The Bad Books

Thank you all for the concern & well wishing for my Gramps. I've just come home from seeing him, and he's doing so much better. He's definitely on the mend....he thought the doctor told him that he could go home tomorrow, but they took some samples today, that they're awaiting results from, and I think when he goes home depends on those results.

Soldier...*sigh* he just doesn't have a clue....and to be honest, right now I don't have the energy or brain space to direct him...tell him what he needs to do, how he needs to act in order to support me through this...New Years Eve he called me when he was on his break...at this time I was at my Granny's waiting for the ambulance to head to the hospital...I tell him that I was off to the hospital etc...and throughout the 2 minute conversation, I just felt he was so insenstive to the situation. I know he was trying to lighten my mood, but it wasn't working. When I left the hospital on New Years Morning, he'd just finished work and was calling to wish me a happy new year and find out how my gramps was. I was on my way home, and he was round the corner from where I was. So I go off to meet him, and we head to his house. From when I actually got into my car I just started crying...I couldn't let my Granny see me cry-I had to be strong for her, so soon as I was on my own the emotions overcame me.....

So anyways, as we drive, he holds my hand and he's talking to me about nothing in particular. He tells me that he'll be coming to see me in the morning...so I say-why don't you just stay at mines? He's like 'I'll come in the morning' Ok, whatever. Drop him home...and we're sitting in the car. He tells me that he doesn't think I should be on the road but 'he's too tired to drive'....he tries to hug me, but I push him away....then he tells me he'll speak to me later, and steps out of the car. Please note, that I was crying when he left the car. I sat there for a minute trying to get myself together, before I headed home. Didn't hear from him until the next day, when he kep t texting me asking if I wanted him to come and see me...I was so hurt but his actions the night before. Truth be told, I just wanted him there to hold me...to console me...to tell me that everything was gonna be ok...but he didn't...cos he was tired. Long story short, he came by the house, I told him how I felt about what happened the night before, and he just couldn't comprehend what I was trying to get through to him. He's like 'i don't know what you want me to say or do..' And that shit gets me mad...I mean, I've already told you how I've felt in the simplest of terms, and you're asking me what you should do?? Are you for real?? I told him that if he needed me to tell him, then please believe you'll continue to wait. Told him I hoped he & sleep were very happy together, cos clearly sleep was more important than being there for your girl....He can call me at 2 in the morning, and even if I'm asleep, I'll still talk to him for an hour, I can be in the hospital for 5 hours but I'll meet him, and take him home...I mean, for me it's nothing for me to do these things for him...but for him it's not the same.

Now-is this normal male behaviour? Being totally oblivious to everything around? My friend reckons he may have needed me to literally spell it out for him...but I don't have the energy for that....the last I checked, he was a grown ass man...I'm still a bit hurt, but I've got more important things on my mind, and other things that to me are more important than tryna figure him out right now.....So yeah, he's in my bad books right now....I haven't spoken to him today...just can't deal...not today-I'm so tired it's a joke....so people-i beg you help me out here..am I making this into something bigger than it really is??

A New Year

So this is the 1st post of 2008....and I had such high hopes for it being all about how my New Years Eve was spent with Soldier etc....well that didn't happen.....I, my dear blog fam, spend the bringing in of the new year in the Accident & Emergenvy Department of the hospital.....My grandad's ill again, and we had to take him back in.....

I knew yesterday was gonna be a funny ole day....I didn't sleep A WINK! It was my SFAM's b'day on Sunday, and we'd been out celebrating. I got home at around 12, had my shower and was just lounging around the house. Come 1am I figured I should be in bed, as I had work the next day. Soldier calls me at like 2am, and decides he wants to talk....so we talk for about an hour....3am onwards I attempt to sleep, to no avail. Get up for work-totally knackered! Get sent home at 12pm (yeah!!!) and go out shopping with my SFAM & LF. On my way home, my aunty calls me and asks were I am...I tell her on my way home. She tells me that she thinks my grandad's taken ill again....instantly my heart sinks to my toes.....I rush round there, and when I saw him....I just wanted to cry. He was sitting on his chair, just looking around aimlessly. He couldn't talk, couldn't stand-couldn't do anything. We called for an ambulance, and they came and took him.

