Still Not Smoking....

Ok, so this is the start of the full 2nd day of no smoking, and so far it's going pretty well (I use this term VERY loosely). I was talking with my friend outside work this morning, and she was smoking-so I told her that I'd have to talk to here later, cos I was very tempted to get a cigarette off her! But I'mma put my willpower to good use, and resist!

Last night, my mum decides she's going out....I'm in bed by this point. About 2 hours later, my little sister (who just turned 3) comes wondering into my room, half asleep moaning for my mum. I was like, she's not here-and then put her in my bed. That, my dear friends was the biggest mistake of the night! Lemme take you back real quick about 2 years ago, I used to share a house. I had to leave my then employment as it was a temporary job, and the contract was up. This came about 3 months before I was due to go to Cuba...so after much discussion with my mum, it was decided that I'd move back home, until after my holiday, and I'd then move again. Cos I'd been out of the family home for so long, I lost all rights to my own room! Now 2 years later, I'm still at home, sharing a room, and sleeping on a single bed...

So my sister's now in my bed....and as I've mentioned it's a single bed. Now on the weekends, I don't mind her kipping in with me, but NOT when I've got work the next day!!!! This girl had her feet all up in my head, I was hanging off the bed at many points during the night....I barely slept! And then she had the CHEEK to wake up at 5.30 talking bout she wants tea. I just told her to go downstairs and ask her mum star! A wha yu tek dis ting fa? She's a joker-I swear down.....she's had a good sleep, and now wants me to interrupt my already broken sleep to go downstairs throughout the cold house (cos it's June, and no it's not meant to be summer cos this is England after all!) to make tea! Get outta here!! She promptly fell asleep after that, and didn't wake up until I did an hour and a half later...

Speaking of crusty weather, there's been FLOODING in parts of England. 4 people have DIED..I mean, what kinda crap is that? Technically it's summer, so there should be some sun...ha-fat chance! Rain, rain and more rain. Thankfully though, London isn't flooding, but fuck me if it isn't depressing as hell!! I've already decided that I wasn't made for England- I need to be in warmer climates-I'm just built like that, so I know I'm not retiring in the United of Kingdom.....!

Two of my girlies came back from holiday yesterday. They went to Malia, and from what I'm hearing it was nothing hype! Pure heads from around the way were there...fights everyday, and on the Monday one boy got glassed in the face, and another got stabbed...but the highlight of the holiday was chilling with Heartless Crew-they're a sound/crew....they were really big back in the day, but you don't really hear much of them these days, but they're sick nonetheless....old skool garage was the shit!!!!!

On other news- I broke it off with Mr Man. The post that I had a few days ago (Rambling, Ranting, Raving.)(dunno how to get it as a link) where I had all those questions & Black Southern Girl said maybe I should let it go....and since then I'd been thinking alot about the situation....and it was yesterday that I realised that I wasn't happy with the way things were. So I text him telling him that I wasn't happy, and that our situation wasn't working....Haven't heard back from him, but then there's that possibility that he didn't get it....and besides I guess breaking up over text is a punk ass thing to do right..? So I'm gonna call him tonight, and tell him, but be strong, cos it's hearing his voice that makes me forget I was mad & shit....I hate to do this, but to be honest I hate the feeling that my life is just dangling mid air-like I can't move forward cos everythings so unsure....I mean, how do you break up with someone???? I swear I chose the wrong time to quit!

I need a cigarette!! Just drank a cuppa tea (cos I'm a Brit of course), and usually following a cuppa, is a cigarette....but not today....cos I'm quitting.....*going to kick rocks* (Thanks C.I lol)

Hangover & Random Ish

I think I have a hangover!! My mum made Guiness Punch that was TOO good, and I only had 2 cups I swear...but I'm such a lightweight! I was dead to the world-didn't hear the alarm this morning, and was very nearly late for work! Woke up to a banging headache, and an ill feeling stomach, but it was worth it-that punch was too good!!

Can I just take this time to say I have blog friends! Ok, lemme rephrase, I have comments on MY blog! How great is that!! As you can tell, the smallest things make me happy lol!! It's interesting to know that someone has read what I've said & commented on it! I'm so happy! lol!! I know, I need to get out more! But hellooooo to everyone reading! Ok, I'm done now!

