Today...

'Today, I made up my mind,
I'm gonna take this chance,bet my life on this
Cause this precious love I've found in you.
My yesterdays are gone, and tomorrows never promised to no one.
I finally decided boy that my today is you'
(Musiq-Today. 'Luvanmusiq')

This is what I'm feeling today. I've decided I want to be with Mr Man. I had a 1 to 1 with my heart & I've decided to listen. I think I'm being way too hard on him,myself and the situation. I'm starting to understand that there really is many things that are beyond my control, and thought I may want something to be like 'this', God has plans for it to go like 'that-and I need to stop fighting it. I have to trust in His plans. So I'm preparing myself for what may come-be it plain sailing or battles & struggles.

The truth is, I don't know what's ahead of me, but I'm willing to brave the weather and go through it. As the song says, 'my yesterdays are gone-tomorrow's never promised' so I need to stop looking behind me, wondering where things could have been better, and as I don't know what the future holds so I need to focus on now, and take it each day as it comes.

Yesterday, after reading Southern Gal's post of quotes, one in particular was the final push I needed to make my decision. The quote was about a type of love-real love...and as I read that, I realised that I have that type of love. The love that I have for Mr Man is real. It's the kind of love that has me awake at night, that hurts so much that I wanna cry...the love I have for him is worth going through it all-it's worth fighting for. I know it's gonna be hard and I'm really scared of the unknown, but I know how badly I want to be with him, and how much he wants to be with me. I wouldn't want to share this type of love with anyone other than him. He's been prepared to fight for me for a while now. I'm now feel that I'm able to fight for him-for us...

Love is a beautiful thing, but it's hard, it hurts, it's misunderstood and it's complicated, but I'm ready to face it all. I welcome you to join me on my journey. I thank you for being on board thus far-any advice I'm wanting & waiting to hear...Blog fam-I'm ready for this!

Mad love to you all!

Mr Man: 'From my heart to you 143'
(Musiq-143 'Aijuswannaseing')

I'm Out.....Ms TG

I'm Back...1st Post of July Baaaabeee!!

My internet is still dead! So right now, I'm where I always am...yup-work! I'm tired as sin! My lil sister again, decided to join me in bed at 4 this morning....then woke up every half an hour after that! Absolute nightmare!!

Now as I haven't been able to update all week (I think I'm slightly obsessed with Blogger, cos all I wanted to do was get on it-it was all I thought about all weekend! Sad I know!!), there's alot to update, but to be honest I probably won't go through it all cos it's too ruddy long!

Don't you hate it when you decide to call a friend, and they act like you've done them something?? You know the ones, where by the end of the conversation you're wondering to yourself 'why the fuck did I call you?' This shit happened to me on Friday. I called this girl-she used to be my best friend in school, but she dropped out, had a kid & I didn't speak to her for about 3 years. Back when I was working in IKEA I saw her in there, we spoke for a minute, exchanged numbers and fast forward 3 years, here we are! Now, the type of friendship we now have, is when she's in shit, or there's pure madness in her life, that's when she calls me. In the beginning it used to bother me, cos it was like these were the only times she wanted to talk to me, but after a while, I was just like 'whatever...it is what it is', besides she's always in some kinda hype, and to be honest I'm not tryna be around that!

So anyways, her latest drama is that she's pregnant for some dude who's out on bail out of London for *read slowly* beating up his ex girlfriend.....yep-domestic abuse (please note: Her baby's father used to beat her up also). She's been with this dude for about 7 months now-3 of which he spent in jail. So she's being a ryde or die chick and standing by him *keep my comments to myself* So she intentionally gets pregnant for him, and he's pissed-he already has 2 kids with 2 other women. He tells her that if she keeps it, he'll disown her, and that if he saw her on the road he'd walk past her...yadda yadda. The last time I spoke to her-about 2 weeks ago, she was contemplating abortion. So we talked about it, I told her that ultimately it was her decision, and that I'd support her with whatever she decided to do.

So fast forward 2 weeks, I hadn't heard from her-so I'd been tryna call her all week. Finally get through to her on Friday now, and this chick is acting wierd. So I'm like 'are you ok? Why you sound like that' She's like 'yeah, I'm just tired'...but I'm not convinced. So we talk for a minute and then it gets silly-so I'm like well I'mma leave you to do what your doing....and ended the conversation. I was feeling a way after-I'm thinking if I did something to her...but I know I haven't. I'm just gonna put it down to the fact that she's probably got her shit going on...and well the way I'm seeing it right now, if you aint saying, then I can't help ya...I just didn't appreciate the way she was acting....

Saturday- Went grocery shopping for my granny, and then went on to my sister's house. Chilled there all day. Her boyfriend came home, and she made him put up the TV stand that he's been meaning to do for a good few weeks now. Now, where my sister wanted to put the stand, there wasn't enough room, cos her wardrobe was too far over. So her boyfriend now starts pulling the wardrobe, and lets just say-a new wardrobe is required. The wardrobe's quite big-and has 3 parts to it-where it was pulled & pushed, the screws that were holding the whole thing together got ripped out. I was standing there for about twenty minutes holding up the roof of the ting-trust me, it was NO fun!!!