After 5 hours, he'd been moved from A & E onto a ward. He'd had a cold that turned into a chest infection and he was severly dehydrated. He was on a drip and everything....but today I can report that he's doing so much better. He's still really weak, but he's talking, and eating and drinking. They reckon he'll be in there for a couple days....thank the Lord...

My dad was there-overly trying to talk to me about crap.....he's like 'oh, you know you can come to me house-you don't have to wait for an invite' I was like is it? Then he's like 'I'm gonna invite you over for Sunday dinner one sunday' My response: 'Is it?' I'm just thinking, I beg you stop gassing bruv, cos you're just saying this shit to make you feel good! I spoke to him on Christmas Eve, and he told me he was coming by my house to see where I'm living. He said he'd come by before I went back to work (which was NYE) and yup-he didn't show, and there was no further mention of it. I'm just glad I'm at a point where I let whatever he says go in on ear and out the other...I ain't sweating him....

So yeah, right now, I'm thinking what a crap start to the year, fuelled with the fact that Soldier is not in my good books right now (not feeling to go into it), I'm just hoping that from here on in, 2008 just gets better and better....cos bwoy...I really don't think I can take any heartache, and pain....or anything I endured in 2007, in 2008....

I hope that all of you guys had a much better start to the new year!!!!!

It's All Over

So....Christmas is all over....it's all done...All the hype and crap for one day, and it's now all done! Can't say I'm sad about it either!

I did however have a really good Christmas.....spent the morning with Soldier and then went to my mum's house, to have a look-a-see at what the kids got...then went on to my granny's where I remained for the whole day! Had roast breadfruit for breakfast...hmmm..it was too good (my mouth is watering just thinking about it again!) then had the usual turkey and stuffing for dinner.

This Christmas I had a lot to be grateful for. The main thing being that my Grandad was alive and was spending Christmas with us. He's been through alot, and he's still recovering-it's a long, slow, painful process, but he's still here, and that's something, cos we almost lost him twice....his friend who came to visit him when he was in prison died shortly after my grandad left the hospital...so it's been with the grace of God that he's here with his family.

I ate so much on Christmas day it was ridiculous....I'm definitely gonna need to hit the gym come January...that's the truth!!

Boxing day wasn't as grand as the day before.....Spent the whole day in my house bored....didn't have anything to do or anywhere to go. Went to my granny's for dinner....my other aunty and cousin were there....my fave aunty's fiance came down as well and we had a good ole post-xmas dinner.....Went home, Soldier came by....then I dropped him home-he had to be up at the crack of dawn this morning....

And so did I! There was a Sale at a store called Next....they do really nice kids clothes (in particular) and my sister goes every year, so this year I decided to go.....my goodness!! The store opended at 5 and we got there at about 4.30...and there already was a fat queue. When the doors opened.....man oh man...these people turned into animals!! I don't know where I thought I was going...I hate shopping and I hate crowds....and the two together...my goodness!! There was arguement in there of course.....Some woman said to this other woman (who had 2 kids with her) why she brought her kids to the store....the woman with the children just happened to be a ghetto-ish black female....and bwoy did she start cussing-which is fair enough-cos I would have done the same! Don't watch me!!!! And that is pretty much what she told the woman (but with a heck of a lot more expletives!!) My sister spent £200...I spent £9! lol! She got a lot of stuff for the boys, and I got 2 tops. I'm sooo picky it's annoying...but I was glad to have come away with something!

It's now 6.30am as I type this. I've got a lot on my head...and I'm starting to feel tired...so I'mma head off to bed!

I hope you all had a pleasant Christmas...and if I don't get back here before the year's through, Happy New Year....and I hope 2008 brings you nothing but happiness, success and prosperity..

Much Love!!

Tom_Gurl

We Will Rock You

So tonight, my work people paid for the Office ladies to go to see 'We Will Rock You' at the Dominion Theatre in London. Now as I've mentioned, I'm not necessarily a big fan of doing things with the work folks in my personal time, and I was soooo not wanting to go...especially cos I felt like I wasn't given the choice...the actual convo went like this:

Her: What are you doing on the 21st of Dec?

