At this precise moment,I'm laying in my bed tryna go to sleep. I've just come off the phone with Mr Man. Yea, I gave in and called him. I mean,more than anything i just needed answers. well long & short of it is he hadn't received the text I sent on sunday-well so he says and then goes on about a text I sent him about 3 weeks ago that he received 3 days ago. We talk for a minute,and by the end of the quick but undoubtedly expensive call I felt much better-seems once again,my mind runs away too much!
So anyway,'m lying in bed,thinking of the events of my day & it seems I remember what happened that made me angry all day-i'm a bit like Dora from 'Finding Nemo'. My short-term memory is atrocious,but remind me of something that happened in my childhood or tell the same story but adding in a few 'extras'-or tell me a lie, forget you've told me & then lie on top of the 1st lie, or worst still-do me wrong-best believe I'll remember that shit.
So back to the subject this morning,I get up-earlier than i needed to, cos i started work later than usual today-but I forgot. I'm ironing my work gear. My mum walks past me in the hallway & she's like 'you know D (her husband)called me this morning at 6.30 complaining of a toothache?' instantly my body tenses. Soon as I hear his name adrenaline pumps through my body-making my belly flip. So I'm like 'what's he calling you for? Are u a dentist?' she tells me that she told him to register with a dentist, he tells her he doesnt know what one to go to, she asks him why he's telling her that for,by which he responds, and its here my blood boils 'you're meant to look after me'. She said she then hung up the phone. I told her not to tell me anymore, cos it'll only get me more mad.
So I'm finishing my ironing, still thinking bout what was said. I swear some people have some muthafuking nerve! After everything that's been done for you, you wanna come in, shake up everyone's world & then wana try act like anyone owes you shit? Get da fuck outta here! Like,are you serious dude? Nah-you cant be!
What he did,i can't type right now. Maybe in another post,but it's deep, it's fucked up, it's most definitely unforgivable and it's made me actually think about comitting a crime-shit I was ready to kill him-no word of a lie!
I get to work & discover my co-worker,the only other person on my account is working from another building so i have to take all the calls, and as I mentioned couldnt play music *kiss my teeth**
And then my friend L, I hooked her up with a job at my work place-doing the good deed & all. She started on Monday & gosh, how i've forgotten (dammit) how frikin annoying she is. We kinda drifted over the years but spoke most weeks over email. She's the kinda chick that always has a story-that you cant comment on cos she doesnt stop yaking for more than a quarter of a second, and has this anoying chuckle after EVERY sentence! It's actually been 2 days-cos I wasnt in yesterday,but she's really working my last nerve! Why did i hook her up you ask? Well a combination of her really needing a new job, my work place advertising @ the right time & of course my £500 bonus once she passes probation. I've always said it,but hindsight is a bitch. So with that said, i'm now thinking, I have to wait 3 months for that bonus. After tax it's not £500 again. Once that cash is spent (determined not to use it on bills) whats left? A friend, whom I love dearly who'll drive me nuts everyday until who knows when! Aint that a bitch? On the plus side we dont work on the same floor, but she comes down to sit with me for lunch. She needs to get friendlier with the chicks up on her floor! Heaven help me!
But hey,it's not all bad-is it? I'm off to bed!
Thursday, 21 June 2007
Wednesday, 20 June 2007
Bad news
Ok, so I've received an email from FE. She tells me that a girl we all know-her cousin got killed last night. She was only 17-died from a single stab wound at 7.30 last night. She was killed cos of some beef apparently. It's just sad that the young people in particular are losing their lives over beef, repping their ends & postcodes, and just for general hype on the road.
It's some scary stuff man! It's stuff like this that make me look close to home-I mean I have a 18 year old sister! I'm scared for my siblings in this world man-it's a scary place. And just to think someone's life can be taken away so calously, at the drop of a hat. One minute you're laughing and joking, and then next you hear that that person's had their lives stolen! It's always sad to hear, but it always seems to touch a nerve when you know the family of the person.
Life's for living man-so it's all about living life to the fullest, enjoying everyday! Honestly, today, as again, made me put things into perspective. All the madness that's been happening with me of late-it's nothing in comparison. I'm just appreciating what I got-that's what it's all about!!
It's some scary stuff man! It's stuff like this that make me look close to home-I mean I have a 18 year old sister! I'm scared for my siblings in this world man-it's a scary place. And just to think someone's life can be taken away so calously, at the drop of a hat. One minute you're laughing and joking, and then next you hear that that person's had their lives stolen! It's always sad to hear, but it always seems to touch a nerve when you know the family of the person.
Life's for living man-so it's all about living life to the fullest, enjoying everyday! Honestly, today, as again, made me put things into perspective. All the madness that's been happening with me of late-it's nothing in comparison. I'm just appreciating what I got-that's what it's all about!!
Angry-for no reason!!!