As I always seem to be when I blog, I'm at work, and yep-avoiding doing work. All now I don't know why I can't get paid to just do nothing! It's not like I love the job or anything! But yep, as I'm not getting paid to do nothing, I've actually gotta go do something-can't afford to be jobless....I'm tryna be outta my mum's house by August (erm....yea....not looking hopeful, but she don't know that), and I'm looking for flats & ting, but I'm not looking tooooo hard, cos I won't have any cash money till August, and if I find a flat that's gone by the time I ready to move in I'll be hella pissed! I've also gotta try and save some money to get onto this Music engineering course. I'm hoping to get into it by December, but to be honest I doubt it-so January is what I'm REALLY aiming for. Shoot, I need a 2nd job-fuck knows how I'mma do it all, but I'm thinking if I get the 2nd job just til January, and then everything'll be alright....that's the plan anyways.

So this is the 1st actual day of trying this non smoking thing. And of course, all I can think about and all I want is a bloody cigarette! Ain't that a bitch? As soon as I tell myself I'm gonna quit, all I wanna do is smoke! Fuck!!!! Now as I think more about this, I'm working myself into a mood-so I'mma stop now!! I'm gonna put a 'don't even ask how it's going' sticker on my wall chart, cos now I'm just mad!!!

Saw on GMTV this morning, that that Paris Hilton one is coming out of jail. Whooptee-fuckingdoo....I mean, who really cares about that chick? And haha-who actually thought she'd do her full jail sentence!!! Nope-me either!! She's not getting any more air time on this here blog, so that's the enda that!!

Well, I'm gonna do some work, and NOT think about smoking..........................................................................................................................................................see how easy it is! :( (NOT!!!)....I soon come back....

Monday....

Right now, I'm at work and I've hardly done any work-been too busy reading the blogs of the wonderful people out there in Blogland. It's interesting to see the things that other people go through that makes you think ' I know what you mean', or as I've found today, have been able to get some inspiration.

Today, my friend's new born bubby is having a heart op. He was born on Friday, and was transferred straight to Great Ormond Street hospital, where he's been ever since. I'm praying hard for the little mite's full speedy recovery. It's a hard time for my friend and her husband...and to some extent I know how they feel. My nephew had to have a heart operation when he was a few months old. But unlike little Yasin (that my friend's bubby), the doctors didn't operate straight away. They were aware of his heart condition, but when he had his check up, they told my sister that the problem had rectified itself-but of course that was not the case. He's 9 now, and fighting fit, though he has to have checkups often....but it's a very stressful and scary time, when the doctors are telling you the extend of the problem....I'll be praying for them.

I watched bits and pieces of 'The Last Days of Left Eye', that came on VH1 yesterday. I had read bits of this on other blogs & sites, but watching what I watched of it, I saw Lisa in a different light. I know people have said the same, but the wierdest thing is I can't explain it. It was nuts seeing the footage just before that fatal accident. I mean I'm watching it, thinking, shit in a couple minutes you're gonna be dead-and you don't even know it. And then when the car started going out of control and every one was like 'oh shit oh shit' but my body just went cold. I got the vibe though, that Lisa knew she was gonna die....I could be wrong, but that's what I got from the parts that I saw-I need to sit and watch it proper-whenever it comes back around...

The phones are blowing off the hook, and it's annoying the crap outta me-I know I'm at work and it's my job and all, but goodness-can't I get a minutes piece? Goodness!!!

I've decided to quit smoking-for real this time. This in in anticipation of July 1st, where it'll be illegal to smoke practically everywhere! It sucks, but I guess not getting a £50 fine is enough motivation to get me on track! I smoked my last 2 cigarettes this morning whilst stuck in traffic, and swiped another one from my friend at lunch time, and my chest is not happy right now! I guess I'm being reminded that I have asthma!! but from tomorrow I'm getting serious! I've got my little wall chart to monitor how I go each day-fingers crossed! The longest I've quit for was 3 months...but then my aunt died, and my god brother got stabbed, and I needed a coping mechanism-but this time I'm determined to get it right....no relapsing! I'm gonna be in some shitty moods bwoy!!!