Sunday- Went to Covent Gardens with my sister, her boyfriend and my nephews. was a good little fam day out. My mum & siblings came down to my sister's for dinner & I went to my Granny's house for dinner (as I do each and every Sunday), then went back up to my sisters house.

I text my friend-the one who's bubby is in hospital, asking how he was. She text me back saying that he had another operation, but that he was doing well. She hasn't held or fed him yet, and she's finding it really hard, but she's being strong for her other two children. I text her back a few words of encouragement, and let her know that they're in my thoughts and prayers. I just pray that he pulls through this...poor little mite.

So that's the radio edit of my weekend. Spending the weekend with my sis was really nice. I haven't been spending much time there of late, but it was good to chill you know!? And her and her boyfriend-when they knock heads it's too funny. I was sitting watching them, and I couldn't help picturing that being me & Mr Man....*sigh*

So that's me....Sorry it's so ruddy long, but thank me later-it could've been a WHOLE LOT WORSE!!

I'm Out....Ms TG.

P.S On my 7th No Smoking Day!!!

AOL Sucks!!!

I'm so annoyed! AOL is fucking up big time so I can't update this ting like I wanna. Right now I'm typing this from my mobile & it's so long!

Hopefully my net will be up & running tomorrow so I'll catch up witcha.

Friday Randoms

It's Friiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiday, and it's paaaaaaaaaaaydaaaaay!! Whoo hoo!! Lawd knows this day took way too long to come!

Went to Bingo last night for the very first time!!! I went with my mum, sister, my aunt and cousins (both of whom are pregnant!) It was good fun....but I didn't win a damn thing! I've got the bug now though, and I wanna go back. It's addictive!!! It's really not just for the old folks (though there were shitloads of em!!)

Still haven't fully decided what I'm gonna do about Mr Man...spoke to him yesterday, and things were cool and all...and I do think about the life that we'd have together, being together. I think my biggest problem is I have no patience, and I can't see a way to make things happen...there's no real plan in place and that's what's frustrating...

Anyway-moving on....I had Nando's for lunch-mmmmm it was sooo good! Boy how I love Chicken! Right now, I'm jamming in my office not doing work (but what else is new?) listening to Brownstone's album-the 1st one....wow-that brings back some memories.....

As you can probably tell, I don't have much to say at the moment-so there's nothing but randomness!! Guess I'll leave it there for now....I'm bout ready to sleep now anyways....

I'm out...

30th Post....30 Things About Me

Ok, so as this is my 30th post, I figured I'd list 30 things about me...not sure if they're interesting, but here goes:
1.I’m number 2 of 7 children
2.I live at home with 4 of them children
3.I’m a virgin
4.I’m VERY bad with money
5.I failed my driving test 3 times
6.I now own a 2006 Smart Fortwo Passion Car
7.I want to do Music Production & Engineering full-time
8.I am going back to college to set said ball in motion
9.My feet are different sizes (Left is 3 3/4 & right is 4)
10.I love Gadgets
11.I’m very good at DIY & building shit
12.I’m short-sighted & wear contacts (though that should also include Glasses-but doesn’t)
13.I’m very shy
14.I trust very quickly & then wait to be hurt
15. I have a VERY sweet tooth
16.I have tried to quit smoking 3 times-the longest was for 3 months
17.I've contemplated suicide (back in the day)
18.I'm quite secretive
19.I hate shopping
20.The last time I wore a dress I was 10 (school summer dress)
21.I'm very affectionate & love hugs
22.Of late I'm very forgetful
23.I love cartoons (especially The Simpsons)
24.I (apparently) look under 16 (get ID'd everytime I buy cigarettes-though not anymore cos I don't smoke....)
25.I sometimes can be easily influenced (major downfall)
26.I'm a picky eater
27.I've seen 4 real life births (and I'm having NO kids....only kidding I want 2)
28.I can be 100% honest about my thoughts and feelings on blogger
29.I want to migrate to the US of A
30. I have very little patience, and get annoyed quickly

31. (I know I said 30-but it's my blog, so I can have one more if I want...lol)My myspace page is : www.myspace.com/milz_a_manna ...come see me...and be my friend ;-)

It's Official: I'm A Punk!!

We'll get to that in a mo....

I text my friend yesterday to ask her how the bubby was doing and she text me back saying 'hard to say at the mo-just pray...' so that's just what I'm gonna do-pray that he makes a full recovery!

*****OMFG**** Timothy 'Timbaland' Mosely is touching London on 12th July....and I'm reaching!!! It's his album party or summink & he's gonna be there with DJ Freestyle (?) and some of the big UK DJs...I'm sooooooooooooooooo excited!! I absolutely L.O.V.E the musical genius that is Timbo....and he's touching my ends, so of course I have to go!! I'm so excited, you have no idea!!! Yayyy for Tim!!