I'm in a very bad mood today! I'm just so angry.....maybe it's cos I'm at work, when I REALLY don't want to be! Maybe I've actually realised that my 2 tightest buddies have jetted of to Malia, and left me here!! (and i was the one that dropped them to the airport-injustice or what?) I can quite easily think of 10 places I'd rather be than sitting at this crusty desk, listening to dry concersation-there's some inspector in or some shit, and I was politely asked to turn off Aaliyah, cos he was on his way down! So for the most part of today I'm gonna be mad.....!
I don't even have anything to vent my anger about, and that's getting me mad too! I just wanna go back home, and go back to bed man-I don't even need to be here!
I don't even have anything to vent my anger about, and that's getting me mad too! I just wanna go back home, and go back to bed man-I don't even need to be here!
Tuesday, 19 June 2007
Lost Without You
'Can't Help Myself. How Does It Feel To Know That I Love You Baby'
Well, I'm still waiting to hear how it feels. I've been away for a minute, been dealing with some emotional stuff. To be honest, alot has happened since the last time I blogged, and to be honest right now I don't have the patience or the brain capacity to remember it all.
Ok, so to the title of the blog-Now that I'm accepting the fact that I may have to deal with life without Mr Man, suddenly he's all I want. I'm feeling like without knowing that he's in my life, that I'm effectively lost. It's now that I'm realising that I really do love him-I've been trying to convince myself that I'm in control of my emotions-that I really do have an off off switch that I control in regards to him. I've been refusing to believe that I have become one of those girls who falls for a dude who's spinning them nothing but sweet words. I won't lie, some things he's said to me has made me think-'yeah right, do I look stupid to you?', but then other things he says makes me know he's being honest-or is he?
Long distance relationships are so hard-especially when all you want to do is be together. You have no idea how much of everyday I sit gazing into space-mind wondering away-thinking of the day that we would be together. When I'd come home & he'd be there to greet me, when we'd go out together, be at family functions. I imagine getting to know his son....live in a fantasy world live happily ever after! But in the very essence of real life, it's not happening.
Ok, so I met him when I went to Jamaica in September-when I first met him, me and my girls were joking, saying he was Winston..from 'How Stella Got....' and the ultimate quote 'I love you Stella' in the worst possible Jamaican accent (Taye-I aint mad at ya though!!' But anyways, we chilled pretty much every day of my 2 week stay. Nothing happened more than kissing, he respected the fact that I was still a virgin wasn't tryna give away the keys to just anyone-but I was really feeling him. But I was realisitic-the fact that we're 5,000 miles away, I knew nothing really would ever come of it-and I'd always known, and been told of the men with the 'silver tongues'.
Anywho, back at home, and we would talk on the phone all the time. Me & my girls fell in love with JA, so we booked to go back in Feb of this year-which we did. Now, this time round, the holiday was not as enjoyable-all long to get into, but let's just say it's now the 'unspoken holiday'-and it was nothing to do with me! Me & Mr Man spent even more time with each other, and of course, I was feeling him more. On the day that we were leaving, he gave me his St Christopher chain that his grandad gave to him, as well as a picture of his son. I thought, yep-he's serious! He's really feeling me too.
Back home, and things were ok. I mean there's been points where I've just gotten fed up with just the phone calls, with the fact that in order for me to see him, I'd have to get the money, book the time off work explain to the fam why I'm running off to JA so often-and I'm not staying with family....and with all those factors, ultimately not knowing when I'd see him again. I'd get mad at me, him and the situation. And then after a few days of not speaking to him, I'd really miss him, and I'd feel better. Well right now, the issue I've got is that the calls are inconsistent-to the point where it's pissing me off. I mean granted, I haven't really called him, but I send him texts to let him know I'm thinking of him and everything. When I was out there in Feb, he gave me a phone that he needed a battery for, I managed to locate a battery, and FE went to JA last Sunday, and I gave it to her to give to him for me. He knew that FE was going out to JA-but I hadn't heard from him for over a week before hand. I was mad cos it was like, you haven't called to see how I'm doing, or my LF after the death of her mum, and it's like now you know something's coming for you, you wanna call me. On the night he called I was out raving, so I only got a voicemail, but then he called again on Sunday-which is the day the FE was leaving. I dunno, maybe I read too much into it, but it just felt like he was only calling to make sure that I'd given FE the phone to give to him.
I sent him a text letting him know how I felt, and he then blew off my phone for 4 days straight-and since Thursday I haven't heard from him. I met up with the girlies yesterday-FE came back from JA yesterday, and I was hoping that he would have given her a picture of him and his son (which I'd asked him for and he said that he would give to her), or a letter or even a message-but there was nothing-absolutely nothing. I was really disappointed, but then I'm telling myself that I'm not as bothered as I think I am.
I'm trying to make sense of the current situation in my head-and disecting it, and the more I fdo this, the more I think that he's not genuine about the things that he's been saying. I never thought I'd be in this situation. In theory it's easy enough to just forget him, as he's not in the same damn country as me.....but it's now that i'm telling myself to be done with it, it's the more my heart's telling me that I love him, and that I need to stick with it and ride with the situation until it gets better-but I'm not trying to keep doing this for years to come.
