AOL Sucks!!!

I'm so annoyed! AOL is fucking up big time so I can't update this ting like I wanna. Right now I'm typing this from my mobile & it's so long!

Hopefully my net will be up & running tomorrow so I'll catch up witcha.

Friday Randoms

It's Friiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiday, and it's paaaaaaaaaaaydaaaaay!! Whoo hoo!! Lawd knows this day took way too long to come!

Went to Bingo last night for the very first time!!! I went with my mum, sister, my aunt and cousins (both of whom are pregnant!) It was good fun....but I didn't win a damn thing! I've got the bug now though, and I wanna go back. It's addictive!!! It's really not just for the old folks (though there were shitloads of em!!)

Still haven't fully decided what I'm gonna do about Mr Man...spoke to him yesterday, and things were cool and all...and I do think about the life that we'd have together, being together. I think my biggest problem is I have no patience, and I can't see a way to make things happen...there's no real plan in place and that's what's frustrating...

Anyway-moving on....I had Nando's for lunch-mmmmm it was sooo good! Boy how I love Chicken! Right now, I'm jamming in my office not doing work (but what else is new?) listening to Brownstone's album-the 1st one....wow-that brings back some memories.....

As you can probably tell, I don't have much to say at the moment-so there's nothing but randomness!! Guess I'll leave it there for now....I'm bout ready to sleep now anyways....

I'm out...

30th Post....30 Things About Me

Ok, so as this is my 30th post, I figured I'd list 30 things about me...not sure if they're interesting, but here goes:
1.I’m number 2 of 7 children
2.I live at home with 4 of them children
3.I’m a virgin
4.I’m VERY bad with money
5.I failed my driving test 3 times
6.I now own a 2006 Smart Fortwo Passion Car
7.I want to do Music Production & Engineering full-time
8.I am going back to college to set said ball in motion
9.My feet are different sizes (Left is 3 3/4 & right is 4)
10.I love Gadgets
11.I’m very good at DIY & building shit
12.I’m short-sighted & wear contacts (though that should also include Glasses-but doesn’t)
13.I’m very shy
14.I trust very quickly & then wait to be hurt
15. I have a VERY sweet tooth
16.I have tried to quit smoking 3 times-the longest was for 3 months
17.I've contemplated suicide (back in the day)
18.I'm quite secretive
19.I hate shopping
20.The last time I wore a dress I was 10 (school summer dress)
21.I'm very affectionate & love hugs
22.Of late I'm very forgetful
23.I love cartoons (especially The Simpsons)
24.I (apparently) look under 16 (get ID'd everytime I buy cigarettes-though not anymore cos I don't smoke....)
25.I sometimes can be easily influenced (major downfall)
26.I'm a picky eater
27.I've seen 4 real life births (and I'm having NO kids....only kidding I want 2)
28.I can be 100% honest about my thoughts and feelings on blogger
29.I want to migrate to the US of A
30. I have very little patience, and get annoyed quickly

31. (I know I said 30-but it's my blog, so I can have one more if I want...lol)My myspace page is : www.myspace.com/milz_a_manna ...come see me...and be my friend ;-)

It's Official: I'm A Punk!!

We'll get to that in a mo....

I text my friend yesterday to ask her how the bubby was doing and she text me back saying 'hard to say at the mo-just pray...' so that's just what I'm gonna do-pray that he makes a full recovery!

*****OMFG**** Timothy 'Timbaland' Mosely is touching London on 12th July....and I'm reaching!!! It's his album party or summink & he's gonna be there with DJ Freestyle (?) and some of the big UK DJs...I'm sooooooooooooooooo excited!! I absolutely L.O.V.E the musical genius that is Timbo....and he's touching my ends, so of course I have to go!! I'm so excited, you have no idea!!! Yayyy for Tim!!

Ok, so now on to the title of this post! I'm so mad at myself right now, but then I'm also so very confused!!! This morning I listened to Mary Mary's 1st album on my way to work, and cried the whole ruddy way there!!! So yesterday I decided I wanted to end things with Mr Man....All evening, I was preparing myself for the conversation. I've never had to break up with someone before-especially under these kinda circumstances, and with him I can be soooo mad at him, and then as soon as I hear his voice I forget that I was actually mad.

