Sometimes I wonder why things have happened in my life the way they have. It's easy for me to tell others that it's the way God had planned it...but I have a much harder time believing it at times. Right now is one of those times.
I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a mountain, and all it'll take is a small gust of wind to blow me off. I don't know why, but it just feels like everything is building up on top of me. I don't even know why. I don't even know what's really bothering me. It's probably a combination of things...but on a real, I've been through more stuff than this! I've battled through depression, and suicidal thought, I've battled through the pain and anquish of losing my boy A-went to my first funeral. I was able to be there for my SFAM when her ex boyfriend died...and my LF when her mum died...I mean, I've lost so many people within my life...I've had friends and family walk out on me-turn their backs on me...and I've come through it...I've come through all of that a much stronger person-so why is it that right now, I feel like I have no strength? I'm feeling like my life has no purpose-and that there's no point.
I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself-the thing that's frustrating me right now is I don't even know what the heck is wrong with me. I don't understand how I was fine earlier, and now, as I type this tears are rolling down my cheeks, my heart is hurting, and it feels like my world is crumbling around me.
I can't understand where things seemed to have gone wrong. I'm trying to make sense of my thoughts and feelings right now-but it's just not happening.
Shit...I can't do this...
Wednesday, 18 July 2007
Tuesday, 17 July 2007
Shit Can't Get Worse...Can It??
I'm depressed, I've got a banging headache, I'm in a bad mood.....can you guess where I am? Yup...back at my mum's house and HATING EVERY SECOND!!
Last night, I invited the girlies round to the flat, and we all chilled and had a good time. It felt so right you know? It was like old times...when I had my own place.
This morning, I get up....get ready for work....I'm in such a bad mood already. All day at work I'm not talking to anyone..doesn't help that my Aunty Reddz comes to visit....leave for work. Soon as I pull up outside the house, my mum comes out of the house and asks me to take her to the Police Station. She lent my brother (who by the way has NO license OR insurance) her car-he got pulled by the feds & got arrested as he had no papers. So she had to go to the local station to collect her car keys. So we go up there. I haven't eaten since lunch, so by this point, I've got a headache. After an hour at the station, she gets her keys. I get home...it's like I never left. Everythings exactly the ruddy same....
My mum goes to get her dreads re-twisted so she's gone for hours. In between this time, my uncle who visits like once every week as it now seems comes down. I'm about to go shower-I open my drawer and I see that my Redd cuzns (sanitary towels)have reduced significantly since the last time I was in my drawer. I ask L-she says she only used one, my sister S hasn't seen her Aunty Reddz yet, so I go down to ask my mum. She says yeah it was her. The reason why I'm tryna find out, is cos I hate-and everyone knows this, when people go through my tings...now in the instance of the cuz'ns-I'm not bothered cos you had to use em, I'm annoyed that you didn't say-you made me get mad 1st and had I not have asked, she wouldn't have said. Maybe I'm being petty but shit like this gets on my nerves. I don't say anything though...and I hear her say something about buying em back. I'm not needing her to-it's nothing major though, so I head back to my room to chill.
My mum & my uncle head out somewhere-probably to pick up my brother from the station...but she didn't tell me so I didn't ask. Now, whilst their out my sister's coming up the stairs announcing 'everyone I do-dooo'...now let me take you back a little. My sister turned 3 in June. She's been toilet trained since she was about 1 and a half or so. Now for the past 6 months, she's been shitting in her panties. She will only use the toilet to pee...and that's it. So as soon as she shits-which is a few times a day I may add....she'll boast about what she's done like it's something to be proud of. Now my mum woun't take relevant steps to curb this behaviour. See though my sister is only 3-she's smart as hell! When she's at nursery this DOES NOT HAPPEN! It's only when she's at home or out with my mum. I'm at the point now, where I refuse to entertain her, so when she shits...she has to go tell someone else cos I'm not changing her....bad mind I know, but I'm not tryna deal with it. Now I've mentioned before, that my mum likes to act like a responsible-free woman, so she gets mad when no one wants to change the chile. She can't tell me anything cos I'm not having it.
So anyways, my sister L cleans up T (the 3 yr old) in the end. My mum comes home and she goes to my sister L's room, and she's making all this noise, talking bout how we're gonna have kids of our own, and blah blah (I tuned her out) Not entirely sure what she was fired up about, but to me, instead of getting mad cos no one wants to change her, how about you try and sort out what needs to be to make the dyam chile use the toilet! She KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING! On passing my room she then throws a bag in. I'm thinking what's that? I get up, have a look....yep-my mum bouGHt a pack of Redd cuz'ns.....I just chuckled to myself...as of right now they're still sitting there! Yep-my mum is now fully in 'Operation Petty' mode. I don't have the patience to deal with her!
I'M NOT A CELEBRITY...BUT GET ME OUTTA HERE!!
Lawd knows I can't take this crap no more!!!! So right now, as I've said, I have a headache! My head's feeling like it's about to explode. I just feel so deflated...alone...confused and fed up!
Pray for me blog fam....
Last night, I invited the girlies round to the flat, and we all chilled and had a good time. It felt so right you know? It was like old times...when I had my own place.
This morning, I get up....get ready for work....I'm in such a bad mood already. All day at work I'm not talking to anyone..doesn't help that my Aunty Reddz comes to visit....leave for work. Soon as I pull up outside the house, my mum comes out of the house and asks me to take her to the Police Station. She lent my brother (who by the way has NO license OR insurance) her car-he got pulled by the feds & got arrested as he had no papers. So she had to go to the local station to collect her car keys. So we go up there. I haven't eaten since lunch, so by this point, I've got a headache. After an hour at the station, she gets her keys. I get home...it's like I never left. Everythings exactly the ruddy same....