I'm at a total loss, I haven't a clue what to do-I can't help the fact that I've got love for this dude, he knows-but how does he feel knowing that I love him? He does tell me that he loves me-all the time, but is this for real?
None of my girls really know how much I'm feeling this dude....so i'm pretty much battling this on my own-but we've all gotta handle our business at some point huh?
I mean really-am I wasting my time?
Damn-my head hurts....
Well, I'm still waiting to hear how it feels. I've been away for a minute, been dealing with some emotional stuff. To be honest, alot has happened since the last time I blogged, and to be honest right now I don't have the patience or the brain capacity to remember it all.
Ok, so to the title of the blog-Now that I'm accepting the fact that I may have to deal with life without Mr Man, suddenly he's all I want. I'm feeling like without knowing that he's in my life, that I'm effectively lost. It's now that I'm realising that I really do love him-I've been trying to convince myself that I'm in control of my emotions-that I really do have an off off switch that I control in regards to him. I've been refusing to believe that I have become one of those girls who falls for a dude who's spinning them nothing but sweet words. I won't lie, some things he's said to me has made me think-'yeah right, do I look stupid to you?', but then other things he says makes me know he's being honest-or is he?
Long distance relationships are so hard-especially when all you want to do is be together. You have no idea how much of everyday I sit gazing into space-mind wondering away-thinking of the day that we would be together. When I'd come home & he'd be there to greet me, when we'd go out together, be at family functions. I imagine getting to know his son....live in a fantasy world live happily ever after! But in the very essence of real life, it's not happening.
Ok, so I met him when I went to Jamaica in September-when I first met him, me and my girls were joking, saying he was Winston..from 'How Stella Got....' and the ultimate quote 'I love you Stella' in the worst possible Jamaican accent (Taye-I aint mad at ya though!!' But anyways, we chilled pretty much every day of my 2 week stay. Nothing happened more than kissing, he respected the fact that I was still a virgin wasn't tryna give away the keys to just anyone-but I was really feeling him. But I was realisitic-the fact that we're 5,000 miles away, I knew nothing really would ever come of it-and I'd always known, and been told of the men with the 'silver tongues'.
Anywho, back at home, and we would talk on the phone all the time. Me & my girls fell in love with JA, so we booked to go back in Feb of this year-which we did. Now, this time round, the holiday was not as enjoyable-all long to get into, but let's just say it's now the 'unspoken holiday'-and it was nothing to do with me! Me & Mr Man spent even more time with each other, and of course, I was feeling him more. On the day that we were leaving, he gave me his St Christopher chain that his grandad gave to him, as well as a picture of his son. I thought, yep-he's serious! He's really feeling me too.
Back home, and things were ok. I mean there's been points where I've just gotten fed up with just the phone calls, with the fact that in order for me to see him, I'd have to get the money, book the time off work explain to the fam why I'm running off to JA so often-and I'm not staying with family....and with all those factors, ultimately not knowing when I'd see him again. I'd get mad at me, him and the situation. And then after a few days of not speaking to him, I'd really miss him, and I'd feel better. Well right now, the issue I've got is that the calls are inconsistent-to the point where it's pissing me off. I mean granted, I haven't really called him, but I send him texts to let him know I'm thinking of him and everything. When I was out there in Feb, he gave me a phone that he needed a battery for, I managed to locate a battery, and FE went to JA last Sunday, and I gave it to her to give to him for me. He knew that FE was going out to JA-but I hadn't heard from him for over a week before hand. I was mad cos it was like, you haven't called to see how I'm doing, or my LF after the death of her mum, and it's like now you know something's coming for you, you wanna call me. On the night he called I was out raving, so I only got a voicemail, but then he called again on Sunday-which is the day the FE was leaving. I dunno, maybe I read too much into it, but it just felt like he was only calling to make sure that I'd given FE the phone to give to him.
I sent him a text letting him know how I felt, and he then blew off my phone for 4 days straight-and since Thursday I haven't heard from him. I met up with the girlies yesterday-FE came back from JA yesterday, and I was hoping that he would have given her a picture of him and his son (which I'd asked him for and he said that he would give to her), or a letter or even a message-but there was nothing-absolutely nothing. I was really disappointed, but then I'm telling myself that I'm not as bothered as I think I am.
I'm trying to make sense of the current situation in my head-and disecting it, and the more I fdo this, the more I think that he's not genuine about the things that he's been saying. I never thought I'd be in this situation. In theory it's easy enough to just forget him, as he's not in the same damn country as me.....but it's now that i'm telling myself to be done with it, it's the more my heart's telling me that I love him, and that I need to stick with it and ride with the situation until it gets better-but I'm not trying to keep doing this for years to come.
I'm at a total loss, I haven't a clue what to do-I can't help the fact that I've got love for this dude, he knows-but how does he feel knowing that I love him? He does tell me that he loves me-all the time, but is this for real?
None of my girls really know how much I'm feeling this dude....so i'm pretty much battling this on my own-but we've all gotta handle our business at some point huh?
I mean really-am I wasting my time?
Damn-my head hurts....