So I call him, and he answers, and we do the pleasantries. Then I ask him if he got my text yesterday. He tells me that he can't see the screen on his phone, and the other one isn't fixed yet, so he can't see anything. In my head I'm thinking 'crap & shit-so he has no damn clue'. so anyways, I then ask him how he feels about our current situation. He tells me that he hates it, and that more time, it hurts so bad, but he looks forward to hearing my voice.....then he asks me how I feel about it....now looking back, this was the PERFECT opportunity for me to say how I felt about the situation, and end things right.....wrong!! I told him that I hated the situation, and that I wasn't happy anymore....that I hated the fact that I couldn't see and speak to him whenever I wanted, and it wasn't how I wanted things to be. He asks me how I feel when I hear his voice (why would you ask me that-this is not part of my plan!!) So I tell him that I feel bad...cos when I don't speak to him, I get mad, and then I hear his voice and I feel happy, but then feel bad for being mad, and then when I come off the phone to him I'm sad again (confusing???) So he then starts telling me that things will get better, and that though he knows that it hurts the both of us, things will change....he's like what do you think....I'm like yeah, I hear what you're saying....AND THAT WAS ALL I SAID!!!!!! Then I was like, well I gotta go (cos T-mobs was charging me the earth for this phone call) and he was like 'bye baby...I love you' I didn't say it back-just said bye again and then hung up. Am I a punk or what?? One simple thing and I couldn't bloody do it. I've been kicking myself ever since...I guess I wanted to prove to myself that 1) I really could do it and 2)that I'm not feeling him as much as I think I am.

See the thing is, a part of me doesn't want to give up on the relationship, but the other part of me is telling me it's pointless trying to believe that things will get better & we'd be together properly. I hate the fact that we're so far apart, and that hurts more than anything...and is the driving force behind me wanting to let it all go....and I'm thinking, am I trying to hold onto to this relationship because I feel so strongly for him, because I'm scared no one else will want me, because I truly believe that he is the one for me, because I WANT him to be my prince, because I don't want to hurt him by breaking up? Should I let it go because it hurts so much, because I'm not sure whether I should be willing to fight......dammit...I JUST DON'T KNOW!!!!! Why can't shit just be easy for ONCE!!!!! What do I do???

On other news.....I'm into my 3rd day of not smoking.....and I don't have any cravings thus far-all I wanna do is cry!!!!

The Who's, What's, Where's, When's & Why's

Ok, so I came across Monie's blog and began reading....and as I was reading, I was informed that I had been tagged (who whooo for the 1st time!!) So here goes....

THE WHO'S
Who is in the house with you? I'm actually at work, wishing I was at home!! At home : my mum & siblings, here at work 3 other mofo's.
Who are you thinking about now? Well now ya mention it...Mr Man (dammit!)
Who did you last talk to on the phone? My mum-to tell her the car people were coming to take my old piece of junk!
Whose house did you last go to? My older sister's
Whose birthday is next? My older sis
Who was the last person you had dinner with? As in went out to dinner? My girlies
Who do you hope will take this survey? Everyone who's reading....

THE WHAT'S
What was the last thing you ate? Choc chip cookies dipped in tea
What was the last thing you drank? a Cuppa tea
What color pants are you wearing? Blue jeans.
What is the first thing you think when you wake up? It's not that time already....is it?
What is the closest item near you that is blue? Other than my jeans, my desk tidy (with loadsa blue pens)
What are you wearing on your feet? Black Nike trainers.
What instant messaging service do you use? MSN
What is your favorite color? Blue & Black
What is your most used away message? I'm never away dammit!! I want it to be : I'm on holiday for the next 365 days...if you're contacted me about work shit-tell someone else cos I'm NOT interested... (or something like that! lol)
What is your favorite website? Blogger of course!
What's your favorite shoe brand? Hardly wear shoes but trainer it has to be Nike
What song do you currently hear? None before this question. Now it's 'tek weh yuself' by Mr Vegas (Da tune deh sick-it sick badd!)

THE WHERE'S
Where do you live? South London, UK
Where is your phone? On my desk
Where do you sleep? In my bed.....(where else?)
Where did you get the shirt you're wearing? Primark Babeee

THE WHEN'S
When is your birthday? Novemeber 25
When did you last burn a candle? Last night funnily enough (I usually only light candles once a year for my boy A)
When did you wake up? 7.10 this morning
When did you do laundry last? yesterday

THE WHY'S
Why does basically half the world have a MySpace or Blog? Cos you're not heavy unless you do....and everyone wants to be heavy...right?
Why did you take this particular survey? Cos I was being nosey on someone else blog & was told to do it.....besides it's fun(she says)
Why are you in love? Because my heart doesn't do what my damn head tells it to (stooopid heart!!)

Still Not Smoking....

Ok, so this is the start of the full 2nd day of no smoking, and so far it's going pretty well (I use this term VERY loosely). I was talking with my friend outside work this morning, and she was smoking-so I told her that I'd have to talk to here later, cos I was very tempted to get a cigarette off her! But I'mma put my willpower to good use, and resist!

Last night, my mum decides she's going out....I'm in bed by this point. About 2 hours later, my little sister (who just turned 3) comes wondering into my room, half asleep moaning for my mum. I was like, she's not here-and then put her in my bed. That, my dear friends was the biggest mistake of the night! Lemme take you back real quick about 2 years ago, I used to share a house. I had to leave my then employment as it was a temporary job, and the contract was up. This came about 3 months before I was due to go to Cuba...so after much discussion with my mum, it was decided that I'd move back home, until after my holiday, and I'd then move again. Cos I'd been out of the family home for so long, I lost all rights to my own room! Now 2 years later, I'm still at home, sharing a room, and sleeping on a single bed...

