http://musiclist.in/admin/love.php?yellow225.png

Accent Challenge

I'm Out!

That's it....Me and Blogger are DONE!! I'm following my fellow blog peoples...Ms Diva & Mon, and heading over to the new digs @ Wordpress.....

Feel free to come see me: My new place.

Toodles!

P.S. And wouldn't this be the time that Blogger wants to post with absolutely NO problems! Temperamental bastid! lol!

Have You Ever...

...Wondered if you made the right choice?



...Wondered what more (or less) you could have done to prevent that situation going bad?



...Wondered why the fuck you ignored what was SO obvious?



...Questioned whether you are worthy of certain things



...Thought about a past situation and thought 'that was soooooooo fucked up?'but you still fight a daily battle within tryna remind yourself of WHY the situation was fucked up



...Felt relief cos the stormy, black cloud was gone...then felt like shit when the hurt set it....as well as the torrential rain!



...Had an idea for a post, and forgotten it as soon as you were ready to type?



...Questioned whether you're as 'great' as people say you are



...Annoyed yourself so much, you want to slap yourself? (Lol)



...Gotten tired of thinking so much?



...Been fed up with constant disappointment, failures and let-downs?



...Been scared shit-less at the thought of losing that person/those people that mean to much to you?



...Done or said some seriously stupid shit and wonder why the heck you did that?



...Said waaaay too much?



...Wondered how life/karma/the world worked?



...Why bad shit can happen to good people...? Yet the bad keep rolling on like their shit don't stink, cos everything's running right?



...Been soooo tired of dealing with shit, that you'd rather close your eyes-just to be done dealing with it?



...Been tired of trying?



...Cried so many tears that your insides feel hollow?



...Wanted someone out your life soooo badly, yet the fucker ALWAYS turns up?



...Written a totally random post that has no point, direction or meaning....but just had a whole bunch-a shit to get out, so you figured you'd do just that? No...? Me either!

Frustrated

I've been living at my Grandparent’s house for 6 days now...and everyday I've been annoyed and frustrated to some extent.

One big thing I'm struggling with is my Granny's constant fussing!! She's babying me something chronic!! I know I know-she's just doing the typical Grandmother thing-but it's driving me nuts!! I just like to chill, do what I need to as and when I want-Granny's not having it...she's in my room telling me this should go here, and this there…I know she means well, but it's driving me absolutely crazy!!! I know I can't do anything about it, so I'm just tryna grin and bear it-I mean the upside to this, is as soon as I come home from work my dinner's there ready and waiting to be eaten!!

The 2nd thing-in fact it's the BIGGEST thing: my Uncle! Love him to bits, but damn if this man doesn't wanna drive me outta my head!! This week alone he's been at the house 3 maybe 4 times....and EVERY time he's leaving he's having me drive him home. On Sunday or maybe it was Monday, he was here-I had a BANGING headache-and he still had me take him home. On Wednesday, I went to my friend's house to pick up my new laptop, and stopped by his house to pick up my internet dongle. He then says that he'll be coming to the house to give my Granddad a bath...so I take him to the house. When all's done, he makes me take him home, cos he left his bus pass at his house (though taking a bus to his house makes NO sense!!). Today-same ting…this time it’s ‘it’s raining...can you take me home?’. Whilst I know I should just say no-but I can't seem to do it. Diva-I know what you said-but I just can't do it. I don’t know what it is, but for some reason the word 'no' just won't come out of my mouth...and though I feel like he's taking the piss outta me, I feel like there's nothing I can do about it! *sigh* I know-I'm a mug!

My alcoholic uncle that I've mentioned before (can't be bothered to link to it) has managed to earn himself a bed in the hospital. The man is drinking himself to death! Last week he decided not to drink anymore...and collapsed. So my Dad, aunty and Granny have all gone down to the hospital to see him. You can imagine how happy I was to see him! In fact, he's here now....I just hi, and kept it moving!!

*sigh* in the last hour-I swear my name's been called about 50 times!! (slight exaggeration, but it feels like it's non stop!!) I'm trying to quit smoking (4 days and counting) so I can't even have a fag to release some stress!