My mum goes to get her dreads re-twisted so she's gone for hours. In between this time, my uncle who visits like once every week as it now seems comes down. I'm about to go shower-I open my drawer and I see that my Redd cuzns (sanitary towels)have reduced significantly since the last time I was in my drawer. I ask L-she says she only used one, my sister S hasn't seen her Aunty Reddz yet, so I go down to ask my mum. She says yeah it was her. The reason why I'm tryna find out, is cos I hate-and everyone knows this, when people go through my tings...now in the instance of the cuz'ns-I'm not bothered cos you had to use em, I'm annoyed that you didn't say-you made me get mad 1st and had I not have asked, she wouldn't have said. Maybe I'm being petty but shit like this gets on my nerves. I don't say anything though...and I hear her say something about buying em back. I'm not needing her to-it's nothing major though, so I head back to my room to chill.
My mum & my uncle head out somewhere-probably to pick up my brother from the station...but she didn't tell me so I didn't ask. Now, whilst their out my sister's coming up the stairs announcing 'everyone I do-dooo'...now let me take you back a little. My sister turned 3 in June. She's been toilet trained since she was about 1 and a half or so. Now for the past 6 months, she's been shitting in her panties. She will only use the toilet to pee...and that's it. So as soon as she shits-which is a few times a day I may add....she'll boast about what she's done like it's something to be proud of. Now my mum woun't take relevant steps to curb this behaviour. See though my sister is only 3-she's smart as hell! When she's at nursery this DOES NOT HAPPEN! It's only when she's at home or out with my mum. I'm at the point now, where I refuse to entertain her, so when she shits...she has to go tell someone else cos I'm not changing her....bad mind I know, but I'm not tryna deal with it. Now I've mentioned before, that my mum likes to act like a responsible-free woman, so she gets mad when no one wants to change the chile. She can't tell me anything cos I'm not having it.
So anyways, my sister L cleans up T (the 3 yr old) in the end. My mum comes home and she goes to my sister L's room, and she's making all this noise, talking bout how we're gonna have kids of our own, and blah blah (I tuned her out) Not entirely sure what she was fired up about, but to me, instead of getting mad cos no one wants to change her, how about you try and sort out what needs to be to make the dyam chile use the toilet! She KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING! On passing my room she then throws a bag in. I'm thinking what's that? I get up, have a look....yep-my mum bouGHt a pack of Redd cuz'ns.....I just chuckled to myself...as of right now they're still sitting there! Yep-my mum is now fully in 'Operation Petty' mode. I don't have the patience to deal with her!
I'M NOT A CELEBRITY...BUT GET ME OUTTA HERE!!
Lawd knows I can't take this crap no more!!!! So right now, as I've said, I have a headache! My head's feeling like it's about to explode. I just feel so deflated...alone...confused and fed up!
Pray for me blog fam....
Sunday, 15 July 2007
A Night Out
So I just come home from a night out...it's just after 2am...but I'm not tired, so I've figured what's the point in pretending that I am! So I'm sitting in the chair in this flat that I'm looking after watching music vids.
Spent the day with the family today. There was some festival type thing at Lloyd's park, so we all headed down there. I stopped by my house on my way to my sisters to get my bus pass, and when my mum saw me she screwed up her face like she just smelled shit or something....I said hello to her, and she responded-I was gonna ask her why she was looking at me like that, but I figured that would be what she wanted in order to start some ish so I said nothing. Headed out to my sisters house....and it turns out my mum and them lot where heading to the park as well & was meeting at my sisters. About 5 mins after I got to my sister's house, my mum and the kids pulled up. We went to the park-had to get wicked on some people on the tram though! Basically, cos everyone and their dog was heading to the park, we had to let 3 trams go by cos it was too rammed. The 4th tram comes along and I'm determined to get on. We folded up my nephews pram, and my sister was carrying him in the car seat (that clips into the buggy when it's all up)...so the tram comes...it's kinda packed, but there's room. So as the doors open, my sister's tryna get on with my neph, and this stupid smelly little boy (he was about 13) tries to get on before her! I'm not having it! Surely you can see someone with a baby right there! I just my arm out and was like 'nah you wait there' and my sister got on. I then stood so my mum and the kids could get on. My mum was like I'll wait for the next one-i was like nope-get on the tram. Once everyone was on..then some stupid woman behind me WHO COULD SEE WHAT I WAS DOING then says to me'are you getting on love'...I turned to her and said 'yeah in a minute' and that was the end of that! Had to give her attitude cos she was being dumb! Not the time lady it's hot as hell & I'm irritable right now!!! Made it to the park. It was alright...saw bare people from the ends...but overall quite good.