So my sister's now in my bed....and as I've mentioned it's a single bed. Now on the weekends, I don't mind her kipping in with me, but NOT when I've got work the next day!!!! This girl had her feet all up in my head, I was hanging off the bed at many points during the night....I barely slept! And then she had the CHEEK to wake up at 5.30 talking bout she wants tea. I just told her to go downstairs and ask her mum star! A wha yu tek dis ting fa? She's a joker-I swear down.....she's had a good sleep, and now wants me to interrupt my already broken sleep to go downstairs throughout the cold house (cos it's June, and no it's not meant to be summer cos this is England after all!) to make tea! Get outta here!! She promptly fell asleep after that, and didn't wake up until I did an hour and a half later...

Speaking of crusty weather, there's been FLOODING in parts of England. 4 people have DIED..I mean, what kinda crap is that? Technically it's summer, so there should be some sun...ha-fat chance! Rain, rain and more rain. Thankfully though, London isn't flooding, but fuck me if it isn't depressing as hell!! I've already decided that I wasn't made for England- I need to be in warmer climates-I'm just built like that, so I know I'm not retiring in the United of Kingdom.....!

Two of my girlies came back from holiday yesterday. They went to Malia, and from what I'm hearing it was nothing hype! Pure heads from around the way were there...fights everyday, and on the Monday one boy got glassed in the face, and another got stabbed...but the highlight of the holiday was chilling with Heartless Crew-they're a sound/crew....they were really big back in the day, but you don't really hear much of them these days, but they're sick nonetheless....old skool garage was the shit!!!!!

On other news- I broke it off with Mr Man. The post that I had a few days ago (Rambling, Ranting, Raving.)(dunno how to get it as a link) where I had all those questions & Black Southern Girl said maybe I should let it go....and since then I'd been thinking alot about the situation....and it was yesterday that I realised that I wasn't happy with the way things were. So I text him telling him that I wasn't happy, and that our situation wasn't working....Haven't heard back from him, but then there's that possibility that he didn't get it....and besides I guess breaking up over text is a punk ass thing to do right..? So I'm gonna call him tonight, and tell him, but be strong, cos it's hearing his voice that makes me forget I was mad & shit....I hate to do this, but to be honest I hate the feeling that my life is just dangling mid air-like I can't move forward cos everythings so unsure....I mean, how do you break up with someone???? I swear I chose the wrong time to quit!

I need a cigarette!! Just drank a cuppa tea (cos I'm a Brit of course), and usually following a cuppa, is a cigarette....but not today....cos I'm quitting.....*going to kick rocks* (Thanks C.I lol)

Hangover & Random Ish

I think I have a hangover!! My mum made Guiness Punch that was TOO good, and I only had 2 cups I swear...but I'm such a lightweight! I was dead to the world-didn't hear the alarm this morning, and was very nearly late for work! Woke up to a banging headache, and an ill feeling stomach, but it was worth it-that punch was too good!!

Can I just take this time to say I have blog friends! Ok, lemme rephrase, I have comments on MY blog! How great is that!! As you can tell, the smallest things make me happy lol!! It's interesting to know that someone has read what I've said & commented on it! I'm so happy! lol!! I know, I need to get out more! But hellooooo to everyone reading! Ok, I'm done now!

As I always seem to be when I blog, I'm at work, and yep-avoiding doing work. All now I don't know why I can't get paid to just do nothing! It's not like I love the job or anything! But yep, as I'm not getting paid to do nothing, I've actually gotta go do something-can't afford to be jobless....I'm tryna be outta my mum's house by August (erm....yea....not looking hopeful, but she don't know that), and I'm looking for flats & ting, but I'm not looking tooooo hard, cos I won't have any cash money till August, and if I find a flat that's gone by the time I ready to move in I'll be hella pissed! I've also gotta try and save some money to get onto this Music engineering course. I'm hoping to get into it by December, but to be honest I doubt it-so January is what I'm REALLY aiming for. Shoot, I need a 2nd job-fuck knows how I'mma do it all, but I'm thinking if I get the 2nd job just til January, and then everything'll be alright....that's the plan anyways.

So this is the 1st actual day of trying this non smoking thing. And of course, all I can think about and all I want is a bloody cigarette! Ain't that a bitch? As soon as I tell myself I'm gonna quit, all I wanna do is smoke! Fuck!!!! Now as I think more about this, I'm working myself into a mood-so I'mma stop now!! I'm gonna put a 'don't even ask how it's going' sticker on my wall chart, cos now I'm just mad!!!

Saw on GMTV this morning, that that Paris Hilton one is coming out of jail. Whooptee-fuckingdoo....I mean, who really cares about that chick? And haha-who actually thought she'd do her full jail sentence!!! Nope-me either!! She's not getting any more air time on this here blog, so that's the enda that!!

Well, I'm gonna do some work, and NOT think about smoking..........................................................................................................................................................see how easy it is! :( (NOT!!!)....I soon come back....