Friday, 8 June 2007
The *N* Word
So I finally got my replacement N95-after about 10 phone calls to stupid people at T-mobs, and a common sense-lacking delivery driver!! Only thing now is that the case that fit my other N95 does NOT fit this one. So I'm annoyed now!!
Anywho, had a discussion with my girls this morning about the whole race row thing in BB that was aired last night. A white girl (Emily) called a black girl (Charley) a n***er...Charley was shocked, but claimed that she was not offended-though she did persist to talk about it the whole entire night. Now first things first, if Emily had called ME a n***r, best believe she woulda got a swift punch in the mouth!! Emily claimed that everyone used that word where she was from....homie don't play that round these parts sweetheart!! Calling me a n***r would be a sure fire way to getting a simple beat down!! so anyways, BB kicked her outta the house-and in true media-style there's this thing now about whether BB were right to kick her out....yadda yadda. Damn right they were! But on a real, it's not like it's stops her from using the N word does it?? One other point-and one that Emily used to her defense was that Charley had previously referred to herself as being a n***r, and that it's used all the time in songs.
Now I'm not gonna jump on that whole 'n***r what, n****r who?' issue with rap lyrics and all....simply cos I'd be here all day, and will more than likely contradict myself. What I will say though, is that under no circumstances would I not be offended if I was referred to as a n***r by a white person. Simply cos of the history behind it. Shoot, I damn near slapped my colleague upside his head cos he referred to a black guy as 'coloured' I do, to some extent agree with some people's view that the word n***r only carries as much weight as you allow it, but with that said, why is it ok for other Black people to refer to themselves-and each other as such, and it be acceptable, but not from any other race?
It would be interesting to know when that word changed from being one that was and in many instances still is classed as a derogatory term, into one in which is used to affectionately acknowledge our counter parts. I dunno, the use of and acceptance of the N word will always be one that will always open up a can of worms, and unless we as Black people unify to either fully embrace it for what it is, or banish it.....then there'll always be these types of arguments! I personally would never refer to myself as a n****r, and I wouldn't expect, want or accept anyone calling me as such. If you feel like referring to my colour, for a good enough reason, then black is what I am....not coloured....other black people may use the word as they wish-I'm not here to judge, nor chastise them for such....but I for one, am not a n***r.
I actually haven't been watching BB since I saw it on launch night, but I tuned in for that episode....the way Emily said it, it did just roll of the tongue like it was nothing....but as soon as it was out, just by the look on her face, when she saw Charley's reaction, she knew she was thinking 'rah, did I just say that out loud??' It wasn't said with a malicious tone, but on a real, it was SO out of the blue, and so NOT in context to anything that was being said, that I think all of that put together made it much worse! There are rules-dunno who wrote em, but I guess the Black folks are the ones enforcing em. What a world we live in!!
On other news, I'm tired as hell.....there's just never enough sleeping time it seems!! Tonight, hooking up with the girlies, to watch BB, the season finale of Ugly Betty *wipes a tear*, and chill for the night!!!
Until next time! Sayonara..xx
Anywho, had a discussion with my girls this morning about the whole race row thing in BB that was aired last night. A white girl (Emily) called a black girl (Charley) a n***er...Charley was shocked, but claimed that she was not offended-though she did persist to talk about it the whole entire night. Now first things first, if Emily had called ME a n***r, best believe she woulda got a swift punch in the mouth!! Emily claimed that everyone used that word where she was from....homie don't play that round these parts sweetheart!! Calling me a n***r would be a sure fire way to getting a simple beat down!! so anyways, BB kicked her outta the house-and in true media-style there's this thing now about whether BB were right to kick her out....yadda yadda. Damn right they were! But on a real, it's not like it's stops her from using the N word does it?? One other point-and one that Emily used to her defense was that Charley had previously referred to herself as being a n***r, and that it's used all the time in songs.
Now I'm not gonna jump on that whole 'n***r what, n****r who?' issue with rap lyrics and all....simply cos I'd be here all day, and will more than likely contradict myself. What I will say though, is that under no circumstances would I not be offended if I was referred to as a n***r by a white person. Simply cos of the history behind it. Shoot, I damn near slapped my colleague upside his head cos he referred to a black guy as 'coloured' I do, to some extent agree with some people's view that the word n***r only carries as much weight as you allow it, but with that said, why is it ok for other Black people to refer to themselves-and each other as such, and it be acceptable, but not from any other race?
It would be interesting to know when that word changed from being one that was and in many instances still is classed as a derogatory term, into one in which is used to affectionately acknowledge our counter parts. I dunno, the use of and acceptance of the N word will always be one that will always open up a can of worms, and unless we as Black people unify to either fully embrace it for what it is, or banish it.....then there'll always be these types of arguments! I personally would never refer to myself as a n****r, and I wouldn't expect, want or accept anyone calling me as such. If you feel like referring to my colour, for a good enough reason, then black is what I am....not coloured....other black people may use the word as they wish-I'm not here to judge, nor chastise them for such....but I for one, am not a n***r.
