Weight

Hmmm...this evening I have quite alot on my brain....alot of thoughts swirling about, alot of feelings and emotions floating about inside.

Last night, I had a really vivid dream that my Grandad died. I know dreams usually do, but this dream felt so real. I can't remember how he died, but I remember me, my aunt & granny went to Jamaica, to St Elizabeth-where he's from, to tell his family that he had died....it was so wierd cos none of us were crying.....this morning I woke up, and my heart felt so heavy. I realised that it was a dream, but I was scared none the less.

I went to see my sister this evening, and she asked me a question about me and Soldier....She asked the question, and then made some comments...I didn't think much of it at the time, but when I left her house, I began questioning the question....trying to think of an answer to that question...and even now-some hours later, I still don't have a real answer. It's weighing heavy on my mind, I'm trying to let it out of my head, but it doesn't seem to want to shift.

Someone I care about has been hurt by someone, and I feel stupidly helpless cos I can't do anything. I'm mad thinking about the situation, mad that it's happened....I dunno....

There are other little things-small things that if I'm honest I can't really make sense of...but it's there-it's adding to the weight, the weight that's not shifting.

I tell ya, overly thinking is so not a good thing-in fact it's downright annoying-but how do you stop yourself from thinking? I swear I overly think in my sleep!

Just can't seem to stop the thoughts swirling around in my head, remove the weight...

Random

Happy Valentines day people! If like me, you'll be spending said day at home...jamming, doing nothing I'll be on MSN and Yahoo messenger this evening...please note that you Americano's are at least 5 hours behind moi....and I'm an early bird these days...so in actual fact-you may not catch me at all! Lol!

I've taken the day off today. Smartie's a tad ill. He's been dropped off at the 'doctors' who are going to mend him and make him 100% again! AND I walked for a whole hour-none stop from the car garage back to my house-trust, my legs were like JELLY after! So right now, I'm sitting here waiting for the mechanical heads to call me back so I can trudge the hour journey back to get my car.

My shower drain is blocked and the Estate Agents were arranging for 'someone' to come and unblock it....um...please tell me why I got a call at like 11 (this 'person' was meant to come at 12) from said Agency saying that the landlord wants to reschedule for TOMORROW at 6pm....hmm...funny how we go from 'someone' to the landlord-that muh-fucka is ALWAYS tryna get up in my house! He's such a cheap skate! Instead of trying to mess me about,how about you allow the estate agents to deal with it! But you know what, I'm not even tryna worry about it. I say, yes-that's fine, but MAKE SURE he comes at 6 cos I've got things I need to do, and I'm not gonna be sitting here waiting for him. It was my nephews 1st birthdy on Tuesday, and we were meant to go to Pizza Hut, but he was a lil ill, so it got postponed til Friday. So instead of chowing down some pizza tomorrow, I'll be sitting here whilst this dude unblocks my drain! He'd better not try and take long either-cos I already can't stand his stupid ass!!

So yeah, dispite the fact that me & Soldier are on pretty good terms (looong story) we won't be spending this evening together...He's working ALL day....I hate it when he does these shifts, but as he is a 'spare' he hasn't got much choice. He started this morn at like 7....finished at 10 this morning, had 3 hour break and then has gone back to work, where he'll remain until they tell him otherwise! So in his 3 hour break, he came to see me....and we had a good time **insert cheeky but very satisfied grin here**...and now he's gone back to work...

And I've just had a call from the mechanical heads...seems they need a part for my car that they won't get til tomorrow...so I can either go back for Smartie and bring him back another day or just leave him there...so I'm just gonna leave him and pick him up tomorrow...which makes tomorrow after work really tight.

Ah the joys! Hope you all have a wonderful day...whatever you do!

Hey

Today, I am in a MUCH better mood...the sun is shining, the birds are chirping..lol...ok, so yeah, much better mood.

Thank you for the virual hugs, well wishes and emails...I truly appreciate them! But I'm back on form today! And no-nobody got hurt!!