Me: Erm....nothing I don't think...w....

Her: Good, cos we've got tickets to go see we will rock you!

Me: what's that?

Her: It's a musical based around Queen's greatest hits

Me: Right!

Her, being my line manager.

Please believe I was mad, cos the 1st I knew of this ting was when the tickets were bought, but you know what, whatever-it's done now! Now considering I'm not necessarily a big fan of Rock n Roll, and I can count on one hand the amount of Queen songs I actually know, I was dreading this evening like you wouldn't believe.

We left work, and headed out to London to meet the Engineer boys....they were guzzling alcohol-the usual way they do...my line manager & office manager thought it was real funny to take random photos of me when I wasn't noticing-erm...that shit's not funny! Believe it took everything for me not to punch my line manager (in particular) in the face...that stupid camera flash was gonna blind me...and I know come Monday she's gonna put them shits on the shared drive for all and sundry to see....Cha!

But anyways, get to the theatre and the show begins....and ladies and gents...I can actually say I thoroughly enjoyed the show....lol-so much so, for a minute I considered getting Queen's greatest hits or some shit....oh and I discovered that I know alot more of their songs than I actually thought...It was a really good show...I'd even recommend it!!

It's really amazing the way Ben Elton was able to incorporate the screenplay for this, and make it relevant to all the Queen tracks....it was really good!! Too many flashing lights though....seriously BRIGHT lights, stobes and things.....but that aside it was excellent!

When it was all over me and my friend exited mighty quickly to catch the train back home. Waiting for me outside the station was the lovely Soldier, who left his house to meet me, and then dropped my friend home...and then me home...and then headed back home! Aww bless him...and he's got work in the morning...I didn't get to the station til after 11pm....

Speaking of which-did I mention that he's left the Army? I can't remember if I did, but he has anyways-started last week at his new gig-driving buses, and getting paid crazy money for doing so!! I tell ya if those buses weren't so damn big I'd consider driving em...seriously the pay is soooo sick!! But after driving my Smartie for so long, even driving a Ford Focus feels like I'm driving a limo! Guess them double deckers are out of the question then! LOL!! But yeah, he's working, and seemingly loving it...so all's good there!!

Anywhoooo, one must go now as I'm tired as hell!!

If I don't come back here before Christmas (I'm planning to, but just in case you know) I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and *Jamaican accent:* nyam til uno belly buss. I hope your holidays is filled with much laughter and love, and 2008 is an even more properous year for you all.

Much Love

Tom_Gurl

My 1st Time

Ah huh…I know what you lot were thinking about…but how about my title referring to:

Friday being the 1st time I’ve attended a Christmas party held by my current employer. Despite this being my 3rd Christmas there, I’ve never had the desire to spend an alcohol, cheesy music filled evening with them people!! No offence to em…I mean they’re a nice enough bunch, however I’m very keen on keeping my personal life and work life VERY separate…and this means being with the work peeps during working hours (when I’m paid to do so) and not during my personal time-you know? I know a lot of them thought I was being unsociable, but did I care? NOPE!

This year though, my friend is now working here, so I ventured into the unknown of these work shindigs. Erm….yeah, I won’t be back next year. It was cool cos I came home with the same amount of money in my purse that I left with, since boss man hooked us up with cabs to the venue, and home again, and had a fat-ass tab at the bar we stopped at before we headed to the actual place…but after the meal, I was ready to go home!! I was thoroughly bored for the duration of the night! I kept trying to get Soldier to come pick me up, but he thought it was too funny that I was being tortured, and therefore left me there to continue to endure it!!

I am 1 out of only 2 black people that work for the company, and in stereotypical form, everyone kept trying to get me to dance ‘I know you can…..come on, I know you can dance’ Why-cos I’m black?? Newsflash-not every black person can dance!!! It was so irritating….but yeah, I was able to survive not entertaining them lot by dancing….though when it was home time, I did a little jig cos I was so happy!!!

