Sick And Tired

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm tired of battling withn myself everyday....for over analysing ever situation in my life. I'm so tired of having to dissect the people around me...people that I know are for real, but can't accept it....

I'm attempting to sleep...but I've got a lot on my mind. After a disagreement with Soldier, I'm here laying in my bed going over the words that have been said. I close my eyes, and I hope for a reason behind this constant battle I seem to be facing....I see my father's face....in my attempts of sleep, I envision me calling him up and arranging a meeting. At this meeting I tell him EXACTLY how he's made me the angry bitter person that I am. The one that's struggling to accept the love that's given to her by others....cos if my own father doesn't love me, then how can anyone else?! I tell him how I felt everytime he let me down. Everytime he told me he would come to see my new homes and didn't....how I felt when he told me that he doesn't think of me everyday....that it's a case of out of sight, out of mind....how everytime I feel like I'm dealing, I see him, my blood boils and I'm back to square one. How it feels to know that his congregation probably know nothing of his illegitimate child.....

I open my eyes, and there's tears...a lot of them. I think I need to have this meeting. I need to release this anger. I've tried writing him a letter...have done so twice in the past few months, and I feel better...like weight has been lifted, but something happens to trigger the crap again, and I'm back to square one.
I'm becoming a horrible person...a person so consumed with hate and hurt that I can't accept anything good around me. I feel like I don't deserve happiness, yet that's all I want. I'm tired of being this person....I think I need this meeting. But I don't know what I expect. I could tell him everything and nothing would change....how would I feel? What kinda relationship, if any do I want with him? Or do I just need him to know how he's ruined my life?

I'm sick and tired of being me, of battling everyday with the memories, the scars and the what if's, taking every word and action of another as a personal attack on me. I'm tired of pushing my loved ones away....I don't want to lose them...I'm sick and tired of being the female with 'Daddy Issues.'

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
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An Aunty Again....!!?!?!

I've just come off the phone with my sister...she has informed me that my brother's girlfriend is pregnant...AGAIN....with bambino number 2. To say I'm shocked is an understatement! I couldn't understand the words that were coming out of my sisters mouth! Like 'you what???'

I went to my Mum's today, and she said that my bro's chick was in hospital cos she was bleeding...not thinking I'm like 'why would you go hospital cos you're bleeding?? That time of the month innit?' My mum shrugs...and then it was forgotten.

My sister said that my Mum spoke to the GF, my brother came to her house and being the dyamn fool that he is, had no answers for my mum....so when she gets on the phone to the GF, she's like 'You gone back fi di dawta?' The GF's like 'huh?' My mum repeats it, the penny drops, she responds yeah....so my girl is pregnant again.....

Now I'm pleased for them, don't get me wrong, but it don't make sense...I mean, ask Tam...she'll tell ya...if a dick goes in, a baby could come out...so why did my brother tell my Mum that it wasn't meant to happen and she didn't take her pill?? Are you for real???? So it's HER fault then....right ok!!

It's the kids I feel for because:

• My brother has no J-O-B
• She has no permanent place of residence (she's current;ly in a mother-baby unit)
• Their relationbship is the pits (if I'm being honest)..from the outside looking in, it's destructive, and abusive
• She's 17 with NO form of qualifications
• My brother's a wasteman! Roaming the streets til all hours...
• Did I mention he has no job??
• My nephew is 6.5 months....so she'll be sooo run down tryna handle a kid just over one and a new born...BY HERSELF!

Like I told my sister....I wish them all the best...I'll help where I can...but damn.....*smh*....

Never Apologize....