Yesterday went to my Mum's house, and then on to see my sister-my nephew turned 1 yesterday. It's crazy how that year whizzed by! I mean, this time last year I was living it up (SLEEPING) in Jamaica! Ahh, how time flies!! It was my grandad's birthday yesterday too...was meant to go round and see him, but the hours slipped away, and he's an early bird and would have been in bed by the time I go there...so I'll go round at the weekend methinks!

The day thus far is going pretty well...it's nearly hometime (well 3 hours left but still) I'm sitting here listening to some Mary J (who kept me SANE yesterday)...heading to my Aunty's today for dinner....cos we all know I don't ever cook at my house....and um....yeah..I believe that is all!

Hope you guys are having a good day!

**Seems Blogger is having a bad day-cos it won't let me seperate the paragraphs....**

Bad Mood

I'm in a real bad mood today....like royally PISSED the FUCK off!


I'm guessing the worse place for me to be is at work, having to deal with stupid ass people...but if I'm not here...then come payday, I'll be even MORE pissed when I see unnecessary deductions! Thankfully my manager isn't in my office today-I REALLY don't have the patience for her bullshit today....but as she's in a different office, it means I have MORE work to do today, which...you guessed it has PISSED ME OFF!!

OK-that's my rant over...I'm off to get a cuppa tea!

My bad-I didn't even say why I was mad....fuck it, I JUST AM!

A Random Ting

Ok, so I've managed to scar my ears after hearing my voice on Ms Diva's page...the phone voice is sooo gross...but tell me why I keep listening to it only to cringe each time? *shrugs* I dunno!

I've got my 3 year old sister for the weekend, cos my Mum's gone to Paris...and um...let's just say I'm bout ready for her to go back HOME! Love her to pieces, but I really don't have the patience for a 3 year old...not right now! We went out earlier today, and Soldier met us...she totally clammed up...said she didn't like him! lol! Got home...and she's become the devil! Yesterday she was sooo angelic. Kept herself occupied, etc...today, she's got me climbing the walls! I've been feeling a bit broody of late...but please believe that feeling is LONG GONE! Looking around my house...it's SUCH a tip...how do you keep a tidy house with a 3 year old running around? How is it done? It's staying just like that till she falls asleep!

Right now I have a banging headache...I've had it for about 3 days....it keeps shifting from a headache to a migraine....I suffer from migraines anyway, but since last year they've almost stopped...I used to get em every day for 2 years straight-had brain scans and all, but the doctors didn't know what was triggering them. Then one day they just stopped...and know the suckers are coming back-I'm not feeling it!

As I mentioned above, saw Soldier for a lil while. Haven't seen him since last Saturday cos he's been working lates....I've been missing him ALOT, but then being with him for 20 minutes today...he managed to get on my nerves! lol..he didn't do an ything really...it's just that I have NO patience today!

Don't you hate when you take your car to get washed-by hand....and when you go to inspect the work, it's like-why didn't I just do it myself? They did a good job-don't get me wrong, but I'm quite anal when it comes to the finished result...I had to call the dude over-twice to dry certain parts...and when I got home I still had to go over it, cos there was water marks....

ok...I need a nap-my head is BANGING!

*Ms Diva-see the title...just for you! :)

To Love & To Cherish?

The other day Ms Diva & Deep were talking about marriage…you know typically, a husband and wife support each other, etc etc (not gonna go into the ins and outs-you guys know)…and it’s with the knowledge of a how a marriage is about a partnership etc, that brings me to the ridiculous situation my uncle is in. Yes I’m on the outside looking in, but this mess they’re calling a marriage is ri-damn-diculous….

Yesterday, I’m at work and my aunty calls me. She tells me that L (who is my uncle’s step-daughter) called her (my aunty) asking for my Dad and my Granny’s number. Now let me give you a quick background ting on this chick. My uncle and his wife sent for this girl with her sister from Jamaica. I’d met her on a previous visit to Jamaica. However, from my 1st meeting here-I was about 10, I did not like her. Don’t know what it was but, like my Granny would say ‘me spirit never tek to her’. When she came over to England she tried to act like her shit didn’t stink and she was the Queen of friggin England…so as time went on me, as well as other members of my family took a disliking to her, because her actions attitude etc….she was just dumb! Like, when I started having to wear my glasses all the time, she reckoned ‘I thought I was nice cos I wore glasses’ D’uh stupid head! I can’t SEEEEEEEE without friggin glasses! Just stupid!