Saturday was my 1st time doing overtime-and it was hell! After minimal amount of sleep, connecting PC’s was NOT a good way to spend one’s Saturday. However, come payday I’ll be grinning from ear to ear!!!

My 1st time I’m admitting to myself that I’m sinking. That I need to grip on my life and the things in it that I can change and do just that. I’ve admitted to myself where I need help, and have made active steps towards receiving that help. I’m on route to sorting myself out, and allowing myself to set realistic New Year Resolutions….I need a healthier, happier 2008!!

And finally…..my 1st time with Soldier-y’all know what I mean…I’m all grown up! ;). You can close your mouth now….I know by the time you get here, nothing I said previously will be registered in your head…am I right???

I can imagine the burning questions you all have….but um…I’m stepping out now-the kitchen’s too hot! And you know what they say about being unable to handle the heat and all that!!!

Toodles!!!

I'm Coming Back

Figured I might as well post something today…..I’ve been battling with some inner demons, but right now, I think it’s safe to say I’ve come out the other side a more enlightened person (I think anyways)….well since the last post a WHOLE buncha stuff has happened, but some of it I can’t remember, other stuff is too boring, and the rest I just can’t be bothered to type about-cos I’d be here all day!!

What I will say though is:
-My brother has officially lost his head!! Remember this? Yeah well it’s still ongoing. He still hasn’t paid the debt! It’s gotten so bad that my mum went to his house and took his plasma tv. He then calls her up running off at the mouth talking ‘bout she had no ‘right’ to go into his house and take his tv (but the Bailiffs have the right to take her stuff for his debt!). He straight disrespected her…told her to shut up and hung up the phone on her! Now, I’ve had my fair share of arguments and disagreements with my ma, however I would never hang up on her nor would I tell her to shut up….I just wouldn’t disrespect her like that you know? But my brother has no respect for anyone! And it’s a damn shame! This whole thing has made my mum open her eyes to see that that boy thinks about no one other than himself! She says she’s done with him, but only time will tell!

- Me and Soldier are still together. It’s been a hard few weeks, as there’s been the dreaded Baby Mama Drama….don’t worry-it’s no sito where y’all are gonna need bats and tims and shit…but this chick has been causing him major stress which has in turn been stressing me! Bless him though, he’s been really trying to not involve me, which has worked, except he was different…can’t explain it…but different. We spoke about it all….and he’s understanding where I’m coming from. We’re both making major efforts with each other, and we’re cool.

He came by my house yesterday with the lil princess-cute as she is. Spent the evening at my house. When he was leaving I had to shake my head! Right now it’s overly cold-like last night it was -1 degrees…..as he’s walking out the door with the chile, I ask him-where’s her blankie? She doesn’t have one! Now people….picture this puh-leease, she has this thing that’s being used as a coat-IT’S NOT…it’s some thin ting that in my opinion should be worn in the house-but whatever….she had on a dress, no tights…..no hat, and no blankie-it’s cold!! The funniest thing is when he opened the front door he had the CHEEK to be like ‘oh my gosh it’s freezing!’ throws his hood on his head…meanwhile lil princess is being carried in the car seat with no blankie to cover her up! But I said nothing more than where’s her blanket…I don’t want him to think I’m being overly critical-cos more time when I see her, I have something to say (like when he came to my house with her in this same coat thing with nothing else-no vest or nada, or when she came in just a blanket and no coat) Maybe it’s just me, but surely if it’s cold outside, the same way you dress appropriately for the weather, you should dress your child in the same way? But hey-what do I know? I keep my mouth shut-you know?

Erm….what else??? It’s nearly Christmas…and I’m very bah-humbug! I don’t do festive season…it sucks!! I hate that people go sick, psycho, crazy & loopy over this time of year….and the day after it’s all over! Ah well….hopefully it’ll pass by painlessly!!

Hey

Hey guys!

I know I haven't posted for a lil while.....got some stuff going on..and ting...haven't felt like posting AT ALL!

Hopefully next week I'll be back on top form!

Hope you're all ok!

:)