actually do homework…..so here goes….please note that for the most part I was a good kid…the worst things I ever did was steal sweeties from the supermarket across the road from my house…..me and my brother would go to the pic n mix section, fill up the bags that they provide…and casually walk out….lol….So anyways…here is my confession….
 
Back in the day(1980's), when we used to live on a Housing Estate, my mum would always have me and my younger brother go to the shop for her….the shop was at the other entrance to our block of flats, and was literally a 5 minute jobby.  One day me and my bro were out playing, and we decided we wanted some sweets….knowing Mum would say no to our request of money, we decided to go to the corner shop…and take a few penny sweets-no biggie….
 
So in we walk…obviously we lived around the way, so it was nothing for just the two of us to be in the store…wandering around aimlessly…We felt brave, so we both grabbed a handful of sweets and tried to walk out….'Oi, what you have there?' That was Dilip (damn I actually remember his name) the shop keeper…..we tried to ignore him and walk out swiftly, but he wasn't having it. He came round from behind the till over quickly, took the sweets from us, and told us that we were banned from the shop FOREVER….we're both thinking whatever innit…there's other shops around here!!
 
Forgot all about the escapade, until the following day, when my Mum told me to go to the shop to buy something or another….as I reach downstairs, I remember what happened the day before….not about to get thrown out the shop…I hung about for around 5 minutes before going back upstairs, and telling my Mum that Dilip wouldn't let me in the shop. She's like 'why?' I'm like, 'I dunno! I walked in, and he told me to get out'….Now back in the day my Mum was GHETTO! Everyone knew about my Mum bwoy..she'd cuss you down to the ground if anybody messed with her kids! She did not PLAY!! So she's putting on her shoes now, cussing and ting…talking about how's he gonna kick me out the shop for no reason…the whole time my heart is beating fast and hard…I know what my Mum could be like…and I wasn't ready to get beats for stealing if Dilip told her…so I'm SCARED now…I try to thing of excuses to not go back to the shop with her..but she wasn't having it!
 
She drags me back to the shop….Dilip sees me….gets ready to fix his lips to say that I'm banned….soon as he opens his mouth…my mum jumps on it…asking him why he kicked me out the shop…the poor Indian dude tries to tell my Mum that I didn't come in the shop that day….then bright ole me's like 'yes I did…and you told me to get out!' He's stuttering and ting…saying he hadn't seen me all day…but Mum isn't tryna hear it…she cusses HIM OUT! Then tells him, that next time she sends her chile to HIS shop..he better not turn them away! Lol-it's funny now…cos the poor man had NO choice….even though it was HIS shop and I was WRONG…but obviously my Mum would believe little Angelic me!!!
 
In the end, she grabbed what she wanted, and just before she left the shop she was like 'Remember wha' me say Dilip…nuh make me come back here for dis again??!' Dilip didn't get to tell my Mum what me and my bro did…he got cussed out for something he didn't do…and me and brother were able to go to the shop whenever we liked..and he couldn't stop us!! To this day, my Mum doesn't know the truth about what we did…*shrugs* ah well…..Funnily enough though, the shop's still there…and I think Dilip might be there too!!

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Dear Blogger

I have tried...tried my hardest to NOT lose my patience with you....but when you allow me to type my comments on the pages of my blog fam....only to tell me there's some kinda fault...and allll that I wrote disappears....yeah, that doesn't sit well with me AT ALL!

Blogger-i beg....Fix up and look sharp, man...cos it seems if it's not one ting it's a next...and I honestly don't know how much more I can take.....so please...just fix up!

Thanks!

Tom_Gurl
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Too Much Time!

I clearly have too much time on my hands! My friend just come back from the States...and she's brought me back all these goodies!!

Yes that is my name in skittles! I did say I had too much time! Lol!

