I'm attempting to sleep...but I've got a lot on my mind. After a disagreement with Soldier, I'm here laying in my bed going over the words that have been said. I close my eyes, and I hope for a reason behind this constant battle I seem to be facing....I see my father's face....in my attempts of sleep, I envision me calling him up and arranging a meeting. At this meeting I tell him EXACTLY how he's made me the angry bitter person that I am. The one that's struggling to accept the love that's given to her by others....cos if my own father doesn't love me, then how can anyone else?! I tell him how I felt everytime he let me down. Everytime he told me he would come to see my new homes and didn't....how I felt when he told me that he doesn't think of me everyday....that it's a case of out of sight, out of mind....how everytime I feel like I'm dealing, I see him, my blood boils and I'm back to square one. How it feels to know that his congregation probably know nothing of his illegitimate child.....
I open my eyes, and there's tears...a lot of them. I think I need to have this meeting. I need to release this anger. I've tried writing him a letter...have done so twice in the past few months, and I feel better...like weight has been lifted, but something happens to trigger the crap again, and I'm back to square one.
I'm becoming a horrible person...a person so consumed with hate and hurt that I can't accept anything good around me. I feel like I don't deserve happiness, yet that's all I want. I'm tired of being this person....I think I need this meeting. But I don't know what I expect. I could tell him everything and nothing would change....how would I feel? What kinda relationship, if any do I want with him? Or do I just need him to know how he's ruined my life?
I'm sick and tired of being me, of battling everyday with the memories, the scars and the what if's, taking every word and action of another as a personal attack on me. I'm tired of pushing my loved ones away....I don't want to lose them...I'm sick and tired of being the female with 'Daddy Issues.'
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
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8 comments:
Wow girl...I definitely think you should have the talk.
You say you don't know what you're expectations are though. You might want to really think about what you hope to accomplish from the meeting before you have the sitdown.
Emailing you right now.
If I took the time to type everything that was going on in my mind [after reading this] my comment would likely be as long if not longer than your actual post so...it's probably best that I send you an email as well...
I have a couple of things to take care of before I leave work in the next hour so I won't bother doing it now [too many distractions] but TRUST that I'll be all over it just as soon as I get home.
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
I SOOOOOOOOOOOO feel you on this. FOR REAL. It's going to take ALOT of praying and faith to get through.
Maybe you do need to talk to your father, if only to get it off of your chest. You can't let him rule you.
My prayers are definately with you sis.
If you do decide to have the meeting DON'T expect anything.
I'll be thinking about you.
You know the 'pin'.
aaawwwwwwwww..... i feel you tho...i go thru times like this also...keep your head up gurl!!!
damn...i wish i could let you borrow my awesome dad...(like i said before) i think the communication is just off...i hope everything works out...
-karrie b.
::HUGZ::
Ive been here hun'
You HAVE to let him know so YOU can cleanse your soul.
My Father was the reason for my pain.
I went through a hard time and bitter moments as well.
Until...
I sat ALONE I asked GOD and I asked myself "What is wrong with me?"
When I recieved the answer I asked GOD what should I do??
I feel he gave me the strength to confront my Father and tell him what he has done to me, and that HE is the reason I have so many trust issues.
Once I did that..my journey began to find the beautiful being I am morphing into this very moment.
Do what you have to do and when you feel lost..ask GOD..HE will ALWAYS guide you in the direction to happiness.
::MORE HUGZ::
Stay strong gurl.
I can't imagine what you are going through. I feel so blessed that I have my Daddy in my life. I could feel your hurt and confusion in this post.
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