Ok, so now on to the title of this post! I'm so mad at myself right now, but then I'm also so very confused!!! This morning I listened to Mary Mary's 1st album on my way to work, and cried the whole ruddy way there!!! So yesterday I decided I wanted to end things with Mr Man....All evening, I was preparing myself for the conversation. I've never had to break up with someone before-especially under these kinda circumstances, and with him I can be soooo mad at him, and then as soon as I hear his voice I forget that I was actually mad.

So I call him, and he answers, and we do the pleasantries. Then I ask him if he got my text yesterday. He tells me that he can't see the screen on his phone, and the other one isn't fixed yet, so he can't see anything. In my head I'm thinking 'crap & shit-so he has no damn clue'. so anyways, I then ask him how he feels about our current situation. He tells me that he hates it, and that more time, it hurts so bad, but he looks forward to hearing my voice.....then he asks me how I feel about it....now looking back, this was the PERFECT opportunity for me to say how I felt about the situation, and end things right.....wrong!! I told him that I hated the situation, and that I wasn't happy anymore....that I hated the fact that I couldn't see and speak to him whenever I wanted, and it wasn't how I wanted things to be. He asks me how I feel when I hear his voice (why would you ask me that-this is not part of my plan!!) So I tell him that I feel bad...cos when I don't speak to him, I get mad, and then I hear his voice and I feel happy, but then feel bad for being mad, and then when I come off the phone to him I'm sad again (confusing???) So he then starts telling me that things will get better, and that though he knows that it hurts the both of us, things will change....he's like what do you think....I'm like yeah, I hear what you're saying....AND THAT WAS ALL I SAID!!!!!! Then I was like, well I gotta go (cos T-mobs was charging me the earth for this phone call) and he was like 'bye baby...I love you' I didn't say it back-just said bye again and then hung up. Am I a punk or what?? One simple thing and I couldn't bloody do it. I've been kicking myself ever since...I guess I wanted to prove to myself that 1) I really could do it and 2)that I'm not feeling him as much as I think I am.

See the thing is, a part of me doesn't want to give up on the relationship, but the other part of me is telling me it's pointless trying to believe that things will get better & we'd be together properly. I hate the fact that we're so far apart, and that hurts more than anything...and is the driving force behind me wanting to let it all go....and I'm thinking, am I trying to hold onto to this relationship because I feel so strongly for him, because I'm scared no one else will want me, because I truly believe that he is the one for me, because I WANT him to be my prince, because I don't want to hurt him by breaking up? Should I let it go because it hurts so much, because I'm not sure whether I should be willing to fight......dammit...I JUST DON'T KNOW!!!!! Why can't shit just be easy for ONCE!!!!! What do I do???

On other news.....I'm into my 3rd day of not smoking.....and I don't have any cravings thus far-all I wanna do is cry!!!!

The Who's, What's, Where's, When's & Why's

Ok, so I came across Monie's blog and began reading....and as I was reading, I was informed that I had been tagged (who whooo for the 1st time!!) So here goes....

THE WHO'S
Who is in the house with you? I'm actually at work, wishing I was at home!! At home : my mum & siblings, here at work 3 other mofo's.
Who are you thinking about now? Well now ya mention it...Mr Man (dammit!)
Who did you last talk to on the phone? My mum-to tell her the car people were coming to take my old piece of junk!
Whose house did you last go to? My older sister's
Whose birthday is next? My older sis
Who was the last person you had dinner with? As in went out to dinner? My girlies
Who do you hope will take this survey? Everyone who's reading....

THE WHAT'S
What was the last thing you ate? Choc chip cookies dipped in tea
What was the last thing you drank? a Cuppa tea
What color pants are you wearing? Blue jeans.
What is the first thing you think when you wake up? It's not that time already....is it?
What is the closest item near you that is blue? Other than my jeans, my desk tidy (with loadsa blue pens)
What are you wearing on your feet? Black Nike trainers.
What instant messaging service do you use? MSN
What is your favorite color? Blue & Black
What is your most used away message? I'm never away dammit!! I want it to be : I'm on holiday for the next 365 days...if you're contacted me about work shit-tell someone else cos I'm NOT interested... (or something like that! lol)
What is your favorite website? Blogger of course!
What's your favorite shoe brand? Hardly wear shoes but trainer it has to be Nike
What song do you currently hear? None before this question. Now it's 'tek weh yuself' by Mr Vegas (Da tune deh sick-it sick badd!)

THE WHERE'S
Where do you live? South London, UK
Where is your phone? On my desk
Where do you sleep? In my bed.....(where else?)
Where did you get the shirt you're wearing? Primark Babeee

THE WHEN'S
When is your birthday? Novemeber 25
When did you last burn a candle? Last night funnily enough (I usually only light candles once a year for my boy A)
When did you wake up? 7.10 this morning
When did you do laundry last? yesterday

THE WHY'S
Why does basically half the world have a MySpace or Blog? Cos you're not heavy unless you do....and everyone wants to be heavy...right?
Why did you take this particular survey? Cos I was being nosey on someone else blog & was told to do it.....besides it's fun(she says)
Why are you in love? Because my heart doesn't do what my damn head tells it to (stooopid heart!!)