It turns out that my friend's cousin who got killed last week was only trying to break up a fight. She wasn't involved in the beef at all-she was defending her pregnant friend or something like that. Fighting over man apparently. The girl that stabbed her is being charged with murder-was only 18 herself! So that's her life up the pisser too! I mean, what MAN is really worth you spending years in prison, what man is so important that you're gonna take someone else's live-cos lets be real, if you're coming to a fight with a knife you're intending to do some damage to someone -I lie?? Furthermore, what man is worth fighting over? Nah fuck that...if he's wanting someone else, 'mek 'im gwarn'! As it's said by the dancehall artist Spice ' me's a gal me nuh fight ova man!'...and that's the truth!! The girl's family are so broken by this (understandably), and it's hard to say whether they can take comfort in knowing that she died defending someone, breaking up a fight that had nothing to do with her and that she wasn't into the whole hype of beefing for stupidness!! From what I've read of the tributes from those that did know her, she was a sweet girl, who loved life, family & friends-she was always smiling, and was ambitious. She had her whole life ahead of her, and it's been cut short doing what she always did-look out for people. So right now, before I leave, I just wanna say Rest In Eternal Peace Sian Simpson. God needed another Angel, so be safe under God's wing, and watch over your family and friends.

Dear Father

It's taken many attempts to finally complete this letter. See, I've been thinking alot recently about you, about the hurt and pain I feel in my heart when I think of you and our non-existent relationship, and it's now, I've decided that I no longer want to feel this way & that I can actually take steps to fully rid myself of these feelings. Writing this letter is a small step. I've finally accepted the fact that we will never have a relationship, so I'm now working towards a happier me.

Back in the day, you used to take me to stay at your house every wekend. I remember when I was around 4 or 5, and I used to love running up and down the street outside your house-Granny has the picture still-I look at it with warmth in my heart. I remember when you bought me my 1st 2 wheeled bike. Looking back, it was so far from being a girlie bike - guess even then I was 'tom-boyish'-but I was your little princess (who hated dresses). My bike had the coolest gadgets on-and made the weirdest noises-I remember my sister & brother were jealous cos I had the baddest bike on the estate. When you gave me the bike, I gave you a hug and a kiss-I think that's the only hug & kiss I ever gave/had from you.

Shortly after my 6th birthday, your wife had a baby. The new arrival didn't phase me. I was used to having to share the attention-I knew that it didn't matter, cos I was still the no dress wearing princess.

As time went on, you would still pick me up from my house-but instead of going to your house, you would drop me off to Granny's house. I didn't mind though cos I loved being there. I loved my granny & aunty like they were my mum, and loved & climbed all over Gramps like he was you. By this point, I would only see you on Friday & Sunday when you would pick me up and take me back home.

Slowly, we stopped being the dynamic duo we once were-it was just me...and you. I only came to your house when I asked to-it was like you stopped wanting me to. I guess I realised the difference in you-so I didn't ask to be at your house very often. I guess cos you had another princess-one who would wear dresses you didn't need me anymore.

As I grew older, I saw you even less. Granny would come for me on Fridays and I'd stay there all weekend. And even though you only lived around the corner, I rarely saw you.

As I turned into a teen, me and mum would argue often. I was so unhappy at home-you knew this, and not once did you ever ask me how I was coping or offer for me to stay with you. I felt so alone, I contemplated suicide-my friends managed to convince me that my life was worth living.

Once, I asked to stay at your house for the week. You let me. It was during this week that I had my 1st asthma attack-at school, and I got taken to hospital. They tried to call you-but couldn't get hold of you, Mum met met me at the hospital, and hours later you took me back to your house. I was upset that you wasn't there, but I didn't show it. You told me that I could stay off from school the next day-but I'd be home with your wife-I'd rather be at school! You see, ever since your daughter was born, your wife became the typical 'wicked step-mother'. When you were about she was nice as pie, but as soon as you were gone she was a complete bitch. And that time she sat opposite me on the bus that day and totally ignored me-and she denied it, and you believed her over me, that really hurt. Cos she really did act like she didn't know me-but you defended her-and called me a liar.