Left early-it was FE's post b'day celebrations and we were heading to Brixton to a little bar...got home and got ready. Picked up my SFAM and headed down there. In true 'us' style, we were late...but in time for food. Two yard men felt the need to overly talk about crap to us until FE's new boyfriend came....then we're all sitting chilling and this dude names Tony decides to sit next to me and talk my ruddy ear off! He was a nice enough guy and all.....and BWOY did he have sweet smelling breath! I was soo surprised...I mean like there was no scent-at all! He was drinking beer, and we were facing each other as he told me a whole plot to some film or another...and people-I couldn't even smell the beer to raas!! He had really nice teeth too....hate to say it but oral hygiene isn't really the greatest out in JA...but this dude had some pretty gnashers! lol! We had some over long conversation about a woman sleeping with a man for a million pounds...I told him I'd never do it...and he's chatting crap & shit bout how if a man propositioned his sister or his girl he'd tell em to go tru and do it....what kinda bull is that? Anywho, he was a nice enough dude with pretty good conversation...he was tryna get at me, but I wasn't having it...he was tryna get us to go Z bar, and after Satay Bar (the one we were in) we did go by Z but it was dead...so we went to Acres. Went to a 'reserved' area...that actually wasn't reserved for us...but the workers there thought it was cos there was so many of us....so we chilled there...drank some drinks and danced to a coupla out skool tunes.
Me & my SFAM left....I dropped her home...and here I am now at this gaff watching TV!
My sis called me a little while ago, saying that she's having really bad back & stomach pains, and that her breasts feel really heavy. She's on these meds & she's taking like 12 tabs a day. I told her to read the leaflet ting that comes with the meds to find out what the side effects of them are...and she's pretty much suffering from them, but the instructions are to contact your doctor if you're experiencing them so I told her call the hospital hot line for advice. They told her that she should get checked out-but they would call her doctor, and the doctor will call her in the next hour or so....fingers crossed she won't have to go back to the hospital for anything...It's funny cos I was actually gonna stay at my mum's tonight, cos it was so close to my SFAM's house, and I couldn't be bothered to drive all the way to this flat...but I remembered I left a window open-and though the flats on the 1st floor, I'm not tryna take any chances...so now I'm here, there's a possibility I'll have to go back to my mums to get my sister to drive up to the hospital. if I have to, then I won't be coming back here-I'll stay at my mums...I can't be dealing with all this driving at this time of the morn!!
Ok...I think that's enough rambling-don't you agree??
I'm Out....Tom_Gurl
Spent the day with the family today. There was some festival type thing at Lloyd's park, so we all headed down there. I stopped by my house on my way to my sisters to get my bus pass, and when my mum saw me she screwed up her face like she just smelled shit or something....I said hello to her, and she responded-I was gonna ask her why she was looking at me like that, but I figured that would be what she wanted in order to start some ish so I said nothing. Headed out to my sisters house....and it turns out my mum and them lot where heading to the park as well & was meeting at my sisters. About 5 mins after I got to my sister's house, my mum and the kids pulled up. We went to the park-had to get wicked on some people on the tram though! Basically, cos everyone and their dog was heading to the park, we had to let 3 trams go by cos it was too rammed. The 4th tram comes along and I'm determined to get on. We folded up my nephews pram, and my sister was carrying him in the car seat (that clips into the buggy when it's all up)...so the tram comes...it's kinda packed, but there's room. So as the doors open, my sister's tryna get on with my neph, and this stupid smelly little boy (he was about 13) tries to get on before her! I'm not having it! Surely you can see someone with a baby right there! I just my arm out and was like 'nah you wait there' and my sister got on. I then stood so my mum and the kids could get on. My mum was like I'll wait for the next one-i was like nope-get on the tram. Once everyone was on..then some stupid woman behind me WHO COULD SEE WHAT I WAS DOING then says to me'are you getting on love'...I turned to her and said 'yeah in a minute' and that was the end of that! Had to give her attitude cos she was being dumb! Not the time lady it's hot as hell & I'm irritable right now!!! Made it to the park. It was alright...saw bare people from the ends...but overall quite good.
Left early-it was FE's post b'day celebrations and we were heading to Brixton to a little bar...got home and got ready. Picked up my SFAM and headed down there. In true 'us' style, we were late...but in time for food. Two yard men felt the need to overly talk about crap to us until FE's new boyfriend came....then we're all sitting chilling and this dude names Tony decides to sit next to me and talk my ruddy ear off! He was a nice enough guy and all.....and BWOY did he have sweet smelling breath! I was soo surprised...I mean like there was no scent-at all! He was drinking beer, and we were facing each other as he told me a whole plot to some film or another...and people-I couldn't even smell the beer to raas!! He had really nice teeth too....hate to say it but oral hygiene isn't really the greatest out in JA...but this dude had some pretty gnashers! lol! We had some over long conversation about a woman sleeping with a man for a million pounds...I told him I'd never do it...and he's chatting crap & shit bout how if a man propositioned his sister or his girl he'd tell em to go tru and do it....what kinda bull is that? Anywho, he was a nice enough dude with pretty good conversation...he was tryna get at me, but I wasn't having it...he was tryna get us to go Z bar, and after Satay Bar (the one we were in) we did go by Z but it was dead...so we went to Acres. Went to a 'reserved' area...that actually wasn't reserved for us...but the workers there thought it was cos there was so many of us....so we chilled there...drank some drinks and danced to a coupla out skool tunes.
Me & my SFAM left....I dropped her home...and here I am now at this gaff watching TV!