Oh-and that whole thing with J-there’s nothing more to report except we won’t be friends. From the other day that I sent her a message, she hasn’t replied…she’s changed her profile pic-so I know she’s seen the message, but she hasn’t responded…so much for being ‘mature’ she could have just said what it was, but she’s decided not to. I’m a bit disappointed-more annoyed than anything…but I’ve decided I’m not gonna try anymore. Just gonna let sleeping dogs lie. I was going through my old diary stuff earlier today-and I see an entry dated 14th Sept 05…on this day I tried to make things right with J then-and from what I wrote on this date, I tried 2 years before that…so that’s 2003,2005 & 2008 where I’ve tried. If I'd seen this diary entry earlier in the week, I really don't think I would've reached out to her....but now I’m done trying! Clearly us being friends again isn’t meant to be…and you know-I think I’m cool with that. I don’t have to wonder anymore cos I know what it is…..besides I’ve got some pretty damn good friends in my life right now, without trying to step back to reconnect with one that’s not clearly not interested!!

Coming Of Age

I've been tagged by the lovely Ms Behaving…..Here goes….
 
The rules:
1. Put Your itunes/ music player on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT!!!
4: After you've answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they've been tagged to do the meme themselves!
 
1.      IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY? Back Again –Mr Cheeks (oh yea-cos THAT makes sense! Lol)
2.      WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?  Down & Dirty – Keyshia Cole (It's lies I tell ya-LIES!!)
3.      WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? Good Woman Down –Mary J Blige (Erm….maybe not!)
4.      HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? I Want You Back – Jackson 5 (NO I DO NOT! Don't believe the hype!)
5.      WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? They Aint JE – Jagged Edge (Ok…???)
6.      WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? I Wonder – Kanye West (All the ruddy time!!)
7.      WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? Ms Stress – Floetry (Lately, most definitely)
8.      WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS? Money Aint A Thang – Jay Z (no comment!)
9.      WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? Are You Ready – Dan Da Man (Very True)
10. WHAT IS 2+2? Never Gonna Let You Go – Tina Moore (**confused**)
11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? Magic Is A Feeling – SE20
12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Motherfather – Musiq Soulchild
13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? The Takeover – Jay Z (You'd better believe it!)
14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? I Can – Nas (When you get into the lyrics then yes!)
15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Doing It Way Big – Lil Kim
16. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? Help Me Make It Through The Night – Gladys Knight (can't see this being the thought of both parents!)
17. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? Never Can Say Goodbye – Jackson 5 (Awww…bless….maybe not at the wedding though!)
18. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? Gotta Man – Eve (LMAO!! Can't see Granny going for that-can you…?)
19. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? Celebration – Kanye West (It's a celebration BITCHES!!! Grab a drink, grab a glass……)
20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET? Supposed To – Mr Cheeks
21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? I'll Be There – Jackson 5 (This applies to some of em)
22. WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS? Coming Of Age – Jay Z
 
I'm tagging (if they haven't already been tagged that is!): Ms Diva, Monie, The Flyyest, Southern Girlie & Tam…
 

Random Ish

Yesterday, Granny was helping me unpack some of my stuff in my room. She asks me if my mum ever asked how I managed living out on my own. I said that she did ask on occasions. Granny asks if my mum ever offered to help me...I say, well she helps where she can, but for the most part she can't because obviously she has the kids. Then I say, but check even my dad though -he knows I've been struggling, yet never offers to help...Granny then says 'well...'. And that's it..then after a few minutes she tells me that she hasn't told my dad that I'd moved in with her...I tell her that I'm not gonna be the one to tell him.

After this convo I was annoyed. Granny asking if my mum helped me out, I know she was trying to imply that she should have been....but my mum has 3 young kids (and my 19 year old sister) to look bout.....when I go to the house, Mum feeds me, if I'm desperate and she has it, she'll give me £5 etc....my Dad on the other hand has 1 other child. I'm not claiming to know his outgoings, but he knows I've been struggling and what not, and never once has he said to me do have you eaten today? Do you wanna come for dinner..! And the fucked up thing is that my Granny will ALWAYS stick up for him-he can do no wrong in her eyes.

Then she starts telling me that him, his wife and their child are going to Egypt..next month I think she said, and how my Dad's car isn't working, and neither is the wife's...how my Dad has never owned a good car-my dad drives some old school Honda Civic, and his wife drives a damn BMW that she got when she was unemployed, and my Dad was working 2 jobs! All while Granny's talking, I'm not saying anything. They say if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all...so that's what I did!

With Father's Day coming up, I know my Granny's gonna be on my back about getting him a card, or calling him...but they don't do cards for shit, wasteman dads do they? And even if they did, I wouldn't waste my money on it. He can piss off. He told me once that in regards to me it was a case of out of sight, out of mind...so to hear that from the man that's meant to love you unconditionally...shit-even a little bit...how's that meant to make me feel, or view him as a dad? He can fuck off! And watch him go on holiday and not say boo to me!