So anyways, it’s been many a year since any of us (bar my uncle his wife and kids etc) have seen her, so her phone call is a bit out of the blue. So after about 10 minutes after my Aunty received the phone call, she called my Dad. My Dad tells her that L told him that my uncle D was down at his yard, drinking himself silly, not washing, not going to work-all kinda ting! And when she went to take him to the doctors he ran out of the house, and was found hiding in his car blah blah. Acting like the concerned Step-Daughter.

I’m instructed to call my Granny, to let her know what was happening, and well, my Granny was less than impressed. She’s got enough on her plate of dealing with my Grandad-tryna get him well, this week alone she’s had to take him to the doctors twice, and is taking him for blood tests at the hospital today…it’s like she doesn’t have time for the extra stress. Besides this is not the first time my Uncle has gotten like this. If my memory serves me right I believe this the 3rd maybe 4th time, and each time, it’s a whole bag of madness involving his wife, and L.

So when I get home last night, my Aunty calls me. My Dad went down to see my Uncle to find out what’s going on. After much probing, my Uncle eventually tells my Dad that L and his wife had forged his signature on a loan of £25,000 secured onto the house, without him knowing, that they are not paying, and the bank (or whoever the loan was taken out with) are demanding money from him etc…which was the first him knowing of this loan. Now, this is not the 1st time this has happened either. About 2 or 3 years ago the wife and L did the same thing….. What gets me mad is that L went out of her way to be able to contact my Dad and Granny to sort out my uncle, when she knows damn well the reason why he’s doing this to himself….you know you just can’t believe someone can be SOO damn brazen?!

It’s been suggested many times before that my Uncle should sell the house, sort out what needs to and buy a smaller house etc…but my Uncle doesn’t seem to want to do this. His wife has been cheating on him for YEARS! Everyone and his dog knows it. When their youngest child (who is now 12) was born, there was much talk of him not actually being my uncles child (it’s evident now that he is), and she has openly said, they don’t sleep together in the same bed, or otherwise, she demeans him in front of ANYBODY, the woman has NO respect for him whatsoever, and she basically treats him like shit. Yet he stays, Yes, they’ve been together for YEARS….I’d say at least 25 years, but surely there comes a time when you realise that your relationship is doing nothing but destroying you!
My Dad has said that he will arrange counselling for my Uncle with his pastor, cos he’s clearly an alcoholic, doesn’t have a positive view of himself etc. As the head of that side of the family (my granddad has only 2 children by my Gran), though he’s the youngest (bar my grandad’s two) he’s usually called in to sort things out with my uncle. It’s just funny how he can rep for them and not for his first born…but hey-that’s neither here nor there.

As an outsider looking in, seeing the way my Uncle’s killing himself, over this chick that doesn’t even care, to me it just seems the best thing to do is to be apart-they are technically anyway-just living in the same yard! My Granny’s told him, when he kills himself, all his wife is gonna do is move her ‘man’ in….who will fill his spot! Long for dat! Fix up and look sharp man! He needs to do what’s best for him and his children, and to me drinking yourself to death, or possibly losing that big ole house and leave you ALL homeless, is not the way!

I dunno, am I wrong in thinking this? What say you?

Just For Shits & Giggles

My friend sent this to me via email the other day....and it got me thinking....how well does my blog fam know me...??? I know you can only know so much...blah blah, but just for shits and giggles....have a pop at this:

1. Take a stab at my middle name?
2. Color of my eyes?
3. Do I have any siblings-if so, how many?
4. What's one of my favorite things to do?
5. What's my favourite type of music?
6. Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules?
7. Any special talents
8. What attracted me to my significant other?
9. Describe me in 3 words...
10. If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is one thing that I would bring?

This should be fun....