My sis called me a little while ago, saying that she's having really bad back & stomach pains, and that her breasts feel really heavy. She's on these meds & she's taking like 12 tabs a day. I told her to read the leaflet ting that comes with the meds to find out what the side effects of them are...and she's pretty much suffering from them, but the instructions are to contact your doctor if you're experiencing them so I told her call the hospital hot line for advice. They told her that she should get checked out-but they would call her doctor, and the doctor will call her in the next hour or so....fingers crossed she won't have to go back to the hospital for anything...It's funny cos I was actually gonna stay at my mum's tonight, cos it was so close to my SFAM's house, and I couldn't be bothered to drive all the way to this flat...but I remembered I left a window open-and though the flats on the 1st floor, I'm not tryna take any chances...so now I'm here, there's a possibility I'll have to go back to my mums to get my sister to drive up to the hospital. if I have to, then I won't be coming back here-I'll stay at my mums...I can't be dealing with all this driving at this time of the morn!!
Ok...I think that's enough rambling-don't you agree??
I'm Out....Tom_Gurl
Friday, 13 July 2007
Friday Randomness...
Firstly, lemme thank you all for the love, support and encouragement over these past few days (in particular)...my sis is doing ok. Just kinda getting on with it...She'll be okay though. She'd thank you too (if she knew of course).
Secondly, thanks to those who have made me feel SOOOOOO bad cos I've had the odd 'stoagie'....I'm back on the quitting band wagon you'll be pleased to know! Thanks for caring! I'm also now drinking loads and loadsa water! Though I curse you all (with love of course) when I need to pee every 2 mins...I know I'll see the results soon enough, and I'll love you forever!!!!
Last night, I stayed at my friend's humble abode for the first time! I was sooo comfortable! It was like it was my own house! I was loving it! My SFAM came down and we had a good old catch up-I haven't really seen her since she came back from holiday, so that was nice. After she left, I headed to bed, but it took me sooo long to fall asleep!! So today I'm dog tired!! When I went back home yesterday to get my clothes, my mum was still in her mood...so when I left I just said 'I'm not sleeping here tonight' and she was like 'ok'...I could hear her brain ticking over wondering what man I was going to stay with! LMAO! Yeah...right!!
Randomness: I watched Fear Factor - mother & son episode...and saw the most disrespectful thing ever! On one of the challenges the mum f'd up the maneuver...and her son shouts at her 'what the f88k are you doing?'...oh-did I mention it was a MOTHER and son episode! I was gobsmacked! I mean, no matter what me and my mum ever have I'd never DREAM of talking to her like that!! She'd slap the black of me! No word of a lie!!
I was watching the news this morning...and there's a couple of 16 yr old girls who told their parents they were going to France on a school trip....they instead went to GHANA, and got stopped at the airport and was found with £300,000 worth of cocaine. Ain't that some shit?!?! My only question (I'm lying here-I've got loads but the main one) is WHY WAS YOUR FAST ASS DOING IN GHANA?!?!?!?!?!?!? These girls claim they were set up...but they were requested to bring back 2 laptops by some man they met in London...he paid their tickets and accomodation. Now SURELY you know that's suspect! The 1st question I woulda asked is why don't YOOOOOUUUU go and get the bags if it's so straight forward homie?! See...Suspect! If found guilty they're looking @ minimum 10 years....in an adult prison....in GHANA!! *WOW*
Moving On.......................
I really like that Sean Kingston song 'Beautiful Girl' there's something about it that kinda sits uncomfortably-but overall I likes it-I saw the vid this morning...the theme's right for the sample used in the song so it kinda goes hand in hand...no comments about Sean himself....
Saw the vid for Keyshia Cole's new song today too....Honestly-am I the ONLY one that thinks Kim looks like that cat woman Jocelyn Wildenstein....ROTFL....ok-so she's not AS bad...but she's not far off! Goodness!! All on the camera tryna look sexy...But anywho-I likes that song-video's alright....
And how shocked was I when I was over @ Concrete Loop getting my daily dose...and I click on the link of some old school pic of E.V.E getting head from a chick.....*wow* wasn't ready for that this morn as I sipped on me tea!!
That's all I have right now! Going to drinks more water! Loves ya all! :-)
P.S. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO it's Friday! (this probably shoulda come 1st but anyways....)
Secondly, thanks to those who have made me feel SOOOOOO bad cos I've had the odd 'stoagie'....I'm back on the quitting band wagon you'll be pleased to know! Thanks for caring! I'm also now drinking loads and loadsa water! Though I curse you all (with love of course) when I need to pee every 2 mins...I know I'll see the results soon enough, and I'll love you forever!!!!
Last night, I stayed at my friend's humble abode for the first time! I was sooo comfortable! It was like it was my own house! I was loving it! My SFAM came down and we had a good old catch up-I haven't really seen her since she came back from holiday, so that was nice. After she left, I headed to bed, but it took me sooo long to fall asleep!! So today I'm dog tired!! When I went back home yesterday to get my clothes, my mum was still in her mood...so when I left I just said 'I'm not sleeping here tonight' and she was like 'ok'...I could hear her brain ticking over wondering what man I was going to stay with! LMAO! Yeah...right!!
Randomness: I watched Fear Factor - mother & son episode...and saw the most disrespectful thing ever! On one of the challenges the mum f'd up the maneuver...and her son shouts at her 'what the f88k are you doing?'...oh-did I mention it was a MOTHER and son episode! I was gobsmacked! I mean, no matter what me and my mum ever have I'd never DREAM of talking to her like that!! She'd slap the black of me! No word of a lie!!