Remember the diary I had that Mum found and read all the horrible stuff I used to write about her? When she found it, she was so mad at me. She told me I was hating the wrong person. That you didn't want me-you wanted her to abort me. Those words cut like a knife. I honestly felt like the world as I knew it had crumbled. Slowly things started to make sense. You changed towards me when your daughter came about-the child you really wanted. I was the one you didn't want. The one you wished was never born. Mum gave Granny my diary. You read it, and told me that you loved me and your daughter the same-that you'd make more of an effort with me. But you didn't. That was the 1st and last time I ever heard you use the word love in the same sentence when referring to me.

When I left school, I went to live with Aunty. You helped me move my stuff-but I never saw you much after that. I carried on with my life, but the unresolved issue of being unwanted never went away. You never reassured me that I really was what you wanted. You were always the perfect dad in public, but in reality you never were. You never had time for me.

When I got my GCSE grades-ones that I was very proud of, you shut me down. Told me that I could have done better. I had the grades to do the highest level of the course that I applied for-but that didn't matter to you. I was a failure in your eyes. When your daughter got her results 2 years later, you called me to tell me how proud of her you were. I'd just completed my course at this point. Got a Merit grade-the equivalent to 2 A-Levels, but you didn't tell me how proud you were of me. This confirmed that I couldn't do anything to please you-to make you proud of me. All I wanted was for you to be proud of what I'd accomplished-for you to see that my mum keeping me was a good decision,cos you'd have a daughter you was proud to have.

I moved out on my own. Lived in 3 different flats since-and never one did you come and see where I was living. Never did you show an interest. For all you knew, I could have been sleeping in a shit hole, and you'd be none the wiser. I paid my way through drivin lessons-failed 3 times and never did you offer words of encouragement to keep trying. When I passed, you yapped on about how happy you were. I've got a new car-but you have taken no interest in knowing what it is-or even if it's a piece of junk!

Last year, me and my girls had planned a really nice day out. It was summer, and the weather was nice. We were heading to the park for a picnic, and to chill. On the way there, I had a wierd feeing that I couldn't shake. I can't describe it, but I didn't like the feeling I had. Then my phone rings-and it was you:
'Hi Dad'
'Hi Stranger'
'Wow'
'What?'
'I'm just shocked-I haven't heard from you in ages'
'Well you haven't called me! I'm the dad'
And it was here I totally lost it. I told you of all the hurt and pain I'd had stored in my heart for all of these years, and how it had affected me. You apologised, said you'd do better, and you'd call me another time. I was angry at myself for allowing you to get me so angry & upset. A few weeks later, I find out that you were going into the church, and you calling me was your way of 'wipng the slate clean' So that right there, you calling me on that day showed me that it wasn't for me-or for us, but was for you. And whist you were an elder in the church-being the 'great' christian, I was left picking up the pieces to the world that went crazy with the emotions that you opened up. I had told myself years before that I didn't need you in my life, but when you told me you'd make the effort somewhere within me hoped you'd stay true to your word and be there for me. Hang out with me-talk with me. But of course those were just words to satisfy you. How dumb was I for thinking you'd really want to be in my life?

I've seen that you are who you are. I see you can't love me the way a father should love his child. I've accepted the fact that you will never be my 'dad', always the man who's sperm helped to make me. A father by name sake.

I've realised that carrying all this pain in my heart does nothing but hurt me. It has stopped me from moving forward. And even as I write this letter with tears in my eyes I now know that I deserve love and that these tears that fall down my cheeks are no longer ones of sadness, but are tears of determination and courage. I refuse to allow you to hurt me. I will strive to be the best that I can be, to be proud of me, and most importantly to love me. I will find the happiness that I deserve, have the man who'll love me for me & whom I can love without measuring his faults up to yours. I'll have my family & be damn sure that my child will not suffer the way I have.

So you can continue to live your life with your family. I hope you are happy. I for one, am getting to a happy place-one where I can love wholeheartedly, and not punish others (men in particular) for what I feel are your wrongdoings.

Sincerely

Tom_Gurl

Bored!

I had big plans today, to sleep in. No such luck! Was up at like 10am-which is early to me on weekends!! Yesterday I hoovered out my car, so this morning, I figured, as it's a nice enough morning, and the inside of my car is spanking, lemme wash it. So I washed my car. I polish it all up. Go inside, to start my ironing-wouldya know? It's starts raining! And it's not any little drizzling rain, it's big muthafucking downpour! Ain't that a bitch?