Granny's the one that tells me what's the deal with him, and tells him what the deal is with me, but I wish she wouldn't. I don't care what he does....then again, the fact that it pisses me off to no end shows how much I care.

Come Father's day, I'll give my Grandad a card and a gift...he's been more like my father my entire life so it's only right. If Granny gets on my back about my Dad then I'll go out somewhere...I tell ya she can push me sometimes when it comes to my Dad, that if my mouth was fly-way and I didn't have the level of love and respect for my Granny....boy...most importantly I wouldn't let because of him, my relationship with Granny is fucked!

I think I've rambled enough...my mind is feeling easy-i'm gonna try and sleep!

Their Conversation

*second post of the day!! A me dat?!!!??'

When I came in from work, Granny decided she wanted to go to Ikea. As she's on the stairs putting on her shoes (I was in the bathroom) the funniest conversation took place:

Gramps: where yuh goin?
Granny: me and Milz a go uppa Ikea
Gramp: What about me dinna?
Granny: yuh waan yuh dinna now?
Gramps: *mumbling*
Granny: me say yuh waan yuh dinna now?
Gramps: YES!!
Granny: Nuh talk to me so-bout YES! Yuh a get betta now...yuh mout a get big!
Gramps: *silence*

I'm in the bathroom pissing myself with laughter! I love those two...they give me the most joke! Granny always puts Gramps in his place when he tries to get a bit fresh! Lol!!

I Did It

So...I risked it....sent her a message on Facebook:
'Hey Jay, I know it's been a while, a few years in fact, and you probably still hate my guts..but I thought I'd say hi...hope things are good with you x'

And whaddya know....she messaged me back! I damn near had heart failure when I saw the message. She said:

'Hi Milz,Wow its true, its been about 3years or so years. Thanks for your message. I do not hate your guts hun. Its been too long and I am now trying to believe that life is too short babe. I really hope life is going good for you and you are doing well with whatever you are doing.. I saw you actually a few weeks back.. driving my car. For a split second I actually forgot I was in my car and someone else was driving my car past me.lolTake care Jay x' 

I told her that I was shocked that she had messaged me back, but I was glad that she did. I asked her about her car (cos I'm assuming she too has a Smartie)... And that was that.
 
Don't know what this means for us...but I'm glad that I listened to you guys and made the first move. If anything, at least I know that she doesn't hate me, and plotting my downfall! lol!!
 
If you didn't know, you guys rock! And if I'm ever faced with another dilemma-guess where I'll be coming for hel!! LOL!!
 
On other news, I moved into my grandparents house over the weekend. On Sunday I moved the bed AND the wardrobe all by my lonesome-well my 7 year old cousin was 'helping' but to be honest she was more of a hinderance-but bless her for being there! Of course on Monday my WHOLE body was in agony...the room is STILL a tip-as long as I can get in and out of the bed, that's the main thing!
 
What's really funny is my Granny's been sending me to bed at 11pm these past few nights! She's like 'It's nearly 11-don't stay up too much longer'...yes Granny! lol! admittedly though, I've been feeling real tired by this point....go to bed-you think I can sleep? I'm tossing and turning alllllll night! Up wandering the house at 2am...It's REALLY annoying! So of course, I'm stupidly tired this morning-my eyelid feel like lead...and everytime I blink it feels like someone sticking my eye balls with pins!! (lol-it's not even that serious-but it sounds it-doesn't it?!)
 
Wow-this post is stupidly long now....so I'll stop typing! Hope you have a good Tuesday!

Open Letter

J,

For some reason, you came into my head today. And when the thought of you entered my head, my heart hurt. Why? Cos I miss our friendship. I miss the way we used to be, our conversations...I miss us.

We haven't spoken for 7 years. It's hard to believe it's been that long. Looking back, I probably did over react to the situation that was....however, my Granny was being intimidated-and that shit will never ever go down well with me. I know this was not directly because of you, however they were your people who were not invited to the wedding, and I just felt like you could have done more-they were your peoples...you could've spoke to them.

Nevertheless, we did speak after that night, but I couldn't get past it...and we fell out. You felt like I embarrassed you in public...felt I did you wrong....admittedly I could've come to you and tell you what was bothering me....but I didn't-maybe that was wrong of me.

I did try to reach out to you a few years later, but I guess you felt like there was too much water under the bridge for us to be friends again...I felt rubbish, but I accepted your decision.

Every now and then, I think of how we used to be...and I do miss it...I know no matter what, we'll never be the friends that we were....thinking of you today made me want to send you a Facebook message to say hi....but I'm not about to put myself out there, only to be rejected.....so I guess this...our friendship..you being in my life was either for a season or a reason...after 7 years, I'm still not totally sure which...either way, it's done....I may always wonder whether you would respond if I was to send you a message...I think I'd rather wonder 'what if' than to reach out and feel like a prick for trying again...