I was watching the news this morning...and there's a couple of 16 yr old girls who told their parents they were going to France on a school trip....they instead went to GHANA, and got stopped at the airport and was found with £300,000 worth of cocaine. Ain't that some shit?!?! My only question (I'm lying here-I've got loads but the main one) is WHY WAS YOUR FAST ASS DOING IN GHANA?!?!?!?!?!?!? These girls claim they were set up...but they were requested to bring back 2 laptops by some man they met in London...he paid their tickets and accomodation. Now SURELY you know that's suspect! The 1st question I woulda asked is why don't YOOOOOUUUU go and get the bags if it's so straight forward homie?! See...Suspect! If found guilty they're looking @ minimum 10 years....in an adult prison....in GHANA!! *WOW*
Moving On.......................
I really like that Sean Kingston song 'Beautiful Girl' there's something about it that kinda sits uncomfortably-but overall I likes it-I saw the vid this morning...the theme's right for the sample used in the song so it kinda goes hand in hand...no comments about Sean himself....
Saw the vid for Keyshia Cole's new song today too....Honestly-am I the ONLY one that thinks Kim looks like that cat woman Jocelyn Wildenstein....ROTFL....ok-so she's not AS bad...but she's not far off! Goodness!! All on the camera tryna look sexy...But anywho-I likes that song-video's alright....
And how shocked was I when I was over @ Concrete Loop getting my daily dose...and I click on the link of some old school pic of E.V.E getting head from a chick.....*wow* wasn't ready for that this morn as I sipped on me tea!!
That's all I have right now! Going to drinks more water! Loves ya all! :-)
P.S. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO it's Friday! (this probably shoulda come 1st but anyways....)
Thursday, 12 July 2007
Quick Update
Came back from the hospital not too long ago. She definately had a miscarriage. There's still some tissue left, so she's on some meds that should take care of that. She'll have to take a pregnancy test in a week, if it's negative, than all's gone but if it's positive she'll have to have an operation...She's doing well though-well as well as can be I guess.
I'm now back at work and I'm a jittering mess! I don't even know why! I've managed to knock over my cup that had this morning's tea in...I've almost knocked over my glass of water (see Ms Diva-I drink water!lol)...I don't even know why I'm like this!! Hopefully it'll pass....cos right now I feel out of control!
I have nothing else to report...so I'm gone (to drink loadsa water!!)
I'm now back at work and I'm a jittering mess! I don't even know why! I've managed to knock over my cup that had this morning's tea in...I've almost knocked over my glass of water (see Ms Diva-I drink water!lol)...I don't even know why I'm like this!! Hopefully it'll pass....cos right now I feel out of control!
I have nothing else to report...so I'm gone (to drink loadsa water!!)
F88ked Up Mindset
My mindset is so off course today! Had an argument with my mum that I could have easily done with out this morning-so that set me off in a bad mood! I've vented already, so I'm not too bad but goodness! Can I get a day when everything just runs right?
Yesterday went out with my team for a 'THANK YOU' dinner at a Turkish restaurant up in London. It was actually really nice. I surprised myself in eating things that I would never normally have...but it was pretty cool. From the restaurant we went to the pub, and had a 'quick'(hour & a half) meeting. Found out interesting things about the company...
It was a pretty good evening out. I don't normally attend work functions-I usually have other things going on at the same time, but it was good to be out and about you know? And the best part of it all is it was FREE!
I drank about 5 glasses of Coke...and I tell ya-it broke my bladder! Every 5 minutes I was bursting to go pee. The journey home was 'fun'..We got the tube back to my workmates flat-I'll be house sitting for her for the next 5 days, and my car was parked outside her house. So we (and her boyfriend whom I met for the 1st time)took the tube back up to her place. For whatever reason, the tube had to wait about 5 minutes at a station-can we say NIGHTMARE! I didn't talk throughout the whole journey, cos I was concentrating so hard to not pee myself. There was this dude at the platform, and he blew a kiss at me *shudders* he was not a thing.....he then got on my carriage, and was walking towards me. Thankfully he didn't stop, but sat where I was in view, and stared at me until he got off. In my head I'm saying 'don't come and talk me....the last thing I can do right now is turn you down politely whilst concentrated on not peeing myself....' Luckily for me, he got off the tube with no problems!!
When I got home my dinner was shared out in a plate on the side in the kitchen. I was kinda surprised cos erm...no one ever shares my dinner out...hmm...interesting! I got home after midnight, so I washed up and went to bed.
This morning, I get up and get ready for work. I have to send something from my home PC to my work email address, so I'm messing about with the PC, and my mum comes to me and says 'if you're not gonna eat dinner can you let me know-this is the 2nd time I've had to throw food in the bin' I thought 'ok, whatever-I'm not even gonna say anything, cos clearly you're fishing for an argument' So I do what I'm doing, go in the kitchen, and the plate is gone. I look in the bin, and the food's in there. So I go to her and ask why she threw the food in the bin, and she was like 'oh there was only a little bit (of lasagne)', I was like, 'yeah, but I could've taken it to work for lunch' and she's like 'well you didn't seem like you was interested' - why-cos I didn't say anything to make you start an argument? She started one anyway moaning about how since Monday I've haven't eaten dinner, and how there's 3 adults in the house, and if she doesn't cook no one does and how she works too, and how she only be cooking for the younger 3 children. I'm mad by this point, cos it's like why we arguing about this? I know she'd be begging to continue something since Monday, but where I haven't been home she's been unable to. I told her that I was messing with her on Monday, but that she decided to take it all wrong to argue....and that I was out with my work peeps yesterday. She's then like 'oh you could've phoned to tell me' I'm like WHY? I've never had to before?? I left her to talk to herself, and I heard her mumbling bout how the money I give her isn't enough & all this crap. But you know what-I'm out soon so you ain't gotta worry bout none of that!. On Monday, after the argument I wasn't tryna eat no dinner, so she could have something to argue about, Tuesday I was the hospital for most of the evening, and grabbed food on my way home, and yesterday I was taken out for dinner! Since I've been back at my mum's house, I've never had to say whether I'm coming home for dinner or not, so why all of a sudden do I have to-if that's what you want LET ME KNOW! I'm supposed to automatically know shit's changing WITHOUT you saying so? I mean, yes I'm grateful that she cooks dinner-I mean they're HER kids! Shoot-I don't have to eat dinner-I can have tea and toast and be cool for the night! It's not my responsibility to feed your kids, and I do help out throughout the house in other ways than cooking. I mean, when I come home from a 9 hour shift that LAST thing I wanna do is cook big bwoy dinner-and if I do, I'm not gonna start cooking up soon as I walk through the door...I like to rest a little first!! And the funniest thing that she said was that cos of me not eating dinner, she's had to throw food away...SHE DOES THIS EVERY FRICKING DAY! My mum likes to cook like she's feeding the 5,000...so more often than not, there's food being thrown away-don't try and put that shit on me!
