It's Official: I'm A Punk!!

We'll get to that in a mo....

I text my friend yesterday to ask her how the bubby was doing and she text me back saying 'hard to say at the mo-just pray...' so that's just what I'm gonna do-pray that he makes a full recovery!

*****OMFG**** Timothy 'Timbaland' Mosely is touching London on 12th July....and I'm reaching!!! It's his album party or summink & he's gonna be there with DJ Freestyle (?) and some of the big UK DJs...I'm sooooooooooooooooo excited!! I absolutely L.O.V.E the musical genius that is Timbo....and he's touching my ends, so of course I have to go!! I'm so excited, you have no idea!!! Yayyy for Tim!!

Ok, so now on to the title of this post! I'm so mad at myself right now, but then I'm also so very confused!!! This morning I listened to Mary Mary's 1st album on my way to work, and cried the whole ruddy way there!!! So yesterday I decided I wanted to end things with Mr Man....All evening, I was preparing myself for the conversation. I've never had to break up with someone before-especially under these kinda circumstances, and with him I can be soooo mad at him, and then as soon as I hear his voice I forget that I was actually mad.

So I call him, and he answers, and we do the pleasantries. Then I ask him if he got my text yesterday. He tells me that he can't see the screen on his phone, and the other one isn't fixed yet, so he can't see anything. In my head I'm thinking 'crap & shit-so he has no damn clue'. so anyways, I then ask him how he feels about our current situation. He tells me that he hates it, and that more time, it hurts so bad, but he looks forward to hearing my voice.....then he asks me how I feel about it....now looking back, this was the PERFECT opportunity for me to say how I felt about the situation, and end things right.....wrong!! I told him that I hated the situation, and that I wasn't happy anymore....that I hated the fact that I couldn't see and speak to him whenever I wanted, and it wasn't how I wanted things to be. He asks me how I feel when I hear his voice (why would you ask me that-this is not part of my plan!!) So I tell him that I feel bad...cos when I don't speak to him, I get mad, and then I hear his voice and I feel happy, but then feel bad for being mad, and then when I come off the phone to him I'm sad again (confusing???) So he then starts telling me that things will get better, and that though he knows that it hurts the both of us, things will change....he's like what do you think....I'm like yeah, I hear what you're saying....AND THAT WAS ALL I SAID!!!!!! Then I was like, well I gotta go (cos T-mobs was charging me the earth for this phone call) and he was like 'bye baby...I love you' I didn't say it back-just said bye again and then hung up. Am I a punk or what?? One simple thing and I couldn't bloody do it. I've been kicking myself ever since...I guess I wanted to prove to myself that 1) I really could do it and 2)that I'm not feeling him as much as I think I am.

See the thing is, a part of me doesn't want to give up on the relationship, but the other part of me is telling me it's pointless trying to believe that things will get better & we'd be together properly. I hate the fact that we're so far apart, and that hurts more than anything...and is the driving force behind me wanting to let it all go....and I'm thinking, am I trying to hold onto to this relationship because I feel so strongly for him, because I'm scared no one else will want me, because I truly believe that he is the one for me, because I WANT him to be my prince, because I don't want to hurt him by breaking up? Should I let it go because it hurts so much, because I'm not sure whether I should be willing to fight......dammit...I JUST DON'T KNOW!!!!! Why can't shit just be easy for ONCE!!!!! What do I do???

On other news.....I'm into my 3rd day of not smoking.....and I don't have any cravings thus far-all I wanna do is cry!!!!