Went out on the road-I just needed a quick cigarette (my fam don't officially know that I smoke-well they do, but I've never told em, and they've never seen me). Go to the ATM-pissed cos I have no money till payday. Need petrol-doubt what I have will last me til Friday-but I'mma try and stretch it none the less. Came home, my nephews were at my house. Me and my sister had a quick talk. Seems my mum's talking about going to Jamaica at some point this year-but she's not taking the kids...erm-who's looking after them then? When my mum went in May of last year she only took the youngest-it wasn't actually a holiday-my aunt had died, and she was going to the funeral. However, the year before, when my lil sis was a bubby, I had to watch the kids (minus the bubby, cos she went too). Now this time round I'm saying if she's going away, she needs to take them kids with her. She's making plans, and not incorporating them bad ass kids, and then will be expecting me to just go along with her plan, and be 'mummy' for however long she decides to go away. Nah-it's not happening!! My mum always makes me feel like I can't say no to things that she asks me to do, but most definitely, in this situation, I won't be babysitting!!

Bit of rambling there...I'm just bored out of my head right now. I ain't got nothing interesting to do, and no where to go. My sis invited me to a bar that she's going to tonight for her friend's birthday, but I'm not sure-I don't even feel like raving anywhere tonight and I'm definitely not in the mood for raving in Brixton!

Ah-well I'm gonna go wondering aimlessly about the internet, and try and occupy my mind!

Rambling, Ranting, Raving.

Ok, so I've only just finished typing that last post, but as I've thought about everything concerning my brother, my brain is now flooded with thoughts. As I sit here at my desk (not working), I'm feeling sad. Depressed almost...most definately deflated. Of late, there's been so many deaths, heartache and sadness. And I know they say that life is hard, and that God never gives you more than you can handle, but damn, it feels like I'm bout to break. I mean, like right now, my eyes are filling up, and my heart hurts, and I'm bout ready to cry...why? My friend's mum died, my friend's cousin got killed, lil Keiton Knight lost his fight for cancer aged 8, my aunt's friends parents died-withing 3 months of each other....I mean I really could go on. Sometimes I think I wanna know when my time is up. I have so much I want to do with my life, and though I'm trying to accomplish as much as I can do before my time is up, right now it feels like everytime I take a 3 steps forward, I end up taking 4 steps back. Maybe ignorance really is bliss....Why would I want to know how long i have left? I dunno, just typing this I'm getting frustrated cos I'm not making sense. My mind is so full of thoughts, and I'm feeling all these feelings, and it's like, when are things gonna start making sense? When's this thing gonna start going my way for a change?

I know I have unresolved issues, I have alot of anger-towards my dad in particular that I haven't dealt with. To be honest, I'm refusing to deal with. I've got all the emotions & anger packed away in a nice little box, stored in the cupboard, not be opened until I'm ready. But will I ever be ready? I can admit that I'm envious of other people who have great relationships with their dads. I try to see what his daughter has that I don't-why he can love her but not me. I mean, even when he tore off the lid of that can of worms-he opened it, and again walked away. I hate the fact that I allowed him to do that-to get at me-to have that effect, and then when he walked away, it was me that had to put it all back together. I hate selfish people. I hate inconsiderate people. I'm just so frustrated right now.

Mr Man: Am I fooling myself into believing we can actually work? With the Atlantic Ocean and 5,000 miles seperating us? Am I telling myself that when he comes over here, we'd live happily after, because that's all I want? Am I telling myself that I won't make the same mistakes that other people have made cos I'm not love struck-to the point where he can tell me the sky's pink and I'll believe him? Why am I clinging to the hope of things going the way that i want them to, when 99.9% of the time everyday shit doesn't go the way I want them to! Am I feeling the pressure to have a boyfriend, so that my family members will stop wondering if I'm gay? Why do they think I'm gay? Cos I dress in tracksuits, and am not fast like my cousins? Cos I'm a virgin, and very proud to say that I am such, even as I'm touching 25. Am I still a virgin by choice? No-but really...?? Would Mr Man be the one I give it to? Does he really love me..? Shoot-do I really love him? Or is infatuation? The excitement? I just don't know....

Damn-my head hurts.

Will He Be A Criminal?