I don't actually have much to post about today…so I'll share the contents of an email a friend sent to me recently:

 

21 things a sista should never apologize for:

 

Never apologize

 

1. For pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to quit your job, transfer schools, or move across country, always do what you really want.
2. For using proper English. Keeping it real doesn't mean you have to use Ebonics.
3. For giving your best in a relationship that just didn't work.
4. For crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself.
5. For being successful. Only haters want to keep you at their level.
6. For ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.
7. For wearing a weave or braids. You bought it so it's your.
8. For being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.
9. For treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.
10. For demanding respect. You are to always be treated as a Queen.
11. For leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.
12. For keeping the ring even if you didn't get married.
13. For setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves.
14. For dating outside of your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the colour line, doesn't mean you don't love your brothas.
15. To your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.
16. For ordering dessert or more than one dessert.
17. For being a single Mom. Babies are a blessing.
18. For saying 'No'.
19. For not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma, you know how to order a good take out!
20. For making more money than your man-you work hard and deserve to get paid.
21. For being YOU.

 

Keep your head up and keep moving forward. Always remember that God loves you and he ALWAYS has your back.

 

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Sent from Yahoo! Mail.
A Smarter Inbox.

Sunday....

Today is Mother's Day over here....so to all the Mothers: Happy Mothers Day!!!!

I purposely woke up early today...tidied my house and headed out to buy Mother's Day cards (yeah, I know I left it REEEALLLY late). I wanted to stop by the cemetry to put flowers on my LF's Mum's grave, but I didn't get to in the end...I'mma try get there one day this week! It's days like this that appreciate what you have....when you think of those that do not have....I'm sure my friend would give anything to have her Mum here now...I stopped at my Mum house-it was about 2pm....Mum was in bed...kipping....barely managed to grunt a hello...I left the card on the table...conversated with them kids, and then headed out to my Granny's. It's now after 7pm, and she hasn't called or text to say thanks for the card or nothing....*sigh* I dunno...! I'm trying to appreciate her...but she's seriously working my nerve!!

Chilling at my Granny's and my dad comes round (gggggrrrrrr!!!) I haven't seen or spoken to him since he left the A & E department of the hospital on New Years Eve. Everytime this man is in my vicinity, he manages to mess with my spirit....I always feel sooo angry. I try not to, but thus far, to no avail. He's here for about an hour....and only acknowledges me when I open the door, and when he's leaving. I'm upstairs in the spare room on my laptop, he comes in, puts his hand on my head, and asks about my laptop (that he helped pay for yet never seen...cos he's NEVER been to any of the places that I've lived at!)...then he's like, ok, see you later! Ok-whatever...I didn't even look at him.....but my blood is boiling. I'm SO mad that he has this effect on me. I'm meant to be seeing Soldier this evening...heaven help him! lol! I'm in a rotten mood now!

Looking back at the way things have been...and I've been a crap girlfriend...I almost...almost feel bad for Solider....ah..that feelings gone now! lol!!

I've got many issues....and I know it's affecting my daily life, my relationship everything...I'm just trying to deal with it all....

Ok, so this post as totally changed direction...it wasn't supposed to be all deep with emotion and crap....

Hope you're all having a good chilled out Sunday! I'm off for a nap...something about eating rice n peas, chicken, veg, roasted spuds with gravy that makes a sista TIRED!!

Randomlicious part 2

I had every intention of posting about how my manager's messing with my good spirit....tryna make me get ghetto up in the workplace....but Monie had a better idea!

Here are my 5 random pics from my crackberry....enjoy!
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Random Why's

Why.....

...Have I been eating like I've never eaten before? And of course it's nothing healthy...Chinese, KFC......Guess I can't fight it anymore-I need to start up at the gym!

...Did this boy at the chicken & chip shop (money's too tight for KFC right now!) make such a big deal about having burger sauce on his chips....only to return 2 minutes after he left the shop to ask for another bag, cos he didn't like the burger sauce?

...Did a 2007 Range Rover drive at 10mph ALLLLLLLLL the way down the road? The EMPTY road? Purposely driving in the centre so I couldn't overtake...and damn near stopping whenever a car came up in the other direction????????? Grrrr...I have NO patience for shit/slow drivers!! Get outta my way! I've got chicken to eat fool!!!!