I actually haven't been watching BB since I saw it on launch night, but I tuned in for that episode....the way Emily said it, it did just roll of the tongue like it was nothing....but as soon as it was out, just by the look on her face, when she saw Charley's reaction, she knew she was thinking 'rah, did I just say that out loud??' It wasn't said with a malicious tone, but on a real, it was SO out of the blue, and so NOT in context to anything that was being said, that I think all of that put together made it much worse! There are rules-dunno who wrote em, but I guess the Black folks are the ones enforcing em. What a world we live in!!
On other news, I'm tired as hell.....there's just never enough sleeping time it seems!! Tonight, hooking up with the girlies, to watch BB, the season finale of Ugly Betty *wipes a tear*, and chill for the night!!!
Until next time! Sayonara..xx
Thursday, 7 June 2007
Hey Shawty! What It Do?
I absolutely love that greeting! That and What it do Shawty-which is the same, but just rearranged! I say it all the time-so much so, that this is how my siblings & nephew now greet me!! Damn T-Pain! lol! I'm in love with the US-everyone believes I shoulda been born there! I'm hoping to move out there one of these fine days! Dunno where though, but I like sound of Philly, New York, Florida...dunno why-don't really know the first things about any of these states.....but anywho....
So right now, I'm at work-technically on my lunch break-though honestly I've spent the best part of my day reading other people's blogs!! There are some interesting and very funny people out there!!
I'm sick! I have a cold! I hardly ever get sick, so when I do-I'm really sick! Though this recent bout of gross germs isn't kicking my ass! Thank f**k for that!! As a result of having the lurgies, I haven't done anything interesting really!!
Yesterday I went to the supermarket straight from work for my granny, and then went to her house-where she fed me grilled bacon & fried plantain!! It was baaad!! I swear, no one fries a plantain like Granny!! So we're chilling, watching the soaps-that she updates me on, cos I haven't seen many for a likle while! She then starts talking about my dad!! **rolls eyes....sighs**. I mean, no disrespect to my granny-but all now I can't figure out WHY she thinks I actually care what that man says or does!!!
Anyways, she's telling me that one of my cousin's called him to install a telephone line in her bedroom-and he went down there-went to B & Q for supplies and shit and did it for her. Now when she tells me this, I'm thinking-that stooopid ass mofo!! His niece can call him, and he hops, skippidy jumps and does it-when I ask him, he tells me 'he'll see what he can do'...and well-I guess he never sees....cos he never does!!
Background: Me and my sperm donor have never really had a relationship, and this has gotten even more none existent the older I got. As a teenager-I had that typical-'I hate my mum' thing going on. I used to write in my diary exactly how much, and then one day-yep my mum found it. We had this arguement-and she was like 'oh, you hate me so much, but I'm the one that's been there....you're Dad didn't want you-he wanted me to have an abortion...' Those words cut like a knife, and has never left me. At this point, I didn't have a great relationship with my dayd, but I used to go to his house for weekends every now and then. This changed shortly after. I used to write about how much his daughter annoyed me-and stuff....my mum gave my diary to my granny, who then gave it to my aunty, who gave it to my dad....and we had a 'talk' in which he told me that he loved both me & his daughter the same and how he'd make more of an effort...yadda yadda......Please believe 15 years later-nothing of the sort!!
I used to go to my granny's every weekend-he lives literally around the corner....never saw him!! Last year, he called me and I went mad on him-told him exactly what I thought of him.....he 'apologised' promised things would be different-yep, nothing of the sort!! Turns out he was heading into the church-he's a preacher nor on summink, and he was 'rectifyig' his wrongs, by stirring up all these emotions within me that I had buried-and left me hanging. So as far as I understand, he's entered into the church with a 'clean' slate! I think it's safe to say that I hate him-yeah I know hate's a strong word, but that's how I feel-I can't help it!! Couple months ago he went to South Africa with his church (even though when he called me on my birthday-from some unknown number (he knew I wouldn't have answered otherwise) and told me he'd give me money (even though I hadn't asked) and hasn't mentioned it since) and had a 'great' time.....good ole' granny filled me in!!
Bless my granny-she's old skool, so as far as she's concerned, I'm the child, so I need to make the effort blah blah, and for a minute I tried that, but after a while you kinda realise, what am I doing this for? I don't have the time or energy to entertain fake shit! I'm better than that!! So as a result, I don't see or speak to that waste of space-though I do see his sprog every now and then! She's another one...I don't like her....or her mother.....but I'm not about to get into that!!
So after beign at Granny's I went and picked up my specs....seems I wear my contacts too often, and need to cut back, by wearing specs more. So I got me a pair of FCUK black rimmed ones that came in a really nice glasses case! got home, took out the contacts, put on the Specs.....F**K I'm blind!!! I dunno if it's cos it's a new prescription, cos I haven't worn glasses for a while or just that the optician fucked up and gave me someone else's glasses, but bwoy-I felt like I just got of the waltzer!! things looked kinda big (like bi-focals), and going down the stairs was NO fun!! I'm gonna firm it for a few days-give my eyes some time to adjust to the change....but if shit ain't no better by this time next week-those bad boys are going BACK, and somebody's gonna need to have a look!! I could never drive in those things!! I'd be an accident just waiting to happen!!!