This is a question that I ask myself quite often of late. I'm talking bout my lil bro-he just turned 9, and to say the least I'm worried for him! His role model is my soon to be 23 year old brother-who's worked for about 3 days out of his adult life, has been arrested more times than I can remember, and has had 3 (i think) visits to jail for stupid shit. His girl is pregnant-and yep, he still has no job. He's always going on about he's looking to get a job and all this, but up till now, nothing. Obviously his criminal record doesn't help, but he's lacking the determination!

So anyways, back to my baby bro....he's soooo much like how my other brother was when he ws growing up: Very picky about food, puts tomato ketchup on EVERYTHING, and (here's where the conceren is) steals from the house. examples: My mum sent him to the shop to buy rice. She gave him £2 to buy a big enough bag to do for dinner that night. He comes home with the smallest bag - now bear in mind that currently there's 6 mouths to feed, that bag of rice wouldn't do. So anyways, my mum says to him 'why did you buy this one' he tells her there wasn't enough money for the bigger one. Now as it's a corner shop, the prices aren't really cheap, so my mum figures ok, well I'll do potatoes as well. She asks for the change, and my bro gives it up. My mum counts, then recounts.....yep-money's missing. She asks my bro where the rest of the money is, he claims that's all the money that he was given. So he's been short changed right? Wrong! My bro took some of the money to buy bubble gum-which is the reason WHY he didnt have enough money to buy the bigger bag of rice. My mum tells him off - so when I start talking to him, I ask him why he took the money. He says he didn't. We go back and forth, and then I eventually say, ok, well since you've been shortchanged, let's go back to the shop to get the rest of the money then. He then admits the truth. I try and talk to him on a level-you know, find out why he took the money with out asking...he has no answers for me.

He has done this a few times-taking change that's not his to spend on sweets and crap. The other day I sent him to go and get my phone outta my bag-he ate all the sweets that I had in there, and just yesterday he was sitting in my mum's room eating the chocolate out of the bag-without asking. When confronted, he acts like he's done nothing wrong. I said to my mum 'he's gonna be a thief when he grows up' (not that I'm tryna wash my mouth on him or nothing) and she was like 'yeah I know'. That response got me-I thought, ok you can see the traits of my other brother, and you're not gonna try and so something to try and prevent him turning the same?

See, I've tried to talk to my brother. You know, I've told him you know that he needs to get a good education to get a good job-his response ' N (my other bro) didn't! N has a street name. my bro calls him self 'younger *N's street name*. He doesn't understand that he will face many obstacles in his life, and being armed with a good education and determination will help him get somewhere. His school as referred him to this behavioural scheme thing-his teacher has referred him as he's been identified as 'a child that has anti-social tendencies' (my words). I was abit angry when he came home with the letter, cos it's like, right so cos he's a black boy, he clearly fits the stereotype for being anti-social. But as I read the leaflet, I now see that it may be good for him. I mean prevention is better than cure right?

Back in the day, he was a very angry little boy. I told my mum that she needed to find out why he was so angry-it fell on deaf ears. I have tried to talk to my little brother-but I honestly think it's a situation where he's seeing if mum isn't telling me this-why the heck are you? And I'm not saying that he's lacking attention, but honestly, the only real attention he gets from my mum is when he's getting told off by my mum for fighting with my sister. But no one can tell my mum nothing-she's not tryna hear it. I've said try and have 1 on 1 time with each of the younger kids (there's 3), but she's not hearing me. I mean, me and my mum don't have the greatest of relationships, but i'm at an age where I don't feel like I need the attention from my mum-most definately not as much as the younger kids do.

Ok, so I've rambled a bit, but ultimately what I'm tryna say is that, the fact that my mum can see my baby bro 'becoming' my other brother, he's said he's gonna smoke weed, he's not gonna go college-all because it's what he's seen his 'role model' do, surely you gotta sit up and take notice? Honestly, my lil bro has no positive black male role models in his life-his dad's a punk, and my brother - well, what more can I say? I just get the impression sometimes that my mum isn't tryna steer him in the right direction. He's only 9-he's not a lost cause you know?? But as I said, I can't tell my mum nothing, cos she ain't tryna hear me. And yes, I know it's hard being a parent, tryna raise boys (in particular)- but I mean, at what point do you give up encouraging your child to be good??

*This probably makes zero sense-i've just typed as I've thought, and now I can't be bothered to re-read and edit*