I'm so fed up, I've had enough of my mum and her pettiness! She loves an argument, and she seems to love picking it with me. But I'm not in it man!I don't need or want the hype in my life man-it's not for me. I'm looking tirelessly for a flat...thankfully I'll be out at my friend's for the next 5 days, and then when I get back, it'll be a few weeks before I'm out permanently....I'm just hoping for no more madness between no and then, cos I can't be dealing with it.
On other news, my sister has a scan today at 1.30 to check that everything that is meant to be out as a result of her miscarriage is out. I dunno why, but a part of me is hoping that somehow or someway it wasn't a miscarriage...I don't even know why, cos she's not wanting to have a kid now...but a miscarriage is just so traumatic....I don't even know what I'm tryna say...
More news: My face hass still got the stupis rash! It's almost like it's getting worse-it may not be, but it damn sure isn't getting better! I can't be dealing with this either!
Fuck it all man...I can't be bothered.
Yesterday went out with my team for a 'THANK YOU' dinner at a Turkish restaurant up in London. It was actually really nice. I surprised myself in eating things that I would never normally have...but it was pretty cool. From the restaurant we went to the pub, and had a 'quick'(hour & a half) meeting. Found out interesting things about the company...
It was a pretty good evening out. I don't normally attend work functions-I usually have other things going on at the same time, but it was good to be out and about you know? And the best part of it all is it was FREE!
I drank about 5 glasses of Coke...and I tell ya-it broke my bladder! Every 5 minutes I was bursting to go pee. The journey home was 'fun'..We got the tube back to my workmates flat-I'll be house sitting for her for the next 5 days, and my car was parked outside her house. So we (and her boyfriend whom I met for the 1st time)took the tube back up to her place. For whatever reason, the tube had to wait about 5 minutes at a station-can we say NIGHTMARE! I didn't talk throughout the whole journey, cos I was concentrating so hard to not pee myself. There was this dude at the platform, and he blew a kiss at me *shudders* he was not a thing.....he then got on my carriage, and was walking towards me. Thankfully he didn't stop, but sat where I was in view, and stared at me until he got off. In my head I'm saying 'don't come and talk me....the last thing I can do right now is turn you down politely whilst concentrated on not peeing myself....' Luckily for me, he got off the tube with no problems!!
When I got home my dinner was shared out in a plate on the side in the kitchen. I was kinda surprised cos erm...no one ever shares my dinner out...hmm...interesting! I got home after midnight, so I washed up and went to bed.
This morning, I get up and get ready for work. I have to send something from my home PC to my work email address, so I'm messing about with the PC, and my mum comes to me and says 'if you're not gonna eat dinner can you let me know-this is the 2nd time I've had to throw food in the bin' I thought 'ok, whatever-I'm not even gonna say anything, cos clearly you're fishing for an argument' So I do what I'm doing, go in the kitchen, and the plate is gone. I look in the bin, and the food's in there. So I go to her and ask why she threw the food in the bin, and she was like 'oh there was only a little bit (of lasagne)', I was like, 'yeah, but I could've taken it to work for lunch' and she's like 'well you didn't seem like you was interested' - why-cos I didn't say anything to make you start an argument? She started one anyway moaning about how since Monday I've haven't eaten dinner, and how there's 3 adults in the house, and if she doesn't cook no one does and how she works too, and how she only be cooking for the younger 3 children. I'm mad by this point, cos it's like why we arguing about this? I know she'd be begging to continue something since Monday, but where I haven't been home she's been unable to. I told her that I was messing with her on Monday, but that she decided to take it all wrong to argue....and that I was out with my work peeps yesterday. She's then like 'oh you could've phoned to tell me' I'm like WHY? I've never had to before?? I left her to talk to herself, and I heard her mumbling bout how the money I give her isn't enough & all this crap. But you know what-I'm out soon so you ain't gotta worry bout none of that!. On Monday, after the argument I wasn't tryna eat no dinner, so she could have something to argue about, Tuesday I was the hospital for most of the evening, and grabbed food on my way home, and yesterday I was taken out for dinner! Since I've been back at my mum's house, I've never had to say whether I'm coming home for dinner or not, so why all of a sudden do I have to-if that's what you want LET ME KNOW! I'm supposed to automatically know shit's changing WITHOUT you saying so? I mean, yes I'm grateful that she cooks dinner-I mean they're HER kids! Shoot-I don't have to eat dinner-I can have tea and toast and be cool for the night! It's not my responsibility to feed your kids, and I do help out throughout the house in other ways than cooking. I mean, when I come home from a 9 hour shift that LAST thing I wanna do is cook big bwoy dinner-and if I do, I'm not gonna start cooking up soon as I walk through the door...I like to rest a little first!! And the funniest thing that she said was that cos of me not eating dinner, she's had to throw food away...SHE DOES THIS EVERY FRICKING DAY! My mum likes to cook like she's feeding the 5,000...so more often than not, there's food being thrown away-don't try and put that shit on me!