Well anyways, right now, as I've said I;m at work. Lunch break is OFFICIALLY over-but who cares right? I've got shit loads of work to do.....not enough time to do it-though being here wasting time doesn't help.....nose is blocked....and I'm silently pissed cos my replacement N95 hasn't arrived yet-though it shoulda come between 8-1....apparently it'll come this afternoon-and it bloody better 'else T-mobs WILL hear my voice!! Cha!!
Well, I guess I better do some of what I get paid for and sort out a few accounts.....oh the joys of work!!!
So right now, I'm at work-technically on my lunch break-though honestly I've spent the best part of my day reading other people's blogs!! There are some interesting and very funny people out there!!
I'm sick! I have a cold! I hardly ever get sick, so when I do-I'm really sick! Though this recent bout of gross germs isn't kicking my ass! Thank f**k for that!! As a result of having the lurgies, I haven't done anything interesting really!!
Yesterday I went to the supermarket straight from work for my granny, and then went to her house-where she fed me grilled bacon & fried plantain!! It was baaad!! I swear, no one fries a plantain like Granny!! So we're chilling, watching the soaps-that she updates me on, cos I haven't seen many for a likle while! She then starts talking about my dad!! **rolls eyes....sighs**. I mean, no disrespect to my granny-but all now I can't figure out WHY she thinks I actually care what that man says or does!!!
Anyways, she's telling me that one of my cousin's called him to install a telephone line in her bedroom-and he went down there-went to B & Q for supplies and shit and did it for her. Now when she tells me this, I'm thinking-that stooopid ass mofo!! His niece can call him, and he hops, skippidy jumps and does it-when I ask him, he tells me 'he'll see what he can do'...and well-I guess he never sees....cos he never does!!
Background: Me and my sperm donor have never really had a relationship, and this has gotten even more none existent the older I got. As a teenager-I had that typical-'I hate my mum' thing going on. I used to write in my diary exactly how much, and then one day-yep my mum found it. We had this arguement-and she was like 'oh, you hate me so much, but I'm the one that's been there....you're Dad didn't want you-he wanted me to have an abortion...' Those words cut like a knife, and has never left me. At this point, I didn't have a great relationship with my dayd, but I used to go to his house for weekends every now and then. This changed shortly after. I used to write about how much his daughter annoyed me-and stuff....my mum gave my diary to my granny, who then gave it to my aunty, who gave it to my dad....and we had a 'talk' in which he told me that he loved both me & his daughter the same and how he'd make more of an effort...yadda yadda......Please believe 15 years later-nothing of the sort!!
I used to go to my granny's every weekend-he lives literally around the corner....never saw him!! Last year, he called me and I went mad on him-told him exactly what I thought of him.....he 'apologised' promised things would be different-yep, nothing of the sort!! Turns out he was heading into the church-he's a preacher nor on summink, and he was 'rectifyig' his wrongs, by stirring up all these emotions within me that I had buried-and left me hanging. So as far as I understand, he's entered into the church with a 'clean' slate! I think it's safe to say that I hate him-yeah I know hate's a strong word, but that's how I feel-I can't help it!! Couple months ago he went to South Africa with his church (even though when he called me on my birthday-from some unknown number (he knew I wouldn't have answered otherwise) and told me he'd give me money (even though I hadn't asked) and hasn't mentioned it since) and had a 'great' time.....good ole' granny filled me in!!
Bless my granny-she's old skool, so as far as she's concerned, I'm the child, so I need to make the effort blah blah, and for a minute I tried that, but after a while you kinda realise, what am I doing this for? I don't have the time or energy to entertain fake shit! I'm better than that!! So as a result, I don't see or speak to that waste of space-though I do see his sprog every now and then! She's another one...I don't like her....or her mother.....but I'm not about to get into that!!
So after beign at Granny's I went and picked up my specs....seems I wear my contacts too often, and need to cut back, by wearing specs more. So I got me a pair of FCUK black rimmed ones that came in a really nice glasses case! got home, took out the contacts, put on the Specs.....F**K I'm blind!!! I dunno if it's cos it's a new prescription, cos I haven't worn glasses for a while or just that the optician fucked up and gave me someone else's glasses, but bwoy-I felt like I just got of the waltzer!! things looked kinda big (like bi-focals), and going down the stairs was NO fun!! I'm gonna firm it for a few days-give my eyes some time to adjust to the change....but if shit ain't no better by this time next week-those bad boys are going BACK, and somebody's gonna need to have a look!! I could never drive in those things!! I'd be an accident just waiting to happen!!!
Well anyways, right now, as I've said I;m at work. Lunch break is OFFICIALLY over-but who cares right? I've got shit loads of work to do.....not enough time to do it-though being here wasting time doesn't help.....nose is blocked....and I'm silently pissed cos my replacement N95 hasn't arrived yet-though it shoulda come between 8-1....apparently it'll come this afternoon-and it bloody better 'else T-mobs WILL hear my voice!! Cha!!