I hope life has been and continues to be good to you....

Milz

At The Lights...

I saw him....and the mofo looked at me and smiled.....raised an eyebrow to acknowledge me even....I couldn't believe it! I looked at him, cut my eye and drove off once the lights turned green.

Yes, I was pissed.

Why Lord....why???

What Did She Say?

So I've been getting comments from some of you guys......it seems most of the time you guys don't understand what I'm saying because of the UK/JA words that I use....my bad! Lol! I do tend to write things straight from my head....and I do sometimes try to change a few words so you guys understand-but truth be told, that ish is HARD WORK!! Lol!

So.......I figured I'd give you the opportunity to have me translate things I've said previously that had you confused, having to run to Google etc....you can create your very own translation book!!! So in the future you'll know what I'm on about when I'm rambling....this is open-so if I say something that you don't understand, or that has you having to read the post twice (T2!!) then be sure to ask...

....So over to you....let the translations begin!!!

I Love You

For some reason, I have the overwhelming urge to tell everyone that I love them.....

So..... I LOVE YOU!!!

SATC

IS THE SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Broody

This evening, I went to go see my pregnant friend. Out of all the girls, she's the first to have a bubby....I WANT ONE!!! Lol! Went to her house, and she's got the crib up now, and she's got the pram for him, shed loads of ickle clothes for him...it's all so 'aaaaah!!!'

My sister's having anothe sprog, and my nephews ARE the sweetest things...and when I'm with them I just think ' I WANT ONE!!' I'm kinda surprised though, cos I've never really had the overwhelming need to have a sprog-but I want one!

Don't worry-I have no intentions to run out and get pregnant, it's not that serious, but with all this baby talk, all these babies popping out.....I'm just feeling real broody...

Ok, that is all....lol

What A Ting

•A friend of mine had been having pains in her leg for a little while. When the pain became too much, she went to the walk-in clinic. The woman who saw her put my friends symptoms into a computer, turned to her and said 'it's not good news I'm afraid....we're gonna have to call 999 (enmergency services). You should leave your car here. So my poor friend is worrying her ass off. The lady looks at the leg and says 'it can't be anything other than sickle cell' yes, my people you read that right SICKLE CELL!! Please note how this was diagnosed: by looking at the leg, and tapping into a self-diagnosis site ting. My poor friend, not realising that you can't suddenly catch sickle cell was in a state, managed to drive home, and got blood tests today. She's fine-the pain has gone...but my girl is 25 years old...IF she had sickle cell, how the heck would it go undetected for alllllll these damn years. I can assume that this doctor woman assumed my friend was having a crisis-anyone who has, or knows someone who has sickle cell knows that when they have a crisis, they can't be sent on their way to drive home etc..bunch of bullshit. We're encouraging her to make a complaint-cos that right there is MESSED UP!!

•Went to my Mum's house today, and my bro came down. We're jamming on the chair and he says to me 'you remember that girl I told you might be pregnant for me?' I'm like 'no-who the heck is that?' Right now it sounds remotely familiar (but let's be real, my bro's a hoe, and there were a number of girls who claimed to be carrying the bro's seed). So anyways he's looking in his phone, I'm wondering what he's looking for. He shows me a picture of this cute little baby. He says this baby is the 'might be' son. I'm like 'seen, so what now?' He said he took a DNA test last week and is waiting for the results. Bubby is cute-but he doesn't look like me bro...like his boy, my brother could NEVER deny him...but then again,this bubby could look like his mum. So just have to wait for the results. His girl knows....but hey, that girl has taken some serious shit from my brother-i would NOT deal with half as much as she has..but hey-that's not my business!

•Whilst out tonight with a few of my girlies, one of em tells a story about a dude she knows. He was out at the very bar that we were at, and had 2 cocktails. As he heads home, he gets pulled by the feds. He gets breathalised, and is found to be 5 times over the legal limit. His punishment: a fine, a 2 year driving ban, community service AND a tag on his ankle. Now, I do appreciate he was over the limit (unknowingly) and drink driving is serious, and a big no-no in my book BUT considering there's all these dickheads on the road being caught with knifes and guns BUT only get a caution, this dudes punishment was harsh in comparison.....but shit gets worse for dude....as a result of his driving ban, he loses his job. He's moved back home after the flat he was renting got major damp, fucking up ALLL his clothes that the landlord refused to pay for....AND his girlfriend left him....poor sod!