I'm so fed up, I've had enough of my mum and her pettiness! She loves an argument, and she seems to love picking it with me. But I'm not in it man!I don't need or want the hype in my life man-it's not for me. I'm looking tirelessly for a flat...thankfully I'll be out at my friend's for the next 5 days, and then when I get back, it'll be a few weeks before I'm out permanently....I'm just hoping for no more madness between no and then, cos I can't be dealing with it.
On other news, my sister has a scan today at 1.30 to check that everything that is meant to be out as a result of her miscarriage is out. I dunno why, but a part of me is hoping that somehow or someway it wasn't a miscarriage...I don't even know why, cos she's not wanting to have a kid now...but a miscarriage is just so traumatic....I don't even know what I'm tryna say...
More news: My face hass still got the stupis rash! It's almost like it's getting worse-it may not be, but it damn sure isn't getting better! I can't be dealing with this either!
Fuck it all man...I can't be bothered.
Tuesday, 10 July 2007
A Life Not Meant To Be
Ok, so I'd plan on having this post be about the fact that my day wasn't the greatest...but what's happened today is on such a grander scale, that it's not even worth mentioning what happened earlier.
So I'm home from work, and I'm chilling in my room. I'm in a mood, and not really in the mood for anyone or anything. My sister L calls me from her bedroom, but I can't hear her and I can't be bothered to get up. She calls me on my mobile, and it sounds like she's crying. She asks me to come to her room. So I head to her room-kinda nervous, cos I'm thinking what's happening. Go into her room, and shut the door. She's over by her bed, and she's crying. She mumbles something. I'm like what did you say? She says I just had a miscarriage. I'm standing there-looking at her dumbfounded! In my head I'm thinking, did she just say miscarriage? That means she was pregnant. It's like she read my mind, cos she then tells me that she was pregnant. 5 weeks gone. She said that she had planned to have an abortion this coming Friday. I was in absolute shock! She found out last week. She didn't tell me cos she figured I'd tell my older sister-who in turn would have told my mum. She had told her boyfriend, and her best friend. Turns out the condom split-she said that she had taken the morning after pill-but evidently it didn't do the trick. She told me that she had been bleeding pretty much all day, but she had just go to the bathroom, and had seen, what is now known to be the foetus in the toilet.
I was like-you have to tell someone-like mum or N (my older sis) but she didn't want to. I suggested we called the hospital hot line to find out what to do next. They said to call the emergency doctor, and then take it from there. Did that, and was advised to go to Accident & Emergency department at the hospital. So I took her-told my mum we were heading to my aunts house.
We go to the hospital, and after much wait, she gets seen by the triage nurse. Now this lady-hmm....I could have quite easily have slapped her upside her head. She would be asking my sister a question, but be looking at me to answer it. Erm-who's the patient here? There was constantly nurses coming in and out of the room as well, and that was getting on my nerves...I mean, whatever happened to a confidentiality? anyways, after seeing this nurse, she has bloods taken, and then we wait to be seen by the doctor. When she is eventually seen....she asks my sister some questions, and it's apparent that she has had a miscarriage. The doctor just seemed really insensitive about the whole situation. I mean, it's my sister's 1st pregnancy, she's just miscarried-regardless of what her future plans were, and there was no offer of anything-no counselling...nothing. She said that my sister should get a call tomorrow to come back to the hospital for a scan to check that what should now be out has done so. She was then allowed to go home.
So now I'm home, I still can't believe that what has happened really has. I mean, my lil 18 year old sister was pregnant y'all. And the type of relationship that we have collectively, made her feel like she couldn't come to one of us to let us know. She was gonna have an abortion and deal with whatever comes with that on her own. It was her friend that told her to tell someone about the miscarriage-and I'm glad she told me. We've been able to talk on a level this evening...but it's a shame that it's something like this that's brought us here. I asked her how she felt. She said that she was happy that it's happened this way-so that she didn't have to have the abortion, but was sad at the same time, cos she'd miscarried. That there was no option to change her mind about wanting the baby. She was wondering why her. I told her that this situation is one that no one can explain. That just because she had this abortion does not mean that she was guaranteed to have another in the future. That the fact that she had a miscarriage may make things easier to deal with, because it was something that she couldn't control, whereas with the abortion there would be alot more guilt etc involved. She understood what I meant...I mean I've not been pregnant, has a miscarriage nor an abortion so I can't say what kinda feelings one would feel...but I told her that if she decided to tell my mum or my sister, that it was up to her-....that I wouldn't tell if/when she does, I'll get cussed for not saying something-but you know it's whatever..I'm willing to deal with being the scum of the earth and hearing the cussing. I'd do that fo my lil si and that if she ever wanted to talk about anything I'd be there. I told her that I'd be there when she goes to the scan.