Well, I guess I better do some of what I get paid for and sort out a few accounts.....oh the joys of work!!!
Tuesday, 5 June 2007
The Round Up
So it's been nearly a weeks since I've updated, and there's been a bit that's happened.
Ok, so last Thursday, after work, my, FE, SFAM & The Top Chick (MTC) met up in Croydon to buy flowers for the funeral on Monday. We went to the flower shop, and chose a really nice white lily spray. It was initially a small design-for a child, but the lady said that she could do it on a bigger scale for the funeral. It was quite an emotional thing-I mean for me, it was the realisation that this is really happening-that my LF's mum has really passed, and that the road ahead would be really hard, and painful! As we were paying for the flowers collectively between us 8 LF's SFAM came down to have a look at the picture-she turned up late & was in such a sour mood! She only said hi to the FE-didn't even look at me, and my SFAM came over and said hi to her, and she gave a pathetic smile. So after she went to look at the flowers, we decided to head to the pub for dinner & a drink. On route, LF's SFAM decided she was going home, and walked off-didn't say anything to anyone. You know when you just think, in light of the reason WHY we came here, and with everything going on you still wanna be dumb? She's still not talking me from when we had that 'honest meetings-no repercussions' thing, and to be honest, and despite the fact that we're all 24 year olds, she still felt the need to act immature! So she left, and we carried on to the pub, and had a good evening.
Friday-work as normal, and later in the evening, me & TTC went to Z Bar in Brixton. Was a seemingly ok night. Couple of wierds-but they're everywhere!!! So we're dancing to Funky House, and this Jamaican dude-who'd been standing beside me the best part of the night watching asks if TTC was my sister. I said no, she's my friend. He was like 'oh-cos I thought she was your girlfriend-is she your girlfriend?' I was like 'Nope' and carried on dancing, he was like 'I dont mean to offend' I was like yeah whatever....See for me, I know what my sexual orientation is-I'm secure in being straight, I'm also fully aware that I am female, and don't feel the need to wear dresses to validate myself as such-so when people think I'm a dude at first looking at me cos of my attire, it's doesn't bother me....cos like I said I'm secure in myself, knowing who and what I am. So anyways I tell TTC, and we start laughing, the dude then comes over again, and is like 'oh I thought she was your girlfriend', so TTC was like 'is he your boyfriend?' meaning his friend.He starts laughing, and then insists that I tell his friend what my friend said, I;m so not interested-more interested in dancing to the tunes that I;m hearing. The dude then decides to swtich and is saying to TTC that she's out of order-now my friend, she's not one to back down from an argument, and is getting heated. I was just like, never mind him! He then walked away....but we left the club shortly after that.
Saturday- Went to my nephew's b'day celebrations @ Pizza Hut...bless him-he had such a good time!! Also hooked up with my LF, her dad & her brother. They were shopping for drinks & things for Monday. It was nice to see her Pops-hadn't seen him for a long time-and he made sure he let me know EXACTLY how long I hadn't seen him!! My bad!! He told me to come round the house at some point before the funeral-so he could tell everyone that his daughters back! Bless him-He's like a dad to me-I wish he really was my dad....my dad's nothing more than a sperm donor-but i'm sure we'll discuss more about him at a later date.....chilled at my gran's for the rest of the evening.
Sunday-went to Covent Gardens with my aunty-spent a packet!! Chilled at my grannys-ate dinner, and then went to my LF's parents house. chilled there for the duration of the email-rolled my ass home after 10-permed my hair.....and went bed-absolutely knackered!!
Monday- morning of the funeral! Hardly slept considering i was so tired, but I was so anxious about the day. Headed to the house. when everyone arrived, the hearse came-I saw the coffin, my chest was tight.....my eyes whelled up. My LF's brother requested for some people from his church to come and say a prayer-there was no church service, so it was what he requested. We said a prayer, but I felt very unhinged about the fact that this preacher woman was going ON AND ON about the fact that they didn't believe in him etc...I thought, you're not being fair. Mrs A wasn't a church goer, and wasn't a hypocrite to want a church funeral, when she never went when she was alive, and this preacher woman, I felt, was trying them feel guilty as a result. And then they were asking if anyone had anything to say, and not many felt like they wanted to say anything, and she made everyone feel bad about that too-I mean, why does it have to be put into words, in order for the amount of pauin & grieve to be validated???? Anywho, went to the cemetry and Mrs A was buried. Her niece sang a song for her-and as she was singing, the sun came out for a minute-it was nice. From the cemetry, we went to the Wake @ a hall. There was nuff food & drink, and me, my SFAM, and another friend helped in the kitchen-by the end of it my feet were KILLING me. Back at my LF's parents house. Chilled there for the rest of the evening. I was emotionally & physically exhausted!! Mrs A had a nice send off, and it was so warming & touching to see the whole family supporting each other the way that they were. It'll be hard, but they'll be ok. We're all gonna be there to support them. Oh, and FE's SFAM realised that there was more to life that her sillyness, and was cool with me. She even hugged me as I was crying at the cemetry. We're cool now I think.......