...Is it that relationships are never plain sailing? I mean, why can't it just be the good conversations, the hugs, the kisses, the great sex ;-), the laughs, the fun interaction...? Why do we need to have the stupidty, the immaturity, the dumbness (yes, this is all him), the insecurities (I'll hold my hands up and say that's me), the arguing, the make up sex (which is also great...but WHY does it feel like there's ALWAYS making up to do...??) I don't need perfect, I just need damn near perfect dammit!!! Arrggggh! Why does he frustrate me SOOOOOOOOO much?!?!?

...Does Monie wanna know what I look like???

...Am I dreading Sunday? (It's Mother's day, which means MORE hype from said relative!)

...Am I sooooo in love with my Ipod Nano 3rd gen, and not remotely interested in the Ipod touch..(which is something, considering I'm a gadget freak!)

Speaking of ipods...Why am I still so mad that my Ipod mini no longer works? (Cos it's got PURE tunes on it!!)...And what does one do with her ipod shuffle? (You'd think I had money with all the pods I've got...but I'm broker than a mofo!)

...Is stress making me break out, making my face look like a grater?!?!?!?

...Do I feel like I've eaten an house...when I really haven't

...Am I feeling like upgrading to Internet Explorer 7 was the biggest mistake ever?!?!? It won't let me comment on sooo many blogs...telling me some crap about live feeds...BUT WON'T LET ME COMMENT!!! (please forgive me if you see me on your blog & I don't comment...IE7 won't let me!) :-(

...Has my place of employment prevented me from going onto Blogs? The site isn't blocked-oh no, they're testing my ass to see if I'm gonna defy the new employee handbook! I'm sooooooo annoyed!!!

...Did I take today off work, but feel like the day was wasted..considering I didn't get to do what I took the day off to do?

...Do I bother to take days off, when my manager makes me feel like I'm at work anyways? Talking about crap that can CLEARLY wait until I get back....TOMORROW!!

...Have I got nothing constructive to post about??? Ah well, I've been told to post even when there's nothing....so this here's my post!

Toodles!

The Continued Hype

Just when I thought my Mum couldn't be anymore petty and immature acting, she's proved me wrong!

I haven't seen or spoken to her since the other day. Yesterday, on my way to my Aunty's house, I saw my Mum on the road. I was driving my Granny's car, and as we stopped at a red light, I saw her stopped on the other side of the road. I beeped the horn at her. She looked over, I smiled,the light changed and I carried on driving. I wasn't sure if she'd seen me, cos I wasn't in my car, and her facial expression have me no indication. So I called the house today, and was having an over long conversation with my youngest sister. My response was mainly 'yeah' cos I didn't understand some of what she was saying. She said 'do you wanna talk to mum?' But I said yeah, before I realised what she said...by which point it was too late.

So my Mum comes on the phone, I didn't know what to say really, so I was like have I got any mail? She was like yeah 2 letters. She seemed ok, so I was like, did you see me yesterday? She's like 'yeah I saw you grinning your teeth at me. Why're you grinning for? To show me you were with your beloved Grandma?'.....so we're clearly still being dumb. I was just like Mum, I'll talk to you, cos you're on some hype ting!' and hung up.

So WHY are we still here? Simply cos my Mum likes to forget she's a grown ass woman, and instead prefers to act like she's in a damn playground. As far as I'm concerned what happened the other day is dead now....over with....hence why I spoke to her! To me life is too short to be fooling around with stupid disagreements, but clearly my Mum doesn't think so.

I spoke to my sister, and my Mum brought a dumb arguement to her earlier in the week as well. My mum told my sister that I didn't do anything for her, so she didn't care if me and her wasn't talking. So now I'm like you know what, fine. If you wanna prolong this totally unneccesary disagreement then fair enough. It's whatever then!

I'm expecting a package that's being delivered to her house one day this week, and I've gotta give her money, and collect money from my sister, so I'm gonna go down there on Friday, and if she's still showing me bad face, then I'm done trying with her. I've got my own stuff going on, and I can't be dealing with foolishness too!

Again, if i've missed something, someone please tell me.....cos I really can't make sense of this at all!
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