Now do you guys think I'm wrong for not telling my mum about what's happened? Bearing in mind, that I don't want my sister to not trust me with things-I mean if she was willing to go though an abortion without telling any of us, what else could she potentially go through and feel like she has no one to tell. I want her to feel that she can come to me. Not only that, but none of us really have a great relationship with my mum, There's so many things that could be said about this, but it's too long to really go into-so for right now, I won't. A part of me is trying to put myself in my mum's shoes, to think that my daughter had gone through something like this, but not told me...but again, looking back to things that have happened in the past, my mum hasn't really been one for 'support'. I can more see things from my sister's side...I mean, no one knows about Mr Man, it's so much easier not to say... It's this relationship that we have where we feel like we can't share our personals with our immediate fam. What do you guys think? Am I wrong for upholding my sister's confidence or should I betray that just because in normal situations, girls tell their mums about things like this? Whaddya reckon?
I just ask you guys to pray for my sister's healing....
Tom_Gurl
So I'm home from work, and I'm chilling in my room. I'm in a mood, and not really in the mood for anyone or anything. My sister L calls me from her bedroom, but I can't hear her and I can't be bothered to get up. She calls me on my mobile, and it sounds like she's crying. She asks me to come to her room. So I head to her room-kinda nervous, cos I'm thinking what's happening. Go into her room, and shut the door. She's over by her bed, and she's crying. She mumbles something. I'm like what did you say? She says I just had a miscarriage. I'm standing there-looking at her dumbfounded! In my head I'm thinking, did she just say miscarriage? That means she was pregnant. It's like she read my mind, cos she then tells me that she was pregnant. 5 weeks gone. She said that she had planned to have an abortion this coming Friday. I was in absolute shock! She found out last week. She didn't tell me cos she figured I'd tell my older sister-who in turn would have told my mum. She had told her boyfriend, and her best friend. Turns out the condom split-she said that she had taken the morning after pill-but evidently it didn't do the trick. She told me that she had been bleeding pretty much all day, but she had just go to the bathroom, and had seen, what is now known to be the foetus in the toilet.
I was like-you have to tell someone-like mum or N (my older sis) but she didn't want to. I suggested we called the hospital hot line to find out what to do next. They said to call the emergency doctor, and then take it from there. Did that, and was advised to go to Accident & Emergency department at the hospital. So I took her-told my mum we were heading to my aunts house.
We go to the hospital, and after much wait, she gets seen by the triage nurse. Now this lady-hmm....I could have quite easily have slapped her upside her head. She would be asking my sister a question, but be looking at me to answer it. Erm-who's the patient here? There was constantly nurses coming in and out of the room as well, and that was getting on my nerves...I mean, whatever happened to a confidentiality? anyways, after seeing this nurse, she has bloods taken, and then we wait to be seen by the doctor. When she is eventually seen....she asks my sister some questions, and it's apparent that she has had a miscarriage. The doctor just seemed really insensitive about the whole situation. I mean, it's my sister's 1st pregnancy, she's just miscarried-regardless of what her future plans were, and there was no offer of anything-no counselling...nothing. She said that my sister should get a call tomorrow to come back to the hospital for a scan to check that what should now be out has done so. She was then allowed to go home.
So now I'm home, I still can't believe that what has happened really has. I mean, my lil 18 year old sister was pregnant y'all. And the type of relationship that we have collectively, made her feel like she couldn't come to one of us to let us know. She was gonna have an abortion and deal with whatever comes with that on her own. It was her friend that told her to tell someone about the miscarriage-and I'm glad she told me. We've been able to talk on a level this evening...but it's a shame that it's something like this that's brought us here. I asked her how she felt. She said that she was happy that it's happened this way-so that she didn't have to have the abortion, but was sad at the same time, cos she'd miscarried. That there was no option to change her mind about wanting the baby. She was wondering why her. I told her that this situation is one that no one can explain. That just because she had this abortion does not mean that she was guaranteed to have another in the future. That the fact that she had a miscarriage may make things easier to deal with, because it was something that she couldn't control, whereas with the abortion there would be alot more guilt etc involved. She understood what I meant...I mean I've not been pregnant, has a miscarriage nor an abortion so I can't say what kinda feelings one would feel...but I told her that if she decided to tell my mum or my sister, that it was up to her-....that I wouldn't tell if/when she does, I'll get cussed for not saying something-but you know it's whatever..I'm willing to deal with being the scum of the earth and hearing the cussing. I'd do that fo my lil si and that if she ever wanted to talk about anything I'd be there. I told her that I'd be there when she goes to the scan.
Now do you guys think I'm wrong for not telling my mum about what's happened? Bearing in mind, that I don't want my sister to not trust me with things-I mean if she was willing to go though an abortion without telling any of us, what else could she potentially go through and feel like she has no one to tell. I want her to feel that she can come to me. Not only that, but none of us really have a great relationship with my mum, There's so many things that could be said about this, but it's too long to really go into-so for right now, I won't. A part of me is trying to put myself in my mum's shoes, to think that my daughter had gone through something like this, but not told me...but again, looking back to things that have happened in the past, my mum hasn't really been one for 'support'. I can more see things from my sister's side...I mean, no one knows about Mr Man, it's so much easier not to say... It's this relationship that we have where we feel like we can't share our personals with our immediate fam. What do you guys think? Am I wrong for upholding my sister's confidence or should I betray that just because in normal situations, girls tell their mums about things like this? Whaddya reckon?
I just ask you guys to pray for my sister's healing....
Tom_Gurl
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