Right back to work.....
Ok, so last Thursday, after work, my, FE, SFAM & The Top Chick (MTC) met up in Croydon to buy flowers for the funeral on Monday. We went to the flower shop, and chose a really nice white lily spray. It was initially a small design-for a child, but the lady said that she could do it on a bigger scale for the funeral. It was quite an emotional thing-I mean for me, it was the realisation that this is really happening-that my LF's mum has really passed, and that the road ahead would be really hard, and painful! As we were paying for the flowers collectively between us 8 LF's SFAM came down to have a look at the picture-she turned up late & was in such a sour mood! She only said hi to the FE-didn't even look at me, and my SFAM came over and said hi to her, and she gave a pathetic smile. So after she went to look at the flowers, we decided to head to the pub for dinner & a drink. On route, LF's SFAM decided she was going home, and walked off-didn't say anything to anyone. You know when you just think, in light of the reason WHY we came here, and with everything going on you still wanna be dumb? She's still not talking me from when we had that 'honest meetings-no repercussions' thing, and to be honest, and despite the fact that we're all 24 year olds, she still felt the need to act immature! So she left, and we carried on to the pub, and had a good evening.
Friday-work as normal, and later in the evening, me & TTC went to Z Bar in Brixton. Was a seemingly ok night. Couple of wierds-but they're everywhere!!! So we're dancing to Funky House, and this Jamaican dude-who'd been standing beside me the best part of the night watching asks if TTC was my sister. I said no, she's my friend. He was like 'oh-cos I thought she was your girlfriend-is she your girlfriend?' I was like 'Nope' and carried on dancing, he was like 'I dont mean to offend' I was like yeah whatever....See for me, I know what my sexual orientation is-I'm secure in being straight, I'm also fully aware that I am female, and don't feel the need to wear dresses to validate myself as such-so when people think I'm a dude at first looking at me cos of my attire, it's doesn't bother me....cos like I said I'm secure in myself, knowing who and what I am. So anyways I tell TTC, and we start laughing, the dude then comes over again, and is like 'oh I thought she was your girlfriend', so TTC was like 'is he your boyfriend?' meaning his friend.He starts laughing, and then insists that I tell his friend what my friend said, I;m so not interested-more interested in dancing to the tunes that I;m hearing. The dude then decides to swtich and is saying to TTC that she's out of order-now my friend, she's not one to back down from an argument, and is getting heated. I was just like, never mind him! He then walked away....but we left the club shortly after that.
Saturday- Went to my nephew's b'day celebrations @ Pizza Hut...bless him-he had such a good time!! Also hooked up with my LF, her dad & her brother. They were shopping for drinks & things for Monday. It was nice to see her Pops-hadn't seen him for a long time-and he made sure he let me know EXACTLY how long I hadn't seen him!! My bad!! He told me to come round the house at some point before the funeral-so he could tell everyone that his daughters back! Bless him-He's like a dad to me-I wish he really was my dad....my dad's nothing more than a sperm donor-but i'm sure we'll discuss more about him at a later date.....chilled at my gran's for the rest of the evening.
Sunday-went to Covent Gardens with my aunty-spent a packet!! Chilled at my grannys-ate dinner, and then went to my LF's parents house. chilled there for the duration of the email-rolled my ass home after 10-permed my hair.....and went bed-absolutely knackered!!
Monday- morning of the funeral! Hardly slept considering i was so tired, but I was so anxious about the day. Headed to the house. when everyone arrived, the hearse came-I saw the coffin, my chest was tight.....my eyes whelled up. My LF's brother requested for some people from his church to come and say a prayer-there was no church service, so it was what he requested. We said a prayer, but I felt very unhinged about the fact that this preacher woman was going ON AND ON about the fact that they didn't believe in him etc...I thought, you're not being fair. Mrs A wasn't a church goer, and wasn't a hypocrite to want a church funeral, when she never went when she was alive, and this preacher woman, I felt, was trying them feel guilty as a result. And then they were asking if anyone had anything to say, and not many felt like they wanted to say anything, and she made everyone feel bad about that too-I mean, why does it have to be put into words, in order for the amount of pauin & grieve to be validated???? Anywho, went to the cemetry and Mrs A was buried. Her niece sang a song for her-and as she was singing, the sun came out for a minute-it was nice. From the cemetry, we went to the Wake @ a hall. There was nuff food & drink, and me, my SFAM, and another friend helped in the kitchen-by the end of it my feet were KILLING me. Back at my LF's parents house. Chilled there for the rest of the evening. I was emotionally & physically exhausted!! Mrs A had a nice send off, and it was so warming & touching to see the whole family supporting each other the way that they were. It'll be hard, but they'll be ok. We're all gonna be there to support them. Oh, and FE's SFAM realised that there was more to life that her sillyness, and was cool with me. She even hugged me as I was crying at the cemetry. We're cool now I think.......
Right back to work.....
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