Damn...i'm soooo bored!
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Just Sharing

• My Uncle, who has been in Jamaica for the past 3 months was due to return home today...but is STILL in JA...BUT hasn't told any of us...and my Grandad (who's still really ill) has been worrying himself sick thinking something has happened to my selfish ass Uncle
• My brother's girlfriend had a miscarriage (ironically 2 days after I posted about her being preggers again)...my brother (who's a total wasteman) came by my Mum's house, saw his son there (cos his girl was at the hospital having a scrape), then proceeded to take his ass home 'to have a bath'...leaving his child with my Mother..(how about taking him home with you???) Meaning his GF had to come back to my Mums to pick up lil man before heading home....That boy makes me so sick....
• I was so close to calling my Dad this past weekend....But I changed my mind....maybe another day....another time...
• Ms Diva, Ms B, Deep & Karrie B are truly amazing women....I thank you guys sooooooo much....you know why...
• Speaking of which....where the heck is Deep?
• My baby sang the chorus of 'I swear' by All-4-One to me this evening....It was the sweetest thing...I had to laugh (silently of course) cos he can't carry a tune if it was strapped to his back...to which, he gave the excuse 'it's night time, so the strings in my throat are not tuned up!) lmao!!
• Why can I smell black cake? (I call it that cos it's the kinda cake you'd typically get at the Christenings and Weddings of Black folk...you know the soaking of the currants and stuff (dunno exactly what they are) in rum, or brandy or whatever paint stripping alcohol is used for MONTHS on end...you know...dark in colour...will knock your ass for 6 if you mess around and eat too much....Yeah that cake)..And after talking about it so much I want a slice dammit!!
• Listening to Floetry right now...and I'm still SO sad that Natalie is no more..... **wipes tear** Why the heck does she wanna go solo ANYWAY?!?!?

Ok...I have nothing more!

Oh yeah...GO TEAM JAMEIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BRAP BRAP BRAP!! (I see Ms Diva over there tryna rep for her team...so you KNOW I have to do the same!!!

Sick And Tired

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm tired of battling withn myself everyday....for over analysing ever situation in my life. I'm so tired of having to dissect the people around me...people that I know are for real, but can't accept it....

I'm attempting to sleep...but I've got a lot on my mind. After a disagreement with Soldier, I'm here laying in my bed going over the words that have been said. I close my eyes, and I hope for a reason behind this constant battle I seem to be facing....I see my father's face....in my attempts of sleep, I envision me calling him up and arranging a meeting. At this meeting I tell him EXACTLY how he's made me the angry bitter person that I am. The one that's struggling to accept the love that's given to her by others....cos if my own father doesn't love me, then how can anyone else?! I tell him how I felt everytime he let me down. Everytime he told me he would come to see my new homes and didn't....how I felt when he told me that he doesn't think of me everyday....that it's a case of out of sight, out of mind....how everytime I feel like I'm dealing, I see him, my blood boils and I'm back to square one. How it feels to know that his congregation probably know nothing of his illegitimate child.....

I open my eyes, and there's tears...a lot of them. I think I need to have this meeting. I need to release this anger. I've tried writing him a letter...have done so twice in the past few months, and I feel better...like weight has been lifted, but something happens to trigger the crap again, and I'm back to square one.
I'm becoming a horrible person...a person so consumed with hate and hurt that I can't accept anything good around me. I feel like I don't deserve happiness, yet that's all I want. I'm tired of being this person....I think I need this meeting. But I don't know what I expect. I could tell him everything and nothing would change....how would I feel? What kinda relationship, if any do I want with him? Or do I just need him to know how he's ruined my life?

I'm sick and tired of being me, of battling everyday with the memories, the scars and the what if's, taking every word and action of another as a personal attack on me. I'm tired of pushing my loved ones away....I don't want to lose them...I'm sick and tired of being the female with 'Daddy Issues.'

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
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An Aunty Again....!!?!?!

I've just come off the phone with my sister...she has informed me that my brother's girlfriend is pregnant...AGAIN....with bambino number 2. To say I'm shocked is an understatement! I couldn't understand the words that were coming out of my sisters mouth! Like 'you what???'

I went to my Mum's today, and she said that my bro's chick was in hospital cos she was bleeding...not thinking I'm like 'why would you go hospital cos you're bleeding?? That time of the month innit?' My mum shrugs...and then it was forgotten.

My sister said that my Mum spoke to the GF, my brother came to her house and being the dyamn fool that he is, had no answers for my mum....so when she gets on the phone to the GF, she's like 'You gone back fi di dawta?' The GF's like 'huh?' My mum repeats it, the penny drops, she responds yeah....so my girl is pregnant again.....