There was one more crazy story, but my memory has failed me...so that's it for now........and how proud are we of me for posting so many posts in one week??!!! Huh? That's good right! Yay me! Lol!! I'm so tired, I'm going to bed!

Night!!

Relaxing

So I took the day off work with the good intentions of being productive-sorting out my crap that I've collected over the years, start packing, cleaning blah blah blah.....but I've done none of it-well actually I have done a load of laundry, but for the most part I've sat and watched daytime tv.....what? Sue me! I'm relaxing today!!!!!!!

Gotta go-Judge Judy's about to start! Lol!!

A New Beginning

So me and Soldier are no more. We officially broke up on Sunday. After 10 months of trying, I finally threw in the towel-finally got tired of his shit and drama...so I'm a singleton again, and I'm feeling like a weight has been lifted!

I'm on a new vibe now. I'm looking forward. I got diagnosed with depression last week, so I'm now looking to work on that. Get my mind right....doing everything I can to avoid going on meds...

It's a year to the day that my friend's Mum died. Today I'm thinking a lot. About life in general, and what it may hold. Remembering Mrs A, and reminding myself that life is for living....so I'm gonna hold on to that-and just live my life to the FULLEST! Avoiding hype & drama the best I can, focus on ME!

I'm moving out of my flat in the next week or so, to live with my Grandparents. I'd been thinking about it for a while, and my Grandad asked me to move in the other say, so I'm gonna do that, and get serious about clearing my debts, saving some money....I'm looking to book NYC in the next month or so...I'm SO looking forward to it!

So here's to a new beginning....a new me....a happy me!

Dedication

I've just come home-I am totally knackered!!!! My nephew got dedicated today...and I've been on the move-non stop.

I didn't too much like the way that the church service went-to be honest it was a bit boring...nothing but sermon after sermon after sermon...no singing or nothing. There was 7 babies in total being dedivated. They were all brought up to the front (altar is it?) And a member of the church had each child. The pastor preached and prayed...and that was it. In my opinion it wasn't very personal-but that's just my opinion. After the dedications, there were more sermons!! My brother, who shock horror, turned up in shoes! (With his girlfriend who happens to be Muslim but came out to show support) was hungry, and wanted to go get food. Cos he has no license, I was nominated to drive, so we went on for KFC. By the time we got back, the service was over.

Went home, got changed, and went to the hall to set up. It was pure madness. It was meant to start at 5.30, but the table didn't get opened (blessed etc) until 7.30....cos my sister's boyfriend had to go here there and everywhere to pick up somebody. My sis was less than impressed. When the table was finally open, and food was available, that's when the madness started. I was so rushed off my feet, I had to change my heels to my trainers-it just HAD to be done!!!

Then came all the tidying up, and trying to get black folks to leave! Lol! I just don't get it-I don't think I ever will....black folks always turn up late, and always wanna be the last one to leave! Lol!!!

I'm at home now, watching 'Crash'. I've seen this movie countless times, but it's so good-and definitely one of my faves...I'll probably fall asleep watching it-cos I'm so tired! Thankfully there's no work tomorrow-and I intend to sleep ALL day!!!!

4th May 2007

This is the day that I signed up to Blogger.com and created my 1st post. Without going into the archives, I actually remember a lot of that day...I remember having it on my mind all day-so much so that I did 2 posts that day.



I first decided to create a blog, cos I missed writing-just random crap about my day, my thoughts, feelings etc. I had a diary back the day-when I was in high school, and I kept it down the side of my bed. One day my Mum decides to 'tidy' my room, finds my diary, reads it and then passed it on to every member of my family....it was during this time-in the midst of an arguement, that she told me that my Dad never wanted me, and wanted to abort me (whole set of drama, for a whole other day)....and from then until now, I vowed to never have another diary. When I moved out on my own though I did have another diary, but that crap was short lived.....

Anyways, since 4th May 2007, a lot has happened, some good, some bad. But nevertheless Tom-Gurl is still here. I never thought blogging would be like this-to be honest, I didn't really have many expectations.....

But through this Blogging ting I've come in to contact with some seriously amazing people that have touched my life.....Ms Diva, Ms B, T #2, Kare Bear, Deep......there are many other blogs that I check out on a regular for my dose of laughter, thought provocation etc...

So cos my life has been hella crazy, I totally missed my blogiversary, so I'm taking this time to say happy 1 year and 19 days to tomgurl.blogspot.com...

Thank you to ALL my readers for coming by, reading and commenting..it's been good times!!

Here's to some more!! (And maybe even some regular postings!lol, *no more side eyes Ms Diva*)