Now I'm pleased for them, don't get me wrong, but it don't make sense...I mean, ask Tam...she'll tell ya...if a dick goes in, a baby could come out...so why did my brother tell my Mum that it wasn't meant to happen and she didn't take her pill?? Are you for real???? So it's HER fault then....right ok!!

It's the kids I feel for because:

• My brother has no J-O-B
• She has no permanent place of residence (she's current;ly in a mother-baby unit)
• Their relationbship is the pits (if I'm being honest)..from the outside looking in, it's destructive, and abusive
• She's 17 with NO form of qualifications
• My brother's a wasteman! Roaming the streets til all hours...
• Did I mention he has no job??
• My nephew is 6.5 months....so she'll be sooo run down tryna handle a kid just over one and a new born...BY HERSELF!

Like I told my sister....I wish them all the best...I'll help where I can...but damn.....*smh*....

Never Apologize....

I don't actually have much to post about today…so I'll share the contents of an email a friend sent to me recently:

 

21 things a sista should never apologize for:

 

Never apologize

 

1. For pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to quit your job, transfer schools, or move across country, always do what you really want.
2. For using proper English. Keeping it real doesn't mean you have to use Ebonics.
3. For giving your best in a relationship that just didn't work.
4. For crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself.
5. For being successful. Only haters want to keep you at their level.
6. For ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.
7. For wearing a weave or braids. You bought it so it's your.
8. For being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.
9. For treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.
10. For demanding respect. You are to always be treated as a Queen.
11. For leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.
12. For keeping the ring even if you didn't get married.
13. For setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves.
14. For dating outside of your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the colour line, doesn't mean you don't love your brothas.
15. To your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.
16. For ordering dessert or more than one dessert.
17. For being a single Mom. Babies are a blessing.
18. For saying 'No'.
19. For not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma, you know how to order a good take out!
20. For making more money than your man-you work hard and deserve to get paid.
21. For being YOU.

 

Keep your head up and keep moving forward. Always remember that God loves you and he ALWAYS has your back.

 

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Sent from Yahoo! Mail.
A Smarter Inbox.

Sunday....

Today is Mother's Day over here....so to all the Mothers: Happy Mothers Day!!!!

I purposely woke up early today...tidied my house and headed out to buy Mother's Day cards (yeah, I know I left it REEEALLLY late). I wanted to stop by the cemetry to put flowers on my LF's Mum's grave, but I didn't get to in the end...I'mma try get there one day this week! It's days like this that appreciate what you have....when you think of those that do not have....I'm sure my friend would give anything to have her Mum here now...I stopped at my Mum house-it was about 2pm....Mum was in bed...kipping....barely managed to grunt a hello...I left the card on the table...conversated with them kids, and then headed out to my Granny's. It's now after 7pm, and she hasn't called or text to say thanks for the card or nothing....*sigh* I dunno...! I'm trying to appreciate her...but she's seriously working my nerve!!

Chilling at my Granny's and my dad comes round (gggggrrrrrr!!!) I haven't seen or spoken to him since he left the A & E department of the hospital on New Years Eve. Everytime this man is in my vicinity, he manages to mess with my spirit....I always feel sooo angry. I try not to, but thus far, to no avail. He's here for about an hour....and only acknowledges me when I open the door, and when he's leaving. I'm upstairs in the spare room on my laptop, he comes in, puts his hand on my head, and asks about my laptop (that he helped pay for yet never seen...cos he's NEVER been to any of the places that I've lived at!)...then he's like, ok, see you later! Ok-whatever...I didn't even look at him.....but my blood is boiling. I'm SO mad that he has this effect on me. I'm meant to be seeing Soldier this evening...heaven help him! lol! I'm in a rotten mood now!

Looking back at the way things have been...and I've been a crap girlfriend...I almost...almost feel bad for Solider....ah..that feelings gone now! lol!!

I've got many issues....and I know it's affecting my daily life, my relationship everything...I'm just trying to deal with it all....

Ok, so this post as totally changed direction...it wasn't supposed to be all deep with emotion and crap....

Hope you're all having a good chilled out Sunday! I'm off for a nap...something about eating rice n peas, chicken, veg, roasted spuds with gravy that makes a sista TIRED!!